oddbee

[oddbee]

my perfect crime? I memorize the entirety of the macy’s store inventory. I then go on aliexpress.com and find exact replicas of every single purse in the store. I break in at 3am, and replace every purse with a cheaper version of the purse. I take my real purses home and open up an online store on the darknet featuring fake purses. I then sell these real purses as fake purses, making it so that when the feds catch on to my antics, they spend countless years trying to figure out who can replicate purses this well, and who is selling them. Soon an entire division of the FBI is dedicated to finding me and figuring out how my “fake” purses appear to be real. 45 years later they finally trace my ip address and break into my villa in texas and shoot me right in the leg when i attempt to flee. While this would normally not be a fatal wound, due to my constant devotion to my online fake real purse storefront i have suffered an iron deficiency for 35 years. My blood can’t clot and I start to bleed out. Turns out the woman who shot me was a girl who i made out with once in college, and she holds my dying body in her arms and asks me how my fake purses were so real. I spend the last moments of my fleeting life telling her about how every five years i break into a different Macy’s and replace all the purses, and that the purses I have been selling online for a severely discounted price were actually all real, and I have been doing this purely for the gag of it all. When my former college girlfriend gets home from work after rightfully murdering me for my crimes, she goes into her walk in closet, looks at the 13 gucci purses she owns, and realizes that they’re all fakes.

[oddbee]

Marge Simpson woke up tamed her hair every day for the perfect beehive..she wore that DRESS honey waste snatched tiddies out elegant every day..had those BEADS bitch shined every day for ensure perfection! Marge Simpson, every day wakes up and thinks “here’s how I’m gonna gag the girls today” and slips on her icon red flats

[oddbee]

Carly Simon writing You’re So Vain about such a specific man, yet including the line “you probably think this song is about you” so that if he took it personally he would prove her point? Unparalleled power move

[oddbee]

some of you have never had a customer service job and it shows

[oddbee]

wait a second im sexy

[oddbee]

human brain: sometimes we need to do boring things with no gratification or immediate benefit

monkey brain: absolutely not. die

[oddbee]

jake gyllenhaal sadly eating alone is a mood of mine

[oddbee]

someone bought me flowers for the first time today!!!

[oddbee]

apply for jobs you’re not qualified for! audit upper-level classes! get drunk with your TAs! see that poster advertising that lecture series? go there take notes and ask questions! thank the presenter for talking about this topic you love! if the class is full before you register, email the professor and ask if they can squeeze you in! RAISE YOUR HAND! tell the disability accomodation office to do their goddamn job! ask for help! file complaints! go to class in your pajamas and destroy the reading! you got this! you KNOW you got this! be arrogant enough to learn EVERYTHING! take your meds! punch a velociraptor in the dick! fear is useless and temporary! glory is forever! shed your skin and erupt angel wings! help out! spread your sun!

i had a really good morning! you deserve a really good morning! kill anyone who says you don’t and build a throne from their bones!

[oddbee]

do u miss john? and his touch?

bitch tf ? no

[oddbee]

i wonder what MY smell is????? when people wear my clothes or sleep in my bed…..what does it smell like?! WHAT IS MY SCENT

[oddbee]

merry xmas to those who celebrate! tell me your fav gift you got and/or gave this holiday season!!! i love to hear that kind of thing

[oddbee]

is mac demarco problematic? i don’t want to fall in love w a fuckface

[oddbee]

These boots were made for walking!

[oddbee]

and im sitting there, love for my friends on my titties,

[oddbee]

Funny way to find out which plant you might like to buy.

Source: apartmenttherapy.com