mythoughtsdontmind

[mythoughtsdontmind]

[mythoughtsdontmind]

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[mythoughtsdontmind]

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[mythoughtsdontmind]

Journal Post #2

Date: May 25, 2024

Mood: chill

Period: yes

So uh wow it's been 2 years. Well a lot has happened. A lot. So not too long after my last post I decided to leave my significant and the father of my children to move up north to Indiana from Texas with our two boys. I felt alone. We were going through a very rough patch in our 10 year relationship. I needed to feel support and I needed to know that I could do it without him. So I moved in July of 2022 and have been here since. Not too long after I moved with the boys he had called me crying saying he missed me and the boys and wanted to move up here too. It was too soon and I did not want that. He went against my boundaries and moved up regardless of how I felt about the situation. I ended up having a panic attack and mental breakdown. During this time I was also running out of my medication and trying to figure out how to juggle everything. So he moved up here and needed a place to stay so of course I offered for him to stay with me until he found a place. During that time I was having mini panic attacks about him being there so then he started to withdraw. Even though he was helping with the kids I was so untrusting. I kept thinking sure he's doing it now but how long will that last? He's only doing it to keep me and once he realizes he has me he'll stop. So I did some self destructive behavior. I ruined it first so he couldn't be the one to ruin it. I was gonna be in control of the situation. It was very bad. Eventually he moved back to Texas for a short while until I asked him to come back up to help with the kids.

To go along with all this. My mom and brother, aunt and uncle and two cousins, along with my grandma all live here in Indiana. I thought I would have support and feel at home. And I did at first for a while. I love my mom. I love my brother to a point. I really just don't feel connected to my family at all. I love them but I could honestly care less. We just don't have a lot in common and I always feel so out of place and awkward around them. All of them except my mom. It's a weird experience. Anyway. Chase and I are doing really well. I have not been taking my meds since Bob (Chase's dad) died in September of last year. I don't know why but I took it really hard.

I just applied and interviewed for a position within the company I work with. It's a work from home job and it pays more. I really hope I get it. If I do, I think we'll be moving back to Texas. We'll be closer to Chase's family and the boys' cousins. We'll see! I think that's it for now. K bye!

[mythoughtsdontmind]

Journal Post #1

Date: April 13, 2022

Mood: anxious

Period: no

Medications: Lamotrigine 25mg

Ok so this is just a start for me to keep track of my emotions and the factors in my life to help work my way through my issues. Hope this helps. So far not too bad. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in 45 minutes. We’ll see how it goes. I might need to switch. Don’t feel like my medication is helping. I might update this later.

Edit: post appt - my prescriber is upping my dosage to 50mg. I told her I couldn’t be 100% that it was working since I haven’t had my cycle while on it yet. But since being on it I feel like I’m constantly teetering. Constantly going between up and down. Not all the way up and not all the way down. When I’m up though I’m a little irritable (not terribly, I’ve definitely been worse) and when I’m down I feel worthless and cry but once it’s done it’s over so it doesn’t last long. Idk we’ll see!

[mythoughtsdontmind]

[mythoughtsdontmind]

hate hate hate that anxiety translates over into physical symptoms like what the fuck you're supposed to be a MENTAL illness

[mythoughtsdontmind]

[mythoughtsdontmind]

Here’s some thoughts…again

I think I am actually looking forward to the week. Chase will be working. His schedule makes it to where we’re home a lot without him and I kind of enjoy it. I like being a single parent (I pretty much do it anyway) with the addition of a second income. Then I don’t have to figure out how to coparent. That’s awful. Although is it if the other parents’ way of parenting is stuck in the past and completely doesn’t seem to care about the emotional needs for the kids? I don’t know. I just know the week will be virtually peaceful.

This morning the children were watching Daniel Tiger. Who doesn’t love some Mr. Rogers, am I right? Anyway Daniel Tiger has a new neighbor Jodie and she starts school at Daniel’s school. Well Daniel is struggling with his friends playing with Jodie and not him. I think everyone’s inner child can relate to those feelings. Apparently except for Chase. Instead he was making fun of the way Daniel was reacting saying “he’s acting like a little b*#%!” within earshot of our oldest (5) who was watching it. He was probably too distracted to hear Chase but I worry if he had what kind of impression that would make on him. What he would think and how that would make him feel if he was relating to Daniel Tiger and hears his dad say something negative about it. Ya know? Am I thinking too much into it?

To touch on the emotions of Chase. I swear sometimes I wonder if he’s autistic. He just has always had the hardest time with empathy and understanding emotions and that other people have them. Or at least how they might have them in a certain situation. “I wouldn’t react like that” so then he is incapable of understanding how one might react like that. Which then lately has been bringing up my own childhood trauma that has made me extra aware of the feelings of others around me and I’m maybe not as empathetic I once thought….

[mythoughtsdontmind]

(via)

[mythoughtsdontmind]

Wired

My mind is wired in a way I don’t understand. I question it constantly. Why?? Why do I have these thoughts? And why do they lead to more thoughts?

He showed me a TikTok where the woman was getting ready and the man was ready except for the shoes. I think everyone has seen or heard some version of this right? I made a comment yea except I’m the one who also gets two children ready while you just have to worry about yourself. He didn’t seem to care about what I said since he just moved on without saying anything. Anyway cut forward about 30 minutes to an hours and we’re getting ready to take our children to a splash pad. I am struggling with a new swimsuit, which I love the way it makes me look by the way, because the strap keeps popping out of the loop! I got pretty frustrated but eventually got it! Then of course it’s time to find a cover up! Now I have gained weight since going back to work after quarantine in 2020. I am not happy with my body. Anyway none of my summer clothes fit now so I’m struggling to find something to fit after getting frustrated with my strap. I finally find something that…works enough. Then I have to get the kids ready so I make another comment referring back to my comment earlier about how it’s just me getting the kids ready. “We’ll if you had just asked me to get them ready I would have. I heard you tell them to do it so I just thought they already had” obviously not actually looking at our kids with his own eyeballs to see they are both not dressed or ready! Then he says, after I’ve gotten the kids ready to go, “Just to be clear I did not even want to take them to the splash pad I just wanted to take them to the park. I just said ok to make you happy”. Then why say anything at all?!? Anyway that really was just the straw that broke the camels back. I was done. I didn’t want to go anymore. I was already frustrated and feeing down about myself and then for him to say that. I just felt…defeated.

Here is my mind now making connections. Wiring thoughts together. “He’s not the one for you” “We’re never on the same page” “Maybe you’ll find the one for you” “I hope my kids can find true love, unlike their dad and I have”. I don’t know what my future holds but I just hope that I’m happy.

[mythoughtsdontmind]

sometimes do you ever just want to

[mythoughtsdontmind]

Self Worth

It has been something I’m realizing I have struggled with for a very long time. I’ve only recently realized that it probably started when I was a child. I think it may have started with my mother but I love her so much that I don’t want to…blame her? It feels like if I do then it negates everything else she did.

I have been feeling pretty worthless lately. I recently quit my job and am now a stay at home mom. I think I have tied my self worth to what I bring to the table. I’ve tied it to work and money and right now I have neither.

I also see it show up in hobbies or activities. If I make a mistake I instantly think I’m not good enough and should give up. I’m very self critical.

Anyway these are just observations. Maybe one day I will learn to love myself and give myself grace.

[mythoughtsdontmind]

If you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015) dir. J.J. Abrams

[mythoughtsdontmind]

I don’t think Link will ever forget Saria.

[mythoughtsdontmind]

Be kind. Just kind.

[mythoughtsdontmind]

Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts.