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ot8spreadsheetstay · 6 hours ago

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sorry i really did intend for this account to just be about skz but, well... saja boys are almost skz

anyway, kpop demon hunters spoilers because i cannot stop watching / listening to it (because of course i cant, it was made for me specifically after all, a kpop bg who are also literally demons? the only way to be more My Type would be... uh... hm... [one day of contemplation later] GOT IT! if one of them had white hair and red eyes. or a buzzcut)

much like 'soda pop' kpdh is infectious

content warnings: LONG POST, exvangelical fan of religious corruption trope, z (me) being incredibly queer and horny for demons (as always), extended mental health metaphor, acting like im getting graded in a language arts class and the assignment is to analyze a diegetic kpop song from a netflix movie, also doing a french class as well (i have been out of high school for well over a decade but you just cant take the teachers pet out of the gifted student, i guess)

to start with. 'your idol' is an absolute GIFT

the way it takes 'kpop idol' back to the religious meaning of 'idol', but in a corrupted way? exactly the way the saja boys themselves (at least jinu, rip to the others who never even got proper names, much less backstories) were corrupted by gwima? (btw headcanon that jinus memories are much worse than what actually happened, because memories are influenced by emotions and gwima has had 4 centuries to force him to feel only guilt, shame, pain, and suffering about it)

how it frames fannish devotion as parallel to religious zealotry, juxtaposing the comfort a fan feels from their parasocial relationship with their idol, with the comfort a religious adherent feels from their faith and their deity(/ies)??

the twist on the dies irae??? im obsessed

plus the way the melody goes down in pitch whenever the word 'idol' is sung, using word painting to bring to mind the imagery of it being something demonic, fallen, infernal, as opposed to the heavenly, uplifted, exalted??

and speaking of word painting, 'can i get the mic a little higher' having 'higher' go up in pitch, i love word painting so much, its absolutely perfect every time a song does it (or inverts it, as the case may be)

the line 'more than power, more than gold' like 1) what a perfect way of saying to huntrix 'you will not be successful in achieving the golden honmoon, no matter how powerful you are, we are going to win' but also 2) reminded me so much of felixs line in 'stray kids' (the song) of 'money or fame/honor/power, which do you want more' and honestly, the depth of the extended metaphor between religion and fandom makes this song feel very much skz-coded to me because ive lost count of how many times ive lost my cool in a stay group chat over how many levels of metaphor are layered in a single skz song (hello 'parade')

'dont let it show, keep it all inside, the pain and the shame, keep it out of sight' (whyyyyy did they have to cut that line from the movie) being literally what huntrix were always told, in a 'never let anyone know that you have struggles or doubts' way, but also thats exactly what gives gwima his power over the demons, they have to (are forced to) keep hold of their pain and shame, they have to keep it inside of them, because without it, he would have nothing to use against them, nothing to keep them under his control (like how he has no control over rumi until her shame is strong enough to cover her head to toe), but in order to succeed with their mission, the saja boys have to keep it hidden from view, they have to appear perfectly harmless, perfectly human, until enough of their audience are already entranced enough to believe its all just special effects (if they are thinking about ANYTHING other than their shame). they have to carry their pain and shame (instead of working through it and releasing it) because gwima demands it of them and reinforces it in them, so they have to 'keep it all inside' them even if it causes them so much misery that they would rather forget their families entirely rather than remember how terribly they failed them

'anytime it hurts, play another verse, i can be your sanctuary' with sanctuary meaning both a literal house of worship but also a figurative source of comfort and security? or a verse being a part of a song and also part of a scripture?? 'if your emotions are unbearable, listen to another one of our songs and we will give you comfort' but also 'every time you feel punished, return to our scriptures and find in us a holy place' like when i tell you this movie was made SPECIFICALLY FOR ME because hoooo boy, the exvangelical religious trauma to corruption kink pipeline goes HARD

plus its just so damn CLEVER. like 'down on your knees' as in religious devotion and supplication, but also as in how a victim is subjugated by an oppressor, but ALSO as in how a lover might... ahem... uhhh... propose marriage! yes, that. like,,,, yeah id absolutely get on my knees for jinu ngllllll

secondly, the way guima could be read as the embodiment of mental health struggles? literally the voice in your head that you cant ignore or get rid of, that constantly lies to you that you are absolutely irredeemable, that no one will ever love you, that the people you love should hate you (and would if they knew the truth)... and the way its not just the demons that he can whisper to like that? because anyone can be depressed, even if you have absolutely everything, money, fame, a calling you are good at, sick glowing weapons, friends who love you... anyone can still have that voice in their head that says they arent enough, or they are too much, or they dont deserve nice things, or that they failed at what they love doing, or whatever

thirdly, celine. ohhhhhhh boise idaho, that woman. bigots that pretend to be (and call themselves) 'accepting' because they arent actively trying to kill the thing they hate. very easy to read it as a queer metaphor, at least for me, who grew up in a 'love the sinner, hate the sin' religion (where the 'sin' in question was queer attraction). but could also just be more of the mental health metaphor. 'just to ahead and hide this part of you (that you inherited from your dad) and do everything you can to get rid of it (and hope that 'getting rid of it' doesnt kill you or leave you a hollowed out husk of a person) and keep pretending that everything is fine!' like how many people have gone through 'treatments' that left them far worse off than they were before, because some well-meaning but ultimately unaccepting authority figure in their life made them feel like that was the only way to earn their acceptance. either way, whatever marginalization you want to read rumis patterns as, celine was a perfect example of that 'of course i support you! [has never supported you for a moment, only tried to mold you into the shape they wanted from you, only supported their idea of you, doesnt even see the real you, much less support it]' authority figure

and choosing to call the demon stripes 'patterns' feels like it was intentionally going for the mental health aspect. because like,,,, when you have untreated mental health issues, sometimes that leads to you doing the same bad things over and over. a pattern of hiding your struggles because you believe your loved ones will stop supporting you if they know youre not actually as perfect as youve been pretending to be. a pattern of selfishness and manipulation because youre so caught up in your suffering that you cant imagine anything beyond figuring out how to get what you need. a pattern of blaming yourself for the pain someone else went through because you couldnt protect them. a pattern of demanding perfection from yourself because you should be able to be stronger, tougher, flawless because people expect it from you and count on you. 'when your patterns start to show it makes the hatred wanna grow outta my veins' vs 'when your patterns start to show i see a pain that lies below' showing the difference between rejecting and hating someone for their mental health struggles that cause them to hurt people around them, versus accepting that they are hurting people because they themselves are hurting. and no one hating her patterns more than rumi herself

and jinu telling rumi that hatred cannot defeat shame just... i want to kiss whoever came up with that scene, right on the knuckles that they punched me in the gut with. because you cannot hate your shame hard enough to suddenly become proud of yourself instead. but imagining 400 years of him buried under the shame and suffering gwima inflicted on him, and the hatred he had for the source of that shame... which, in a way, is a kind of self-hatred...

and rumis hope that one final grand success will finally be the thing that removes her patterns. that succeeding will make it so she no longer has to hide her flaws and pretend to be perfect, that success will make it so shes no longer mentally ill, i mean part demon. her lifelong hope that a big enough victory, thanks to her being perfect, will fix her, so she HAS to be perfect, she MUST be perfect, no one can ever know that she struggles... that hope acting as a shield for so long that gwima cant reach her despite her demonic ancestry... until he goes through her chosen family

and gdddddd the way takedown was created as a diss track against all demons, particularly the saja boys, but ended up, like any ad hominem attack against a large group, hitting an unintended target. because rumi was also a demon. and if you insult, for example, a certain neurotype or whatever, saying they dont deserve to live because they dont feel like regular people do, then when you discover that label applies to you as well... gwima basically took huntrixs ableism and told rumi 'you know they wont accept you because they clearly said, to your face, that they hate people like you. you cant tell them the truth. you have to be ashamed of this thing that you cant change about yourself. you have to hide yourself away'. and again, could be queer metaphor. but i think it fits much easier as mental illness metaphor (especially because she inherited it from her dad, whom she seemingly never knew)

which is another reason why i love 'your idol' so much. like its totally written from the perspective of the Mental Illness Voices In Your Head, as a toxic love song (plus the aforementioned religious interpretation of parasocialism in kpop) like. 'you are inherently broken, but im here to protect you from all the terrible things they could think of you, just trust me, do what i tell you to do' like anxiety, compulsions, negative self talk, 'your obsession (with how you appear to the world) feeds our connection (the connection between the illness and the sufferer)' because if you believe what the shame tells you and you act differently because of it and then nothing bad happens, its easy to connect that lack of bad with the fact that you obeyed the shame, so youre more tempted to obey it again next time. 'preaching to the choir' is telling you something you already know, because the choir is there every single week, they know every sermon just as well as the preacher does, but still 'can i get the mic a little higher' as not just a request to the sound team for a live performance so they can show off the fact that they arent lip syncing, but a challenge, a dare, 'lets see just how loud i (your mental illness) can be in your mind'

actually, just to prove that this song is a toxic love song from the perspective of gwima mental illness induced shame, fear, regret, and pain, let me go line by line and turn this into a true language arts essay. apologies for my attempts at translating the korean parts, im going from the romanization in the english captions of the movie, because i dont trust lyrics genius and color coded lyrics videos on youtube, but if anything is incorrect, i welcome any corrections. same if anyone has a better translation of the latin parts

'(pray for me now) [the day of wrath will burn you to ashes, cursed you will be in eternal flames] ill be your idol' the choir repeating the supplication (and then continuing here and there throughout the song) but buried underneath the warning / threat / promise of the more sinister version of the day of judgement hymn, and then the promises and temptations of shame (the main body of the song). incredibly compelling, given jinu wanting to be saved (pray for me) but still being the tool of gwima through this performance

'keeping you in check, keeping you obsessed, play it on repeat [endlessly] in your head' the shame spiral that keeps you locked in a deadly embrace with it, keeping you suffering, keeping you focused on yourself, imagining how others see you, repeating your worst traits and attributes

'anytime it hurts, play another verse, i can be your sanctuary' the more shame you feel, the more it pains you, the more ashamed you feel, in a vicious cycle, but at least if you are the loudest critic of yourself, then you can handle whatever anyone else tells you because no one is as harsh as your own shame is, so repeating your inner shame scriptures gives you a sense of control

'know im the only one right now, i will love you more when it all burns down' when things go wrong, your shame grows stronger, embraces you, strokes your hair and reassures you that you knew this was going to happen, this is all youre good for, this is all you deserve, this isnt a disaster, this was inevitable, even if everything else abandons you, at least your shame will always be there beside you

'more than power, more than gold, you gave me your heart now im here for your soul' there is no more powerful motivator than shame (says shame), so why not give your everything to obeying it? live in shame and submission and anytime anything goes wrong, you will be prepared because you will be expecting it

'(you know) im the only one wholl love your sins, feel the way my voice gets underneath your skin' could have been written by gwima (which is a hilarious mental image ngl 'you may have succeeded with that catchy soda pop song, but i need a villain anthem when i make my redebut into the human world... also while im at it, make me a logo and merch shirts as well' like why were there people with gwima shirts at the performance of 'your idol'? also didnt that show start at midnight? how did it end with the sun fully up? were saja boys performing for that long before rumi showed up? can the hunters just induce false daylight? is that why they were called the sunlight sisters? anyway) shame doesnt hate you for your selfishness, your cowardice, your violent outbursts, your untruthfulness. shame loves all the bad things about you. shame fills you up, getting under your skin like a million splinters, because it loves you

'listen cause im preaching to the choir, can i get the mic a little higher, give me your desire, i can be the star you rely on' the shame is not telling you anything you dont already know, but it still wants to be the only thing you listen to. it wants you to believe it, trust it, rely on it like a guiding star (also, lucifer morningstar vibes, im just saying)

'[drunk on my cheering], you cant look away, dont you know im here to save you? now we running wild, yeah im all you need, ima be your idol' framing shame as an addiction, something encouraging, enthralling, overwhelming and overpowering and all-consuming, but also something that convinces you that its good for you, it protects you, it saves you. focus on your shame, worship it, let it control you, dedicate your life to your shame

'[shining / glowing / luminous] fame, [keep on shouting], im your idol, thank you for the pain cause it got me going viral, [never-healing] fever, making you a believer, [for your sake i exist as an idol]' (again please correct any incorrect translations, that line twisted my brain up so bad) seems to be still more along the line of 'focus on me (your shame), give all your energy and attention to me, because the more you fight it, the more shame you feel, the more you are trapped in a subservient relationship to your shame'. because you cant get rid of shame by punishing yourself, so beating yourself up just makes more people know about how much shame you feel, embarrassing you, convincing you that what your shame tells you is real, is real, and its elevated to idol status because you give it that attention and power

'dont let it show, keep it all inside, the pain and the shame, keep it outta sight, your obsession feeds our connection, [this moment] give me all your attention' be ashamed of your shame, let the pain of it fester inside you, because every moment you spend ashamed of yourself makes it easier for shame to follow you, sink its claws into you, make you feel ashamed over smaller and smaller flaws and faults

'living in your mind now, too late cause youre mine now, i will make you free when youre all a part of me' literally gwima wrote these lyrics, hes literally right behind them when they sing this part, totally believable that hes mentally feeding them the words. anyway. the shame that lives in your head and whispers (or shouts) all your worst fears and regrets into your mind, and its so hard to escape it and so easy to give up and let it have its way. dont have hope, dont have confidence in yourself, dont try to be better, just let shame own you, become a servant to shame, forget your human aspirations and give yourself to the demon king of shame and self-hatred and suffering

'listen cause im preaching to the choir, now can i get the mic a little higher, gimme your desire, once we set your world on fire' the mask comes off. shame is not a guiding star, but an immolating flame. it does not want to lead you to success, but to annihilation. the promises of the demon king are stripped away, revealing the costs

'[drunk on my cheering] you cant look away, no one is coming to save you, now we running wild, youre down on your knees, ima be your idol' no one can save you from shame. you can only replace it with something else (like hope, or trust, or love). because no matter how often someone says 'theres nothing to be ashamed of', shame will whisper 'theyre just saying that. theyre lying to you. they dont know how truly despicable you are. if they knew, they would agree that you should be ashamed of yourself'. and under the weight of that enormous task, you fall to your knees. youre the only one who can save you, and its an impossible task if you worship your shame the way it wants you to

and the french version oh my goodness. using savior instead of idol? plus all the callbacks to 'free'??

free: si on laissait derrière notre chagrin, on serait libre [if we left behind our grief / sorrow, we would be free]

your idol: laisse-moi te libérer de ton chagrin [let me free you from your grief / sorrow]

free: tu as réveillé celui que j'étais et qui se cacher depuis longtemps [you have awakened whom i used to be and who was hiding for so long]

your idol: avec moi, tu n’as rien à cacher [with me, you have nothing to hide]

free: je veux y croire mais j'ai si peur si c'était une erreur [i want to believe it but i have so much fear if was an error / a mistake]

your idol: écoute-moi parler avec ardeur, que ma voix t’emmène loin de tes peurs [hear me speak with ardor / passion, may my voice lead you far from your fears]

plus all the callbacks to 'soda pop' like

soda pop: t'es ma lumière dans le noir [youre my light in the darkness]

your idol: ma lumière est si forte qu’elle t’éblouit [my light is so strong that it dazzles you]

soda pop: tes paroles, je les boit [the things you say, i drink them]

your idol: prends le pouvoir, bois mes mots [take the power, drink my words]

soda pop: je n'abandonnerais jamais [i will never give up]

your idol: il est temps de t’abandonner [it is time to give yourself up]

soda pop: bébé, tu me donnes chaud, avec toi tout est beau [baby you make me hot, with you everything is beautiful]

your idol: suis-moi, j’ai chaud quand je te vois [follow me, i get hot when i see you

bonus - free: alors suis moi, je te vois, tout est possible, j'y crois [so follow me, i see you, everything is possible, i believe it]

anyway, in summary, i love that the kpop movie leaned into the 'kpop actually talks a LOT about mental health issues' thing, and i think it did so in a really accessible and widely-relatable way. also jinu is the new definition of 'poor little meow meow' blorbo, yes? are we still using that term? because the atrocities are definitely there

its just an incredible song. its an incredible MOVIE. i mean it got me to come back to tumblr after who knows how many years (my old blogs know, but that aint none of my business) just because i had more to say about it than any gc could possibly handle. like the fact that jinu is wearing the bracelet rumi gave him during that entire 'your idol' performance (because the tiger specifically brought it to him but also because he chose to put it on?? he chose to remind himself of her hope in the possibility of redemption for him, after trying so hard to convince her that he was only getting close to her to bring her secrets and weaknesses and shame back to gwima so they could defeat her?? he still held onto her hope in the goodness he had decided to try his best to forget?? even knowing she finally knew all the worst things about him, he still wanted to believe her hope was strong enough to mean something???? im gonna be sick about it for the rest of my life???)

if not for the tiger and magpie, jinu would never have connected with rumi, jinu would not have held on to rumis faith in his inner goodness, and rumi would not have been able to accept herself and gain the strength (that jinu gave her, because he believed he could still be redeemed, because SHE believed he could be redeemed) to defeat gwima. most important characters in the whole movie, argue with the wall, i am a ty and maggie supporter first and a person second. kkachi & pabohorangi supremacy

#saja boys #kpop demon hunters #jinu saja boys #rumi kpdh #jinu kpdh #gwima kpdh #celine kpdh #huntrix kpdh #saja boys kpdh #rumi huntrix #celine sunshine sisters #miyoung sunshine sisters #tiger and magpie kpdh #ty and maggie #im gonna keep using ty and maggie until the fandom adopts it #i will know ive succeeded when i see it on pinterest

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