myeyes-myblog

[myeyes-myblog]

My Latest Obsession

My latest obsession, we will call him Leo. Leo is a unhoused individual with no job and a warrant out for his arrest. I have fallen head over heels for this man, knowing it's a recipe for disaster. He said he would turn himself in Sunday at 9am. I saw him Friday for his birthday. I bought him a comic book titled Come And Find Me, and matching tokens. I have had a crush on this man for years, but only recently got the nerve to express to him my desire. It's the way he looks at me that I'm a slave to. His honey brown eyes glisten in the sunlight and I have no choice but to swoon and obey his every whim. I'm helpless, Dear Ones. My head tells me to let him get his shit together first, but my heart is telling me to build with him, help him along the way. I have every intention of following my heart, it hasn't led me wrong thus far. Much to the dismay of all my friends who know about Leo, they would prefer I sit and wait with my head. I won't listen to such nonsense. My heart has always guided me, I won't betray it now.

[myeyes-myblog]

Diagnosing As Bipolar

The news is daunting and depressing, I never wanted to be bipolar, but my therapist is considering the possibility I might present with said condition. I'm starting the process of accepting and embracing the diagnosis, but right now I'm in the denial stages. I swear I'm not bipolar, I just suffer from ADHD, depression, and anxiety. However, she argued that those could possibly be just the symptoms I present with, not the underlying root cause. The root cause could be bipolar. I hated her for saying such a dirty thing. I stopped myself and asked "Why is it okay to have all the other issues but not this one?" I couldn't answer, truthfully. Perhaps I have grown used to the other ones but not bipolar, not just yet.

[myeyes-myblog]

Calling to the Void: An Introduction

A little about me, this anonymous person sitting behind a screen, letting go of her deepest thoughts and goings on. I will go by Danielle. I am a mother of 2 beautiful children, a divorcee', a spiritual but not religious person. I practice witchcraft and polyamory. As I write this, I don't have many, if any, followers, and that is okay with me. I do not write this for other people, I write this for myself. However, if anything I write bears fruit in your heart as you read this, I consider it an honor that you can relate. I call to the void and bear my soul in the silence. No one here knows my face, no one knows my name. I am but a humble stranger who is nothing but ordinary in the grand scheme of things. A woman who is just trying to get by one day at a time through the seat of her pants. I welcome all who follow this roller coaster of chaos and embrace those who see themselves in these entries.

Welcome Dear Ones, you can call me Dani.

[myeyes-myblog]

Entry 5:

I had given up there for a while. I had shut everyone out and left myself to my own devices. I felt like a shell of my former self. I couldn't work a full shift at work, the place I actually really love to be. I felt helpless.

I decided some retail therapy might do me some good one day, so I set my heart and stars to a witch shop to get a reading. She told me that I needed to stop masking and just be myself, that I needed to pick up writing again (this is the 3rd time I've been told I needed to write my thoughts down by someone in my life), and to take things one day at a time. Vague right? The question was how do I fix my mental health. While the reading was accurate, it was not telling me anything I didn't already know. So, I suppose it was more validating what I had believed I needed to do to start with.

The moment after I had left the store to find something to eat around the town, my physiatrist calls. She tells me that my appointment was going to have to be moved from the next day, to in an hour at the earliest. I called back in an hour and let everything out. If there's one person you need to be painfully honest to, Dear Ones, it's your physiatrist. I let the flood gates open and she immediately comes up with a plan, something the tarot reader also told me that I needed.

It's been 2 days and I feel insanely better. It feels as if everything fell into place after my shopping day. Now, you might be wondering why didn't I just consult my own cards, and that is because I knew I was too lost to even begin to try to understand my own practices. I was too close to the flames to see the fire, much less see the danger I was in. I had foresaken my own self because my mental health was in too much ruin.

2 days later and I worked a full shift, finally. I happily worked and conversed with the clients around me. I found joy in my work and coworkers again. A part of me hopes this is the new chapter of my life, however, I can't help but wonder if this refreshing feeling is fleeting as quickly as time is.

[myeyes-myblog]

Notes from Therapy:

One tab at a time, Beloved. The world will not end if you spend 5 mintues of your time focusing on one tab.

We have internal and external reasonings, make sure you're in a happy medium. Don't do one thing just for external reasons, do it for internal reasons, too.

It is your right to stop and say "This is not mine to carry, so I'm going to let it go." And let it go.

Take inventory each morning, what is your personal battery power at? Is it at 100%? 70%? 20%? Take inventory and decide what you need each day with that information.

Your mania episodes can mask as ADHD hyperfixations

Be mindful every opportunity you can be, check in with yourself and remember to take some deep breaths, it will really change your mindset. Take a few seconds to speak a mantra or affirmation.

Take accountablilty and remember to regulate yourself, as well as tag in a teammate to be there for you and help you manage yourself. Mangers need assistants, too.

[myeyes-myblog]

Dreams to Nightmares

Let me start this entry saying that I do have multiple personalities inside my head. They have their own opinions, voices, and desires. Sometimes, they don't align with mine, so comprises are made. We will call the Protection personality, Haley. We will call the inner child part Sally.

Haley likes to meddle and do what I have asked her not to. She disrespects my relationships at every turn. Why? Because she doesn't want that relationship, she wants another relationship that could potentially harm us. She does not care about our well-being, but more of herself in that regard.

Sally, poor innocent Sally only goes along with what Haley and I have going on, Sally doesn't voice her opinions much, thanks to trauma. As long as she has a coloring book and her sippy cup of strawberry milk, she's a happy child.

Haley and I have been at odds for quite a while, I don't like the fact she has forgotten her purpose. She doesn't like the fact I am in a healthy relationship. She tries to self-sabotage every opportunity she can get. Why? Because she's scared of being safe, she doesn't trust it or us. I keep telling her that the shoe isn't going to drop, yet she still braces as if it is. I don't know how to help her see that.

I can't keep her in check anymore....

[myeyes-myblog]

Entry 4:

Every time I break a piece of me off and divide myself into smaller pieces, I find myself sitting on a hard floor. Today, I sit on the floor of my ex-husbands bedroom and discuss custody agreements at great length, assuring equity and agreement to each section. Until he hits me with a bomb.

The bomb is deafening as his potential news knocks the wind out of me. He is moving the children an hour away, possibly. He claims he'd rather not, but if it is the only place in budget for him to move, then he will have to.

I want to scream and cry, beg for my children not to be moved so far away from me. However, I just start rocking back and forth in silence. We can make this work, we can meet in the middle of the distance to exchange possession of the children, this will be okay. I have to remember that. I have to assure myself that he would never keep my children from me, as I wouldn't dare keep them from him.

I have made peace with our divorce, yet I still grieve. This is actually happening. The divorce will be filed tomorrow. I don't know how to navigate these emotions or these thoughts of mine. I am still grasping at the air, hopeful that I will feel something solid in my hand, I do not.

[myeyes-myblog]

Visited by a Ghost:

Last night, I had a dream about someone I hadn't dreamed of in many years. The dream was the same as it usually is when it involves this person, we will call him Shane. Shane and I have quite the history together. We are forever tied to each other in some small way. Shane and I haven't spoken in a long time, around the time my divorce became official.

Before that, Shane and I were romantically connected before the wedding bells rang, and the sound of baby's crying filled my life's soundtrack. I had entwined my soul with his an entire lifetime ago, and yet, I still feel that bond. I must be crazy. I have loved Shane since I met him and still do, even from a great distance.

Seeing him now, there is a stranger in his body. He is not the Shane I devoted myself to. He is bitter, he is angry, and he is hurt. What was once love, sensitivity, and kindness now looms a darkness. Yet in my dream, he was there. He was smiling, and things seemed like they hadn't changed between us. He was sincere, loving, and a true gentleman.

I'd give anything to see the Shane I once knew again, to feel his love kindle the warmth in my heart. Gods, I miss him.

[myeyes-myblog]

Entry 3:

I hate sitting in silence. Perhaps that is my ADHD brain of not enjoying the stillness of something, but in the silence, I hear everything. I hear the air flowing around the room, the hum of the electricity coursing through the veins of the house, the ice melting in my glass. Although I hear every little sound, nothing is as loud as the emptiness of my thoughts.

My mind, that is usually racing with the silliest and most random things, grows quiet. It is an uneasy feeling for me to be still. It is not peaceful like it is supposed to be for everyone else. It makes me want to shuffle my feet on the floor immediately or cough.

Perhaps a busy life is what I have been accustomed to since birth. I grew up constantly going somewhere or being at some place. There was always someone to go see, some place to visit, or conduct business with. I very seldom had the opportunity to sit and rest. Now that I am older and in charge of myself, I don't know how to be still.

[myeyes-myblog]

Canceling my Treatment:

Dr. Chase and I saw each other one day last week. We chatted after the appointment, and he said something that left me feeling naked. "You're so powerful. I can feel your power just by standing in your presence, but you have no idea just how powerful you really are." I felt utterly exposed, so exposed that I ran. I said goodbye and that I would see him at my next appointment.

I canceled 2 days before that appointment. I blamed it on the seasonal illness that has been spreading. I haven't talked to Dr. Chase since. He has reached out multiple times, and I just left the messages on unread. What am I supposed to say to any of that? I know he commended me on being honest when I told him we were opposites, but how honest is too honest here?

There also seems to be a pattern here. I see him, I get scared and run for a few days, and then I schedule another appointment out of the blue. Lather, rinse, repeat. I can't help it, truly. I don't know what to say or do when I am around him. I feel exposed, and there isn't a shred of my armor around to help shield me.

[myeyes-myblog]

Entry #2:

I feel out of control. I feel like I'm sitting on a roller-coaster that I can't get off of. I'm up and down, I'm suddenly going in circles, I'm making the most dumbest decisions and hurting people in the process. I wish I knew how to stop....

[myeyes-myblog]

The Doctor:

About a month ago, I had all the pain I could stand and went to a doctor, we will call him Dr. Chase. Dr. Chase is quite unorthodox, to put it kindly. I walked into the office and had my first appointment with him.

Immediately, I felt something was awkward and off about him, yet that same feeling also intrigued me. I felt as though he saw right through my walls as he stared at me. He knew things about me that I did not tell him about, as if he sensed them.

As we were the only people in the office, I tried to keep my distance and remain alert. I knew where the exits were had things went wrong. I felt no danger, but I knew I wasn't completely safe yet. We get through with the appointment, and he gives me a high-five. I leave after scheduling another appointment with him, knowing I was going to cancel as soon as I got home.

I left a voicemail on his office phone telling him about the cancelation, I waited until I knew it was the end of the business day and the office was closed. A few hours later, I get a message from his personal phone. He offered to apologize if he had offended me, and also let me know that he didn't care if I could pay him or not. He wanted to see me to take care of my pain.

I took a few moments to debate if I should even acknowledge this inappropriate form of communication. I decided to be completely honest and tell him how completely opposite we are and that if he was fine with a client who challenges his beliefs, then I would happily return. The part I left out was the feeling of something pulling me towards him, as if there was some divine intervention at work.

That night, I dreamt about him inappropriately, and I kept dreaming about him in that manner for days after. 6, I had 6 dreams about him inappropriately until I saw him again. I asked him during our next appointment if he believed that dreams have meaning. He nodded and explained his feelings towards dreams and symbols. I kept my mouth shut and didn't explain why I was asking.

The next appointment, I told him about a traumatic experience I had at work a few days prior. He gave me words of comfort, and after the visit, he gave me a side hug. I knew what he was doing, yet I dismissed that fact. I simply didn't care because the pulling emotion kept getting stronger.

I found myself sitting in the lobby of our next appointment, and I remember this peaceful feeling washing over me as I waited. I felt relaxed instead of guarded like the last few times. I felt myself drawn to the office itself and the peacefulness it provided me because he designed it that way.

I've been at war with myself lately. I feel the need to go back into the office and just sit without an appointment. I yearn for that peaceful feeling again. The soothing, soft music that echos and the safe haven the walls excrete... or is he the one that excretes it? I know nothing is appropriate here, and I have been told by multiple people to set up some boundaries... but I fear it is too late for that. I am in too deep already.

Gods help me.

[myeyes-myblog]

Brain Dump:

My therapist suggested that I should write down my thoughts before bed so that I might quit having nightmares about them. It will also help me practice to compartmentalize what thoughts come with me to work, my sleep state, and my relaxed state. It challenges me to be mindful of my thoughts and not let them run carelessly.

However, my mind is constantly running on thoughts in 4 second intervals, constantly moving on to the next thought as if it were about to lose it. So, in order to not follow the trail down Worry Lane, as it were, I think I will just bullet point the main things and set them aside until I am awake to worry about them again.

[myeyes-myblog]

Entry #1:

A person in my life suggested I needed to write again, without knowing I even wrote to begin with. A lifetime ago, I wrote every day, I wrote my thoughts, emotions, poetry, my struggles, and my victories. I wrote it all. I stopped writing somewhere along the way. I lost myself in this huge dumpster fire of a world.

I have returned for total anonymity. I have returned and carved out a space where no one knows my name or my face. Here is where I will be free. Here is where I can only hope to find myself again.

-End.