parmazharn

[parmazharn]

some deep self reflection I won’t share anywhere else

I sow nothing

in this ground that I own

I sow nothing

so nothing shall grow

and I stand in a barren wasteland

alone, always alone

how much has insecurity taken from me?

I could leave it behind and yet I never flee

I will miss it, although it endeavours to make me bleed

I dream of a full life

but I refuse to fill it

I sit in the dark and hide my feelings

I do nothing

because I fear the shame of falling

I wait for my life to happen

and I take each fear as a warning

I know it lies to me

I let it twist and spin me with its stories

and it’s constant companion

shame always shame

I hide away and she is to blame

whispering sweet nothings

about how they scoff behind my back

I believe they will stop if I do not act

shame is to blame for all that I lack

and what do I leave behind?

my regret, my broken heart, my wasted time

I have always wanted to grow, to climb

to take hold of what is mine

fruit rots and falls at my feet

yet I cannot bring myself to pick it

in case someone sees

in case they laugh when I cannot reach

and so I stay

and I beg on my knees

I do not feel fully formed or whole

and I wonder if I will ever make myself so

but it takes work

and work is shameful

I wish I was born completely made

with no choice in my life or say

in who I would become

I wish someone could live my life for me

because I feel like I’m doing it wrong

and why?

fear always fear

I cannot go after what I want

even when it is within reach

I stutter and stop until it’s gone

because I cannot want

wanting is a weakness

it threatens the pride I cannot let go

and there it is pride

the thing I try to hide from myself

a secret I keep at the back of my shelf

because fear and shame are protectors

defending my pride, always my pride

and I know

if I let it go

I would have more to be proud of

a life I have built for myself

something I have done

but what a risk

to put it on the line

why should I try when i have not already won

and your pride is nothing girl

if nothing stands behind it

your pride is thin

unless you fortify it

so why do I hold on to

a spark that could be a blaze

if only I would light it

something so fragile I am desperate to protect it

something that could be strong if only I would let it

I am broken because I have kept myself so

to scared to make a haunted house a home

a weapon I refuse to hone

something that must be shared yet I build walls until it belongs to me alone

and the writing isn’t finished until there is a resolution

but I have no way to conclude this

a battle that I face every day

that I bottle up and tuck away

never brave enough to put on a page

it seems it will always be this way

a victim of fear and pride and shame

desperate so desperate to stay in my lane

the tracks lead nowhere but I’m firmly planted on the train

I cannot exit though it leaves me in pain

words tumble from my pen from my mouth

whenever I feel it going south

but what do I do with them?

nothing always nothing

I must be forced to share what I write

and no one is forcing me tonight

my shame and my pride and my fear

they trap me and hound me and keep me here

but that is not the ending

each moment I live is a second chance

each breath is hope

that I my stop this dance

of wanting and not having

of reaching and not grabbing

my need for comfort has made me nothing but restless

perhaps there is peace beyond this

perhaps all the wanting is why I feel like such a mess

blessed so blessed

to continue on

I can only hope

and tell myself

that this time

I will not get it wrong

[parmazharn]

[parmazharn]

rewatching tgwdlm and Jeff Blims smug little smile singing the first verse of america is great again is literally everything to me it’s so funny

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on the train listening to leonard cohen thinking about how Im so unique and indie and clearly better and hotter than everyone else in the train carriage

[parmazharn]

I sat and transcribed the Workin’ Boys programme as Matt Lang intended

Zoey Chambers (Henrietta) is humbled beyond words to be a part of this groundbreaking production. Zoey has been entrancing audiences for years with her portrayal of badass girl-bosses like Sandy from Grease and Fantine form Les Miserables. Zoey would like to thank her brother, Zack, for giving her the acting bug all the way back in the third grade! It’s ironic that Zack thought he was the actor of the family but Zoey would go on to completely overshadow him in every way. Sucks to suck doesn’t it Zachary? Zoey would also like to thank her roommate and fellow cast member, Hailey! Hailey is perfectly cast in her very small and inconsequential part. The role of Marge is just so uniteresting and one dimesntional that it helps mask Hailey’s limited range as an actress, as well as other flaws, such as not being pretty enough to pull off an ingenue. Enjoy show and ||be sure to check out Zoey’s Only Fans for spicy pics, JOIs and other lewd content.

Hailey Dilmore (Marge) is so lucky to be part of the best cast in the world! She has no idea how she managed to worm her way into this talented group of ladies! You may recognised Hailey as Pink Lady from Grease of Disciple #3 from Godspell! Hailey would like to thank her fellow cast member, Zoey Chambers. Zoey has been an inspiration, a mentor, and above all, a friend. She’d also like to thank her parents and her dog, Walter. Also she’d like to apologize to the cast once again for blowing up the bathroom every single day during rehearsal. She’s so sorry she made it stink so bad that everybody had to cross the street to use the toilet in the Bank of America. She really doesn’t know what’s happening to her bowels. She’s going to the doctors after the show closes to get everything sorted out. Enjoy the show!

Ruth Fleming (Secretary #4) is so fucking stoked for her acting debut! This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me I mean, her. Ruth ran the lights for her school’s shitty production of The Barbecue Monologues and was also the Assistant Stage Manager for The Wizard of Oz… it sucked. She got bulled and excluded by the whole cast, even thought her job was just as important as theirs. More important actually! Being in the cast is way better! You don’t have to think of an excuse to barge into the dressing room. You can just walk right in! Everyoby takes off their shirts and lets their titties tumble free! It’s the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen… I mean she’s ever seen. Anyways, Ruth doesn’t wanna thank anybody because nobody ever did anything for her.

Cassandra King (Eve) is elated to be present with you fellow vessels in these freeing moments. Everything has transpired exactly as the light in the sky foretold. Cassie has never been a believer in prophecy or the eternal spaces between… but she’s seen too much to deny their truth now. She no longer fears the visions or the pain that comes with their descent. Pain is the price of knowledge. Pain is the language that unites the children of Azzokish no matter which star they may hail from. Cassie wants to see what lies at the end of the cold half. She’s ready to see the face of the girl screaming in the dark. How did she find herself aboard? And what is the destination of such a significant ship? Is tonight the night Cassie departs? The lights do give no answer. And so she waits for deliverance. Cassie would also like to thank her boyfriend, Chris.

(Note: the spelling of Azzokish could be wrong it was blurry as hell)

[parmazharn]

I sat and transcribed the Workin’ Boys programme as Matt Lang intended

Zoey Chambers (Henrietta) is humbled beyond words to be a part of this groundbreaking production. Zoey has been entrancing audiences for years with her portrayal of badass girl-bosses like Sandy from Grease and Fantine form Les Miserables. Zoey would like to thank her brother, Zack, for giving her the acting bug all the way back in the third grade! It’s ironic that Zack thought he was the actor of the family but Zoey would go on to completely overshadow him in every way. Sucks to suck doesn’t it Zachary? Zoey would also like to thank her roommate and fellow cast member, Hailey! Hailey is perfectly cast in her very small and inconsequential part. The role of Marge is just so uniteresting and one dimesntional that it helps mask Hailey’s limited range as an actress, as well as other flaws, such as not being pretty enough to pull off an ingenue. Enjoy show and ||be sure to check out Zoey’s Only Fans for spicy pics, JOIs and other lewd content.

Hailey Dilmore (Marge) is so lucky to be part of the best cast in the world! She has no idea how she managed to worm her way into this talented group of ladies! You may recognised Hailey as Pink Lady from Grease of Disciple #3 from Godspell! Hailey would like to thank her fellow cast member, Zoey Chambers. Zoey has been an inspiration, a mentor, and above all, a friend. She’d also like to thank her parents and her dog, Walter. Also she’d like to apologize to the cast once again for blowing up the bathroom every single day during rehearsal. She’s so sorry she made it stink so bad that everybody had to cross the street to use the toilet in the Bank of America. She really doesn’t know what’s happening to her bowels. She’s going to the doctors after the show closes to get everything sorted out. Enjoy the show!

Ruth Fleming (Secretary #4) is so fucking stoked for her acting debut! This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me I mean, her. Ruth ran the lights for her school’s shitty production of The Barbecue Monologues and was also the Assistant Stage Manager for The Wizard of Oz… it sucked. She got bulled and excluded by the whole cast, even thought her job was just as important as theirs. More important actually! Being in the cast is way better! You don’t have to think of an excuse to barge into the dressing room. You can just walk right in! Everyoby takes off their shirts and lets their titties tumble free! It’s the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen… I mean she’s ever seen. Anyways, Ruth doesn’t wanna thank anybody because nobody ever did anything for her.

Cassandra King (Eve) is elated to be present with you fellow vessels in these freeing moments. Everything has transpired exactly as the light in the sky foretold. Cassie has never been a believer in prophecy or the eternal spaces between… but she’s seen too much to deny their truth now. She no longer fears the visions or the pain that comes with their descent. Pain is the price of knowledge. Pain is the language that unites the children of Azzokish no matter which star they may hail from. Cassie wants to see what lies at the end of the cold half. She’s ready to see the face of the girl screaming in the dark. How did she find herself aboard? And what is the destination of such a significant ship? Is tonight the night Cassie departs? The lights do give no answer. And so she waits for deliverance. Cassie would also like to thank her boyfriend, Chris.

(Note: the spelling of Azzokish could be wrong it was blurry as hell)

[parmazharn]

things people do in real world dialogue:

• laugh at their own jokes

• don’t finish/say complete sentences

• interrupt a line of thought with a sudden new one

• say ‘uh’ between words when unsure

• accidentally blend multiple words together, and may start the sentence over again

• repeat filler words such as ‘like’ ‘literally’ ‘really’ ‘anyways’ and ‘i think’

• begin and/or end sentences with phrases such as ‘eh’ and ‘you know’, and may make those phrases into question form to get another’s input

• repeat words/phrases when in an excited state

• words fizzle out upon realizing no one is listening

• repeat themselves when others don’t understand what they’re saying, as well as to get their point across

• reply nonverbally such as hand gestures, facial expressions, random noises, movement, and even silence

[parmazharn]

Reblog or your mom will die in 928 seconds.

I love my mom.

I am risking nothing

I AM SORRY FOLLOWERS, I LOVE MY MOMMY

Will not risk.

sorry followers :(

[parmazharn]

thoughts on the friendzone

when i was 5 years old my best friend was a boy named kyle who didn’t know how to knock on doors so he made dinosaur noises outside my window to wake me up in the summer until i demonstrated how to ball his fists and slam them against my doors.  we collected caterpillars in my trailer park and built them houses while we traded pokemon cards.  he wasn’t the only one.  there was ben, and mitch, and noah—but kyle’s the only one who hurt me, because when he tried to kiss me and i asked him why, he told me “because you’re a girl and i’m a boy, shouldn’t we like each other?”

i missed him so much and i wondered why he couldn’t just be my friend like he always was

in the first grade there was rich and joseph and i got sent to detention with them almost every day with a smile on my face.  we built block towers and sang to my teacher’s lion king soundtracks when she’d turn the lights off during lunch time.  one day they got in a fist fight over me at recess, and i wondered why they felt they needed to share my friendship, like it was something they owned.

in the second grade zach and i played yu gi oh under our desks during free time and i got moved for talking to him constantly.  everyone in the class would tease him and i for talking, asking when we were going to date already, asking him if he’d kissed me, and he stopped being my friend.

when i was 11 i met a chubby boy with the name of a colour who wore puffy vests and unwashed t-shirts, with greasy hair and bright blue eyes and a smile that hid hurt behind it.  people didn’t like him because he was silly, but i liked him, because i was also silly.  he became my friend the day he bought me 5 giant roses and asked me to be his girlfriend, and i politely declined but promised him i’d be his best friend because i’d always wanted a best guy friend that stuck around. we burnt our feet on the concrete during the summer and walked home with the sunset silhouetting us.  he talked often about how he loved me, but never blamed me for being me, even though he refused to move on. that boy dyed his hair jet black and sat on the end of my bed playing songs to me on guitar, and all that pent up rage from before didn’t show until the first time he slapped me across the face and called me a dumb cunt.

in the 7th grade there was a boy named ryan who sat next to me on the bus and talked to me about manga.  he’d ask me personal invasive questions but i didn’t mind because it was attention and i liked attention.  i was dating another guitarist with curly brown hair, one who was much more kind-tempered than the other, and ryan mentioned how much of an asshole he was every day.  i wondered, why, why does he think the love of my life is an asshole?  but whenever i asked him, he just told me, “girls only date assholes.  there’s no room for nice guys like me.”

i wondered, if he was so nice, why did he say such mean things?

he never stopped with me, taking me to movies, hanging out with me, you know.  being friendly.  i thought we were friends.  but then, how many times had i thought that before?

how many times had i bonded with a boy, thought they got me, only for them to ask me if i wanted to make out?

how come when i told ryan i was coming out as a lesbian, he stopped being my friend, and said “damnit, the one girl i really want to pound into a mattress, and she’s only interested in chicks!”

there was a boy my junior year who stayed up all night with me until the sun rose, talking about life, past loves, hopes, dreams.  beneath a million twinkling stars spanning forever, he brushed long brown hair out of his eyes and listened to me talk about the history that made me. then he asked me if i’d ever consider dating a guy, and complained about how he’d never get laid.

when i told him no a couple hundred times, he found new girls to listen to.

i would sit on the couch and play zelda with dakota, and he’d talk about all my favourite games with me.  he was the closest thing to support i had, and the letters and poems he wrote me were always so kind and friendly.  but he’d put his arms around me on the couch, and no matter how many times i told him i was uncomfortable, he’d still come over every day and do it.

“don’t you know how it feels to love someone and not have them love you back?  don’t you know what it feels like to be friendzoned?”

when i meet guys who talk about the friendzone, who talk about the girls who don’t give “nice guys” like them i chance, i always want to just say

when i was 10 years old i met a girl whose brown hair fell across her shoulders and whos eyes sparkled when the sunlight hit them, whose voice was like velvet and whose scent was like mountain smoke, who made me dizzier than a fly climbing a sugar hill.  and i’m 18 years old, and i still love her, and she knows, and she doesn’t love me.

but my first thoughts upon hearing her rejection were not “what a bitch,” were not “she just wants a douchebag and not a nice girl like me!” were not “im going to keep pushing her until she dates me,”

they were

“she is the best friend i have ever had, and i am the best she’s ever had, and i would hate to take that away from her.”

so before you play the victim, mr. Nice Guy, before you angrily throw your fedora on the ground and blame the girl you claim to adore so much:

put yourself in the shoes of a girl who thought she made a wonderful friend, only to find out that he just wanted her for sex.  that he just wanted her for a relationship.  a girl who was just an object to win, a prize.  a girl who’s trust you’ve just shattered.

maybe she friendzoned you.  but you girlfriendzoned her, first.

[parmazharn]

[parmazharn]

I wish that ao3 had an option to filter warnings (and tbh certain authors) out like I will never ever want to read it and just seeing it puts me off so much that often I end up closing my browser because that content upsets me so much lmao

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this blog hates donald trump

Look how many people hate him. I’m pretty damn happy about that 😁😁😁😁😁😁

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hey there LGBTQ kids who are also Christian/Jewish! If you feel like you’re disobeying God, questioning your faith, or feel wrong and dirty for loving who you love, there’s this fantastic site I found today called hoperemains that accurately and thoroughly combs through scripture and its (many) mistranslations, validates your orientation, and basically let’s you know that you’re not pissing off God. It’s insanely thorough and after reading through every page on the entire site it’s super helpful. Go check it out!

[parmazharn]

[parmazharn]

a non-cutesy self care guide, for when you need to bounce back after being really dysfunctional

Body

Wash your hands with warm water and soap. 

Trim, file, and buff your nails and toenails. 

Trim any hangnails. 

Push back your cuticles.

Put hand cream or moisturizer on your hands and/or feet.

If you have any rough skin, buff it off with a pumice stone. 

If it’s your style, give yourself a manicure and/or pedicure. 

Roll out your ankles, flex and point your feet a couple of times. 

Stretch your calves, hamstrings, quads, shoulders, triceps, upper back, lower back, chest, or any other part that feels tight. 

Roll your neck in circles in both directions. 

Shake out your hands and roll your wrists. 

If you want to, shave anywhere you want to shave. 

If you have any sore muscles, massage them with your hands or a foam roller. 

Go through your normal facial care routine. Splash water on your face, put on moisturizer, use a facial cleanser, or put on a nice mask. 

Take a warm bath or shower. Warm, not scalding hot. 

Take a cutesy, Instagram-worthy bath with a bath bomb, or use this guide for what to put in your bath.

Wash your hair. Shampoo and condition if you want. 

Dry yourself off gently with a soft towel.

Put on clothes that make you feel confident. 

Eat something, preferably healthy.

Drink a huge glass of water. 

Use the restroom, if you’ve been holding it for a long time. 

Use a warm washcloth and wipe off the crusty bits around your eyes and nose.

Blow your nose. 

Take any medications or vitamins if you need to do so.

Have a warm drink. Avoid caffeinated drinks if they make you jumpy.

Comb or brush your hair, then style it in a way that makes you feel most confident. 

If you have open cuts, put on bandages; if you have mosquito bites, apply anti-itch cream; etc.

Surroundings

Delete unnecessary photos and apps from your phone.

Close all apps running in the background of your phone.

Close all of the tabs open on your computer.

Delete unnecessary files from your computer.

Organize your files.

Check emails, and clean up your inbox. 

Clear every notification on your phone.

Take everything off your desk and wipe it down. 

Put all papers where they need to go. 

Put all books on your shelf.

Reorganize your shelf by author, series, rainbow colors, or whatever else you prefer. 

Untangle all of your cables.

Make your bed.

Change your sheets, pillowcase, and duvet cover.

Put all scattered clothes in a laundry bin.

Do that laundry. 

Turn off all the lights if it’s daytime, or turn them all on if it’s nighttime.

Put all of the random junk that doesn’t have a place into a box, and hide the box under your bed. 

Hang clean clothes in your closet, or fold them and put into drawers. 

Open your blinds and curtains. 

Straighten everything that is hanging on your walls, unless everything is slanted in a certain way for your ~aesthetic~

Vacuum the floor.

Clean your phone screen, laptop screen, keyboard, etc. 

Put all of your pens in jars. 

Mind

Take any medication you need. 

Dump all your thoughts in a journal. 

Make an appointment with a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc.

Tbh, beyond this I don’t know about each person’s circumstances. You can check out my mental health resource tag and find something to help you.

+ more posts / youtube channel

[parmazharn]

i hope you always have enough money to pay your rent on time, to buy your favorite groceries, and to invest in your art.

I receive that blessing & send it to everyone that follows me

[parmazharn]

story time.