nanaloving

[nanaloving]

Ever since I was a child I believed there was always calm after the storm, that it didn’t mattered how pretty one was or how ugly one looked that by the end someone strong and kind would come, that everyone would be loved just like those princess movies. It was on middle school that I realized this did not happened, I was on seventh grade and there was this boy I liked, the first one I allowed myself to like, he had dark skin and curly hair, he was beautiful, but at the same time another one of my classmates a girl that was on the same circle of friends as me had a crush on him. But I didn’t made a big deal out of it and neither did she, I remember the day she found out, she simply looked at me and said. ‘Oh’ She didn’t saw me as competition and I understood even back then why. I was the fat looking girl and the only one with big pimples and she was the skinny brunette with a face that was to die for, why would he ever noticed me? I didn’t said anything either, I stopped trying to be on the same classrooms as him and eventually stopped clicking on his instagram. Within no time they started to date, but I still smiled at him and wore my hair down just in case he looked at me. He never did. He never knew I existed. I was just there.

[nanaloving]

I believe there’s different types of bullying, the one you see on the movies and the one they warn you about. The typical people pointing at you on the halls, whispers when you enter a room, gossiping, rumors that aren’t true. But there’s one no one ever talks about, the one that’s hidden between the words “friendship” it hides on tiny comments, tiny actions that at first seem funny, but only at first, at first is just a joke, just a little prank, then it’s them talking behind your back, going quiet as soon as you walk by but acting all normal when you ask them what’s going on, being ignored one day and then not. And suddenly it’s three am and you’re wondering what have you done, why are they texting pictures of yourself and laughing, why? They’re your friends. But they make you what to scream and cry. It’s weird.

[nanaloving]

Home is not home. It’s just a house where I live. The bed I sleep in it’s home. The sheets I hide in are home. But the house I live in isn’t. Sometimes at night I wait until everyone is asleep and wander around. What is home? The house they yell at you for dropping a cup? The house they hit you for breathing? If that’s home then I don’t want it. I rather be homeless.

[nanaloving]

[nanaloving]

౨ৎ‧₊˚ i would rather eat a brick than be forced to say hi to them

[nanaloving]

Sometimes I’m afraid no one is going to truly love me, that I won’t have a person hugging me during the night or when I have a rough day, someone that cares when I’m sick, or just someone. I’ve never had a person like that before, my mom has never cared about me, when I broke my hand on eight grade she ignored me and when she found out I told the teachers about it she made me carry a tv, it’s the same with my scoliosis, I know im not pretty, but ugly? I don’t know. I’ve liked guys before, but always in secret, I would know everything about them but they would never know about me, that’s got it worked. I’ve never allowed myself to like someone for too long, because I know nothing will happen, they won’t look at me, but it’s nice to think they will

[nanaloving]

When I was a child the word “ugly” never really made an impact on me or made me feel bad, I just thought it was a word that people used to utilize when they wanted to be funny, I didn’t realize the meaning behind the word, despite being told I wasn’t pretty or anything it never really affected me, because back then I used to fully believe things would change as soon as I’d become a teenager, just like the changes one would see on tv. But then I turned twelve, and then thirteen and everything kind of stayed the same, I was the same awkward child with pimples you would talk to out of pity, nothing changed, but when I turned fourteen I thought things would, suddenly my acne disappeared and I started getting my eyebrows done, only to the find out people were still being mean, and I am now fifteen and I genuinely believe -more like know- im ugly. I hate it.

[nanaloving]

As a child I often found myself lying in order to get what I wanted, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a brat no. I was fully aware of the lack of money. But I was also very aware that if I wanted hugs or kisses that I had to earn them and despite my attempts nothing ever worked. Drawings. Big hugs. Attempting new things. Nothing. This was until I got an ear infection, and for a whole week my mother smothered me with hugs and kisses and nice words instead of the usual cursing, I was maybe around five, and that’s when it started, lying about being sick so my mother could stay and hug me until I feel asleep, and seeing it know I wasn’t asking for much, just a kiss and a hug, yet my mother was not dumb and quickly got the hang of it. She thought I was suicidal, that didn’t stopped me, instead it make me angry, why didn’t she loved me? Why? What had I done?

[nanaloving]

My mother has never once been kind on her life, on some days she tells me she loves me. She fixes my hair and sometimes helps me cook, but she also yells. She’s good at yelling, she’s good at telling me I’m useless, that I’ll end up like her. She’s good at making you believe you’re worthless. Not only with me but with my grandma, she yells at her too and calls her names, she’s 84 and fragile but that doesn’t seem to touch her, she throws things at her and even makes her cry. I used to defend her, even raising my voice at her (something I never dared to do) although my mom quickly put a stop to it, threatened me to kicked me out, saying I didn’t loved her, she didn’t loved me, she didn’t liked me, that I was dumb, weak. I stayed quiet. I can only hug my grandma as she cries, while deep inside, I just want to die, but I’m too much of a coward to do it.

[nanaloving]

I want to have a family, a family that is so good it never lacks anything, parents that are so good they never fight with kids that are so good they never lie to fit in with their friends, I don’t ask for much I think, just a family, a real family, it doesn’t matter with who or where or when, just a family.

[nanaloving]

I don’t really know how it began, but ever since I can remember I always imagine another version of myself, a world where I’m perfect, just like the others. Sometimes I even catch myself talking alone for hours without even realizing it, and if I’m a bit honest I’m sure it started when I was around seven and for the first time in my life I had been rejected by a group of girls, I had just moved schools and was new although my best friend had changed with me we were different, and I was struck seeing her exclude me with them, not understanding, and I’m sure that was the moment I started to “dream awake” I would imagine myself with friends and a perfect family, which I still do by this day.

[nanaloving]

I think I’ve gained weight, I mean I know I must of have gained weight since school has started again and I’ve been eating both on school and my house, I just don’t know the quantity of how much i have actually gained but I know that it’s been killing me, I feel my pants starting to feel more and more tight as time goes on and that is just horrible. My mom tries to play it off by saying “oh it was the sun” really? The sun that made them dry just magically decided to only shrink mine and not yours? Or my sisters? I hate myself

[nanaloving]

I’ve always loved relapsing, might sound dumb but for some reason every time I get better or at least try to get better I always find myself craving for what I once promised to forget, that feeling of Power and greatness of seeing that number go down without knowing suspecting is just…I love it, how? You may ask, doesn’t your hair fall?, or pimples appear?, you might wonder, but in reality, I stopped caring for that a long time ago and I’ve accepted the cold and sad truth, it doesn’t matter how much I try or how much I do to restore my hair it will never go back to what it used to be…I know it falls down, but I’m not bald, at least it isn’t noticeable, and for the pimples…well when you’ve had pimples since you were eight you grow accustomed to scars and marks, I do not mind them as I do know and recognize I’m not exactly attractive, I know I might never have my teenage love and that does not make me sad anymore, I know what I am…and I gladly recognize it with no shame.

[nanaloving]

Has anyone else dreamed about losing weight and then suddenly gaining it?, cuz I have and it’s terrifying 😭

[nanaloving]