peanutbutterwithbanana

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Lament

I never really thought I would miss you if you died. Well, I was wrong.

I think I miss you the most in the quiet moments, they weren’t this quiet before. The way you hummed while cleaning, the sound of your keys as you came home from work, the sound of the kettle boiling water for your tea— mundane sounds I wish I could hear again. Sometimes I call your name out in a tizzy, only to remember you’re not around anymore, and then I call it again, just in case you’ll appear in front of me. Where are you now? Can you hear me? Do you know I think of you all the time? Do you know I love you? Or are you just…gone?

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

I want,

“I want to love.”

I want to love someone so deeply that it breaks me. I want this love to leave me in utter shambles, small and sharp, like the glass that sticks to my feet. I want to hurt. I want to hurt because of someone.

I’m tired of being self sufficient. I want to depend on someone, so much that a second without them fills my lungs with carbon dioxide and kills me. I want to be suffocated by a troublesome love, until my brain cells degenerate because of anoxia.

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Final moments, final thoughts

And my hair sticks to my head from all the blood that’s gathered underneath it. The fall was fatal but my consciousness betrays me by not slipping away. I lay in my blood, I can feel that the end is close, I have a few more seconds. Somehow, the scent of blood is replaced by the subtle smell of strawberry milk powder from my childhood. All I can see is the rainbow ball I played with as a child. My purpose remains unknown, and I use up the last remaining energy stored in me to scoff at that. Ah-

My vision’s gone dark. 

…

…

…

Goodbye

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

words

Every spiteful word you utter and all the ones you leave unsaid, open up new wounds on my body. And sometimes, they go back to an old wound, only to scratch it up and leave it bleeding. The blood, now crystalline, is unwashed; it still glows bright red somehow. 

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

if i were human

If I were human, I would look at you properly, and I wouldn’t be so scared of what’s in the future. If I were human, I would plant the softest kisses on your forehead and lull you to sleep. If I were human, I would look at your scars and I would accept them. If I were human, I would love you like I mean it. If I were human, I would finally spend time with you. If I were human, I would stand up to that bitch. If I were human, I’d do everything at once. 

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Dirt

I will not allow myself to be human. I am mere dirt. I was born dirt and when I die, everyone will realise this, and I will be dirt.

I cannot fall in love for I do not deserve it. I do not deserve the happiness it brings nor do I deserve the pain it will inevitably cause

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Trinkets

I’ll hold on to all the trinkets you gave

I’ll carry them with me everywhere

And one day when I’m not paying attention

I’ll lose them

Like I lost you 

Then I’ll mourn that loss 

By keeping thoughts of the trinkets in my heart 

Right next to where thoughts of you reside

Forever

And ever

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Ghost

“..And I’ll follow you till you are no longer alive.”

Those words still ring in my ear sometimes. They eat me up alive sometimes when I look at my face in the mirror, when I look at my naked and scratched-up body, when I hear myself talk. She sits behind me, monitoring my every move. I am bound to her, she told me so herself.

Her presence hangs around me, like the spirit of some vengeful ghost.

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Death

I don’t want to die a painless death. I want to die experiencing as much pain as humanly possible. Put me in a hydraulic compressor and let my flesh turn to mush and mix with the shards of my broken bones. Let me feel a sting on every single nerve ending on my body as life leaves my body.

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Painkiller

I’m too scared to dry swallow

The lump in my throat stays there for longer

Than it should

So I had a mouthful of water ready

For both the pills that I put in

Yet

The pain didn’t dissolve

Like the pills did

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

‼️TW: DESCRIPTIONS OF SH‼️

Ruby

Blood seeps out of the cuts on my skin

Dark red

And it catches the light,

I’m almost tricked to believe

That red rubies adorn my wrists

They burn and and now I think

They are glowing embers that set my skin on fire

I hope it burns till I smell the charred flesh

Then I won’t have to call myself ‘half-baked’

That’s stupid

I’m stupid

I’ll carve some more

Until I’m covered in red rubies

Until I’m burning all over

Until I’m no longer stupid

But I think I’ll be stupid as long as I’m alive

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

It always rains on my birthday; So, I asked my mother if it rained the day I was born. She didn’t seem to recall. However, the days following my birth would be extremely rainy apparently. I do not remember being born nor do I wish to remember it. I wonder if on Earth, resides a human, who clearly remembers being born. If so, I wonder what sin they committed in their past life to shoulder such a burden.

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

My feelings towards others always felt gimmicky and fake. I see not a single human deserving of respect, including myself. I grew up hating everything around me. Happiness always felt like a fleeting emotion; much of my life was shadowed by subtle melancholy and I always wanted to die.

I learnt to adapt and put on a happy mask in front of friends.I show different faces to different people. No one knows who I am, they only know the “me” I have shown them. This is of course true for every human being. Still I can’t seem to stop myself from being envious of those who are authentic to most people they meet. They seem unreal to me.

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Trapped/Sinking

Once again I find myself trapped. I haven’t left my room at all today. I wanted to go outside, I really did, but it started raining. I’ve done nothing today. Maybe that serves as foreshadowing for my future. How can I do anything if I no longer exist? I’m already as good as dead. I’m already useless. I’m rotten to the core; I’m an eaten, rotten, worm-infested apple. I have no future where I do not lay forgotten and discarded.

I’m a misshapen stone, heavy from all the troubles I house. I have no choice but to sink to the bottom of this pond called life. I can’t float, I don’t know how to.

I watch myself write line after line after line. I watch myself put full stop after full stop after full stop. My hands write on their own and my mind dictates by itself and strangely I feel disconnected to both. I am neither body nor soul. I wonder if I am?

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Prison

I’m locked in my prison. Marble floor, white walls, it’s all too cold to touch. I lie quietly, unable to free myself from the shackles that hold me down. I can’t get up, the pain would kill me, I think. The pit in my stomach is way too large to fill with food and happiness. I think food and happiness are overrated anyway. I don’t like the way they all look at me, like I’m some sort of animal. I’m worse, I’m way worse. I haven’t got enough consciousness to be one. My head is empty yet so full of thoughts that’ll harm me if I act upon them. I need some space, I need some time alone. No one seems to get that.

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Tragedy

I despise tragedies. I hate how they make me cry, I hate the lack of happy endings. So, I'm lying here on my bed wondering why I choose to surround myself with such tragic energy. I broke my guitar today, I can still feel the calluses on my finger though; it’s not all gone yet. But the calluses will fade and my guitar will fade into the background of my room. It was gone in a second, I watched it fall to the ground. Maybe it’s a sign, I shouldn’t try to be happy or do things I like. Maybe it’s not a sign, and it just happened to fall down.

I’m tired and it hurts. I am the tragedy.

[peanutbutterwithbanana]

Heat

Texting isn't enough I need to crawl into you and read your every thought. I need to drown in and drink your thoughts and feel them on my tongue. I need to taste the heat of your anger, the bitterness of your sadness, the sourness of your disgust, and the sweetness of your joy. I will regurgitate these thoughts again and again simply to feel you in my mouth once more.