pos-syscourse

[pos-syscourse]

Saturday Songs!

Goodbye by Bo Burnham

I've been listening to this song quite a bit recently. It's the end of the summer as we launch into fall, and it definitely feels... more strongly, recently, like an ending.

This year has been much, much harder in terms of feelings of depression and struggles. Feeling like hell 24/7 and just trying to push through it. The world has gone to shit, my job has gotten worse, and my disorders are disordering more and more in my life.

Listening to this song... brings me back to introspection on that. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's good to sit with these emotions sometimes, to think about how I'm feeling and understand it. Listening to this sometimes helps me understand where I'm at and how I"m doing, mentally.

The idea of promising to never go outside again... The idea that I'm stuck where I am. Contemplating if I've just backslid in my mental health, if I'm just getting worse...

But then I look around me.

I've been going to the library just about daily for the last week, talking to the librarians who recognize me on sight. I have friends who I ramble with, getting spammed with headcanons and silly chatter. I have someone who loves me enough to marry me, and here we are, enjoying fresh fruit and an AC unit gifted by our neighbor.

Things are... bad. But things can also be good. Letting the world, these feelings, get me down so much that I lose sight of that isn't helpful.

I look at the voice at the end of this song to be my internalized shame. "Well, well, look who's inside again." It's judgemental. It's shaming me for backsliding, for being stuck again. But... that voice isn't my voice. It's unnatural, bizarre -- distinctly not mine.

I deserve better than that.

We all do.

Good luck with the joy, my friends. Try to find where your shame is coming from, and recognize that shame is not who you are. You are so, so much more than that.

[pos-syscourse]

It's absolutely lovely weather where I am -- only just got up into the 70s (F, not C). Today is a perfect day to take a break and get some sunlight, making sure to stay cool while you do!

I know how hard things have been lately. I know how much we're all suffering. Remember: your joy is an act of resistance. Taking a break is taking care of yourself. You deserve good things!

Rest, relax, and recover. <3

[pos-syscourse]

Protect yourself.

Do what you have to in order to curate this space for protection. Then, be proud of yourself for how you take care of your well being.

Block people. Block tags and content. Impose time limits on scrolling. Delete asks, good and bad ones, that are overwhelming!

Don’t do things that don’t spark joy. Actively remove things from your life that make things worse.

You’ll be surprised at how much lighter the world feels.

[pos-syscourse]

You are not the protagonist.

Peoples actions online largely are not directed solely at you; it’s so vitally important to learn not to take things on the chin. It’s usually not about you.

Something someone posted triggered you? It could be they purposefully put that in the tags to trigger people! It could also be that they didn’t realize it would be triggering. It could be they didn’t realize they even used those tags.

Your comments disappeared from a post? It could be that OP hates you, specifically, and hid your comments. It could be they blocked you. It could be tumblr malfunctioning.

People are discoursing on your post and it’s upsetting you! They could be doing this purposefully to piss you off. They could also have not understood your boundaries. They might not even know you dislike discourse.

Syscoursers need to understand they aren’t the protagonist 24/7. You are the main character of your own life — not someone else’s. We need to stop assuming bad faith and maliciousness from each individual; approach people with kindness and humility.

It’s what we deserve.

[pos-syscourse]

Syscourse Break!

Today seems like a great day to let the tag go sit in a corner and not check it. I’d rather not look at all that.

Instead, let’s relax together. I’ve got a fun one:

What have you read or listened to recently? It can be a book, music, anything!

Today I carved out some time to read two graphic novels, both of which I greatly enjoyed! I’ve also listened to Sunflower from Post Malone again today. It’s been a bit! :P

[pos-syscourse]

Hey Anon! I’ve edited the post. You’re right; I was aiming for something with that statement, but it didn’t come across clearly that I was speaking from the past perspective. Thank you for the comment :)

[pos-syscourse]

I think the only good outcome when it comes to bigotry is changing minds.

I don’t think running bigotry out of syscourse works; I don’t think that solves the deeper problem. It might be easier, or more satisfying, or more cathartic… but I don’t think it helps.

When I was in high school, I was incredibly homophobic. I’m not proud of it, especially as a queer individual now. I received harassment for this, being confronted and ganged up on due to my beliefs. I was insulted and frequently called various slurs and other horrific things because (from my bigoted, flawed perspective) I dared to speak my mind.

And while my opinion has changed on those things I said back then, it wasn’t because of the harassment that my mind changed. The harassment made me shut my mouth; it didn’t make my bigoted views changed.

What changed me was those who gently comforted the trauma of harassment, before firmly confronting the issues with what I’d said.

Harassment has always driven me away from the spaces I was in that perpetuated harassment, but it made me bitter and stubborn. I held even more deeply to my (bigoted, incorrect beliefs). And that’s part of why I advocate so strongly for kindness now.

I’m evidence that changing minds can happen. That we can make this world better, not through hate, but through joy, love, and genuine kindness. I want to be the person who can help others.

When you see someone who is being horrific in the tags, try kindness — for yourself and others.

[pos-syscourse]

Saturday Songs!

Way Less Sad by AJR

I’m struggling a lot lately. That much is obvious to me and my friends.

But I’ve been looking back, too, a lot lately. Looking back to my horrific childhood, talking about my abuse with my new, chosen family. Realizing just how hard things were. And how little I noticed.

It can be hard to realize I’ve made progress. Life… sucks. There’s so much bad. There’s so much around me trying to drag me down. And back then? Back then I masked, and I masked well.

Now, even though I’ve made progress, some days it feels so much worse. Aren’t I worse now? Aren’t I going insane?

And then I realize.

I’m happier.

Not… happy. There’s a lot of days where I just want to rot in bed — today was one of those days. I just wanted to sit and rot and not do anything.

A decade ago, I wouldn’t have felt that way at all — or at least, it would’ve been so buried I wouldn’t know I felt that way. Years ago, I would’ve just rotted and felt miserable.

Today, I woke up early and cleaned out a car in the summer heat. I drove with my spouse — the person who loves me, who married me — and read out loud while they drive. We picked up plants goods, and delivered tools and kept company to my sister in law. I have a sister in law? And we drove home, to our house together, and took a much needed nap in the middle of the afternoon before going on a date.

I am miserable right now. I’m tired. I’m worn down. I don’t want tomorrow to come.

But I also do. Because there’s… so much joy. I might not be feeling it in these moments. I might feel so, so sad.

But I’m happier now than ever before. I can feel it now. I can see it, markedly, in my actions.

I hope you all can see where your actions are improvements. I wish you the best in taking solace in your actions, seeing how you’ve improved. I hope your actions make you happier, especially if happiness feels out of reach.

I hope we can all be less sad together 💜

[pos-syscourse]

Yesterday, I spent nearly the entire day with a friend. She came over to help me tidy my house, which was in shambles. She focused entirely just on the laundry in our bedroom, and in the process, we cleaned up all of it. Now my bedroom is a relaxing space, rather than a stressful one.

Throughout the entire day, I kept complimenting her ability to go. And she said something fairly insightful.

"If this were my own house, I'd be absolutely paralyzed. This is so overwhelming. But since it's me helping you, I can do it, because I know it'll help my friend be less overwhelmed."

As I look around syscourse, I see a messy, overwhelming home very frequently. And after her comment yesterday, it feels nice to think of how putting kindness and care above all else is cleaning up the mess some; it's making it a less stressful place.

I struggle quite a bit with taking care of myself. I've been struggling a lot lately with syscourse, even, feeling sick and like I have to keep looking. But...

Making posts like this helps. A lot.

Consider making kinder posts. Consider how you can clean your neighbor's home, make the tag a better place. You may find you can help yourself along the way.

[pos-syscourse]

We’re all looking to get something out of this tag. Maybe it’s joy. Maybe it’s misery. Maybe it’s pain.

Whatever it is, you’re valid, alright?

You’re seeking it for a reason. I want you to sit and actively think to yourself what that reason is.

Is it healthy? Is it good? Is what you’re posting helping you? Is it helping others? Is what you’re scrolling through making your life better, or worse?

This isn’t foolproof. But it’s occasionally helped me.

[pos-syscourse]

Syscourse Break!

Today seems like one of those incredible days to log off and not look at this tag. It’s become messy and triggering for many again. As a reminder, it’s almost certainly not your responsibility to clean up that mess.

Instead, we should ALL be taking care of our health and minds and engaging in all of our hobbies — not just the debating one.

So, here’s a question for today:

What hobby of yours brings you the most joy?

For us, it would have to be between writing and playing games. I think it’s likely the former though, because we share our writing, but we don’t share much gameplay. I do hope to be a Twitch streamer one day though!

Please, no syscourse on this post. Let’s all try to take a break today!

[pos-syscourse]

I think it’s easy to feel guilty about what people have done. In a world so filled with shame, it’s easy to shame yourself for people’s actions — even if you weren’t a factor in those actions at all.

I think syscourse has an obsession with shame. Shame on them for posting that; shame on them for spreading misinformation; shame on them for harassment.

And I’m not saying shame is inherently negative; shame is a demotivator. The goal of using shame is to try to stop actions by shaming the action away.

But the fact is, shame is not the only tool in our toolboxes, it’s often being used poorly, and worst of all, people try to shame themselves out of behaviors that aren’t shameful at all.

Lately, I’ve felt a lot of shame for “not doing more.” How could I have let so and so post that? (As if I have any control over what others think and say). How could I have not addressed that post? (As if I need to sacrifice my time to do that). How could I have ignored this topic for so long? (As if taking a break is inherently shameful).

It’s not fair. It’s not right.

Please. If you find yourself shaming your behavior or actions, just because it’s what you think Syscourse would want — stop. Take pride in what you’ve done to try to be your best.

I hope we can all move past shame together.

[pos-syscourse]

I didn’t end up posting a Sunday post. That’s because I only fully looked at syscourse twice, I think, the whole day.

Instead, to fill the gaps, I:

Spent time with my partner

Went on a walk

Went out for dinner

Played video games

Worked on a writing commission

Yelled about bugs

Scrolled fun tags on tumblr

Contemplated an ask I received on a sideblog

All of which felt so much less distressing. All of which felt good. A good way to use my time.

I’m not saying syscourse doesn’t have its benefits for some. But please remember to try other things too, especially if syscourse has become a major factor in your life; don’t put all your eggs in the syscourse basket!

Maybe this can be my Sunday post :P

[pos-syscourse]

Saturday Songs!

Doodles by Rose Betts — Video by Its ok koy

TW for Alcoholism mentions in the song!

I want this video in particular for this one. I think it really makes it so much better; it changes the message of the song a bit, for me, and it’s all I can imagine now.

In the video, a woman laments about how she needs to drink through the regrets of her past; mistakes she’s made, labeling them “doodles she’d undo.” Throughout the song, a younger version of the protagonist walks through a gallery of all of these regrets, finally stopping when she sees the woman — her future self — literally drowning in regret. And once the woman is freed from that moment of drowning, her younger self forgives her. And then she puts in a lot of hard work into fixing how she looks at these doodles; changing the situations, changing how they’re perceived. Some can’t be fixed; but they look different now.

When I look back on who I used to be, it is incredibly easy to be hard on my past self. Even just yesterday, I had things I’ve regretted. There’s things I wish I could’ve done better, words I wish I’d said “correctly.” Further back, I look back on the foolishness I’ve shown, the trauma reactions I’ve had that’ve hurt those I love.

It is so easy to demonize and regret your past.

But… that past would forgive me. That past would look at who I am now and understand that I’m trying. My younger self would look at who I am now, and I think… they’d like who I am.

Isn’t that what I should strive for?

How would it be fair to treat them with less respect than they would treat me?

I need to change how I view my past self. I need to change my perspective, or I’ll drown in my regrets like the woman in the video was. I need to look at those dark parts of my life and understand I was trying my best.

You owe yourself the same.

Know that your past self is proud of who you are. You are yourself. Be proud. It’s what you would’ve wanted.

[pos-syscourse]

You don’t have to fix it.

I know, scrolling through all this, it’s easy to fall into traps. “I’ve got to respond to correct that,” or “I need to make sure they don’t hurt anyone else like I’ve been hurt.”

But that’s not your job. And often, continuing to push and help and do things is to your own detriment.

You don’t have to fix it. You aren’t supporting it by not fixing it; you’re supporting yourself and your health. You aren’t enabling the person by not correcting them; you’re enabling yourself to take care of shit.

Please. Care more about your health and less about those who couldn’t care less.

[pos-syscourse]

Remember: everyone is simply trying.

We all try our best. At what, who knows. But I believe firmly and without wavering that the majority of people in this world are doing their best to shape the world into something better.

Are we all doing that? No. Some people do actively make this world more hostile, more disgusting, more hateful.

But you have to remember that even those people are trying.

Don’t lose hope. Don’t let the spare few who actively want to make the world a worse place, win. You deserve hope.

Let’s work together to have hope. Let’s work together to try to make things better.

[pos-syscourse]

As upsetting as it is, it’s important to be prepared for hurt.

Syscourse is often hurtful. DID spaces are often hurtful. Endogenic spaces are often hurtful. You will get hurt online. That is a fact of online spaces; of every space, actually. Existence often means you risk getting hurt.

The thing is, hurt is okay. You’re allowed to be hurt! It’s part of life, and hurt happens. The thing is, you have survived this long; you can survive unkind words easily. You are strong and capable; unkindness online isn’t enough to stop you.

If you’re feeling distressed by these things, know that you can recover from the distress and be fine. If you feel you can’t handle it, that’s also okay! Take a step away, breathe, and do whatever it takes to feel safe.

Good luck out there. You’ve got this.