ptsdkath

[ptsdkath]

Idk why I’m even screaming into a void like this because nobody will ever give a flying fuck about masculine women or gay people and the world’s not suddenly going to start being kind and treating people like people

[ptsdkath]

And even the one place that I thought understood that oppression isn’t a fun little club where people can get kicked out if they step a toe out of line, all think in the exact same sexist ways and I’m fucking sick of it

For a while I thought, okay maybe there are some people who care, but actually nah I was right nobody on the entire planet cares about women like me because they all eat up the lies that men use to whip us in line and keep us from helping each other and fighting back

[ptsdkath]

Didn’t hate myself for being gay until I joined tumblr, now I can’t even feel safe in my own body, I feel so fucking violated and predatory and disgusting and worthless and I want to die and I fucking despise you all

[ptsdkath]

Hey just wondering but do you know the toll it takes when people create and share all these kind sweet loving gentle posts and “you’re worthy” and “please take care of yourself” etc., and then turn around and tell you things like you’re worthless / deserve to be raped / deserve to be brutalized / laugh at and hope for your suicide / etc. due to either the fact that you’re gay or the fact that you aren’t fucking sexist

(this is a trick question of course everyone knows, they enjoy hurting people who they think “deserve” it for being a disgusting homosexual or a horrifically evil person who believes sexism like, actually exists and isn’t Oppression Lite™ )

Like I can’t see posts like that / can’t hear people say that stuff without feeling worse because I know there’s a good chance they feel the exact opposite way about me

[ptsdkath]

Frustrating things:

When you’re having suicidal feelings but you know you don’t want to die yet, and you’re having the urge to self-harm but you know that won’t do jack shit, and you know you could try healthy coping mechanisms but you’re in the state of mind where you feel like it won’t fucking help, and you’re all alone and hate / distrust everybody because the world chewed you up and spat you out and doesn’t give a fuck about you and doesn’t care to treat you kindly and you won’t sit pretty and silent and submissive while people spit on you, so you’re just stuck feeling angry and hurt and alone and helpless and trapped

Bonus points: the world makes you feel like you’re a selfish evil bitch who deserves to die because a.) you stand up for yourself, b.) you’re a sinful homosexual who needs to either be fixed or stfu about your disgusting “close-minded” sexuality, or c.) you’re not evil enough to worship sexism

[ptsdkath]

also a big fuck you to everyone on this blue hellscape for not actually caring about oppressed groups and for advocating for rape. y’all are evil and I hope you all simultaneously realize what you’ve been doing and the guilt hits you so extremely hard and you feel every last bit of the agony you’ve inflicted on other people

[ptsdkath]

for the first time I’m almost wishing I could just let someone hurt me so I won’t always fucking be alone

[ptsdkath]

Not a single person on this entire planet gives a shit about masculine women and I want to die

[ptsdkath]

Now that’s what I call,

Some Ableist Bullshit

[ptsdkath]

if you’re constantly struggling to keep your weight down and you gain easily, you’re probably not at your body’s natural set point weight. 

the set point is range of about 10 lbs where your body is in an energy balanced state, and it will fight to stay in that range. if you’re below it, you’ll gain easily; if you’re above it (in our culture this is rare except in certain weight specific sports) you’ll lose easily. 

so if for example i say that calories in excess of your energy needs would never go “straight to your thighs”, but would be burned off by processes like non-exercise activity thermogenesis, and you think “well i know from experience that if i eat more i gain weight”, you’re very likely under your body’s set point weight, and probably in an energy deficit. 

weight suppression can work in the short term, but in the long term all of your metabolic pathways will coordinate to pull your body back up to its set point range.

your choice is either to fight that long, unhealthy, and doomed battle for weight suppression, or to accept the weight your body sits at naturally and get on with living.

[ptsdkath]

real love is sweet and warm like honey and you all deserve this kind of love

[ptsdkath]

I’m so goddamn mad that oil companies have known climate change is real for decades and did everything to stop people from acting on it. I want to burn their offices down. I want to throw their CEOs into a fucking pit. The world is being destroyed because some filthy rich fucks saw the end coming and figured making money off it was better than saving it. That’s pure evil, plain and simple.

[ptsdkath]

When your unit test passes because you wrote it wrong.

[ptsdkath]

Everybody:

dance now

was kung fu fighting

wants to be a cat

[ptsdkath]

I am, if you couldn’t guess, open to better suggestions

[ptsdkath]

[ptsdkath]

things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015