my-overdue-journal

[my-overdue-journal]

31/12/22

Do everything right everyday for everyone and there is no appreciation out of the ordinary except a few times.

Mess up one thing once in a while and suddenly you're a criminal in everyone's eyes, doing away with everything that you got right all the other times.

Such is life. No one acknowledges let alone appreciate except Allah.. it is only Allah we live and die for and only Allah knows our struggles, failures and victories.

[my-overdue-journal]

04/09/2021

I hate the idea of going to sleep alone. I have been married for over two months but I still hold my blanket to sleep. I can't go on like this, I need physical presence, touch, feel, warmth. I need her to be with me in order to be mentally and emotionally at ease. I hate this distance and I can't bear it anymore.

Ya Allah please remove this distance right away through any means, Allahumma Ameen.

[my-overdue-journal]

03/09/2021

I am surrounded by people yet all alone. I.. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought marriage was going to help with the feeling of lonliness but I feel so lonely in this moment. I don't know what to do and it is so damn frustrating. I hate myself and I hate the circumstances I am in right now. I just want mental and emotional peace FGS! After all these years of selflessness and sacrifice, I thought I had earned the right to deserve mental and emotional peace.. I want peace.

[my-overdue-journal]

26/07/2021

I too struggle with thoughts/worries/issues that I alone know. Things that keep me up at night. The same things that led me down towards depression to the point that I lost my will to live. But I kept going for the sake of those around me, those who care and those who I'm responsible for. I kept going then and I keep pushing myself now no matter how heavy my heart gets from the pain of carrying these thoughts alone.

I am by myself in this world and I have no one except Allah because even those who I truly trust and share my worries with, struggle to understand what I go through on a daily basis. It's not their fault, just like a person with vision can't understand the pain of a blind person, a person who does not have what I have can't understand what I go through because they haven't experienced it, they only know about it and knowing something and going through something are two total different things.

Point is, we all may be going through stuff that we may or may not share with others. What's important is to keep on going and not give up. It's true that some days are really bad but there are good days as well. We need to keep going for those good days that we spend with the people who matter.

[my-overdue-journal]

I need time in the bedroom, alone, with my wife and without any interruptions.

[my-overdue-journal]

18/07/2021

I have been married 15 days now but I have barely had any time with my wife. In midst the weddings and families and traveling, I didn't get the time I needed/wanted with my wife. I waited so long for something halal and now I'm finally married but I'm still deprived of one the most basic aspect of marriage due to time limitation, family, responsibilities and circumstances. It is frustrating and I am upset. No one understands the true essence of marriage. Everyone is busy using my marriage as an excuse to socialize but no one bothers understanding that two newly married people need all the time together that they can get instead everyone keeps interrupting even during what little time is available. It's been over two weeks since I have been asking for biryani from my wife but everyday something comes up or something happens.

I despise all these events and socializing now more than ever. All this stole what little time I had to spend with my wife. I hate it all. I want to be away from everyone from a month or until I feel like myself again and until I am well acquainted with my wife.

[my-overdue-journal]

18/07/2021

I had convinced myself that once I get married I will be able to feel understood and will understand myself better. But it's nothing like what I imagined. Maybe it is my own expectations that failed me or maybe it is just me who is beyond understanding.

In my moments of feeling worthless, replaceable and expendable; I end up pushing those away who try to help me, hurting them. I just can't accept help. It feels like I don't deserve help because whatever whoever I am is not acceptable.

I don't know how to navigate through all this, I am out of ideas because I genuinely thought that once I get married I will be able to open up to my wife and become better in terms of emotions and mental health.

[my-overdue-journal]

10 Year Plan (2022 - 2032)

1. Save up and work on your "project" in order to do as much as you can before children reach teenage.

2. Retire from the army in 2032 and use the end of service towards finishing commercial license along with additional savings, asap.

3. Make sure the real estate investment (and any other business) would suffice the family needs even if you don't hold a job for upto 5 years.

4. Find contacts within Pakistan's domestic airlines to be able to get into an airline at entry level after Frozen ATPL and only fly domestically so you can live the dream, earn and also be home at the end of the day.

5. Use the airline job as bread and butter to spare all business income for further development of the project for nationwide campaigns and awareness.

[my-overdue-journal]

01/03/2021

New job and marriage soon In Sha Allah has definitely been a positive milestone after a long duration of trials. Life is still filled with trials but that's just life, it's not going to be bed of roses, ever.

I'm drawn towards the wife, it's difficult to be patient now but gotta wait for the nikkah because the bitterness of patience now will be worth it for the years to come after nikkah. I can see myself speaking to her for hours at a time in order to learn everything about her to love her better. Love will take time but I believe its going to be magical and the thought of that makes my heart flutter.

[my-overdue-journal]

01/08/2020

It's 2nd day of Eid, this Eid too I don't feel any form of joy or happiness it's just another day to me. I'm not sad or depressed or anything, but I am not happy either. I guess I am numb since I haven't been feeling emotions except anxiety. I do not seek companions either whether in terms of marriage or friendship nor do I wish to be around people, for the time being at least. I do not wish to do anything but also do not want to be idle. I'm conflicted but it doesn't phase me, I am okay with not doing anything about the chaos around and within. I can download a game on my laptop or phone and play or I can watch a movie or show but nothing, honestly nothing excites me. Idk how to explain myself, it's strange. I don't want to eat either, If I get hungry I eat what I can get the fastest, I do not "desire" any specific food. It's like what I said in the previous entry, even food is no longer a thing I love. In this moment, I can sit and stare at a wall for hours and then just sleep but not doing anything with my time makes me anxious but in order to overcome the impulse to not do anything, I need to gather motivation to do something.

What does one do when nothing excites or intrigues anymore?

[my-overdue-journal]

14/07/2020

I'm not sure how far I will fall this time and I don't know if I will be able to recover.. I have been giving into evil for so long that now I can't help justify it to myself and even others. I have become what I hated and frowned up and looked down upon. Perhaps this is a lesson that I am not better than anyone else, perhaps it is a lesson that I am only human and that without Allah's will and guidance, I too am doomed. I hope this is only temporary in order for me to be humbled and return to my senses.. though I don't "feel" anything anymore. The spark is gone.. I am dead on the inside and nothing makes me happy. I am trying to find happiness in things, people and distractions but it is an illusion and all it is doing is push me farther down under water. I miss Allah.. or do I? I don't even know anymore. I don't know what to do because I am terrified of a bad end and a bad life. I really don't want to succumb to the evil within me and die in that state because I wouldn't be able to face Allah or people who I encouraged for good and against bad. Everyone has such cliche methods of reminding or encouraging a way back to higher Imaan but none of them seem to work.

At this point, even marriage is no longer a desire. I have lost myself. What little desire I have left is food but I'm sure that is next to be burnt out. I have nothing left within.

I don't know what to do with my life in terms of deen, family and work anymore. It's exhausting and I am burned out. I just want to sleep indefinitely and hope that I wake up in a good state but it is wishful thinking for actions need to reflect my desire. However I was never one to be able to bring myself to work for what I really want (long term), I always sought a shortcuts or the least amount of effort I could input with maximum output.

I don't know how to fix myself and it's shattering me even more to know that I may never be able to piece myself back together.

Allahul Musta'an.

[my-overdue-journal]

30/01/2020

I realized that my desire for marriage was and is due to a reason unlike any other person's reason, it is a strange and vulnerable reason. All my life I have tried to be self sufficient, I have tried to never burden people with anything to do with me, I never wanted anyone to look after me or care for me in anyway because it felt like I was burdening and bothering them but they can't or won't say it and are doing whatever they do because they have to and not because they want to. Subconsciously I hoped that when or if I get married, my wife would care for and look after me by default and she'd be willing to do it cause if she didn't she wouldn't agree to marry, knowing that she would be willing would allow me to not feel the way I did all my life when people around me tried to look after me. I guess this desire to get married grew more and more as time went on because life got tougher and tougher and I just couldn't carry all of me and my burdens alone anymore, it became too much. It slowed me down so much in terms of dunya and deen such that everyday became a raging battlen to survive and get to the next day and this made having hope very difficult because who would look forward to a day filled with unforeseen struggle, trials and stress almost every hour of the day. Trying to hold on and not give up and accept defeat took everything and it is still taking everything. Marriage seems like an aid at this point, nothing more, an aid that would carry some of all that I carry or at least help me carry it in a better and more efficient way because I can't run my life as it is all by myself, there is just so much going on and I don't have the brain power or energy to juggle it all at once. When I get tired and decide to take a break for a day or few days, it back fires so bad, especially from above the heavens.. it's like after doing all that I have done and been doing and will be doing, taking a break is forbidden.. I get that taking a break from deen is not an option but I don't intend to do that, when I take a break I just.. want to be lazy and not do anything that takes effort.. during the break I just want to sit down in an unhealthy position and do something mindless or sleep but I hate sleeping because it feels like wasting free time that I could have used for something better.. I don't know.. I just want to find a balance in all this and although I am not actively trying (I admit), I do have hope I am gonna get this sorted out but this reason is not good enough for Allah is it.. for the longest time it has seemed like alongside the blessings and favors here and there, I have endured a ton of anger and punishment aswell from Allah and that scares me but it also makes me want to complain as to why.. I mean I know that it is terrible to fall into any sin since I have some knowledge but I haven't had the luxury of studying or practicing deen as I used to in the longest time.. and until I get married I don't think I can abandon the little stupid time killing hobbies that I have picked up because I need the distraction to keep myself from falling into major sins or from falling out of deen all together.. once I am married I can skip on my own dunya related hobbies to focus on deen more because at the end of day I would finally have a connection or rather relation with someone meant to find me again in the hereafter, a relation with trust and communication as the foundation which would allow me to remove the need for distracting myself from all that goes on in my life in and around my head.

I didn't think I'd write all this as one but somehow it all added up and makes sense.

Continuation:

I never complained and I get that everyone has their own life and circumstances to lead but I don't understand why I was loaded with such responsibility before I even had a chance at stability. There are people my age and much older than me who don't have a care in the world who spend what they earn on their own for themselves and sharing some with the people related to them, I on the other hand have been working for the past two years and I couldn't even buy my own car because my income was facilitating the needs of the family. I have selflessly given my family, friends and especially strangers my all whenever I could and even when I couldn't but it feels so wrong when I decide to treat myself to something unnecessary and not so pricey, even if I go ahead and do it I have to tell myself I won't do it again or won't do it next month or have to come up with an excuse to avoid feeling the guilt.. I mean we are told to enjoy the blessings we have been given and I know I have to be tough on my wants but I just can't ignore myself completely in all areas, there is a little selfishness in me which prevents me from doing that and it feels horrible because I wish I could function without sleep and food and all the things that I need and especially want so that I could achieve more each day and meet everyone's expectations simultaneously. I don't think I ever said no to my family for anything they asked of me or to my friends or strangers even.. I wonder.. if all this would be sufficient at the end of the day on the day of judgement or if my inability to be a good Muslim as I used to be would render be unfit for heaven.

I don't understand life or the afterlife anymore because I don't know where to draw the line and if I draw the line does that make me bad, does it revoke my eligibility to be considered for heaven? And If I don't draw the line and I keep going but fail every so often, what does that mean? Would that accumulate and inevitably do the same and render me unfit for heaven? It's a funny but a deeply sad dilemma.

Worst of all in the current time frame is the fact that when I mess up for whatever reason.. the recoil is so bad and it's always as if the entire world stood up against me pointing finger simultaneously at how horrible I am to have failed or for having made a mistake. Maybe people are like that in general but I haven't seen many who do as much as I do or try to do while trying to balance deen and dunya, people so easily give up prayer but I am holding on as best as I can because I have to but all of that.. all of that struggle is not getting me anywhere.. I am loosing my Imaan everyday and dunya as well.. all these consequences can simply be avoided if Allah helped me achieve as much as I try to achieve without delivering such challenging trials and hardships that greatly burden me.. it's not making me any better of a Muslim than I already am instead it is risking me giving up all together.. because HE (Allah) is the only being in existence Who knows me better than myself and yet.. in all honesty that makes me feel abandoned and maybe that is why I have been having such a hard time holding onto deen. I just don't feel the effect of it all because perhaps subconsciously I have been so scarred by the trials and hardships that were and are meant to strengthen me, it just doesn't add up. What am I supposed to do if even the One and Only has such high expectations from me and punishes me for messing up which in turn affects the dunya which brings more punishment/backlash from people in this life. It is an endless loop without an end it seems.

[my-overdue-journal]

17/12/2019

My constant mistake throughout the past 3 years was to put my trust in people instead of Allah, to rely on them thinking they'd be of help and while I did not put them above Allah, I consequently put my faith in them instead of Allah through my actions and as a result I had to suffer the way I have so far.. I had to suffer to learn that people will only let me down and humiliate me and that only Allah will uplift me so I have to try and find my way back to HIM because He is my salvation and only HE can save me and bring me out of all this chaos I am in right now. The Lord that split the sea and cooled the fire down is the Lord I believe in so nothing is impossible as long as I put my reliance and faith in HIM alone.

[my-overdue-journal]

24/10/2019

This October unlike the previous two has been one of growth and development Alhamdulillah. I have come a long way, mentally and emotionally and now I need to focus on my health and physical well being In Sha Allah. I have begun to free myself from the shackles of the hoax that is the modern day definition of love and I am trying to opt out of the constant need for a companion who will be an emotional genius and magically understand all of me without flaw. I have embarked on the journey to find a decent lady with a simple outlook on life and a deep connection with deen and I might already be in luck and meet such a lady in the upcoming month In Sha Allah. The only hope and dua is that Allah moves her heart if she is good for me and moves my heart if I am good for her and enables me to convince everyone for an immediate nikkah without delay bithnillah. That would be.. something!

I am just happy and glad that life is starting to make sense and even though it is filled with trials, I am trying to get ahead of them.. slowly.

[my-overdue-journal]

08/9/2019

I truly really just wanna learn deen and serve mankind for Your sake Ya Rabb. I want to memorize Your speech that you bestowed upon us as mercy in the form of Quran and I want to understand this deen to get closer to You and to worship You better. I always wanted some self sufficient source of income which would rid me of the worry of looking to make money for myself or my family and so I always wanted to use my spare time in Your path. Not being able to reach this.. well intended goal is quite saddening.. I do not mind working and working hard but I just want to have a few years to understand and learn the deen better. I want to do so much in life but these petty wordly matters have me occupied about alllll the wrong and unnecessary things.. my true purpose lies elsewhere. I always either wanted to learn the deen and serve the Ummah and humanity at large or I wanted to fight for Your sake and help the oppressed from within and outside the Ummah. I know I may not deserve it or I may not be ready for it but I really want to be raised with a good heavy record that was compiled for Your sake alone and for that I need to do better and be better.

I plead to You ya Rabb to have mercy and grant me this request. Make me self sufficient so that I may work towards achieving all this.

[my-overdue-journal]

14/08/2019

Today wasn't the best day. I overslept due to the fatigue from yesterday. I forgot to set an alarm and missed a lot. I didn't do my prayers and adhkar properly. It was pretty low. Work was a bit off as well, and I had to confront two people whose payments are pending and it was added stress. To add to that the real estate company that owns the property where the business runs requested their payment by noon tomorrow. Things are tough this month and I am just so stressed and confused. I don't know what to do. I do not lack faith in Allah but I am just worried as to what my role is. What must I do in order to be deserving of Allah's help and mercy? I do not know. Instead of going down the debt only adds up and I just don't know how I am going to handle it all. I wish life had a reset switch or a backspace button where I could erase some bad choices. I alone could have managed things but I have got a family and I don't know how I will take care of them while fighting all these financial battles. My only hope is in Allah but.. it just feels like that I have angered Him a lot due to my slacking. There is so much I do not do anymore and so much that I do now which I didn't do before.

I was regular at the masjed, now I am not. I wad regular at fasting, now I am not. My trousers were always above my ankles, now they're not. I was strict against speaking to non mahrams, now I am not. I was against bad company, now I am not. I was against movies and shows but a part of me is making an exception for them now. There were so many Sunnahs I was keen on but not anymore. I was regular with Quran and especially Surah Mulk but now I am not. It is a complete disaster and Idk what to do. The work and family chores stress me out and drain me which brings the need to do something mindless like watch B99 because it is THAT ridiculous. All I want.. is to be an above average Muslim who puts Allah and deen before anything else and just want enough to get by in the dunya. But Idk how I am going to do that with 7 lives directly connected to me by blood and this number will only increase as time goes forth. I just don't know how I will do anything because my head is about to explode from the thought of no longer being able to answer all the questions from people especially people who want their money. It makes me so tired, I have no energy left at the end of the day due to these thoughts.

La hawla wala quwwata illa billah :'/

[my-overdue-journal]

13/08/2019

Today just started. I am awake early and currently wondering if I should get out of bed and go sort out some pending paper work and other tasks but worried that I will be too tired by the time I have to go to work. I also have to get an oil change for my car but I am basically broke so I need to figure that out too. I checked tumblr habitually but something was different this morning. I had received an anon that seems very familiar and I am somewhat certain I know who sent it but I do not want to dwell in it because I am tired of allowing myself to be put in hurtful situations. I have enough on my plate right now and I just need to figure things out slowly one day at a time. I just have to start somewhere because if I don't even start then nothing will happen, nothing will change, I will only make myself more miserable.

It is 11:39 AM and just as I started writing this the Dhuhr adhaan started and I intend to go pray in the masjed In Sha Allah. It has been a productive morning, I am digitalizing the business paperwork and it seems that it will be quite convenient once I have it all sorted and once I strictly follow the procedures I am currently setting up. I just hope and pray that Allah puts barakah in this business so that I do not have to work like a slave for years on end and waste away my life. I really do not want to live like this, I want to give my existence meaning by doing something extra ordinary for mankind, even if it means living in war torn or conflict or natural disaster ridden areas to help and look after the victims. Also I am thinking that if I get one more anon from the same person (the one on my mind), I will confront them and ask what is actually up because this is not normal. If they do it again I will, hopefully, confront and get to the truth and settle things once and for all In Sha Allah.

I finished all the files and prayed Dhuhr in the masjed. I also spontaneously cleaned my room partially and now I am headed to the business to just check up on some things and gather all previous paper work to start working on it and slowly completing the files a little bit every day. The best thing about today has been that I am not tired despite all this. This is a good practice that I wanna make regular i.e waking up early and sleeping only 4-6 hours in total. I wanna get used to this routine by the time I start university In Sha Allah.