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i just want someone to come exist with me and also hold me and just generally reassure me that things will be okay and i could put this on finsta but i don’t want people to know that i’m sad rn

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mmmmmmmMMMMmmmm

there is no point to anything and i have lost the ability to feel anything but overwhelming anxiety and nausea and loneliness

and theres so much fucked up shit happening rn in the world and i cant stop any of it or even help in a meaningful way

and nothing in my personal life brings me joy anymore

why go on living

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oh its REAL sad boy hours tonight!

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mmmmmmm

me: doing well

me: what if i relapse into my eating disorder? good? yes? i would die to lose 60+ pounds?

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thinking a lot about the state of the world and how i dont want to live in it anymore

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im truly doing okay i just need to get this out

1) oooooof the more i learn about adhd the more im like well fuck. bc it would explain a whole lot. im gonna talk to a professional abt this soon hopefully but oof oof oof it would make a lot of things click.

2) my moms parents keep gendering me correctly and then “correcting” themselves and misgendering me and it’s really an odd dynamic. also even he/him and they/them make me feel weird now, probably because my sense of self is fucked and i forget that i am a person with whom others interact and have a concept of because i don’t actually exist to myself. fun!

3) i am thinking about how im going to have to fight for recognition my whole life and am pre-emptively exhausted. i don’t mind working my ass off but i wish i didn’t have to do it for the bare minimum of acknowledgement of my existence. and it’s never going to be easy for me, and i know nothing worth having comes easily, but god damn. i don’t have natural talent or charisma, i’ve worked really fucking hard to get to where i am, and i still feel like i’m nowhere. and it doesn’t help that my peers and professors keep reinforcing that. i’ll never be a leading man, i might never even make it to broadway. and i’ll fucking fight to make it but it’s so frustrating to watch everyone else get everything you’ve ever wanted when you know you’ll never get there.

4) that being said, this summer i really want to work on being my own person and getting stronger and more confident and maybe looking better. i don’t want to have to rely on anyone but myself.

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can my brain please shut the fuck up for two seconds so i can fucking breathe or maybe even get work done

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love 2 have executive dysfunction and panic attacks! simultaneously!

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i dont want to be helped i just want to fucking kill myself because i cant live like this in this body

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i really dont want to be alive anymore

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i wish i was dead!! hope callbacks go well

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im either sick, extremely dehydrated, or both

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i wanted to have sex with someone tonight but now i dont even want to bc im so fucking dysphoric but like its probably a bad idea anyway because i need to stop trying to validate myself based on other peoples sexual/physical attraction to me and also wanting them to actively degrade me during sex. theres a lot to unpack there

also theres someone who makes me feel really icky and i shouldnt have let them follow my finsta bc now every time they post im gonna be anxious

i made my bed and now ive gotta fucking lie in it and it fucking sucks and there is so much i needed to do this weekend and ive done none of it but god knows i have time to lay in bed feeling sorry for myself because of my stupid fucking tits and my stupid fucking life and my stupid fucking inability to cope with anything

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i want to date you again

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oof ouch my heart