notes-from-anathan

[notes-from-anathan]

I always wanna die sometimes

[notes-from-anathan]

It's not doubt, it's inaction

[notes-from-anathan]

It’s almost 3 AM, and we’re drawing a dragonfly with filigree wings. I work on the body of the dragonfly; he does the filigree. We only have pencils and bought a canvas from a random store here in Baguio. He said it was his dream to do this. He’s smiling. I love his smile.

[notes-from-anathan]

people on tumblr can have my instagram but people on instagram cannot have my tumblr

[notes-from-anathan]

i love going back to my old tunes

[notes-from-anathan]

Today, I find myself wanting to stop breathing.

I wonder what it would be like to be a tree, a cat, an idea, a ghost—anything but who I am right now. I find myself searching for reasons from days past that might have led to this: my sleep deprivation, binge-eating sweets, endless coffee, isolations, half-drunk wine, the guilt of not doing enough, and the expectations I set but couldn't reach. I find myself longing to crawl into the folded sheets in my closet, and in that cold, cramped space, they would find my lifeless body—wishing someone had found me sooner.

Sincerely, Ana Thān

01.03.2025

[notes-from-anathan]

ur lips my lips

apocalypse

[notes-from-anathan]

Mother, I don't feel well.

I have been vomiting black-inked words of misery since I was 14. I thought it was evil.

Will you tell me when I’ll be better?

Will you hug me?

Scratch my head like you used to, so I can fall asleep?

Will you let me hide in the closet, drowning in the comfort of our folded clothes?

Will you please tell me without me having to ask?

Ever since I recognized the space between us, Mother, I haven’t been vulnerable with you. We haven’t been vulnerable with each other. In your eyes, I am a familiar mystery you want to pity and understand, and to me, you are a familiar wound that will never heal.

It was never a practice at home to tell each other how we feel. So I have been burying sentiments you will never know, and I will keep burying them until the day comes when you discover all the corpses I’ve hidden, without ever having to dig.

Sincerely, Ana Thān

photo not mine

[notes-from-anathan]

Sometimes, I want to cut my edges so I can be bearable.

I want my screams to become whispers; my tears into soft smiles.

Sometimes, I wish I could speak in literal words instead of puzzles and so I would not be misunderstood.

But I realize there are things one cannot change. I can't change being heavy, too heavy, I can't even carry myself.

I will always need someone to hold me, tell me that all is well when it isn't.

I want someone to lie, no, it's a need.

I need someone.

I need and need

and need.

Sincerely, Ana Thān

photo not mine

[notes-from-anathan]

This was the moment I lost you, even though you were lying right next to me.

With my arms wrapped around you, I could feel your deep breaths and the twitch of your muscles, a sign that you were having a good dream. Lately, I’ve been trying to reason with myself about all the causes that led us to this point, hoping to lift myself from the guilt and grief of this unexpected ending. I wanted to write, maybe some poetic words or metaphorical lines, to expel this gray hole from my chest. But you took all of my will to write—and my feelings—with you, leaving me as a ghost. I couldn’t retrieve them, and you can never give back all the love I cultivated through the years, now fragmented into pieces. They spell out the space I quietly stretched for you to notice. But you were sleeping soundly, and I didn’t want to wake you.

Sincerely, Ana Thān

photo not mine

[notes-from-anathan]

I can't talk to anyone right now;

I'm a pulsating menace. People are safer when they’re two rooms away from me, when they can’t hear the hurricane inside my brain. This is better. But I’m so scared that when they unlock the doors of my room and unwrap the blankets I’ve imprisoned myself with, they’ll see pools of disappointment gushing out of my skin, and I’ll be lying there quietly, drained of the life they gave me.

Sincerely, Ana Thān

[notes-from-anathan]

I want the whole world to shut the fuck up

[notes-from-anathan]

I want to crawl under my bed and live there.

[notes-from-anathan]

3:03 best thing I've heard my entire life

[notes-from-anathan]

I'm losing myself again