mylifediaryposts

[mylifediaryposts]

Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

2018 is in full swing and after it seems like everyone I know had a shitty 2017, its time to make this happen! 

I’ve hit this weird time in my life where all of a sudden I feel really old, I don’t know if i’m in the right job, doing the right thing. Am I where I should be at this age. Am I spending my time doing the right thing. Am I the best version of myself that I can be. 

I am sure soo many of you reading this are feeling the exact same way. This is because we are never taught how to deal with actual real life! School was spent learning about offshore drift and pythagorean theorem. There were no lessons on how to pay your rent and still eat. Or how to deal with the thought of now being a guy who goes to weddings! I think we were all taught from a young age that you get older, get a job, stay at that job collect your retirement watch whilst finding a mate and creating a life together which must include the 2.5 children, the house, the car. 

For many many years I have floated around in my own little bubble and I feel all I have really been doing is surviving. Literally just making enough to go on holidays and get drunk. To complete the same monotony week in week out so that I can spend my weekends doing Jagerbombs at 3am. Don’t get me wrong these nights have made me meet some great people and ended in hilarious events, but I digress. The past few months Ive been blindsided by suddenly feeling really old, looking back on my life and realising 10 years ago I was headed out for the first time to camp america. An 18 year old with dreams of travelling the world and not getting dragged into the rat race. 10 years ago!! 

I feel somedays like I have underachieved so far in life. This is complete bullshit as I have overcome personal milestones, Ive ran my own business for almost 5 years, Ive learnt all sides to business and talking to people and securing deals. Ive also learnt the shit side of having no money, of making the wrong decisions and the need to be able to self motivate and push onwards. Which really are invaluable in the fast paced world we now live in. 

This year is my year to come to terms with the fact that although Im no longer 20 years old there is still a lot of life left in me! I can be a very negative person a lot of the time but thats out the window! ONLY YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL!! 

We spend sooo much time blaming something or someone for the reason we are not where we want to be! If you want something badly enough go out and get it! The realisation i’ve had is that I am not going to be here forever! This ride is going to end and I want when that days comes to think “we had a good fucking run” 

Life is moving faster than its ever moved for me! I am now embarking on a new chapter in my life! Im throwing cautious Joe to the wind and I am off to Australia, Fiji, Bali and Sri Lanka with someone who Ive known for only a few months but has made a huge impact on my life. This is big for me as I am very calculated decision maker but that has been my downfall for not doing this sooner! 

Ive come to realise that looking after yourself is the biggest thing in life! If you're not happy in your job, you relationship or where you are in life then change it! We are all privileged enough to be given this life in a country where all opportunities are open to us! We are not starving, ill or wondering if we will get killed by a drone strike walking to the shop!! Ive spent to long thinking “WHOA IS ME” life is so hard! It is hard at times but my god we have it easy in comparison! 

So follow me on my adventures I promise Ill keep you all updated and very jealous of the places I visit and whatever plans 18 year old you had, if you have not achieved them then do like every band has done this year and make this your 10 year anniversary tour and get out there and smash it! 

xx

[mylifediaryposts]

Remember you always have the power to say, This is not how my story ends!

[mylifediaryposts]

Everybody has a plan until they get hit.

I haven’t written enough these past few months but coming upto 12 months when I realised shit was not going as it should I thought it would be fitting to get back into something I enjoy and put down in words the stuff thats been going on. 

‘Everybody has a plan until they get hit. Then, like a rat, they stop in fear and freeze.’

The above is a Mike Tyson quote that I think can be used throughout life. It rings true for me. As I approach 10 years from my 18th birthday Ive sat back and thought would 18 year old me be happy where I am. Have I achieved what i thought I would have by now? Am I where I thought id be? 

The answer is no, 18 year me thought id have my life sorted. Id have travelled the world and now id be settled with the women of my dreams just with it all sorted out. The reality and aged wisdom of me now knows that, apart from a select few nobody has this. Also things change and unexpected challenges come into our lives that change this path. 

If you’d asked me 2 years ago Id have told you I was in the best place Id ever been in my life. My business was just embarking on a new venture I was proud to have got to. I had the beautiful girlfriend and I was out and living away from home. Ive learnt that when everything is going right I tend to come off the gas and get complacent. 

Then I got hit, out of nowhere for no logical reason. It started small, but we all know how things just spiral, which they did that led me to just freezing, giving up and not fighting against what lay ahead. The problem with just giving up is that this just causes even more things to go wrong. I didn’t keep on top of business which meant that failed, which in turn stressed me out, which I then took out on people close to me which put pressure on that. Which started the cycle of not feeling worthy or that I deserved anything good. Im sure many people are reading this knowing this feeling. 

I spent the first 6 months of this year feeling sorry for myself and blaming everything I could for the reasons why this happened to me. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t face work, people and found myself in a spiral of comfort drinking and feeling bad the next day for doing it. 

A few months ago I started on a new path, I am seeking help through not only finding the route of my depression but also coaching me and giving me the tools to be able to face challenges that are going to be with me for life. Even in this short time Ive found the “old” Joe which has opened my eyes to how bad and low I had been. When you feel this way your brain likes to remind you of things you’ve done wrong quite regularly and me 6 months ago would've listened and pulled the duvet over his head and hidden from the world. 

Theres a lot of things Ive done and behaviours that Im really not proud of and its those things that have kept me down for a long time. Ive learnt now that I you have to let go of the things you cant change and work (and I mean really work) every single day to push forwards to make yourself into the person you want to be. 

If you are struggling now, listen to me just keep going! Keep pushing even if you’re push on a bad day is getting up and making your bed or doing the cleaning just keep going. I know its hard, and I know I couldn't see it when I was at the bottom but there is an end to this! You will be back and when you are you’ll be a stronger better version of yourself. We all get knocked down in life but its how hard you get back up that shows the real spirit. 

If your on the other side and are dealing with a partner or family member who you either know is struggling or think something is up, then your battle is just as hard especially if you’re a person who doesn’t suffer as its going to be hard to understand a lot of the time the mindset of the person suffering. You may not always get the praise for being there and helping but just know you are a help. You’ll be the bright in there dark, the glimpse or normality in there upside down world. Be there, be supportive. We can all be kind! Lets look out for each other! 

Im always here to talk! Look after yourself! 

xx

[mylifediaryposts]

I know its been a while!

Hello Everyone, 

As the title says its been a while! I know I said I would update the good times and not just the bad but i guess when I am in a good place I just don’t feel the need to dive back into the dark side of my life. 

Ive been trying to get round to writing a happy entry into my blog for a week or so but life gets in the way, with everything within the last 24 hours I am in a sombre mood so decided to get my mind out for you all. 

I will get to me and how I am but I have to address the last 24 hours for me. As you all know the world lost a great musician last night with the tragic suicide of Chester Bennington. Horrible for anyone to feel that there only way to be a peace is to not be here. All my thoughts are with his family and friends through this difficult time. In the same breath and away from the limelight and fame I came across online a 26 year girl who committed suicide. 26 years old not even a quarter way through life. Again my thoughts go out. It shows that rich,poor,male,female,no gender anyone can be affected by mental health and theres still not a ‘CURE” for it. Theres a real isolation to this disease that everyone deals with in different ways. Drink, drugs, sex, stealing, self harm to excess are all cries for help that I think sometimes we are all blind to notice in out nearest and dearest. 

Im going to close this section up as I don’t want to dwell on the negatives, but if what i’ve said makes you think or a friend no matter how close or not they are to you, just give them a text/call and just see how they are doing. Sometimes that can be the saving message that stops someone tipping over the edge. 

Onto the part I know youre all here for ;) 

Its July 21st 2017 and Im in the best position ive been in for months. I feel as if I am starting to know the person I am again and starting to be more positive and comforatble just being Joe. 

Its not been easy and I know ive seen a lot of you around here and there and ive always been a different emotion. To those that endured me at the food festival all I can say is thank you! It also made something click into my brain that the only person that was going to set my path straight was me and thats what I am doing. 

I have never been great at talking wether it be with family, partners or even therapists. Im just not great at being vocal. I have found the internet has been a major help to me being able to do my own research and try out different things to see if they work for me and help me to manage whats going on! So if your like me and dont like talking just scour through the internet. Ive just started on an 8 week CBT course which is what everyone had praised as a helping mechanism so heres to hoping! 

I cant stress this bit enough “YOU HAVE TO TRY”. Its all well and good reading and being like thats good! but if you dont put it into practice everyday and work on it work on yourself then you may aswell not bother at all. The hard work ends with you. 

Ive also set myself goals with places I want to visit next year which is giving me something to strive for and sets my mind into saving to make the goals happen. Also another things ive found is pick back up a hobby you used to enjoy. I feel the last 12 months ive found little to no enjoyment in anything. Everything was just a constant level. I recently got back on a skateboard and as much as I sucked it made me so happy to be out and doing something I enjoy. SO get out do something dont be me and hide away in the dark. It does no good trust me on that one.

Dont get me wrong theres still points in the week where I feel down thats part and parcel of life but ive learnt tools to help them never get back to where I was. I am adamant to never return to that place. I know thats also not my decision fully but I am doing everything I can. 

Just remember if you are struggling theres people around to listen- I will always be there for anyone.

Be happy, look after your own mental health firstly and remember we only have go at this game! 

Thank you to everyone whos messaged me or spoken to me out about these blogs it means a lot to know so many read it and it touched so many people at so many levels! 

Right Im off! Weekend is here and its a busy one! If you see my I will gladly have a beer! ;) 

xx

[mylifediaryposts]

[mylifediaryposts]

Everything was going okay and thought I'd seen a break through! One picture online and I'm sat crying! Full marks Joe

[mylifediaryposts]

[mylifediaryposts]

When half of your life has been nothing but a series of bad days.

[mylifediaryposts]

Mental health. We think with our minds and to not be able to think properly is the most hardest thing to endure.

[mylifediaryposts]

Depression Army

[mylifediaryposts]

People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don’t need help.

Glennon Doyle Melton (via depressionarmy)

[mylifediaryposts]

The week ahead.

Well what an up and down few days! 

Last week I went back to work properly for the first time in 4 weeks. Ive been in the odd day over the month but this was the first time Id been back in consecutive days. Own businesses and depression make things ever harder I think. If I had a job that I had to go to then I would have to go and be there and push because like everyone I have bills to pay and cars to fuel. The drive to go in and work on paperwork or have to deal with the everyday problems with the business is very hard and because it has to be my head that pushes on means I have to be driven. 

So I made it 4 days at work, but by the Thursday I was starting to feel very under pressure and agitated. I had a few small outbursts and temper loses throughout Thursday and was tired by 2pm. These are my days at the moment the more I push the tireder I am but if I dont and I sit at home I feel like Ive lost my days and get frustrated even more. Ive also got myself back into the Gym last week. Like my last blog and meditation the gym is another proven help to combat depression and increase the levels or serotonin and its a great boost when you feel like you cant and then you get a really good gym session in so I will keep this up and see how it goes.

As I said this isnt going to be me being down constantly and I am really looking forward to the week ahead. I am feeling positive on the steps I am taking and looking forward to getting myself back into shape and feeling confident with myself inside and out. Theres always bad moments thats life and thats never going to change its about not letting these bad times drag you past the normal levels or let them hold you down for long periods of time. 

Its mental health week next week so ill do an update on things then and also ill give you some places to check out if you feel you need help or more importantly if its something you've not being through and you like to read into it more to try and help you to understand incase someone close to you ever needs your help. 

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week

This website is helpful and has some great links to other coping websites. I shall be back next week until then if you are suffering- YOU CAN DO IT, YOURE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK. 

[mylifediaryposts]

[mylifediaryposts]

[mylifediaryposts]

[mylifediaryposts]

When do you realise and what came next!

Thank you all so much for your support after my post. If you could share my blog to as many places as possible that would be great. The more places I can get the more chance of helping someone. 

I want to get down into words things the few things that stick in my mind that made me realise this had got to such a bad stage. Firstly I remember December I made a call at work that didn’t go my way. In an office with three other people I slammed the phone down and then threw it across the office. Everyone just stared at me shocked. The other one and this one now makes me laugh. We got takeaway in and Id been given the wrong food. In normal life not a major issue but to me I flew off the handle and made such a major deal of it. Its funny now but those two things should have sent sirens blaring. 

Fast forward a few really low months and Im sat at my GP with my mom. Theres something strange about sitting with your mom in a waiting room to go and see the doctor. i felt like a child but also glad that someone was there as Im not sure id have gone through with it alone. 

They did there normal tests, had a chat and gave me a diagnosis I already knew. He gave me a prescription for Sertraline and off I went. I took my first tablet and within an hour I felt awful. I spent the next two days sweating and sick and not able to leave my bed. After two days I gave up on them. I know loads of people that are on anti-depressants and if they work for them that is brilliant but for me I have done my research on tablets and never been a fan. 

I read about a few different herbal tablets and am now stocked up to my eyeballs with them. Im now taking: St Johns Wort, Vitamin C,B,D, Cod liver oil and also turmeric which has been used in Holistic medicine for years. 

In addition to lowering inflammation in the body (which helps alleviate the symptoms of many chronic conditions that can cause depressive symptoms to worsen), curcumin can help balance serotonin, dopamine, and other essential chemicals in the body and brain.

I am about four weeks into the tablets so I will see how the next few weeks go but ill keep you updated. 

The second thing thats really helped to calm me down is guided meditation. Anybody suffering with anything I would recommend it. Just taking 15 minutes out of your morning routine to guide yourself can really give that much needed boost to your day. It just helps to clear your mind as well helping to balance your brain. There are loads and loads of guided mediations on you tube so just stick your headphones on and follow the instructions! 

I am going to try and update this every couple of days to keep track of where Im at. Ill show you good and bad days and also share bits of my story and also anything else I find useful to cope along the way! 

[mylifediaryposts]

25/04/17

I have depression. I feel like for the first time I can say that openly and honestly to myself. 

I cant play instruments or draw so I had to find my release. Im hoping that it may just help or give comfort to anyone who may be in this position and hasn’t got to the point of helping themselves.

I think Ive suffered with depression for years and I have just let in manifest into my everyday life, from not being able to stick at something, to my failing relationships. I was reading an article on male depression the other week and Ive never related to something more than this.

“The emotional abuse I saddled on those around me remains the worse product of my depression. I allowed depression to burden not only me, but two girlfriends, my family, and my closest friends. One girl could not deal with it and ended up leaving me.  The other stuck around longer, and I abused her emotions without knowing it. I was terrifyingly cold and unfeeling, even as she broke down into tears and begged me to say anything.  I made her feel responsible for anything that went wrong in my life.  I left her more than once without warning, but would soon come back  and manipulate her damaged emotions to get back together. All of it was a way for me to artificially build myself back up. I was trying to destroy my depression, but I ended up harming the most vulnerable people in my life. Cowardice and dishonesty dictated my thinking”

I don’t know if you have ever read anything that hits you right down to your core, where you can see yourself in another person. This extract pushed me to the edge. This is something i’ve subconsciously been doing for years and Ive mental broken two strong women with my actions and I think thats the part that will haunt me for a long time. Im not a bad guy i’m the first person to go out of my way to help anybody if i can, so to feel that I could bring someone down to there lowest through my behaviour is something that I will always been sorry for.

Then there is drink, it can be your best friend and your worst enemy. I love the social aspect of drinking. I like to be around people and feel that people want to be around me but its when drink becomes something you do stop your brain chatter it becomes an issue. Which leads into it being the only thing you want to do. When the fun stops. STOP.

I think like most people I have no idea why I am depressed or even when it actually started. Ive faced it now and now I have to be strong enough to push through everyday. This is something that nobody can help you with. Whilst I am on this subject Id like to talk depression from my own experience. For years I didn’t really believe depression existed. Ive been through my fair share of shit as a child and into my teens but Id always just pick myself up and keep going. When I first helped my friend during her dark times I could listen and advise but deep down I thought just be happy, get on with it and that you’re just a bit down. Which I think is the same thoughts for most people when you hear the word. Now that I’m there I realise what these people were telling me. I can only explain it as: Imagine someone is shaking your head whilst you are trying to pull yourself out of quicksand. They stop shaking your head for a minute but that was the only thing stopping you from sinking. Or you know the part in deadpool with the tank that starves him of oxygen but thats you feeling strong then when the machine turns on you lose all ability to think, move and all you want to do is lie in bed and sleep. Ive been sad, Ive dealt with things that are not nice but this is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Im sure theres a few of you reading this that know what I’m saying and if you don’t I really hope you never will.

As men from nursery we were always taught that the men are strong and you look after the girls and make sure they’re safe. The theme runs throughout childhood stories and into disney films with the princess in the tower and the brave knight has to face the dragon to rescue her from the tower. I’ve always been the go to guy when people needed help or advice. Its something I pride myself on. Ive always been the strong figure in my family so facing this has been a major challenge for me. Telling the people closest to you that you're not okay is hard and I wont forget the look my mom gave me before embracing me in a massive hug! I kept mine to myself for ages and now in hindsight I wish I had spoken out sooner! 

I have loads more to write but lets not give you all the good stuff in one go! I only have two small points to make. 1. This is not me looking for sympathy this is me finding an outlet that i’m hoping may help somebody else. 2. Im still me, I don’t want to be pussy footed around, and don’t worry i’m not contagious. 

I hope this hasn’t bored you to much and Ill be updating this with my good days and bad days and also the things i’ve found that have worked for me and the ones that haven’t. Its not easy for me to share this journey but I feel us as men need to be more open as to many of us suffer for no reason!