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The Thing I Wanted (Jeord SS)

https://satoruyamaguti.com/ss/178

Haven’t seen other translations around of this yet, so if there aren’t hopefully this is of interest, though I doubt I got it perfectly so take it with a grain of salt. This is short story by the author focused on Jeord’s perspective.

(A story from early childhood to around the time after Katarina’s kidnapping)

I was always bothered by the feeling of waiting for something I really wanted. However, I could no longer remember what it was.

‘Prince Jeord is really wonderful.’

‘Prince Jeord is perfect, isn’t he?’

Though I was showered with praises meant to flatter me, my heart wasn’t moved by it at all. If I simply put on a smile and said whatever the other party wanted to hear they’d be satisfied. The world was terribly boring. There was nothing particularly unpleasant but neither was there anything particularly interesting. All I knew was days all the same passing monotonously by.

During this daily life, matters began to become a little troublesome for me when my second oldest brother got engaged. More and more people began to speak of the certain engagement of Prince Jeord too. Therefore, I decided to get engaged to the daughter of the most suitable, politically neutral Claes house, Katarina Claes. With this, the trouble would be over, and I could expect to return without change to my boring everyday life.

However when I went to see Katarina Claes in person to discuss our engagement, it turned out that from that point on my life greatly changed. Getting led around by Katarina, who was like nothing I’d known before, colour entered my colourless world and I learnt of feelings within myself that had been unknown to me before then.

‘The sky is blue. It’s beautiful…’

Unbelievably, I murmured such a trifling thing while lying down on the grass and looking upwards, surprising myself. If I hadn’t met Katarina, I definitely wouldn’t have done anything like lying down on the grass. Speaking of her, she was the one who recommended I lie down on the grass, but she’d gone back indoors, saying that ‘I forgot my snack to eat outside’ and going to fetch it. 

For a short while I lay like that until I heard the sound of energetic footsteps approaching me. It seemed Katarina had come back. At first I thought I’d just greet her normally but for some reason I got the feeling of wanting to tease her, so I closed my eyes and tried to feign being asleep. How will she react?

‘Eh, Prince Jeord, you fell asleep?’

As I hoped, the returned Katarina thought I was asleep. Wondering what she’d do, I kept my eyes closed. It appeared like she sat down beside me.

Before long, I felt a kind and gentle warmth on my head. At first I didn’t understand what it was, but before too long I realised it was Katarina’s hand. Her hand was slowly stroking my head. As she did so, she said, ‘it’s okay, it’s okay.’

Not understanding what was happening, I froze up. But I thought about it for a little while and, come to think of it, I actually had accidentally dozed off in front of Katarina a little earlier and, as I recall, had a nightmare. Katarina quickly woke me up and, though I didn’t even remember what happened in the dream very well, was worried about me. So she was probably treating me like this so that I wouldn’t have another bad dream while I was sleeping.

What should I do? Somehow, it’d gotten hard to open my eyes.

No way. I didn’t see this coming. What a problem.

Ah, Katarina’s hand, it felt really nice though. There was a warm, full feeling in my chest.

Somehow, I strangely felt like I’d found the ‘something’ I’d always wanted.

I decided to pretend to sleep a little longer.

I opened my eyes to the familiar sight of the ceiling of my room in the school dormitory. Then I realised that I was lying in my bed and had been asleep.

Nevertheless, what a nostalgic dream I had. That was a scene from around the time I’d not yet met Katarina. It ended with me acting like I’d just awoken and getting up.

We were children at the time but, well, thinking about it now, it was actually very embarrassing.

I wonder why I had that kind of dream?

Perhaps because I’m feeling weak for the first time in a while. Indeed, for the first time in a very long time, my physical condition was terrible.

I had headed out since I had official business as a prince and unfortunately ended up pummelled by driving wind and rain. After that I did not readily rest and simply headed straight back to the academy; therefore, I ended up breaking out in a fever. Since I was young I had taken good care of my health and so had rarely fallen ill. For me this was honestly my first blunder in a while. I thought if I slept my condition would swiftly improve, however it seems my fever won’t budge so easily.

My head is so muddled. 

It’s still hopeless huh… let’s sleep a little longer. As my eyes closed, I caught the sound of my servant calling something outside the door. I reflexively replied though honestly with my vacant mind I didn’t process it at all. I suspect the servant was just coming in with an errand or somesuch. Any other person who was admitted to my chambers would certainly be of status but I don’t particularly care.

Feeling my eyes close for the second time, I entrusted my body to the forcefully approaching slumber.

During that slumber, I felt myself gently stirred by something warm and gentle lightly touching my head. It felt so good that the words, ‘it feels good… more…’ slipped out.

‘It’s okay, it’s okay. May you get well soon,’ I heard a kind voice say.

Lulled by the sensation of that pleasant voice, I drifted into a deep sleep. As I was memorising the sensation I realised that my chest felt warm and my heart full.

Opening my eyes for the second time, my head felt terribly refreshed.

Somehow or other, my fever seemed to have gone down. This time I ended up sleeping soundly without any dreams.

…No, I get the sense I did still experience something like a nostalgic dream, but since I was so out of it I can’t remember what.

Feeling completely refreshed, I got out of bed, whereupon I noticed on the table a bag I had no recollection of. It must be some matter that escaped my notice while I was resting. Perhaps a servant left it when I was unconscious?

Picking up the bag, I peeked inside and saw a message in familiar writing that read: ‘Rest up and get well soon.’

Having identified the writing, I immediately called for a servant and enquired about the bag. As expected, the servant told me that Katarina had come on a sick visit. Furthermore, they mentioned that there had been a brief moment when I roused and responded, had I not?

As it transpired, at that time what the servant had said was, ‘Lady Katarina has come to visit you. May she come through?’

When I, only half-awake, vaguely heard this, I allowed Katarina to come through. Additionally, though I had said it was fine, I was once more asleep by the time she came in.

It goes without saying that I was embarrassed by her seeing my sleeping face, but what occupied my mind most as I listened to this story was the dream from before and the event I’d been dwelling on; that feeling of being gently caressed.

If that was reality, then that means it had been Katarina’s hand on my head, stroking my head like when we were children.

‘It’s okay, it’s okay. I hope you get better soon.’

If I recall correctly, the voice then too was the familiar sound of her voice.

Basically, during the time that I was half-asleep, I had my head stroked by Katarina and was spoken to in such a way… Even though I’d found it embarrassing even when we were children, at this age such things were… Moreover, I was put so at ease by it that I fell into a deep sleep. Just like a small child.

I realised my face had gotten hot.

If it was noticed by the servant, he probably thought my fever had come back or something.

‘I am fine now, so please leave me,’ I told the servant and they thus left the room.

Now the sole occupant, if I had turned my gaze to the mirror I would have seen the reflection of a pathetic man with a bright red face.

Ah, moreover, I have the feeling that I, ugh, let slip something like ‘it feels good, more.’

I completely remember.

Overwhelmed by shame I buried my face in my hands.

Ahh, next time I see Katarina, what kind of face do I make?

I spent a while alone in my room agonising over the embarrassment.

However, despite ruminating so much, if Katarina saw me looking well again and said, ‘Prince Jeord, you got better, huh? I’m glad’ with a smile, all those thoughts would cease to matter. With that I would simply be filled with happiness and my love for her and embrace her with all my heart.