p0wdered-hand

[p0wdered-hand]

i’m fresh off the airport, after concluding our series of out of town shows in my hometown last weekend. while i’d definitely like to talk about that whole thing, i’m still reeling from how emotional this weekend was for me especially after having been back in my hometown after a long time of being away and barely maintaining any contact with any of my friends or people from there. 

i left davao in 2013, off to college and greener pastures. and while i did behind friendships and a few other niceties that come with it, i also left behind a huge load of angst, frustrations, anxieties, and spite towards the city, and the whole culture and state of mind a majority of people seem to be in.

i left all that baggage behind there, only for me to revisit them all when we used to come back to davao during breaks and vacations. the idea of coming back to my hometown didn’t really sit well with me. while the trip down memory lane and having conversations with old friends only reminiscent of nostalgia did give me a sense of comfort being back in davao, i was generally uncomfortable actually being in my hometown. i’d avoid seeing everyone i used to see, only making time to people that mattered to me.  back then, i couldn’t wait to go back to quezon city every time i ended up in davao. and back then, there were times at 4 am when i’d end up thinking about davao and just go on a rant about why i hated it there. 

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so the band i’m in released an album, and with that we thought of setting up shows out of town as a way of getting to know the music scenes and communities outside of the metro and befriending them as much as promoting the album itself. we didn’t really intend on setting up a show in davao, but when initial plans didn’t push through, i thought of playing a show in davao instead (considering that we had spare money to use). i did have a few friends who were part of whatever was happening in davao anyway, and some of them wanted to see us play. so i thought to just might as well play for them. and we did. and it became very personal on my end.

it was heartwarming to see old friends coming to the show and doing a bit of catching up with them, despite me still being a bit uncomfortable with the whole idea of me being in davao. 

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after the show and the rest of the weekend was basically me and some of my bandmates hanging out with some of the most forward-thinking and passionate people. i never would have imagined being drunk in my hometown at 4 in the morning, off to some random place to get something to eat. i never would have imagined having drinks with people at a certain place (which i’m not sure if i’m at liberty to talk about) and actually enjoying their company, our conversation, and the place we were at. i never would have imagined that sort of crowd in davao. davao isn’t devoid of youth culture and expression, but rather, had a crowd of creatives, artists, musicians, and like-minded people, off asserting their place in davao. and i’m optimistic they will, eventually. and maybe then, it’ll start to be an actual city, teeming with a vibrant youth culture and with spaces of creative and artistic expression. 

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going back to davao isn’t a repulsive idea anymore. i would if i had the chance to, catch up with the folks i’ve been with and try to dig deeper. because at this point, i’m positive its underbelly is rich with what i enjoy here in the metro. 

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with that being said, i still don’t think i can permanently return and live there. i first left leaving behind so much angst that i had so much space in myself to make quezon city my home. and quezon city and the metro is home. but davao, i think i can run away to once in a while. 

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[p0wdered-hand]

holy week break just ended and i’m still too lazy to get up on my ass and do shit so i’ve decided to kill precious, precious time (a.k.a just go the fuck to sleep and wake up early so you can at least work in the morning)

 i don’t know where or how i found time writing about whatever’s going on but i’ve been meaning to considering the amount of stuff i’ve been getting myself into lately and at times things get a bit too overwhelming. 

i guess i should start out by saying that school is okay, despite the fact that it really isn’t. my grades are fine and all, i think, or i’d like to think. but i’ve been getting myself into stuff outside of school that it time has never been more precious, and i’m squeezing everything into 24 hours everyday. if only you could see my whiteboard. or my calendar. it doesn’t help that i intend to have my second recital this semester, which means that whenever there’s daylight, there are rehearsals which i have to have. squeeze in a few classes here and there, and my day in school is packed with so many appointments and commitments, i don’t stop until around five or six in the evening. everyday. 

and when i get home, i usually allow a bit of time for myself to rest and catch my breath. then there’s that bloody process of scoring whatever project i have on my plate. lately i’ve been doing this travel series for cnn philippines, and considering the schedule i have during the day, there’s not really much time for me to finish some fifteen to twenty minutes of varied music from different music cultures. what i can do in two or three entire days without school i usually end up doing for an entire week, with evenly-spaced breaks to keep myself from losing my head. i do lose a bit of sleep though. it’s worse when i’m at crunch time. i have homework from time to time. and the occasional side-project that i have to do along with the travel show. sometimes all three come together at once and that’s when i just my mind. all good though, part of the job i guess. and i tell myself that i’m young, and i can still afford to lose sleep and sanity for whatever the fuck i want to do. i do hope i still get more projects after i graduate, i’m gonna be counting on it. 

other than those two main things that’s keeping me really preoccupied, i got myself involved with the local hardcore punk scene by way of organizing shows with the Sleeping Boy Collective. a bunch of admirable people working hard to deliver great shows, following the whole DIY and collective action shbang. i recently wrote a paper on Hardcore Punk for one of my classes, and everything just made sense to me. i mean, beyond all that hardcore punk subculture as a study, exoticized in the academe, but really i had time to reflect on who i really am at this point in life, at least. 

i’ve been working hard for everything, rarely depending on others for support other than moral support. ever since i moved out here in the city, i’ve been constantly building networks and connections as organic as possible through friendship and the occasional (much more occasional at this point) inebriation. then i like to think i have a bit of rapport. that helps too. and i guess it stems in that whole diy ethos that i find so familiar in the hardcore punk scene, and maybe why i felt at home operating the same way the folks from the Sleeping Boy Collective do. i mean i’ve had my fair share of that before working with Seismos and the UP Underground Music Community, but i realized working with Sleeping Boy meant i going all out. these folks are intensely passionate and barely count the cost. all in the name of making things happen. the right way. and i just love how sincere and organic the whole set-up is not just internally but also with how they set-up shows. every show feels like home, with a really strong sense of community despite not really personally knowing everyone attending the shows. 

this whole diy thing beyond hardcore punk goes into Sound Architects as well. from producing our debut album to organizing shows for promotion. and i’m not just talking about a local bar tour. i’ve been utilizing friends from out of town and their contacts to help us book shows wherever they’re from, and so far it’s been pretty successful. while i can’t really divulge in all the details yet, the diy ethos has definitely played a big role in planning and making this happen. and we’re really fucking excited for this. this’ll also serve as our summer vacation anyway, so why the hell not. 

it’s also really heartwarming knowing that the whole album production has built new relationships for us: particularly our producer (also, to be honest, one of my local music heroes - sorry danny kung binabasa mo to hahahahaha), and the guy who runs the studio (the same person who’s mixing the album). i’d occasionally bump into one of these guys in gigs, especially earthmover gigs and say hi, but nothing really much afterwards. now, tracking sessions also involve breaks where we’d just chat up about everything under the sunn O))), from music to the scene to whatever random shit we can laugh about. these sort of things are the best part for me too, being able to connect with people because of the whole process of making music. 

aside from all the shit i got myself into, i guess it’s safe to say that i’m okay despite all the stress and the work and school-related anxieties. i’m still into this relationship with my girlfriend and i have no feelings of withdrawal whatsoever, and would very much like to continue. i have an amazing group of friends. they’re pretty fucking crazy too. i’ve always had these moments of thought where i’d just think about my whole coming-of-age, and reflect on meaningless shit like youth culture, and so on. i don’t know if i’m at the place to say it but the friends and the people i have around me, no matter how crazy and immature we tend to get (especially when we’re just drunk out of our minds), have contributed to my maturity. i mean fuck’s sake, compare me now and me in high school. i wouldn’t want to get into detail about that here, that’s another pretty long story, but man, i’m really really really different now. and i’m less of a douchebag. less of a pretentious one at that. 

that’s all for now, i guess. life updates are pretty unnecessary, really. i don’t think anyone really gives a shit but yourself. but it’s nice to write about everything once in a while. helps keep things in perspective too. 

i might be back writing here in a few months. i’ve been meaning to do something like a tour diary, and i have the perfect opportunity. 

[p0wdered-hand]

what’s going to happen

it’s 3 am and i’ve just finished work, and i’m thinking about our album and the subsequent touring we intend to do in what is more or less a small local touring circuit. i’ve just spoken to a friend way up north, who’s also sorting out the venues up there as we’ll be playing with his band. i’m also looking into dates way down south, my hometown included. just a matter of figuring out how to get us there, really. it costs a bit of money. we’ll get it, somehow.

it’s pretty exciting even just thinking about it, despite the fact that we probably won’t sell out at all since we’re basically nobody, just off to make a name for ourselves. but we really have to get out of the gig scene here in the metro. it’s nice and all, the number of bands and venues and the amount of people going to shows, especially bigger ones. but how many times can you really play in this city for the same crowd? 

i’ve always thought that having scenes and communities from different cities connect with each other will create this touring scene with many bands from different cities moving from place to place, just like in the states or in europe. and i’ve always thought things would be a bit healthier that way. 

well, i hope things go for the best. we need to start somewhere, anyway. 

[p0wdered-hand]

take back??? 

as of now i’ve just gone home from playing UP Fair Tuesday with Sound Architects. tonight was exceptionally heavy. couldn’t tell if the crowd were really into it or not. there were a few distinct applauds here and there (although that may have been my fault as i have this habit of engaging feedback in between songs. i hate sober banter.) it’s been a long day - i spent the entire afternoon in UST attending a symposium on Microtonality and the Microtonal Guitar, and an exploration into this relatively new (?) compositional technique the composer called Instrumental Interchange. (the composer in question is Spanish composer-guitarist Agustin Castilla-Avila). 

today i had a few thoughts stuck in my head, and seeing as i’m full of words right now i’d like to try and make sense of these thoughts. 

is 2017 going to be louder?

perhaps, and i’m looking forward to contributing to it: a lot of my friends and people i know in more alternative/gritty scenes have released or are about to release new material, especially from the Continent Records roster. . that Cadenblazer EP was ear-splitting. i can’t wait for the upcoming Neverdie record either. and knowing the prolificacy of the boys behind Beast Jesus, they’re probably cooking something up behind the scenes too. oh, and there’s a new band out there - check out Irrevocable. there are also going to be a lot of upcoming shows of foreign bands organized by my favorite collective - the details of which i am not in liberty to divulge. they did start the year with one of the best shows i’ve been to though, and they’ve just started. there’s a Hexis show this February 23 though, that’s worth checking out. we’re also releasing a record soon, and we’re making sure it’s going to come out heavy and loud. we’re also gearing up to play more shows out of town, and i’m pretty sure the guys organizing the shows are gearing up to get more bands from outside the metro to play. talk about networks. 

okay, i can’t really call myself a representative of this whole community, but for someone who’s only ever along the lines of something, it looks like a lot is going to happen at this side of the whole gig circuit - releases, shows, warts ‘an all. 

other thoughts on this matter:

- legarda and monochrome are back, sort of. and i’m hoping releases from them; only a few instrumental (okay, post-rock) bands around here really do that whole ambient/heavy/noise thing. it’s not much of a thing compared to the happier/lighter sensibilities of math rock. and i’d like to see it being a thing. it doesn’t have to be in metro manila either. 

- in relation to that first thought, earthmover are doing their record, and from what i’ve heard (they played a few new new new tracks a few months back during the last time i saw them play), it’s going to be heavy. and i’m hoping it to be much more brooding. 

- time to get out of this city. metro manila has a nice scene and all, but it can’t stay here. in other words, it’s time to join the touring circuit. it doesn’t matter how small this country is compared to other countries with a rich touring scene.

we’ll see, i guess? 

taking up composition’s worth a shot. 

and i want to take up Music Technology. there’s a plan for that, anyway. but i want to take up composition as well. even without today’s symposium, it’s always been a thought that’d occur especially when there was nothing better to do every time i’d pick up my classical guitar. 

i mean, besides the deep interest towards the whole environment of 20th and 21st century classical music, as well as today’s idiom, aesthetics, and attitudes, there’s so much more to explore sonically, conceptually, and perhaps theoretically (i have a lot of thoughts on this and i have so many directions that i’d like to see myself pursue, and as much as i’d like to indulge myself and explain every aspect i’d like to explore, i’d rather only do so when i have actual works out. if ever i do. i’m pretty sure i’m not the only one holding these thoughts, but at the same time i’d like to think that i am). 

i’d like to be in an environment (academic one, specifically/preferably/ideally) when i do explore and actually compose. 

which lead me to my last thought before preparing for tonight: 

there’s a rich experimental music scene here in metro manila, but why am i so discontented? 

initially i collected my thoughts and started writing, which eventually turned into a rant. i think i’d prefer talking about this in real life, over a beer maybe. if anyone’s interested, really. 

EDIT: at first i put unimpressed. i’ve changed this. you don’t have to impress me. you don’t have to impress anyone. 

[p0wdered-hand]

the year of...realizing things?

i started writing this long rambling about the past year last month as a sort of letter recalling everything significant that affected me and helped me shape how i see things. i’m not quite sure if it’s because i barely write these days as i’m always occupied by music and making music for numerous projects, or because i’m overwhelmed by the feelings i have towards everything that has happened in the past year and thus far.

the point of it all was to say that kylie jenner was right. 2016 was the year of realizing things. and i first wanted to write about all these realizations but i can’t. so instead, here’s a list of everything that i’ve realized:

- a lot of people are terrible, apparently. taking into account every issue - political and social - that divided people. and i couldn’t believe that a lot of people, even some, at a certain point close to me or acquainted with held views that aligned with xenophobia, racism, and intolerance, held opinions that contained misinformation, ignorance, and hypocrisy, and having this whole backwards view on a lot of things regarding issues surrounding politics and society. views that belong in the past and shouldn’t have room for in the 21st century.

- i’m at this point my life where the future is incredibly important, and i’m glad to have been involved in projects that earn myself a reputation and establish myself in the career path i choose. there was a lot on my plate this year, but i wouldn’t have it any other way. i’m lucky enough to start this young and i’ll never turn away the opportunity. i look forward to working on more projects this 2017 with some of the finest artists, visionaries, and creatives i know and am looking forward to meet.

- in addition to the future, i realized last year that our family is taking a big step forward and that each other’s support is as important as it is necessary. we aren’t the most openly and blatantly affectionate but we all understand that we all have each other’s backs no matter what. and it feels tremendously heartening that i know my these people will surely be constants in my life as i will be to them, no matter where we are in the world.

- i thought my coming-of-age ended long ago when i first met my friends, yet we still continue to have these experiences that feel so new to me and that i know i can only enjoy in my youth. at the same time we’ve been through quite a number of difficult times that put strains and scars on us. and from these amazing and terrible experiences i’ve learned so many valuable lessons in life that i will keep with me.

- in line with the previous realization, i really fucking love my friends. we’re not always all happy and reveling in our youthful vigor, but i’ve realized that despite the shit that we throw (to one another especially), i’ll be there for them.

- you know who truly are important to you when you stick around with these people no matter what shit gets thrown at you and between you. and you know you truly love them because you’re all covered in shit and you’re not complaining and wanting out (s/o to ches).

- i’ve completely stopped buying this whole negative view towards self-indulgence (all the alcohol, and wasting away ourselves at parties and gigs). i’ve put myself in those hedonistic situations, knowing that society will regard me as a delinquent. yet i still find success in both academics (i’m still running for honors when i graduate) and in my music. i’m young and i can still enjoy these things, so i will.

- i’ve totally grown out of my hometown, but i still think of my friends out there. and i want to play there with my bandmates.

- take back 2016 this year from all the shit that happened.

i won’t be writing much, and i don’t write much anymore. the next time i will write here will most probably be at the end of 2017 and see where all this optimism leads to. good bye.

[p0wdered-hand]

just a thought

everyone else seems to be moving forward with their lives - the laudations, the accolades. yet here i am, with the bunch of merry men looking to do something great, stuck. i knew it would be hard, but it’s a bit harder seeing everyone else progress and feel left behind. i would’ve had it by now, but i knew it that version isn’t a place i would want to be in. is it the appeal? is it the situation?

 i’ve come to accept certain truth, and i understand that nothing can happen at all. but i’m still trying. why do i keep on trying? 

[p0wdered-hand]

weekend-

here i am, in between lying and sitting on the couch, blasting bits and pieces of Loveless and Souvlaki, Another Language, Home & Minor, Rave Tapes, the list goes on. at this point i’m deep in this whole surreal aural experience, absorbing every texture and melody, picturing the soundscape, whatever. i’ve lost all care by now.

it’s quite like how we all spaced out and went with it when Monochrome got up and played last Friday. drunk off our tits, ethereal droning music, and we were all in this unreal state. 

at a certain point last weekend, i was sitting down and thought to myself how much of a mess, a seemingly irreversible clusterfuck this city is. but then i’d look around, closer. then i thought to myself, i still really love it here. 

((and then we played a really terrible set afterwards))

[p0wdered-hand]

thank yous

i originally had this really long post about everything i could talk about that made 2015 a significant year for, but i didn’t quite feel it so much. don’t get me wrong, 2015 for me was a significant year for me, and just simply incredible. 

i have so many people to thank for that really, especially my Sound Architects family (bandmates, girlfriend, and best friends/also crew maybe??? - imee, marla, pris), my Continent Records family, my Seismos family - incredible groups of people who’ve made the most impact on my life in 2015. i think the year would have been so much different (or perhaps incredibly boring) if they hadn’t been with me the entire year. they were among my huge anchors this year, and i have nothing but so much love for them. 

there’s also the Above the Clouds crew and the Kapatiran crew - both feature films i’ve worked on, people who’ve continuously help me develop especially as a professional, and i can’t thank them enough for what they’ve taught me and for what i’ve learned from them. 

on the subject of family, the heaviest anchor of all is my actual family. living under the same roof for about two years now, the fact that i know someone will always have my back in everything i do gives me great respite. never mind the fights and other small things - we’ve always helped each other be better people.

2015 was a year of family. now i’m off to 2016, another exciting year ahead. 

[p0wdered-hand]

writing music

just a thought, really. especially when it comes to writing as a ‘creative’ (i won’t use artist at this point because how dare i) and as a ‘professional’ 

earlier today i was doodling on something. just very random - on my classical guitar. then some stuff came in, and i ended up really liking what was going on. i went on to my laptop, conjured up a beat for it, and jammed with the beat on loop. my mother was nearby, and made a comment about it sounding really good, such and such. at that point i was pretty much convinced this was most likely going to be something for sound architects. my mother went on saying that it could make a good pop song, just with a few changes. i had to refuse, of course. in a very vague way. 

something very inconsequential to me, as it often occurs with me making music for sound architects, my mom making remarks saying they’d all make good pop songs if it had this or that. but then come to think of it, it’s also quite bothersome. that attitude is why musicians starve. at least, for the unlucky ones. i just kept it in me, i didn’t really know what to make of it then. but i suppose, thinking about it, it’s just really me separating the ‘creative’ and the ‘professional.’ balancing the two out. too much of the first one leads to the musician starving to death, too much of the second one can burn out the musician. 

when i write music, or help write music, especially for sound architects - i write with the intention of them not being pop songs. these are usually stuff that i write that i end up liking very much, or stuff that seem a bit too personal, or a bit too close to myself, and of course, the stuff my bandmates and i put together. the stuff i write that i do not necessary like usually are set aside for future projects. sometimes, i recycle for scoring projects, and the others, would make good pop songs. but that’s the ‘creative’ side, my anchor, really. without it, i’d probably lose my mind and end up losing the will to carry on making music. it wouldn’t be fun without the stuff i do for sound architects, or for myself, really. sounds like all ego and stuff, and it is, but not entirely - and it’s not really bad either (but that’s a different topic all together). 

i’m not saying that when i write music, i always write with the intention of using them for some project of mine that won’t make me any money. i understand that i need to make a living. that’s when i will have to write something that’s not for me. a pop song, a film score, a jingle, whatever and i know i can. i’m not some artiste who does nothing but wait for the world to fill me with the music that i can write and share with everyone. you can’t be august rush. i’ve been commissioned to score films, and with my experience of the whole process, one thing always remains the same. i always sit down, and think of something to write for the film. and if i were to write a pop song to sell it, i’m quite sure the process is the same. but i’m confident i’ll always yield results with that process. i didn’t take up music for nothing, after all. that’s me being ‘professional’ 

the point really is that a musician does music for the love of it, but at the same time has to eat, pay for the bills, etc - using music for that is up to the musician (but for someone like me, life has to revolve around music). and i find it really important to balance both, as a guy who writes a lot of music (finished and unfinished). i’ve always believed that if everything that i end up writing had to be a pop song, i’d probably just drop everything because that meant i’d lost the point of it all. but at the same time, i understand that i have to make a living, and that’s when that whole process of sitting down and seriously making music comes in. 

[p0wdered-hand]

the internet is atrocious everything is messed up. schedules. submissions. it's hard to micromanage without the internet. my phone's keyboard is terrible. i think way too fast than i can type properly on this infernal device. i'm no good with pen and paper. things tend to end up on one spot where it will remain, forgotten, then thrown away. that's a messy life. things are piling up but it's ok. i've learned to get by and i am getting the hang of doing everything very differently compared to how i used to do everything on a computer with internet. just few more days, i hope. a million things remain to be done and unlike before i cannot do a thousand things at once. i can't keep on complaining. just adapt. terribly.

[p0wdered-hand]

we made it loud i havent quite collected myself yet from last saturday's show. something we'd all been excited for since our lovely friends from The Polaris Project approached us about it. but clearly, from the perspective of an organizer, it was an incredible success, and from our perspective, despite the minor fuck up during one of our new songs, another (loud) success. i can't stop emphasizing the word 'loud.' because it was. and we wanted it that way. although, i have to admit, i think it was a tad bit too loud. although, apparently, according to Tani (Continent Recs father, TWILB & many other bands) who sat outside during our entire set (due to the venue being incredibly packed), the sound was terrific and crisp and clear from the outside. gotta give to Roy (Mow's main man), micing up the amps despite the venue being small really paid off. but yes, it was loud, and we freaking loved it. and i hope we were loud enough to send those who listened to us into an aural experience - because that's what we were all aiming for. perhaps i find it hard to collect myself because emotions are still running high. i've never looked for validation despite the (sometimes intense) insecurities i felt with sound architects in relation to the more well-known bands in the scene. maybe i just didn't really care so much, or bother to constantly freak out about it. (and sometimes, it's hard to when you've got a lot of other stuff to go on about). but that night made me feel so much love. so much love for the polaris project because they've been there for us ever since, and they've always supported us sincerely every chance they'd get, and it's really heartwarming to feel that kind of love and support. and there's so much love for our family at continent records. while a labelmate (the world i'll leave behind) was part of the lineup, the fact that they'd bring more friends over, some of them really far down south, is another heartwarming matter. i never thought that anyone would come for us, let alone drive an hour just to come over and play and enjoy the night with us. they're some of the rawest, most passionate, (and really energetic) people and we're glad to be over at their backyard. more love to our friends from Dissonänce. they were the first band we really made friends with, going back to last year when we both played a polaris gig on the same night, connecting because of the fact that we were newbies then and barely knew people. and i hope our friendship will last. they are an incredible band, and i'm happy we're running together through this entire gig scene. we hope to cross paths again. to our friends from Pastilan Dong! - some of the friendliest people i know and i just couldn't resist inviting them to play. and a sign of gratitude, i might add as they were one of the few bands who personally invited us to play a show alongside them. a touching gesture i can never forget. though that show didn't push through, i hope it does sometime. we all love watching Pastilan Dong! live. and of course, to our brothers over at The World I'll Leave Behind. they introduced us to Continent Records and the stuff that's going on for them at the moment, stuff that sometimes gets them an unfavorable stereotype, but untrue. because they are incredibly raw and passionate people, and we want to share that with them. it's a real feeling, and it's something i dont want to let go or forget. and there's love for Mow's, especially Roy - the guy who manages the place. we all appreciate the fact that he was cool with us rearranging things and go crazy with our levels. and with him helping out, i just felt a renewed and stronger trust for him, not just in relation to us but in making sure the shows at Mow's sound stellar, since i frequent the place now. and of course, there's our immediate friends - ches, marla, imee, pristine. squad. cruu. they're always around at our shows and it's wonderful knowing that they're always there to support us. the love i feel for them. they are amazing people and we're extremely glad that they are around helping us get ourselves in order, and they'll always be a huge part of the band. there are also those people i know, aside from the many many many strangers who took time off their nights to go to ours, who came. you all know who you are, and we are really touched by your presence. we take the audience and their reactions to our music to heart, and the fact that you were there, listening to us play live and reacting to it is helping us grow into a better band. it was a special night. it was the first time we felt the gig to be 'ours' and feel the freedom to present it the way we see it. and it was even more special because people helped us make it happen (lookin at u tpp) despite our general DIY ethic. we're making an album. i hope we can do it as best and as fast as we can. now...time to study......

[p0wdered-hand]

it's still not light responsibilities everywhere, things i must do. i can't say things have gone lighter for me although the excitement, and sometimes the pressure builds up that i end up having 'mini-breakdowns' - little chunks of my life in minutes, five or seven, where i am stuck in limbo and i am left pensive, catatonic, generally unaware and unsure of what to do and what to do next. my habit of organizing myself has gone to utter shit, and i'm usually left playing everything by ear. i forget dates and deadlines and only remember them the last minute. i forget names and places and only remember them when my attention is called. but hey, i have so many exciting things in store. things in school seem to be well despite the amount of academic and org work i have to do, and not to mention my intense preparation for my junior recital. in fact, we're starting to do these 'practice recitals' (we had one today and it went quite well) and i hope to build myself up through that activity. there's also a collaboration with composers of new music and i just cant wait to hear their material and learn their concepts. and the usual academic stuff - despite the amount of work that i do and have to do i still find time to work on my academics and have output that i put my utmost effort on. and above the clouds seems to be going really well. they first screened last month and i'm glad to hear good feedback with respect to the score that i made for the film. not bad for a first-timer, i guess. although that panel discussion at up cineadarna went terribly. public speaking isnt really my strong suit. but i hope this film establishes me as a film scorer and establishes the fact that i want this to be my profession. and i hope to see new clients. i'm quite excited to get my hands on a new film scoring project - and i have a couple in line. just waiting for the green signals. finally, something i'm very excited about, and perhaps pressured and nervous. our friends from the polaris project are organizing a fundraising gig for our album on the 26th. stoked as we are, i'm damn nervous. maybe it's the fact that two other big events are happening on the same night. or maybe it's the fact that i'm not sure if enough people will go to breakeven (im not really keen on letting them spend so much on us without really benefitting/profiting). but the lineup is stellar and they are all our friends. the venue we are playing at is amazing and ran by another good friend. and the beer's cheap too. at the very least, our friends are there. and that's already a lot for us. that's that i guess. maybe the past month or two ive realized that things cannot happen all at once, and i've been frustrated about that very fact as i always wanted things to turn up for me and my interests right away. they do, slowly. too much of it can drive you insane.

[p0wdered-hand]

swamped and i like it (and the coming-of-musician(?)-age) and the cycle of anxiety and excitement and some more anxiety and the future (refer to the chorus of oceansize’s “catalyst”) 

barely two weeks in and i’m already swamped with loads of responsibilities, commitments, and a lot of school work. in between making transcriptions for my two instrument literature classes, reading thick readings for my music literature class, practicing requirements for my major, and preparing pieces for my junior recital, i squeeze in org work for both the underground and with the guitar society which i am doing the bulk of the work and spearheading a couple of events to come under our group. quite exciting really, a couple of gigs for underground and an exciting collaboration with composers for the guitar society, along with a lecture that goes beyond traditional perspectives on the guitar and a more scientific approach to the instrument itself. 

and in between those i squeeze in more work for sound architects and seismos. although i havent been that active with seismos lately due to time constraints, i’ve been really active with sound architects and collaborating with labelmates. details of which i’m not sure if i can reveal although i am certain that exciting things are coming our way and we are blessed enough to be presented with such opportunities paired with the capability to do so without sacrificing too much of ourselves and our resources. i can say that one of those is a self-organized gig and something we hope to continue on doing after the first one we are holding. 

perhaps something i feel within myself that excites me the most is my feeling of...musical maturity. my growing interest in new music (20th, 21st century, blah) is making an impact not only on my academics and my perspectives and preferences on pieces and of pieces (and i hope to develop a stronger relationship with composers as their instrumentalist), but i can also feel an impact on the way i write music as well...and the way i see myself writing. direction is clearer to me and i no longer feel like i am stuck in the loop of the same progressions and the same feelings. thank you to increased exposure to 20th century music, i suppose. and maybe because of my renewed interest for This Will Destroy You and their material other than Young Mountain, and a more critical approach to how i see the way they structure their music. also the collaboration with our bassist in sound architects who comes up with the more unusual stuff especially in our latest material. i can feel my coming-of-age as a musician, if that makes any sense. i think. i speak in bullshit most of the time but i think that’s quite appropriate. 

the future keeps on getting exciting (but i get anxious a lot in between moments of excitement)...i notice it being a loop. bummed out one moment, anxious the next, and excited afterwards. i guess it’s because i act on whatever impulse i feel, especially those i see very beneficial to me and the people who matter to me and to those around me. but it’s always one thing after the other, and in between one thing and another is a lot of anxiety...the feeling of being insignificant at times, the feeling of being alone whatever i want to achieve, the feeling being rejected because what i want to do goes against a certain norm. 

(okay i’m going on and on and on, my head is spitting out thoughts and words and my hand can’t stop typing. it’s 5 am. i just finished transcribing half a piece. it’s tiring, you know. i should head off to sleep)

[p0wdered-hand]

the world is an ipod my ipod broke about a month back. the right channel refuses to play unless i press hard on the screen. and i'd like to avoid breaking my screen. that's an even bigger problem. so the past few days i've been out not listening to any music at all. commuting to school, waiting in line, waiting for people, and what not. even at home when i have to turn the volume down to make sure i can hear someone calling my name whenever that happens, which always does. to simply put it, i haven't been listening to and experiencing music lately. it may be a drag. it is a drag. at first at least. there's nothing to listen to. the streets are noisy, crowds are disorienting, and the silence is boring. certain things are unpleasant to hear. my habit involves putting on my headphones and just listen away to my favorite albums as i carry on with my life. unfortunately, i am forced to listen to my surroundings. and quite frankly, it isn't so bad at all. at first, things are very unpleasant, sometimes uncomfortable. but then you start hearing certain things, certain patterns - if you will. how engines rev up when the traffic lights turn green, how the leaves rattle before the raindrops hit the ground, the transition from noisy to quiet to serene upon entering UP from Katipunan, and so on and so forth. it reminds me, to a certain extent, of structures in music. like how a school day is a concerto - traffic (moderato) - in UP (andante) - traffic (allegro). or a cadence (para po! - jeepney brake). and not to mention, every single texture of every single sound of every single thing that moves. metallic sounds of cars. rubber grazing asphalt. footsteps on grass. voices. i dont know - these thoughts seem to sound a load of bullshit. maybe they are, to you, to me. but there's certainly something interesting behind forcing your ears to the world. a new perspective, perhaps.

[p0wdered-hand]

just do it (yourself)

quite an exciting future ahead for sound architects. and to be quite honest, that’s what i’ve been talking about a lot lately among my friends and my bandmates. a recurring thought as well, realizing 3am impulses of emailing inquiries to van rentals, messaging people at 4am in the morning regarding plans for the future, and ultimately, plans that we hope will get us to places.

maybe i’m romanticizing too much, but i want to make things happen and i am going to make things happen. my bandmates and i, along with our friends will make things happen.

the vague record deal and general uneasiness with the thought of being exclusive to a group of people very much unlike us led to the decision of just going full DIY. maybe book our own shows with our friends, small or big, manage ourselves, promote ourselves, or everything a dirt poor band goes through to go places. and with an LP coming up, we have enough reason and enough material to tell the world that we are worth something.

personally, i’ve long felt left behind, or just generally lacking in the gig scene. friends and their bands working really hard and making really terrific music for it and getting the overwhelming attention and praise they deserve, while we’re beginning to gather dust in the sidelines, with a hint of paranoia - people thinking at the back of their heads that Sound Architects isn’t working out, will not work out, and not really worth the time to check out anymore. honestly, there’s bitterness directed at myself due to the lack of inaction. i havent worked hard enough for this and i havent motivated my bandmates enough to put more effort into what we want to achieve. but i suppose that’s changing now.

recent talks and meetings with a lot of different people and amongst ourselves seem to get us going in a certain direction we never really considered at first never thought to be viable for us. we looked at only one thing and i guess it bit back - and it’s only now that we’re allowing the winds to blow us to a direction that’s more natural for the band and our general dynamic. and it’s really exciting. exciting because we don’t know what exactly lies ahead and what’s exactly going to happen to us. all we have are our friends and each other, a piss-load of determination to get our shit together and destroy (figuratively) every club we’re going to play in, and a whole lot of ideas and plans we have for our future.

and the best (and really challenging) part is, we’re going to be doing ourselves. with the help and collaboration of people who’d like to work with us, of course.

[p0wdered-hand]

record labels, walls of sound (or lack thereof), and a greek word

it’s been crazy lately. not stressed, but quite sick. i’ve been trying to pressure us to finish writing new material for our upcoming LP. as well as i’ve been dying get myself a decent amplifier i can bring to gigs and use to generate massive walls of sound and depressing drones and agonizing distortion attacks and any other madness i can do with electricity.

tube amplifiers do not agree with me. i want a clean tone when the amp is cranked up to 8 or 9 - tube amps crunch my tone at 6 and it sounds horrendous when i turn on my distortions. pining for a solid-state. i got to try one by laney, a 2x12 from the LX series very much capable of annihilating everyone in a bar or tiny venue (hey, we can all dream). it doesn’t cost much, something i can very much save for. but a little extra money helps, and i’ve been meaning to look for odd jobs here and there. i’d score a porn film if i had to. but hey, it’s all to no avail. no one is too busy this time of the year anyway.

amplifiers and sonic destruction aside, i’ve been pushing us (by us, i mean us at sound architects) to finish writing material for our upcoming LP. i hoped for us to finish by August but our conflict in schedules seem to make that goal impossible. but i suppose we’ll have to try. we haven’t been playing much gigs, we haven’t released anything since the first half of 2015, and i feel like we are slowly fading away. i’d rather that not happening.

perhaps it’s also the circumstance. we had a fruitful jam session at the start of june, but our excitement led us to halt composing material for quite an amount of time, which now is apparently a terrible idea.

we had a gig back in February wherein a guy from one of the bigger, if not, the biggest indie label heard us (by chance) and gave us his calling card sometime after our set. he told us to e-mail him - which we did, but never heard from him since. after that jam session from a few weeks back, he replied to us, and we began exchanging e-mails. he seemed interested in us, and we were excited about it. long story short, he invited us to play in one of his gigs, which we accepted, and we played. from then on, things went pretty vague. i suppose we aren’t quite sure yet. personally, i’d like to see our album push through, signed or unsigned. i’m not quite sure if he really wanted to sign us, as his only comment went something like “i liked your first song, i want you to rerecord it.”

we feel like we are back to square one now. or square one and a quarter. i suppose we still have to talk about whether to look back and rerecord old material or look forward and have a major release. we’ll see.

on the other hand, Seismos feels like a huge achievement for me, and the team. (Seismos is a post-rock/math rock thing conceived in a facebook group by a bunch of passionate fans). we did our first show back in May and packed the venue - inside at least. we (fans) organized it for fans. we weren’t sure if it was gonna take off or fail miserably. but it was a success. what really got to me was the fact that everyone was inside the venue, squeezing themselves in that tiny space feeling the music and really paying attention to it. in the end, it wasn’t really much on the turnout, but on the impact it had on the audience. and man, i think that really matters. we’re planning a couple more shows, one on july 4 which is pretty much set, and hopefully a huge one by september. we’ll see how things will play out.

2:18 AM. i guess that’s a wrap.

[p0wdered-hand]

brink

funny word. not really. on the brink. a week or two of neglecting work, basically. that last midterm season was by far the most stress i’ve had since i began college. it never gets easier, as they say. still, i continue to surprise myself how i am able to cram a week’s worth of work in two, or three separate nights. not of exceptional quality, but acceptable, which to me is unacceptable. the amount of work i can do in a night always amazes me. but the manner in which i expend energy in effort in order to start a momentum that will in the end keep me going until i can no longer work is appalling. call it good ‘ol procrastination. 

difficult experiencing a shutdown and not realizing it. stress here, stress there, give me a break. sometimes, like tonight, i find myself awake at two in the morning, waking up abruptly in the middle of a lecture by an astrophysicist being played on youtube. then i think, work. wow. goodbye sleep. 

in any case, i’m putting confidence in myself that i can perfect finals pieces and play them exceptionally. in time. i hope. a class with my professor always gets the gears working. 

brink. on the brink. insanity. things can be worse. 

well, good night.