mysterioamor

[mysterioamor]

"You shouldn't die for something you don't live for."

[mysterioamor]

"Doing it is an honest mistake, not being able to admit it is a prideful mistake."

[mysterioamor]

"You can only appreciate something you don't have."

[mysterioamor]

"I love flaws. It only shows me progress."

[mysterioamor]

"You can't be great at something you're afraid of."

[mysterioamor]

Angels Don't Exist

Is that the light reaching my sight? For the life I've spent, here comes the end. I feel a rush coming down my spine. Memories so tragic, memories so fine, flashed before my eyes. Oh, my soul is in for a rise.

Where am I? Where do I stand? Is this the heaven; a place that can't be in question, where there's no sorrow and confusion? Is that where I am to be?

I felt a release. It seems like my heart is at peace. I felt a shiver of cold, and the warmth of a hug. Without such an effort, I felt a large comfort.

For a second, I dared to open my eyes, I dared to widen my sight. Perfection is what I saw, a beauty no one could draw.

I could have stopped right there. I should have not cared. But, when I counted every single soul, I stun. I always end up with the number one.

This paradise, I don't share with anybody. I wondered why and prepared to see. I looked down feet under. I saw all the souls raptured in thunder. My stomach turned upside down, as I saw all too frowned. What's more surprising at all is that no one grieved at their fall.

"Oh, how did you end up as raptured souls?" I shouted right under.

“Angels don't exist"

I heard as I felt a pulling of thunder. As I fell back down, I saw the destruction of the world of perfection. Oh, what a deceitful illusion.

The angels, those beings with such pure hearts. The angels, those beings are just a fantastic art.

Don't you understand? In a land of paradise, there would be no peace if beings exist.

Don't you understand? Those who have a mind and soul would always desire control. Those who have a mind and soul, in their heart, there will always be a hole.

As the heaven disappeared abruptly,

There, I realized…

"We're in paradise."

[mysterioamor]

What's Wrong With Being Wrong?

Oh, what's wrong with being wrong? When a river flows smoothly with perfection, the river is not quite fun to stay along, because It flows yet stays in the same position.

Oh, what's wrong with being wrong? Mistakes may make you tear up but tears make you strong. This is how you stay tough in a life that's too rough.

Regrets may come very common. But, a life without regrets is just hard to stand upon.

A life without regrets is a life that has nothing to defend. Wouldn't that be so shameless if you let yourself be that defenseless?

So tell me, what's wrong with being wrong when its presence makes you grow a ton? Oh, how everything, you can make, because of some silly mistakes.

[mysterioamor]

I Don't Want To Say Goodbye

I don’t want to say goodbye for I want to be with you again. I want you to wipe my tears as I cry, I want to see you around now and then.

Seeing your smile ever so widely makes my heart leap. Hearing your voice ever so gently gives me a good night's sleep.

I don’t want to say goodbye for I want to be with you again. How I hurt as I remember why I set up two plates on my table at exactly ten.

How can you leave my heart so alone? It stumbles to stand up with no one to hold. How can you leave me in my bed on my own? Every night, my weeps, I can’t seem to control.

I don’t want to say goodbye for I want to be with you again. I don’t want to die but that’s how I’ll see you again.

You told me you’ll never leave my side. As I lie down beside your grave, I just know it was all a lie. Trust me, I tried but I don’t want to say goodbye.

[mysterioamor]

"Love is not blind. It's just love that makes you blind."

[mysterioamor]

"There is no longer a need to compare the heart and the mind. They work together. Your mind needs your heart to be loved and your heart needs your mind to know how to love."

[mysterioamor]

Someone Is Above Another

They say no one is better. Equality stays alive at night and day. They say no one is above another, no matter what you look and say.

Every day we preach, the equality that must convey. Yet, the reality in the speech, do we really portray?

Does equality exist in the world of hierarchy? Must equality exist in the world of diversity?

In everything we are, there’s always a difference. Our destiny upon a star will doubt equality as inference.

At birth, beings are not given the same direction. At birth, beings are never in the same position.

Equality—such a dreadful illusion, a way to suppress the world’s injustice. Like, child’s play in definition, Equality—a dream that will never exist.

It matters who you are. That’s how the world revolves rather. It matters what you do. Because someone is above another.

[mysterioamor]

Her

Who am I? I think my name stands for itself. I am Akuji Alodia. Alodia, yes. The “family of power”, they say. I wish they were right. I wish we are powerful. In this world, power is often just the value you can grasp—money. Money is not an object anymore. It’s too dominant. Although I wish that its dominance is enough, but the only thing I could do is wish.

The event ended. It was consuming. No, the work is not the problem. I actually find it quite easy. It’s those eyes, those eyes that look at you from the minute your presence is shown, those eyes that express different perceptions in a single glare—they are looking right at me. It makes me feel so weak.

I was walking to my car when I saw this girl taking selfies in front of it. For what? To show the media she's worth something? How ridiculous? I walked straight up to my car, got in, and leave. I left no words. Someone so unethical is not worth my time. Although, I could hear her apologies fading as I drive away. Those people are so shallow. They lie to be happy. No, they lie that they are happy.

That happened a few weeks ago, that memory is such a blur now, especially since I have to prepare for the new school year. I am an Alodia. I have to be perfect. I carry the name and I have to prove that I deserve it. Perfect appearance, perfect performance, perfect life—that is what I’m supposed to get.

Today is the day. I took a deep breath and get out of my car. Those eyes again, they are looking at me. I was so dumbfounded by the unbearable feeling that those glares gave that I accidentally bump into someone. It’s a girl. She’s covering her face. Wait, is that…the girl who took selfies with my car? It’s her! She realized that I now noticed who she really is, so she slowly uncovered her face. That face—it's so comforting.

The bell rang and we both rushed to where we were supposed to be. We ended up in the same class. Coincidences… Our professor gave us an early project. We need partners. I saw her raising her hand. “I want to be partnered with Akuji!” she exclaimed. Fortunately, the professor didn’t hear her. He seemed quite busy. So, I slid close to her. Before I could say anything, she whispered “Hey, I just really want to compensate for what I did. I want you to know that I’m ashamed.”. “Shouldn’t liars be?” I responded without any hesitation. That face…she was hurt, but then she smiled. “I had to. There are some situations that you have to sacrifice your pride in, Mr. Alodia. Pride and dignity are things that do have to say goodbye to one day. If someone would take them, let it be yourself.”. “No-“, I tried to say, “Could we be partners?” she cut me. At this point, I just couldn’t say no anymore.

As we were discussing the project, she asked me “How tight is your schedule?”. I gave her a confused look. “Well, I could help you with the things you needed to do!” she exclaimed. The look on my face remained. “The truth is I need a job. Money is tight. We just met and it’s too much to ask you but I know that you’re the one who could help me,” she confessed. This is not supposed to be a charity event. I didn’t know what came to my mind but I agreed.

Days go on. With her working for me, we grew closer. I discovered a lot of things about her. I learned that she just got a scholarship to our university from one of the school’s top sponsors. She’s lively. No, she gives life. Whenever we pass by someone unfortunate, she always offers help, even if she herself doesn’t have enough to help herself. One that I love most about her is her voice. Her beautiful voice when she sings makes me feel…complete. I just met a brave girl with a pure heart.

Another day ended. When I arrived home, there goes my father sitting on the couch with wine in his hand. He looked at me. “This is all your fault,” he mumbled. He came close to me and grabbed me. He put his mouth on my ears. “Your mother said adopting you will change our lives. She’s right. Our life was amazing before.” he whispered. He grabbed his glass and swayed his way out. They say, after a long time of pain, you get numb as if it was nothing. Tell me, why does it still stab my heart to death?

The doorbell rang. I opened it myself. It was her. As usual, she smiled at me energetically. But, her smile slowly faded away. I think she noticed the look on my face. I tried to hide it. I tried to make it seem okay like what I do every day. But, I failed. Tears started dripping from my face. I can’t help it anymore. I fell on her shoulders and I just can’t seem to rise. “Shh, it’s okay” she assured me. I know it will not be but those words made me feel so safe.

I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. When I had the strength to speak up, I told her my story.

“I remember, when I was 5, I was in a good place. I have a family. I have a life. I was happy. I was always eager to go and play. I often force mama and papa to come with me to the playground. One morning, I heard that my friends are there. I sprang to my parent's bedroom and woke them up. I shook them until they finally woke up. It was the best. But, going there, was not fun. It happened so fast. My mama hugged me tightly. I was too young to grasp what was happening but I sure don’t feel good. We got into a car accident. That day I lost a part of me. I lost my parents.

I immediately found myself in an adaption center. My time there was not the most amazing either. Some of the people there are not too welcoming. That didn’t help with the grief I’m still experiencing. It was a hard time. I was just often alone looking out the window. I was still waiting for my mama and papa. Yes, I know they will come back. They love me! But…they did not.

One time, as I was looking out the window, I heard a voice too sweet—“Darling?”. It was a woman. She was smiling at me. Just by looking at her, I already felt better. She started a small talk. For a short period of time, I felt safe. “W-who are you?” I happened to mumble. “Your new mama,” she exclaimed with a smile. She lifted me to her chest and sang me a lullaby “When the rain falls, treat it as if it’s my calls. Give it a wait, but in answering, don’t be late”. She swirled and danced through her voice. I fell into a deep comfort. I just knew from that time, I have a new home. My new parents were the best. They made my recovery so easy. They took care of me. They loved me. But, good life really wasn’t for me.

I’m a very curious child. I do a lot of things I shouldn’t. One day, I happened to go past through the kitchen. There was no one there since our workers were treated to a fancy vacation, so I got in. It was huge. I came over to the sink and grabbed the first thing I saw that happened to be a soap. The soap was dropped to the floor when I accidentally brushed my hands on it. I lost my balance and fell with it. I cried in response. I shouted for help. All I could think of is call mama. She came rushing to me.

She didn’t notice the mess I made. She slipped. There were screams and cries. I saw blood. I saw my mama die. From that day onwards, my papa…my adopted father hated me. I wish he was just a terrible person. But, no, he hates me because I deserve it. He hates me because I killed mama.”

She listened to my story so patiently.

Her tears joined mine. For hours, she held my hand and we sat there mourning for something I can’t change. She put her hands on my face and gently wiped my tears. Her eyes locked in mine. She gave me a smile. That soft face, she- she looks like mama. That day ended like a movie. There was too much to handle in such a short period of time. I'm still in deep pain. But, I’m glad that I have someone to express that to. I’m glad I have her.

The next day, I arrive at the school eager to see her again. But, she wasn’t there. I tried looking for her. I couldn’t. I tried asking everyone about her though I failed. I can’t describe her. I-I don’t even know what her name was. Everyone was clueless including me. I ran through the hallways. I took a look at every single room my sight could reach. Where is she? Who is she? My head started to hurt so badly and then there was a huge black-out.

I found myself laying on a hospital bed. “Is he ok?” I heard vaguely. Is it her? I opened my eyes quickly. It was my papa. The medical workers noticed my movement and they immediately rushed to check me. I was fine. But, all I could think about is her. “Where is she?” were the first words that came out of my mouth. “She?” they asked. “Yes, t-the new student, her!”. They all look confused. I was so desperate. "…We'll find her later, take a rest first. I don't want this to happen again. I don't want you in p-pain." a voice so commanding yet so gentle proclaimed. Was that papa? He cared…He sighed and then followed the doctor on her way out. I was left with the nurses. They keep on checking on me and asked me a few questions.

It was too much to perceive. I was left there, puzzled. When things started to settle, I asked the same question “Where is she?”. The minute I asked, my father, entered. He was with the doctor and the…principal, Mr. Hayate. I’m not surprised that my father has the capability to grab Mr. Hayate with him, I just don’t know why he has to. Then, it all came crashing down.

“Who are you trying to find, Akuji.” my father asked. I couldn’t answer. “T-the new girl,” I responded. That’s the only thing I could remember. Mr. Hayate expressed a very perplexed look. “New girl?” Mr. Hayate tried to clarify. “Yes,” I assured. “How bizarre? This year, we decided to close the acceptance of new students in the university due to the school’s limited capacity even the scholarship events were forced to be closed. So, there is no "new girl”. Mr. Hayate confessed.

I don’t understand. I can’t. How is this possible? I looked around. The doctor seemed to know why already. “Dr. Aletheia, do you have something to say?” my father suddenly inquired battling his strong assurance. “Mr. Alodia, could I talk to you privately?” Dr. Aletheia requested. "No!" I felt their shock inside the room as I raised my voice. There was a long silence. "I want to come, I want to know too," I explained. Dr. Aletheia seemed reluctant but I insisted.

There was I with Dr. Aletheia and papa waiting for the truth to show itself. “From the result of Akuji’s tests including his answers to the questions our fellow nurses asked him, Akuji has schizophrenia. This disease makes it hard for people to interpret what's real from what's not. This often happened as a result of deep stress and serves as a coping mechanism. Illusions could be made to compensate for the loss someone had gone through. The character could look like someone that you dearly missed or truly loved. His mind created a character that would satisfy his social needs. So, “She” is just an illusion. “She” is not real." Dr. Aletheia finally explained.

Not real? What? No, this is not happening. She is real, she is real. “AAHHH, SHE IS REAL!” I shouted uncontrollably holding my head with both hands. The medical workers had to come and calm me down. I lost consciousness.

When I opened my eyes, there goes papa. His eyes are not mad at me anymore, they’re just…hurt. “Your mama is not the only one who couldn’t leave you that day…” papa said. “The second I laid my eyes on you, I fell in love. I knew from that day, I found my son. It just hurts a lot, Akuji. I love your mama. It’s so much pain. I can’t bear it. I blamed you because I was too weak. Looking at you in this hospital bed made me feel the same way when I saw you beside that window, I would never want to let go of you again. I’m so sorry. Akuji, can you forgive papa?” he cried.

All those pain, all the sufferings I’ve gone through, my father is still my papa. “Papa, I’m so sorry. It’s my fault.” I expressed through my tears. Papa held my hand. “No, Akuji. I was just scared. I was scared to love someone so much again. But, I couldn't help it. I love you but I failed to show that.” he proclaimed. It was such a long time. But, yes he came back! I knew he would. Papa is back.

As a child, I sat beside the window and looked out of it waiting for them. Here I am doing it all over again. Now that my father is back, I didn’t know who I was waiting for. She…she isn't true. If she comes back, she just didn’t. Because…she couldn’t come back into my life when she was never even there in the first place.

I saw a sight of her outside the window. I tried to stop myself. Akuji, stop deceiving yourself! Ah, you’re hurting yourself. Stop! But, I can’t help it. I rushed down and faced the rain. There she was, a beautiful lady singing “When the rain falls, treat it as if it’s my calls. Give it a wait, but in answering, don’t be late”. She sang as she twirled around dancing to the graceful melody.

Tears dropped from my eyes. I ran to her. I touched her face that's so soothing. “I love you” — the words came out of my mouth. “You can’t, I'm not real, remember? You’re an amazing person that needs someone to show that to. And, that’s not me,” she said. She continued “Akuji, for a new life, be ready, go and make yourself happy."

I grabbed her by her shoulders, and slowly her lips touched mine. We kissed. I closed my eyes. For such a long time, I finally felt loved. The soft touch of her soft lips vaguely faded away until all I could feel was the cold rain.

That was the last time I saw her.

They say money is power. Some say, what you feel is the controller. But, your mind is the manipulator.

[mysterioamor]

Why Didn't I Notice?

Me? My name is Alvina. I was just a normal girl, a student, a friend, a dreamer, and also a lover. Yes, I have someone locked in my little heart. His name was Mike. Mike has it all. He’s at the top of our class. His family also owns a multi-million company. He’s romantic and charming. One look from him will make you fall to the floor. He’s the dream and mine too. They say no one is perfect. But, he was, he's perfect.

One normal day at school, or maybe not. I saw Mike walking, I was staring at him helplessly when he noticed me. He slowly walked towards me. Everything was in slow motion and so was the pulse of my heart.

“Hey, beautiful. What’s up?” he proclaimed.

Is he talking to me? Did he just call me beautiful? I can’t believe it all. I froze and trembled. It seems like Mike realized.

“Love, you don’t have to hurry. You got all the time you need in the world because you're my world.” he assured me.

I felt like my heart finally stopped. I did everything to talk and finally, I got the strength to pour on a few words.

“H-hi” I responded.

It began as small talk and ended as a romantic conversation. He ask me if he can get my number, and without any hesitation I gave it.

Time flew so fast. Without even noticing, we needed to say goodbye.

After our classes, I went on and visited my best friend, John. I've known John since forever. We do all kinds of things together. Some say, we're inseparable. I admit, it's kinda true. Everything just seems easier with him.

I told him everything. He listened very patiently even with my loud squeals and strong hits out of excitement. He laughed with me throughout—this is why I love my best friend.

It was such an extraordinary day!

I woke up. There was a sudden dilemma I felt as I realized that I was going to be late for school. I bumped my head when I rose. Slowly, I remembered…it was the weekend. What a silly mistake.

I heard my phone buzz. I checked it immediately. Is this who I think it is? Is it him? And, there it was—a message from Mike. In no time, I replied. We messaged for hours and enjoyed it. I didn’t realize that this perfect lad is so much fun too.

I messaged John and let him know about what happened. He was shocked too but I think he was happy for me.

I continued messaging Mike. He was so gentle and enticing. I couldn’t wish for anything more.

One time, my phone buzzed. There it is again—a message from Mike. As I opened the message, I almost fell to my knees

“Alvina, I’m falling in love with you,” he confessed.

That was the happiest day of my life.

Now it was Monday. I saw Mike in the school hallway. Mike and I don’t have the same classes so I don’t see him personally very often. But, I know we maintained a great relationship with those messages, especially from what happened last night.

I immediately slid next to him. I tried opening up about how I feel too. I decided to do this personally to show how sincere I am about it. Before I get to that, he gave me a confused look.

I tried starting a talk but then he said “Hello, do I know you?”.

I giggled a bit. But, the look on his face remained.

“Alvina—the girl you’ve been texting” I reminded him.

“Alvina…I took you number? “ he asked.

“Y-yes!” I responded.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would take that seriously. That was just a dare. Hold up, I never even messaged you after that haha. Please, get a load of yourself. You're not even that pretty.” he proclaimed with a scornful laugh.

A girl then walked up to us and kissed him straight to the lips. It hurts so much. I just want to drown myself from humiliation and wake myself up from this imagination. How pretentious did I become? Tears started dripping from my eyes and I ran.

Along the way, I bumped to someone. It was John. I fell into his arms and sobbed. I couldn’t help it anymore.

The moment I got the strength, I told him everything. He looks concerned and…guilty.

“Alvina, it’s me.” he mumbled

“Huh, w-what do you mean?” I expressed not knowing what’s he's trying to say.

“It was me. It was me who messages you all along. I-I just pretended to be…Mike” John confessed.

“What? John, why? Why! Tell me, why!” I asked desperately as tears fell from my eyes.

“Because I love you! And, I figured out, if I pretended to be Mike, I could feel like…you love me too,” he admitted.

“I’m-“

I didn’t let him finish. I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s too much! I ran away…again.

I rushed myself on my way home. There, I cried until sunrise. There’s nothing more that I could do. It feels like everyone is against me. I feel so…defenseless.

My phone notified. At first, I don't want to read it, but my curiosity won. There it was—a message from John.

It said: "I’m so sorry, Alvina. I love you and I seek your love too. And, I intended to get it in the wrong way. I know where I stand in your life. I’m just your best friend and I’m so sorry if I tried not just to be in that way. I'm selfish l, I know. I just want to make you feel what you deserve to feel. I want you to know that I here—your…true lover".

Tears dropped from my eyes, he was right, I shouldn’t have wasted myself on a person who couldn’t care less about me. All this time, I have my John. I was so blinded by fantasies that I didn’t even notice someone who loves me truly. WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE?

The next day, I looked for John. He was not there. The classes were over and I didn’t see any signs of him so I decided to pay him a visit, to his house.

When I got there, I saw his mama and papa crying through the window. I couldn’t grasp what was happening but I certainly don’t feel good. I gently knocked and decided to ask what happened.

“John is gone. My baby is gone!" his mama exclaimed tearing in pain.

"No! This can't be." I responded.

I’m so puzzled. I could feel my chest tightening. I don’t understand anymore…

The moment the atmosphere calmed down, they tried to explain what happened.

“My baby has a disease. Alvina, he tried to hide it from you. He said that it’ll hurt you. He convinced us to keep the secret for a moment…he died yesterday.

We saw him lying on the floor holding his phone, with tears. M-my John, he’s no longer h-here” his mother cried out.

What?! No, no! John! My knees weakened. I fell to the floor. I cried and sobbed but I couldn’t do anything anymore. Here I am again, helpless. I-it’s my fault. I-I’m sorry John.

I love you too…

[mysterioamor]

My Body Is Not My Choice

Hearing comments that voice out the fact that we should have full possession of our bodies has shown me an enemy I'm not aware of. They say, we are free to be in any state we desire as it is our own. We are entitled full control of ourselves and no one should ever be granted the same privilege. We will not be held accountable for what people do not like about what our bodies turned out to be as long as we don’t affect theirs. The right should be ours and only ours.

I’ve always thought that the essence of body freedom is just too simple. It seemed to me that having the chance to pick what I wear and what I don't, what I put in or out of my body, or what I do to myself is enough. I've always believed that I held this kind of freedom. I couldn’t be more wrong.

It may be that no one rips my clothes off whenever I try to wear what I want but their words of insult would slowly change my clothes out of insecurity. There may not be a chain on my leg but there would be those denouncing glares I receive as I try to enjoy a simple walk. No one steals my plate at the dinner table but there would be unbearable jokes that just make me starve. They don’t use their own hands to take away my freedom, they drive me mad so I could do it myself.

I have full control of my body but not of my opinion. They intimidate me and make me believe that it's my voice that I hear but the truth is I just shout whatever they whisper. Sometimes, I just try to suppress this epiphany just to feel a bit of superiority. Yet, all I do is sit and watch as they do it to me and it hurts. Knowing the fact that you are the one taking away the choice for your own body is worse than having no choice at all.

I know it’s just not me who thought I'm free, but when I feel a bit of disapproval, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. It's hard being your worst enemy...

[mysterioamor]

How Are You?

Oh, what a common line where we always give the I'm fine. But, what If we become true? What if we say what we're going through? What if we hide those smiles for once and say what's truly in our hands?

Would they listen when we say we don't know our position? Would they listen when we say we question our existence?

The world is so big. There's so much to dig. We're here in existence. But, it seems like nothing is alive.

We don't understand. We don't know where we stand. All of this, we feel, creepy little things that could kill.

So empty, no pity. Couldn't act the same way, couldn't see the same sunray.

So dark, there's no spark. We smile, can't cry. it's such a pathetic lie.

When someone asks "How are you?", We only wish we could say, "This life, I can't pursue." Although, this, we can't ever do. As, everyone can ask about your despair, yet not truly care.

Ears listen, but they can't ever understand. For that, I'll say I'm fine when myself, I can't define.