purplelvr

[purplelvr]

Pretending.

tw!!!! Implied suicide attempt and talks of child abuse and neglect.

My mother formally left me when I was 11 years old. She had recently tried to end her life after years of alcoholism, which led to affairs, which led to the divorce papers lying on our dining room table. She lived, of course, but afterward she left me. Once she did, I started to pretend she had died that day, because it was easier than dealing with the fact that she didn't want me. Anyway, it’s been years since. I’m an adult now, still living with my sister, who gained guardianship due to my father’s incompetence. My mother has recently started coming over since my sister had a child. It’s strange. Sometimes I look at her and really see my mom, the one I’ve grieved over and over again. I think of when I was younger, and she had the smallest presence in my life she could and had to take me to appointments. She’d sit filling out my paperwork and all I wanted to do was hate her. Think “how could you do this to me”, but instead I’d pretend the opposite from before, that all is normal. She never left. Never destroyed parts of myself I’m still unable to fix. In hopes, I could soothe the part of me that yearned for her. The more she comes over, I find myself falling into the habit unconsciously. Falling asleep and dreaming of her as a good mother. My mother. Instead, I wake to a house she doesn’t even live in and a deeper whole in my heart.

[purplelvr]

“The Driver” by Jordan Bolton

My first book ‘Blue Sky Through the Window of a Moving Car’ is out now! Order it here - https://smarturl.it/BlueSky

[purplelvr]

On Friendship.

[purplelvr]

My friend posted a picture of her parents, and I just now saw it. Do you ever look at your loved one’s parents and only ever see little fractions or pieces of them? Like I love them so much that when I see the faces of the ones who made them, I immediately search for theirs. It brings me so much joy when I can piece together the features that make up the face I know and love.

[purplelvr]

Saw this a couple months ago and still think about it from time to time. I now admire the glow of others, sometimes people I already love, when they aren’t preforming just being.

[purplelvr]

this is the cutest thing ever.

Getting a weird little hobby is actually so important bc it opens your eyes up to the world. You start crocheting or knitting, and now you see scarves and sweaters differently. You try identifying plants, now you’re seeing opposite and alternate leaf pattern. Bird watching? Every chirp draws attention and interest.

Get into weird little hobbies.

[purplelvr]

the way stopping just for a single second and really looking can make all the difference never ceases to amaze me

To The Substitute Art Teacher - Jordan Bolton

Pre-order my new book ‘Blue Sky Through the Window of a Moving Car’ here - https://smarturl.it/BlueSky