medical student. child prodigy experiment. commie scvm. (musician. ex-prisoner. persona non grata.)
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I experienced a lot of childhood to late adolescent trauma. Now that I'm older and I have better perspective on the things that happened to me and the things I did in response to them, I'm frustrated because I spent years trying to erase the memories of what it was like when "that" or "that" happened, how I felt, and what I was thinking at the time. I was addicted to xanax by the time I was 16, and was an IV opiate/cocaine & crack addict from the ages of 17-22 [off/on into my late twenties]. I did everything I could to erase my trauma. I didn't care if I erased the other parts of my life or not--nothing could outweigh the pain I was in.
Now that it's all over and I'm grown and I'm not on dope anymore, I'm trying to remember what was going through my head that I felt was so unbearable at the time that it needed to be erased from my entire memory of my own existence, and wondering how I would handle it now, since I would be able to understand what was actually happening to me so I could start piecing together the years of gaps in my life I have because, on a lot of different occasions, I thought to myself, "giving myself brain damage is preferable to ever having to think about this shit again." Maybe I was right, but now I can't remember most anything at all.
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07-13 /
I combined the found blurry portrait photo and a landscape painting from 19th century (which i turned to bw) here .
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