project-re

[project-re]

reverie

Looking at this private [monologue] blog of mine, it seemed like a diary of sorts. The content was vague that only I can understand, it contained most of my emotions at the given moment of time, then I had the luxury of breathing my emotions into life and while writing them, I came also to dwell things, and it which it brought me closure once I had finished. Rereading my posts made me remember the feelings, all those emotions hidden at those blogs.

Back then, I was pining for two person, of course to each of their time, one of them loved me and gave me a shot of happiness being in love, and the other was one developed through time but never had the chance to continue, its endless possibilities was shut forever. It may have a shot, of course, but, who knows? It was not meant to be, but I felt happy to be taken care of even in the short amount period of time.

Now I came back here, looking at those posts I’ve written, I’ve realized that I’ve come far to what I am now. I am happily in love and taken care of to what I would say, fate’s play on me.

This post is for him:

I never thought of him as someone whom I would see to spend my life with, I see him as a friend, whom I know I can rely on.

But fate has other plans for both of us.

At the time that I was willingly to try to be open to possibilities and to give love another chance, he came from a recent heartbreak whom, of course, he thought that he would spend his life with. I was feeling a bit flirty with him, nothing really serious, but he, on the other hand, was looking afar from what I have obviously had sights on that time.

The first few months I had with him was ugly. I want him of course, but I kept hurting him in ways I know I can hurt him. Way back I still had the grandiose feeling of satisfaction, that I can still flirt and I’m still effective and of course, can have my ways with a person. While him, he has this steel resolve to achieve me, even though he thought at one time, that I’m draining and it tires him. Of course, with that toxic trait of mine, I also would not pursue myself and dropped midway.

But he did not give up.

He never did.

Although I wanted to free him with that burden (which is me), I can’t bring myself to let him go.

But one night, it happened in an instant.

He basically erased his existence from me, he was ready to move on. He let me go. All because I also want him to let me go.

Way back, my emotions, and feelings towards him are all a mess, there was a blurred line, a vague feeling, uncertainty to everything. That I had felt from those moment.

But after letting him go, there was only one thing that was certain.

A piece of me died when I set him free.

I realized my mistake immediately, I reached for him, grabbed him again, hoping that he would also reach and grasp me.

Thankfully, he did.

After that, I still haven’t appreciate his importance, I kept hurting him again, and I know he’s questioning everything. Does keeping him by my side again a good idea?

This time, I also reached, gradually to him. Until it all paid off on the night of my birth.

I missed him, so much, that I realized.

I finally had the courage to say, and to mean it;

‘I love you.’

Love, I know we still have our ups and downs, and we are still knowing ourselves. I’m happy I reached for you, and you grabbed my hand, giving us the second chance. I did not regret everything, and I would still choose you over and over. As my partner, and the one I’ve seen growing old with. I love you, so much. I would not trade you for the world.

[project-re]

resign

Where do i even start?

It’s been a while since I last checked on my emotions such as these. Because I think there’s no need, and I can still hold onto it firmly. In those years, my mind and emotions are floating like.. for some time, like a serene thing wading its way peacefully across the tranquil waters.

Basically, on those years, I know what I want. I can resolve it without checking myself deep, but now.. It’s all different. My head’s been on places I did not know where it goes. It wanders aimlessly to things, it is ending up poorly.

Back then when everything’s normal, there’s what you call ‘certainty’ where in even though the hurdles in life is hard, you know you would overcome it, no matter what happens.

This is totally different now. And its hitting me hard, that I can’t even keep up.

Right now, I’m up to take the last hurdle thrown at me. I can’t concentrate. My heart is at its continuous tempest. The thing I feared: 'uncertainty’ has its ugly head peeking at me. The pressure from external and internal forces come at play to me.

And I’m afraid that..

I have to give in.

— No one, in their right mind wants to fail. Humans crave for success.

But there are things that failure would give you that success would not.

The feeling of wrath and vengeance for next time. The continuous fuel of resentment to self, to be better to another opportunities thrown at oneself are there when you fail. Success does not give you that. It only gives you the smug satisfaction of oneself, knowing that you are doing better than most. Like a pat on a back on a job well done.

I crave for failure. Because of all the eyes, the expectations at me. I know myself, I poorly perform under scrutinizing eyes, I know failure is next when this happens. I want to release the tension the pressure it builds on me.

I don’t want anyone to look at me. I want to disappoint everyone expecting of me.

I haven’t felt this since when I started high school. I know myself. I want that ugly fuel to give me the drive. The success of others while I fail myself is what will push me to the edge.

A question I constantly ask myself these days: Should I give in to fate at failures? Or try to fight and see the bitter end of it?

The second option is quite futile. But I will try.

I’ll try.

[project-re]

regress

to come back to former state. How i wish it would be the same, being able to live on imaginary scenarios like this: i'm going on duty, you're duty too, we bicker on trivial things, we had fun on our own time, i never think of anything deep, future is a distant thing, i find you attractive, i developed feelings, something stronger than infatuation. I finished my rotation, i never got to confess, i regret it. fuck. i was going to confess... i want to, but im scared. to this day im still a chicken, my vicious cycle of regret and wishful thinking would never end. I just want to go back when i had our time together. That's all. It was fun while it lasted, but i think i had to let it go... but... I'll always hold you dear, I think I'll always come back to you. I love you, I'll always...love you.

[project-re]

revisit

it's like the pensieve on harry potter movies, there are some memories that needed to be seen again. so that there would be that reminder as to where you came from, i saw once more my posts, receipts, made up stories from the past that helps me remember the things i've already forgotten in the stream of time. as i was doing this, i felt a bit of sadness on me, as if, the forgotten feelings are coming back again. but then again, it's only a memory, a part of me in the past, me in the past. while im on it, there's a bit in me that wished that everything would come back to me, to you, my love, but, i cannot, you cannot, and we both could not. maybe, if, just if, there's another chance, another shot at love at us, i won't hesitate, i swear, for you are my slipped love, the one they say that got away. i truly loved you. i may not harbor any feelings for you as of the moment, but i truly loved you. you are one of a kind, bby. you'll always be my poetic man, and no one will ever replace you.

[project-re]

reconstruct

there are some things that we can’t help ourselves but to be involved and no matter what we do, we cannot get away with it. It feels like this has been a part of you, even though you don’t like it for certain reasons, it helped you to become you of what you are now.

I’m reading this blog again and started to think, if i haven’t done stupid things in the past, well, what am i now? If i never experienced love, well, what would be of me if that thing comes around some time? Well if that ever come though, but i know one thing, that i am a creature capable (as well) of loving and giving it all, regardless of anything.

[project-re]

Reminisce

And yeah, 1 AM thoughts, back when I was still working, or rather busy, I stumbled onto the most beautiful thing I had: unexpected friendship. For me, adjusting to a new environment is the biggest challenge I had to face, there are things that are not always in constant. Change, is permanent and forever. As for my new environment, I get to see new faces, and bond with them, in which you later call as 'friends'. It was always a hard time adjusting, there is something new in everyday, and like I'd said, change is permanent. I reminisce to the part that I've met great friends, that I've come to mix and match with them, fun stuff by the way. And there was you. Yes, you. I never thought that you'll be a great part for my new environment. I'm not physically attached to you, but the actions made me think otherwise. In fact, I'm having a hard time to accept what's really going on me, but I have to accept, because I have no other choice. I wanted to ran away from it, though it will haunt me for the rest of my life. To tell you, this is not the end of my story, but maybe for you, it has. And sadly, I have to leave you on that chapter so that I could get to move on.

[project-re]

Regret.

Yep. And because its already 1 in the morning that’s why I’m doing this.

I took a pause of what am I currently doing, and decided to scroll down to my old screenshots and saw this, it was not happy, in fact, I didn’t want this conversation to go on, I wanted this to stop. This person is giving back the heart I’ve already given, as I was about to hold it again back to me, my hands, unwillingly, held on it but, shattered once it touched my palms.

Back in those days, I held on this person, trusted him with what I have, gave him the time, because it is the only precious thing that I can give at that moment (and presently, as well). We we’re together for a short time, and I am happy, although this separation is inevitable, I’m glad that I felt myself being one source of happiness to one person.

Up to this time. Sometimes I feel the regret of not holding on to him. But, I believe that every departure, there should one arrives.

If you ever stumble on this:

For that person;

Thank you for being the part of my life, we are meant to fall for each other, but not forever, I guess. Even though I feel the regret of letting you go, the time helped me, actually to accept everything, that we are not made that way, I sometimes hope, that we would end up being together, when it’s that time, when we meet each other again, for when we are perfect.

Thank you for exposing me as to what am I capable of, that I am a person capable of loving. You are that part of me that I would never forget.

And if we don’t happen to pass again to our lives, I’ll wish the happiness you’ll deserve.

There are no regrets of meeting you as well, I think that I regret that I gave you up because of reasons.

Loving you, for whatever you wished.

[project-re]

rewind

I aimlessly search for rewind quotes online, and its always the same, play, pause, stop, and rewind. We always wanted to be happy, and we choose to rewind happiness. 

Well, nobody wanted to be sad anyways, but sadness has been our company. 

[project-re]

reborn

i.e brought back to life. What is it to be alive, and to live again? I always wanted to go out, seek for adventure. Meet new people, go to new places, learn something or two beyond the walls. I dream of this life. I want it so badly. But sometimes, it is not given at the moment. I believed that if I have the chance to be free of any constrictions, maybe, just maybe, I can taste the living the life. The simple pleasure that will make me smile, or you, who knows? Right now, I'm stuck in this status quo, trying to survive everyday. Living the dull life until freed. Becoming a new person once it happens. Living the life you wanted is fascinating.