notepadramblings

[notepadramblings]

10 years later

And yes, yes and yes!

That's fun

Day 12

Write to yourself about something you secretly want to try To Me, Love me - have you tried these yet? Weed - because why not? Apparently it’s fun and you get the giggles Tattoo - also because why not.. I just love the art! Piercings - might be pretty? That’s pretty much it tbh

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"bbygirl i know not happiness; you are barking up the wrong tree"

A message I sent to a friend at work in jest.

We self deprecate and play up our emo-ness but it was a straight up lie! And it only hit me how much of a lie it was after I sent it.

I am really, genuinely feeling good again.

I know I'll come back to this later and have a giggle at myself because this blog does comprise of "im happy" "lmao no I'm not" etc but it be what it be with depression.

But right now I am!

I also realised i like people. I've said for donkeys I cant stand them but fuck. I like being in groups of people, watching them enjoy themselves, learning about them. I like talking to new individuals. I like throw back meet ups with people from the past. I do like new people (within reason).

Yes, too many humans in one place still makes me anxious and annoyed and overstimulated, and often even indivuduals are intolerable, but I realise now it has a lot more to do with the state im currently in than how i actually feel about them.

I have an infinite amount of love to give, and to waste that on hating people is stupid.

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I'm really not a very angry person there's just a lot of rage inside me

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I'm lonely

I have people I'd do anything for

But i truly don't know if i have anyone that would do anything for me

I love so limitlessly

But Im so, so empty

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A kiss goodbye

And he kissed her

And against her better judgement, she kissed him. She didn't want it but my god she wanted it. She melted and burned at the same time as his lips were on hers and his body was against hers and she knew in that moment if she never did before that there wasn't a time when she didn't love him.

She radiated heat from her core to the tips of her ears and her nose and she swore her whole body was blushing.

Only a second had passed despite the world and her heart stopping and when their lips were no longer touching she wanted to cry. From the loss of him, from the joy of him.

Their foreheads fell together and she gently took a handful of his hair, keeping him there, savoring the way it felt as though he was hers, if for just that moment.

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An exercise

I remember

Less and less every year.

I remember playing with an old lamp we had in the house I grew up in. It was free-standing and came out at a right angle, but folded in on itself so the lamp was either where you expected it to be, or out like an arm. I would dangle my teddies from it (I only had 2 dolls I ever liked - an ariel doll and.. cindy? was it? she had joints and she wore a little dress made out of a rag my grandad gave me. I may even still have it.. it was a dusty blue and super soft) and make up these wild heists or challenges for them. I don’t remember what they were or how naturally it came or how  occupied myself for hours and hours with them.

blegh

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My darling Ming got put to sleep last night.

Today, my boyfriend and flat mate are out and I've never felt so lonely.

I'll hear a noise from the flat down stairs and think it's her jumping down from the bed. Hear someone unlocking their front door and think it's the jingle of her bell.

Such a small creature has left such a massive void in my life and my heart

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It's been 1 year today since Grandad died.

I love him, I loved him.

But I'm not sad.

He caused me so much trauma in his last years that I'm still recovering from that this date holds nothing for me.

Maybe it will in time. But not this year.

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Sometimes the rattle of the old door sounds like keys. Like someone coming home But there never is

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In preparation for the poorest time of my life, I’m going through  everything on my Dropbox so I can save what I need and chuck the rest, cancelling my subscription (because oh my god I’ve definitely given them way too much money over the years). I found an essay I wrote to my ex boyfriend about why I was (am?) depressed. And Its crazy how many of these feelings are still so real and raw 7 years or so later.  Yes I’ve absolutely grown and changed into honestly the best and healthiest version of myself in that time, but that 12,000 word document is still 100% applicable. 

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I wish I believed in god

Because then maybe I'd find comfort in your empty bedroom.

I wish I could say without faltering, that you're in a better place now.

That your final days of suffering weren't the end.

I wish I could ask forgiveness

For showing my frustrations toward the end; not loving you like I should

I wish I could pray to you for strength

In these days of pain, and uncertainty and change in your absence.

I wish that when I clasped my hands you could hear me

Hear me thank you and love you, and love you.

I may not believe in god

But you did.

So I know your God is looking after you

And your wife, true love reunited at last.

Just don't forget about us in this happiness you found

Because we won't forget you.

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Prompt: Dread: Write about doing something you don’t want to do. My phone shrieks and trembles beside the bed, stirring me awake. I pick it up, my eyes aren’t even open enough to figure out what it wants me to do yet, I just pick it up and wave it around, hoping that’s the mission I set it to before I went to sleep. The song finishes and in that moment of peace I thought I succeeded. I hadn’t. It starts again. I didn’t realise I could do simple maths problems in my sleep until suddenly I’m waking up to the next alarm. The demon that was me the night before demands I say silly phrases into the phone until my words no longer slur and it knows what I’m saying. But I’m just too good; my sentences are too coherent, even semi-conscious. Again, a different song, more obnoxious this time, sending my heart into jolts of anxiety of “oh no what time is it” “please go away that noise is stressing me out” and “why the fuck is this my life?”. The duvet sits heavy upon my weak body as I roll over to turn a lamp on because otherwise my brain assumes its still the dead of night, not, in fact, time to get up on a fine Autumn morning. I shut the alarm off and pull myself up, head in hands, to embrace the cold outside the bed. The time is 6.20am. My shift starts at 7am. I should have been getting ready 20 minutes ago. I check the bus times on my phone. I have half an hour to get ready for the bus that will probably still make me late. Another alarm as a reminder that it’s really not a good idea to still be on my ass. This time it demands I get up and take a photo of one of my bathroom tiles before it will stop its shrill song of morning agony.  With a deep breath I remove the covers and start my day.

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Do you ever just wake up one day at 24 years old and realise you’re bi? But like upon that realisation you remember signs from your childhood and youth and go “oh wait I’ve been gay af my whole life lmao”. 

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Prompt: Write a haiku about a body of water. Sparkling crystal pool Rushes where the water falls Ripples at the shore ( a waterfall, believe it or not )

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He was like my lab rat.  I got an interest in psychology one day. And he was the one i picked to study I watched him with a calculating gaze and figured out his patterns and unspoken thoughts. But just like the lab rat  many hundreds of years ago someone fell in love with their sparkling eyes and took them home to care for and nurture, I realised I’d rather make him smile than find out what makes him sad.

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1. 7 currently! Ming the cat, and the rats: Silver, Scout, Sammy, Caesar, Billy and Thomas. 2. I got my first hamster (Bo the Syrian) when I was 10 years old and haven’t been without an animal since. 3. Really depends! I do love cats because of their independence, they’re super compatible with someone who works full time. 4. Rats!! Super smart and affectionate. 5. I love snakes. I couldn’t own one while I have the rattos, seems cruel, but they are beautiful and surprisingly affectionate as well as low-maintenance.  6. I do love a sausage dog.  7. Ming’s tortoiseshell mess of reds and browns is beautiful 8. Dillon, one of my first rats, decided he wanted to mate with my hand, and instantly fell off, taking a chunk of my hand with him. That was a fun night in ER! Still have the scar to remember him by. 9. Honestly, no. Working full time means I have little time in the mornings/evenings to pay attention to my animals, and sharing my love would be even more difficult the more I have. I’m quite comfortable with my current arrangement. 10. Silvy, Scoot, Seeemy, Ce-ce, Billy bum and Tomeees.  11. No, I find it highly irresponsible, especially with so many to rescue. However my other half’s cat (an adopted stray) did have 4 kittens and it was super precious. But its important to remember that mummy animals are living, feeling beings and as much as babies are cute, giving birth and rearing kids is a massive physical and mental strain for her. 12. Me!!! The boys love using me as a climbing frame and my cat is always begging for snuggles. 13. I love wrestling and playing with the boys with my hands! 14. Nope! For the pets I have it would be very irresponsible. Ming is not social and very anxious, not even comfortable with other animals in our back garden. And small animals are anxious and territorial by nature. I would absolutely, however, if I had a dog.  15. Moved house with Ming! 16. I put a mini witches hat on my boys for a halloween shoot! 17. My other half and I are planning on having 2 dogs, called Dragon and Ciri. That being said, I loooove food names for animals! 18. Generally not too bad! I do have colleague discount though... although I did drop £300+ on one rat to get a tumour removed! 19. Foxes!! Domesticated in some areas, but I love watching them in the wild.

petblr ask meme

Send the numbers in an ask & I’ll answer these! (feel free to reblog for yourself) 1. How many pets do you have? What are they called? 2. Have you always had pets since you were young? 3. What’s your favourite kind of pet animal? 4. Favourite small animal pet? 5. Favourite exotic/uncommon pet? 6. What’s your favourite breed of a pet animal? 7. What’s your favourite colouring of a pet animal? 8. Tell us an anecdote about your pet/s! 9. If money wasn’t an issue, would you have more pets? 10. Do you have cute/silly nicknames for your pet/s? What are they? 11. Have you ever bred pets? (and/or) Would you consider breeding pets? 12. What’s your pet/s favourite toy (or enrichment)? 13. What’s YOUR favourite enrichment that you like to do with your pet/s? 14. Have you ever had a pet playdate/meetup? (Would you like to?) 15. Ever travelled with a pet? 16. Ever dressed up your pet? 17. Have any names that are stuck in your mind for a future pet? 18. What are trips to the vet like? 19. What’s your favourite kind of undomesticated animal? 20. Bonus - add your own question/s!

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Depression for dinner

Sometimes depression for dinner is buying a gross microwave meal every night because you don't care enough to make something that won't clog your arteries.

Sometimes it's takeaway- that's at least vaguely nutritional right?

It can also be hashing something together from cupboard remnants because leaving the house was too much of a challenge today.

Cereal is a contender when your mental health doesn't let you cook. Quick, easy, and shuts your stomach growls up enough for you to sleep!

Sometimes depression for dinner comes in the form of attempting to cook a meal but burning it beyond recognition or dropping it straight out of the oven, and deciding that it's not worth the heartbreak of trying again.

Or my personal favourite- sleep for dinner! Your body can't know it's hungry if you're unconscious! (Bonus if you cry yourself to exhaustion first).

Your Depression for Dinner comes free of charge when you Just Don't Eat! Your body just starts digesting fats and muscle crucial to your survival instead!