patchun

[patchun]

in desperate need of serotonin and digimon provided. look at this new digimon. holy shit she's so pretty

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Trigger warning. Morbid don't read if you aren't feeling good.

This isn't me trying to be morbid or asking for help or maybe it is but I don't think I am too far from killing myself at this point. Like is that even inherently a bad thing? When I think about it it sounds peaceful. I'm just tired of fighting. I'm ready to throw in the towel. Straight up the only thing keeping me going is a light sense of excitement for the upcoming Digimon game. If not for that I might have already done it.

Idk. I'm at a dead end man. I can't see myself ever being financially stable and I'm pretty sure I just got denied a job because of how frequently I've hopped jobs in the past couple years. Like I'm mentally unstable what do you want from me, that doesn't mean I don't bring a lot to the table. Plus the work I'm doing right now is so unethical, working at an oil change shop and basically being encouraged to and surrounded by scamming people. It's discouraging. People suggest, oh, go work on the Arsenal. Oh, go join the military. I'll die before I spend a single second or my time supporting the US military industrial complex and I mean that.

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My brain hasn't produced serotonin in like a week

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I've seen what happens when people Get Worse. I've orbited a lot of people who Got Worse (especially online). If you listen to people who Got Worse it's all the same: they don't have consistent, meaningful social support, they've been hurt too many times and they can't open up out of fear that the next betrayal is going to drive the knife right through the artery, they end up spending too much time alone and develop secret languages, meanings, thought cycles completely inscrutable to anyone who has never had to rely on such rituals to survive, they get caught in a cycle of reopening and licking their wounds because the progression of time is so unrewarding and stagnant that the past is basically always the present, and the present is already the future, they become mean, they become strange.

some people might offer to help them but it's rare they ever know where to start, let alone exhibit compassion without grimace. admittedly, even for genuinely compassionate people, it isn't the easiest thing. if the person is someone who is stuck in their ways or doesn't know you, they don't really have a reason to be receptive to your help. "why should I waste my time on someone who is just going to become another memory of heartache? someone who will carelessly hurt and abandon me?" and such. an earnest attempt to help can feel like an attempted assault to them. at the same time, the meaningful interpersonal relationships that these people need will not survive if built on pity or fleeting self-gratifying feelings of "building" someone into your idea of a desirable person.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I always found it hard not to see myself as only a few degrees removed from these people. one or two safety nets separated from being completely trapped. unable to feel safe in not just the world but also my own body. a cosmological dead end. I stay away from habitually engaging in the obvious things can that make trying to change when you're at this point difficult (alcohol, drugs, etc), but if temperance is how you maintain stability in the face of rock bottom, you're basically already there, right? you're there and your body just hasn't caught up. maybe I'm just being dramatic because it's late. hows everypony finding the new deltarune chapters.

[patchun]

Mastemon Ace EX6-029 by Takeuchi Moto from EX-06 Theme Booster Infernal Ascension

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😴

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my mans running animation only got two frames

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idk a cute little sangomon piece that i'll never finish

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Lunamon and Coronamon as Minervamon's sidekicks is so aesthetically pleasing

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Have you played the latest Deltarune Chapters? If so, what did you think?

I have not yet! I feel like I'm not going to be able to stay invested in it on a chapter by chapter basis so I'm going to play all of Deltarune (already played ch 1) when it fully releases

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I really like Otamamon Red

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Avatar of Mountain and Lakes🐍

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more sprites of medusamon :)

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