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"I don't know a lot about a lot but that's a lot."

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This is the check…and these are…THE RULES.

A donor had a preprinted list of what we were and weren’t allowed to send her.

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"Fuck around and find out" is meant to be a threat but I think it's actually my life motto.

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When people start pricing socks, that's when you do NOT want me involved.

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Speaking of throwing balloons at our children, what's going on in HR?

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"You are entirely too casual about $800,000."

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Don't take this the wrong way, but do your parents own any bridges?

-- asked of someone who is in fact named after a river

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If you stuck a knife in me and twisted it a few times, her name would be on the hilt.

Adversarial Relations in Philanthropy

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"I feel like Thomas Edison with Jerry Lewis as my lab assistant."

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"Sleep deprivation looks good on you!"

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DoDs are Magic

A: We have an extra day this year to work on budget, because it's a leap year.

B: Yeah, I pulled some strings. 

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We had a clog earlier this week

"[Director of HR] is walking around to every cubicle forcefully reminding people not to put paper towels in the toilet." [long pause] "It's her number one priority."

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She's had half of a muffin, she's not quite sure how she feels.

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Sugar Me

A: How's your car running?

B: Better now that I've spent a thousand dollars on it.

C: I run better when someone spends a thousand dollars on me, too. 

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Counterintuitive

I ask this without judgement, with only love in my heart...why is your work calendar kept in an Excel spreadsheet? 

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I have ingested too much failure already.

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Believe In Your Cause

A: I don't need to provide a profile on you for this event, do I? You're staff.

B: No, trust me, I am giving to capacity.