notasainttt

[notasainttt]

Howdy!

its been 8 freaking months of post-breakup phase/villain arc/character development arc/hoe phase/disgrace or whatever y'all call it. Although I appreciate this time. Never thought I had so much in me. Never thought I used to lie to myself so much back then. But I guess, in the end we all win, huh? I really don't know what I'm gonna use this tumblr account for. Its been so busy these days! Tomorrow's another MUN scheduled for me to slay. They say, its unlikely for a newcomer to start winning awards in University MUNs so early. Well, I've done it within 3 MUNs lmao, securing a ducking international award. Call me a narcissist but that's crazy stats for anyone to demonstrate lol. Honestly, I don't miss myself anymore. I don't miss that loser who'd always put everyone else before himself. I'm glad that she killed that persona in me, because if she didn't, I'd never get to know who I was meant to be. Who would've thought a softy that I used to be would deal with academics, MUNs, a real fucking job and yet have enough time to hit the gym! Definitely not me if you asked me back in February 2023. FEBRUARY FUCKING 2023... Man, I would've died for that person. But most importantly, I was living for that person. I don't hate her anymore for what she did. I'm just glad that after all that, after she dared to publicly falsepost about me, saying that I've spread rumors about her, and even stooping so low to make fun of the psychiatric treatment I was going through; I survived. Or should I say, I died only to come back way more superior. Wish I could thank her for the damage she had caused, but I'd rather her be in the blocklist than anywhere near me. That's where she belongs. And if all I've heard about her is true afterall, I'd just say, she'll know how life on earth is always fair-square.

The most beautiful, yet scariest part bout life is, it goes on. Regardless of whether you're ready for it or not. At last, only the winners stay on track, while the others lose. And I refuse to lose this time around.

Let us never surrender,

For the glory and the fall!

[notasainttt]

I'm having rapid burnouts recently. It's awful and definitely not what I need right now.

[notasainttt]

When did I know I was in love with her?

- When she said, she's only interested in vampires,

werewolves and me... ❤️

[notasainttt]

Update

Haven't got the opportunity to come back to tumblr as much. The admission tests are closing in and I am kinda panicking for my poor performance in practice tests. Anyways, there's still more than a week left. This is it then. I'll try to push as much as I know it is healthy for me.

not at my best, not at my worst. idk what's going on.

Quests

Essay contest

Python Basics

Rearrange my desk

TestPapers

[notasainttt]

Importante

Solving The Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change

Chapter 04~

[notasainttt]

Productivity day 06/100

Wednesday 18/05

[some good things i wanna share at the end of this entry]

status:

done all the to-do(s): No (but did most)

day rating: 7/10 (would go for 9 if it we're for the weather going hotter , and if I hadn't been this much worried about things. Would've been a 20/10 if I could meet my precious girlfriend T_T)

Body

As the day of my admission tests are closing in, I've been trying to focus on finishing the syllabus and the question banks more and more. There were some days my body wouldn't wanna favour me, like yesterday. I couldn't keep focusing for even 20 mins straight. My vision would go blur and my head would go blank.

Anyways,I did:

python lessons

biology

revised some old chapters

researched on job prospects for programmers abroad

The only part of the day I loved is the part that I spent with my girlfriend, on a call, on texts, sometimes we study together, sometimes we discuss our days.

Oh and I found out that JavaScript would be a great language to learn after I get the grip of python. There's a 30 day free resource site to learn JavaScript, its on github:

https://github.com/Asabeneh/30-Days-Of-JavaScript

And now for the good part:

see, it hasn't been many days since I joined tumblr. I feel like it is a great place to express your self in a way you probably won't in any other social media platform. People work hard, accomplish their dreams, some are still in the process, some are rapidly developing and "winning". And I love the idea that people get inspired to see others doing good. But some of us end up comparing ourselves and rather get discouraged. But maybe your next failure or the past one is a big part of the process? Maybe we can never "win" over someone else. Maybe it doesn't work like that, maybe we're not even supposed to compete against eachother at all. Maybe.

It's very much okay to not be genuinely happy knowing that some you knew has accomplished so much and you're not doing the same. Just dont feel discouraged. You're not lagging behind. I've heard from someone and I think you should know too that:

YOU'RE VERY MUCH IN TIME

[notasainttt]

Productivity Day 5/100

Tuesday 17/05

(again writing a day later)

Yesterday was special. I did all my to-dos and got some spare time to rest too. Lately I'm finding it tough to fall asleep though. Maybe it's because of the weird weather, maybe for my head being always full of things to think about, things to feel great about, and things to worry about. Idonno how do y'all sleep with these but if you're having issues sleeping for this reason as well, trust me, I know you feel terrible too sometimes.

Well, yesterday was special for some other private reasons too. Still gives me butterflies 🦋❤️✨

Oh and I studies math, had a workout session, done some programming lessons and that's all hehe.

[notasainttt]

It is as real as you feel it is!

Y'all ever came across some things that feel real and so much affecting to you but you can't express it to anyone else? Maybe people even called you crazy or even a bluff. Some would just ignore you and even blame movies and pop-culture or maybe your hobby too for your "imaginary" feelings.

But trust me, what you feel is real. READ IT AGAIN! And no you're not crazy or weak. When I was 12, I started hearing a voice inside my head. It was close to my own voice but it would shout, say stuff very much loudly. Sometimes it used to be so loud that I'd crawl under a blanket and cover my ears with pillows. Little did it help. The voice used to grow louder in complete silence. I talked about it to my parents and they just ignored me. They said it'll get better. Little did I know that in next 10 years , I'd be accustomed to living with it. Sometimes it would feel hell of suffocating, daunting, intimidating. It'd feel like my break will burst. As I grew us, I lost hope that anyone would ever understand, not my friends , definitely not my family.

I'll soon write about how I finally recovered from it. How this wonderful human being, I call my girlfriend, my partner in everything, my BESTFRIEND, helped me through all that and is still clutching every bit of happiness and comfort for me ❤️

Bottomline is, it's not any less real than it feels inside you. So even if you're forced to believe that what's been taking so much mental and physical capacity of you is unreal, trust me, there's no good in it. You can run all your life , but you can't outrun yourself. And the part of you that you can't explain to other people, it's not even chasing you. It's with you, always with you. So, I'd rather wanna accept it as a real thing and then try resolving it. Maybe someday it will help you too.

[notasainttt]

Productivity day : 4/100 (I guess)

monday 16/05

(I'm writing a day later)

Yesterday was kinda hectic. It felt a little too pressured and tensed. I was worried about some things the whole day.

Thankfully the day started with my sweetest girlfriend and I talking to eachother. I can't express enough how blessed I am to have her, to have her when the day starts, and when a day ends, and even in betweens. Then as the day advanced, both of us got busy in doing our stuff, to-dos mostly. Never too busy to not check up on eachother. We always seem to steal some time for eachother. I love this so much!

Anyways, yesterday was suffocatingly hot here(32°C) and as I've already been occupied by some stress and studies, I've been feeling a strange pain in the back of my neck. I felt overwhelmed quite a lot of times but it doesn't seem like I've done enough tasks though.

I did a math chapter and then made a fun program, then math again. Ditched workout, excuse: guests came. Then again math but by 9pm my speed downed drastically. I remember I was doing one math and taking long breaks in between. There were times when I was just staring at my question book... not even reading the prompt. Just staring. Consequently, todays exam was a bullshit. But yesterday ended the best way it could ever get ❤️

My girlfriend called me and we talked about our days for a while and then started studying together. She was sharing some gk questions with me, I was fact checking the answers and that's how we studying for a while.

Thing is, I love you. I love doing anything and everything with you. And as true as it is that I don't like studying, it is true too that I even love studying with you.

[notasainttt]

Listening to "South of the border - ed sheeran" and skipping the Cardi B part is the worst kind of racism I've ever done and keep doing all the time xD

[notasainttt]

The whole thing was magical, a memory cherish❤️

One of my friends got married recently! So happy for her!

Unlike the thousands of other weddings, this time I got to attend it with my love, my prettiest girlfriend ! And damn she was shining like she always does! It's so tough not to ignore the whole environment and just look at her, the whole time if possible. I couldn't help but steal a moment or two every now and then to admire how beautiful she is, how beautiful I feel whenever we're together.

It was a three day function: Holud(haldi night or whatever you say), wedding night and reception.

Both of us attended in all three of them. Sometimes even our parents joined, and it kinda got awkward at times. But that's probably just a few moments, no more than that. She never missed a chance to admire how I looked all three days, regardless of how I felt I looked when I dressed up and saw myself xD

And the next thing I knew was that whenever my girlfriend said that I looked pretty or maybe ever hot xD , I felt great about myself too!

(quick fact: appreciating your partner is a crucial thing to do. Maybe in return your partner will disagree with you verbally, she may even say "I look weird" or something. But she/he will definitely feel beautiful! Try it, who knows, you may even get to see your girlfriend/boyfriend smile! And that'll make your day too!)

I feel like, attending weddings with my dear was one of the bucket lists that existed way before I realised it was there. If possible, I'll experience the whole thing with her over and over again, maybe someone new in the wedding stage, new faces as guests, and same happy, delighted us! Or maybe someday...