prusikknots

[prusikknots]

I am… really really sad. I feel like I’m doom spiraling. I can’t get this upcoming biopsy of this thing in my throat out of my mind. I’m scared that it’s going to come back as something bad and I’ll need extensive surgery, and I’ll have no one at all to help me recover or anything.

I have no one left. And I feel like I’m only a burden to anyone I would reach out to. I barely talk to anyone anymore. I wish I was close to someone.

I feel so sad and alone.

[prusikknots]

Being shown how completely useless you are, how you’re not worthy of being given a real chance or being loved equally, to someone you poured your heart out to is a experience that will last me the rest of my life.

[prusikknots]

It’s depressing being reminded you are nothing in the eyes of people who were everything to you.

[prusikknots]

There is nothing more depressing than being given up on or having your worst trigger (being left in favor of other people) over and over and over…

I just want to be good enough. I try so hard to help people achieve their goals and help them be happy. Why am I always coming up short?

[prusikknots]

[prusikknots]

[prusikknots]

I am reminded constantly that everyone around me treats me and thinks of me as insignificant. No matter how much I either value them or once valued them in my life and the sheer joy they once brought me, I feel I am reduced to nothing. I’ve been told and shown countless times by dozens of people that I’m not worth keeping in any capacity or loved or desired to have around. People have told and shown me they just do not care, no matter how much I am hurting or how hard I’m willing to work on improving things. I’m always the first to give and help, but no one is ever in my corner when I need someone. I haven’t had anyone to turn to in years. The very few I’ve ever felt like I could turn to, they all say that I’m too needy and insecure, yet would once come to me in a similar or greater capacity seeking validation or love. And I would always give, because I genuinely felt that way.

I have never felt so depressed in my entire life. I’ve never felt so numb and devoid of motivation. I’ve receded from everyone’s life and no one ever contacts me or asks me to spend time or anything. I used to be an enjoyable person, I’ve lost my spark and my will. I miss feeling joy and love.

I miss feeling safe.

I desire to love with my entire heart without fear of abandonment or ridicule.

[prusikknots]

I would rather die alone and obscure than feel like I’m only optional. I don’t need anyone to need me, I just want someone to want me like I want them.

[prusikknots]

Am I still the moon? Or is that mentioning someone else? 😞

[prusikknots]

I feel so disconnected from everything.

I want to reach out, but I’m scared to.

I was told not to.

I have a feeling, despite all of the imagery relating to me, it has nothing to do with me at all. That it’s just a coincidence and I’m stupid for even looking or thinking that.

I’m afraid of being alone again for another birthday.

[prusikknots]

What I would give just to gently hold again

[prusikknots]

I am still so fucking sad. I don’t want to do this anymore.

[prusikknots]

3 days into reactivating my dating profiles and I’m already on the verge of deactivating them again. It’s so demoralizing to me.

Feeld: 90% poly, casual, and ENM, which is not what I’m looking for at all.

Tinder: bots, people just looking to hookup (likely also bots), or matches that don’t message or respond back. Just like last time.

FB Dating: matches that never respond, or their profile says to add on IG and they never message back because they’re just looking to get traffic to their OF or whatever.

All three also bring in dominatrix women, which is a weirdly consistent thing I’ve been getting every time I join. Wtf kind of energy do I put off?

The ones that give me instant ick, no matter what else is on their profile or how they look, is ‘god first’ or ‘child free.’ Instant swipe left.

Maybe I should try OKCupid. Or maybe I shouldn’t be trying to see people still and keep isolating. I’m already extremely discouraged and demoralized after just a few days.

lol my dumbass really thought I’d be going a casual route or doing OF content with mutuals or something. My desire for sex and intimacy has tanked so hard 😭 I feel so fucking broken now. The third time my ex moved onto some other dude, and then was open about her hookup when she kept me hidden for so long, really fucked me up mentally. I was raging so much because I truly thought differently of her. I still do in a way, and I get now why she did certain things, but still. It still hurt to be given up on, and to not see how her words over many months wore me down. We already had a relationship, why couldn’t we be doing our own thing and what we needed to do in our own lives while also being there for each other? Why was that so difficult???

I’ve never felt this defeated before, even after the first time she left me. I feel like damaged goods, but with a weird sense of clarity and calmness. Therapy is helping me see the why with my actions, I just wish she understood my angle and could have empathy enough to see that repair is truly doable. To hear her say she didn’t remember how much hurt we processed and all the good times we did have, that shook me. To say she only saw it as suffering, it felt dehumanizing.

It makes me not want to get close to people ever again. That’s why I hardly ever reach out or text people anymore. No one wants me around, so what’s the point? Why should I bother anyone to spend time with me if no one is hitting me up wanting to hang out?

[prusikknots]

I don’t see the point of sleeping around when there’s no stability. I got so angry and bitter recently because I put so much of my projected self image onto the relationship I shared with someone I loved very much, and when they rejected me and slept with someone else so quickly, again, it destroyed me and I simultaneously grew resentment towards them for treating me like I was disposable and loathing for myself for every single thing I ever did and said to them, like not giving space and pushing to resolve things quickly so it wouldn’t stagnate.

[prusikknots]

I hate feeling like I’m rejected, broken, damaged goods. I hate feeling like I wasn’t good enough, that I was abandoned for some random hookup, it hurts a lot. I felt I was worth more than that, and it destroyed what little self worth I had left for myself. I thought I was worth more than that.

[prusikknots]

Now that I think more about it, I’m kinda tired of how my ex constantly made me feel dehumanized by using such extreme wording and phrases pertaining to me, like suffering whenever we would argue after she would express wanting to date and sleep with other people. Yeah, we unfortunately argued semi-often because I never felt like our relationship was safe, and I was pushy to resolve our issues because I couldn’t handle the constant push and pull. I was doing the best I could with being consistent with how I felt and what I desired, I never changed that. She changed day to day, sometimes within a conversation, and it was extremely triggering for me. I tried so hard to make it work, and I ended up self destructing when she abandoned me and quickly did what she did. It was hurtful, and then when we reconnected and to find out she did it again destroyed me.

Or how she would search for reasons to not trust me, and would point the finger at me if I made comments or liked pictures on Twitter, despite being a sex worker herself. I never reached out to others during our entire relationship, and it wasn’t okay how much it was pointed out that I was flirting around. Sometimes I would play flirt, but in obvious ways, sometimes I would comment non-flirty things and it would be taken as flirting. It wasn’t till near the end that she pointed out she would scope my likes on Twitter as some kind of reassurance that I was untrustworthy.

Liking a pic, following sex workers on social media, or watching porn is not cheating. Being expressively flirty or reaching out to other sex workers is. Subbing to other Onlyfans is a grey area, but I would consider cheating if it bothered my partner enough. I haven’t had an OF in over a year, so that’s a moot point for me.

Hearing her sum up our entire relationship and diminish the growth we had, the good times we did spend, the times I spent with her daughter, to say it was all suffering for her has made me feel like such worthless shit for so long. I have brief moments like this where I find my self worth and see I’m a decent person, but then I fall backwards and get depressed again.

There’s a lot of misconceptions to be had. All we had to do was sort out shit out, but I was too pushy and she was too skittish.

I wish it was different. I miss my friend so much. Not one single friend since has remained consistent in any way with me, not one single person has been there for me when I really needed someone. I’ve been isolated from absolutely everyone for months now, and I’m almost starting to find enjoyment in it. I hate that.

[prusikknots]

It’s weird not being horny anymore… like, the past couple months has been a drastic difference compared to most of my life of horniness. Being alone, I was kinda sorta always looking, but now, my drive is almost completely shot. My heart really was set for one person, and once she turned me down, I haven’t had a drive to seek any kind of closeness (friendship or otherwise) from anyone. I’m still struggling to find happiness in being alone, but I’m finding it. And that scares me. I don’t want to die alone, but I’m also so demoralized to keep searching at all.

I have a couple dating profiles that I cycle in and out of, but I’ve ghosted the very few matches I do get. I’ve even apologized once, saying that I was sorry and I’m normally not someone that does this, but I’m just not ready to be close with anyone.

I know my ex is now months along with sleeping with and dating other people, doesn’t give me a second thought whatsoever and won’t return a single email, text, call, nothing. and I’m struggling so hard emotionally. I’ve had offers to shoot, hook up, and I just fucking can’t do it. The only woman I pursued post-breakup flaked on me constantly and ditched me for another roommate, and I’ve just given up completely.

I followed signs from the universe and I only got hurt, I’ve lost my faith completely when I worked so hard to gain my faith in the first place. I was a complete non-believer, then was forced to believe once I couldn’t deny the correlations and signs, only to be the one left behind and hated amongst everyone. My exes think I’m a narc, my ex wife thinks I’ve been whoring around since (definitely haven’t), I don’t keep contact with most friends I have left because I’m self-sabotaging them all since the vast majority left me over the last few years, I don’t feel like I have much left.

Except for my job, which is going amazingly well for once. I’m about to interview for a permanent government job soon where they just negotiated higher benefits, pension, everything, in a city with a near zero crime rate. If all goes well, I’ll be in a major step forward towards affording a fucking house by myself, which is unheard of. I wanted a partner with hobbies and/or a self employed job so goddamn bad because I know she will be happy with focusing on her own thing, school, and kids while I work a job I genuinely love and make sure we’re all provided for.

My heart hurts. I miss people that don’t think of me anymore, who I’ve either not spoken to or seen in months now. I feel completely worthless and I feel like I’d be better off dead. I don’t think people would miss me, because people already have shown they don’t give a shit whether I’m here or not. I’ll be no more than a passing thought, and I’ll be forgotten in a short time.