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My 2023 Sloth Kama Sutra calendar is now for sale! Get crazy with it! Click here to buy

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Buy me calendar! It has cool art, if you like SPACE!!!

Link to buy here:

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"I like to enjoy my bathroom experiences by shouting, 'POO!' at the top of my lungs at the moment of, well, poo.  Yesterday, I did this, and the man at the urinal next to my stall was so taken aback that I momentarily saw his urine arc fly straight up in the air.  Some of it must have hit him on the head because a second later, I heard him explain, 'Jove, my scalp's been wee'd on for a poo!'

"The most amazing thing his he said that while maintaining a perfect Boston accent."

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"It's weird.  My mom and dad look exactly alike. Both really Jewy, with dark curly hair and droopy eyes.  They could be brother and sister if I didn't check, THOROUGHLY, that they weren't related.  And then out I pop and I'm all blonde hair and chiseled jaw.  I'm quite convinced that despite all DNA testing evidence, and a genealogical chart going back 3 centuries, I'm someone else's kid.  Probably, like, a king, or a super-powered alien or elf.  Or at least, like, a different-looking kind of Jew."

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"Yeah, I knew there was an election. Why do you think I've spent the past two days in a dive bar restroom in the backwaters of Pennsylvania? [shudders] To think, I almost was part of a civil society."

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"I would have to say, I'm probably the least racist of all of my friends.  They're kind of douche bags compared to how not racist I am.   I'm like, so not racist, that if I see a homeless black guy on the street, I don't even wait for him to ask me for money, I just give him some.  Once, I was with an Asian person, and...

[author's note: she went on like this for probably 20 minutes.  I had to chew my leg off, not to escape, but to allow the physical pain to tether me to reality.]

"...I think I probably became not a racist on the day I saw on the internet that Dick Cheney had eaten a Mexican for fun.  I said, 'what the what? That is totally racist. I don't want to be a racist.' If it weren't for that one fact I saw on a jpeg on facebook, I'd probably be totally, like, a major racist. Good thing he ate that Mexican right? Wrong, that's horrible. A normal racist wouldn't have said that was horrible.  That's how I can tell I'm better than them. Sorry, not sorry"

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"Some people say giving birth is like the most magical thing ever.  So I became a nurse in a maternity ward, and let me tell you: slime and yelling ain't that magical.  Hell, when I had my kid, I went home birth, just to check.  Still screaming, still a lot of gross shit and pain, and at the end, this little bald troll doll covered in crusty ooze.  So I would have to say, the most magical thing ever is still probably having sex with Artemis, Greek Goddess of the Hunt at 10,000 feet on the back of a flying rainbow unicorn."

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"They say, 'If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere,' and they're talking about New York, but really, that could apply to anywhere, right?  If I can make it to the top of the social strata of Pattawamaquasettamochundraketta, Pennsylvania, then it should be just as easy to transfer those skills to the upper crust of Rio, or Silicon Valley, or the Kremlin, when I get there.  Which will be any day now.  I just have to climb the local ladder first."

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"Coming to this dank little bar and drowning my feelings in cheap beer is the closest thing I have to happiness in my life, other than walking barefoot through the park with my newborn son cradled in my arms, absorbing golden sunlight and reflecting on the miraculous series of choices and accidents that would allow me to appreciate this moment more than anything in the world, but ain't no one got time for that."

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"I got salmonella twice in my life.  The first time by eating plants, the second time by eating animal meats.  I can tell you one thing, I won't be eating either those again soon. Nawp. It's fungus and protists and archaebacteria for me from now on.

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National gallery of Art: "Young Girl Reading."

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"I used to be a pediatrician, but then I was like, 'why am I wasting my time on the kids of dopey Manhattenites when there are struggling refugees and immigrants all over the world who want to come to America?'  So I started a company that takes their life savings and mulches them into pig feed for Iowa farms.  I also sell fake herbal vaccines out of crude oil.  You see, I want to be President some day, and the road to landing the Republican nomination seems pretty easy if you start touching bases early enough."

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"It's almost insane how useful peanut butter is.  For example, you can rub it on cats to make your cats taste like peanut butter.  Although, really, that works for pretty much anything."

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"Ah, 2016!  A whole new year, a whole new exciting chance to truly live to my fullest.  I resolve to be less like the fuddy duddy I was last year, and live like a completely new person.  Someone handsome.   And charming.  And rich.  Oh, my, definitely rich.  With a beautiful wife, and certainly not any children.  And a second house in the Caribbean.  

"All I have to do now is find this person.  The rest should be easy."

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"My daughter came up to me the other day and said, 'a boy at school said Elf on the Shelf isn't real.  That you and daddy just move him after I go to bed.'  There's nothing more heartbreaking than the moment your child doesn't believe in Elf on the Shelf anymore.  What happened to innocence in this country?"

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"My boss, Mister Spoondoggle, is very demanding.  I don't think I've ever seen him open his mouth without issuing a demand.  Not a single statement, declaration, exclamation, or question.  Nothing but forceful imperatives, all day long.  Down at the office we think he may have a brain tumor or something.  We try to goad him into saying things that aren't demands.  "Boy, the weather sure is nice today, isn't it Mr. Spoondoggle?"  "Get me my sunglasses!"  "Happy birthday Mr. Spoondoggle."  "Stop me from aging!"  "See you tomorrow Mr. Spoondoggle."  "Have a good night!"  It's impossible.

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"I'm trying to raise capital for my tech start-up.  My goal is to raise around $4 million, then jump out of an airplane, change my name and hair color and spend the rest of my life tending a small pineapple farm on one of the smaller Hawaiian islands, until a carefully engineered fracking incident causes a volcano eruption that smothers the entire thing in a lahar and I use the insurance settlement to move to Istanbul and pretend to make board games on Kickstarter.  

"Don't ask me where I lived or what I did before I moved to New York."