rainyrainbow999

[rainyrainbow999]

shooting myself in the back of the head so my suicide looks suspicious and i waste everyones time

[rainyrainbow999]

everybody dies is maybe the best tv ending ever the idea that there are people who watched it that say “oh yeah the house finale is like? fine? i guess?? it doesn’t really tie everything up though” hello?????? house is presented with every element of his life that the show has ever deemed important to him and asks “which of these, as an ending, could actually make him happy?” first is drugs. he tries heroin, doesn’t work. it’s facile. shallow. not the answer. his addiction wasn’t a choice and has only ever been destructive. it doesn’t define him. it isn’t at all what he’s living for. it can’t be his ending. second is medicine. a puzzle always gives him a buzz. but not forever. it’s superficial. inconsequential. pointless. he needs it to stave off misery, but it doesn’t fulfil him. third is love. “i know you believe in love.” but he’s fucked up every romantic relationship he’s ever had. it’s idiotic to think he could ever sustain one. it’s a fantasy. can’t be that either. fourth is suicide. an escape from all his pain and suffering. a simple resignation. but it’s empty and he’s scared of it. he doesn’t want to die, but he hasn’t found anything to live for, either. he thinks, there’s nothing, then. so he lies there, in the flames. he can’t find a solution and so resigns himself to none. he’ll let the fire choose to take him. until he realises that that’s cowardly. he has to choose his own ending. there has to be meaning to it. so maybe he’ll choose to just continue with his life, as it was, in misery. or maybe he can change. maybe if he chooses to live he can find some meaning, somewhere. maybe. so he decides to get up and leave the burning building, distantly hoping happiness is out there for him somewhere. then he sees wilson. number five. the answer is wilson. and it always has been. he’s the only thing house has been able to consistently love. the only thing that truly fulfils him. the only thing that completely defines who, at his heart, house is. and so he chooses to destroy everything else - every other reason he spent his life thinking he was living for - for wilson. it was all just transport, taking him here. to this happiness. to his happiness. to his ending. to wilson.

[rainyrainbow999]

put them in a room together and see who commits suicide first

[rainyrainbow999]

Okay but actually if House and Wilson are having sex the whole time… it’s bleak.

- you fall in love with a man after his divorce. maybe he loves you too?

- he gets married to a woman. he doesn’t even like her. she knows about you two.

- you meet someone. she seems great, until she overrides your consent to save your life. it saves your life. it destroys your life. it ruins your ability to trust.

- you basically give up on looking for someone else. you can’t really be with your boy best friend, but at least he’s protective in a way you trust.

- wife # 2 comes and goes. wife #3 comes and goes. she’s never more important than you. except for being the wife.

- you think he’s stopped trying to find a long-term partner other than you. it only hurts a little when he finds stupid short-term flings.

- you offer to be a sperm donor for a friend / former flame trying IVF. she excitedly involves you in the process even if she doesn’t want your sperm. maybe this is how you get a family.

- she stops.

- your boy best friend starts seeing someone new. he actually likes her this time—because she actively reminds him of you. you can’t decide whether this is better or worse.

- you decide it’s better. you come to a “strange detente” with her. he’s happy. you’re mostly happy but you sabotage them a bit. lightheartedly. mostly.

- she gets in an accident because of you. your boy best friend is trying to protect you until you all realize it’s her.

- he asks you to risk your life to save her. you’ve always needed to go to extremes, in a desperate situation like this. he knows that. but he may also value her life over yours.

- you do it. it fails. he leaves.

- at least your old flame is there and you’re not completely alone.

- you’re bad at being vulnerable, but you ask him to stay. he leaves.

- you figure out that he is just scared. you make up.

- your old flame adopts a child, but you are not involved in any way.

- you begin to hallucinate. you fear this will result in losing your boy best friend. when you check into Mayfield, you believe that it has.

- but when you move out, you move in with him. you don’t really care if he has sex with the neighbor. you’ve been having sex with other people the whole time, and honestly the competition is kind of hot.

- you settle in. no more dating. he furnishes your apartment, and the one thing he picks? a way of saying he wants you.

- you don’t have a conversation about the relationship, but you’re pretty sure you’re essentially married now. you two have always felt that actions speak louder than words anyways.

- then he dates his ex-wife who used the hell out of him. you spiral, hostile and angry.

- he’s never going to see you and him as a real relationship. you’re never going to be good enough in that way. never never never

- your old flame is falling in love with someone else. you get jealous.

- she decides her feelings for you are greater. it’s your one last shot at a partnership. you can’t screw it up

- but deep down you know

- you know you’ll never be good enough

- she just hasn’t figured it out yet

- she figures it out

- you spiral, but this time it’s a free fall

- by this point, you know the dirty little secret of your life. your boy best friend will never be with you, but he’ll never leave you either. you tell him to do whatever he needs to do to get over it. he does.

- he has cancer. treatment doesn’t work.

- you’ve lived in pain, physical and emotional, for decades. he won’t live in pain for two years for you.

- you believe a miserable life is better than a miserable death. he believes a merciful death is better. you have never been able to reconcile this one fundamental difference between you.

- you never will

- the repetition becomes trite: you spiral

- it’s going to cost you everything. you should just give up.

- you find another way out. you fake your death to share his last five months with him.

- you run away together

- everyone will say you were selfish. an ass. they will say you never thought of anyone but yourself. they will say your boy best friend sacrificed and sacrificed. they will never see what you gave to him.

- story of your life

[rainyrainbow999]

Inspired by the post by @oddlittlestories about Wilson touching House's sensitive points--specifically, the mention of the strongyloides patient and the afterlife. This is something I've been stewing on for awhile.

I don't think House's issue with the afterlife and the strongyloides patient was solely stemming from his own personal obsession or ongoing issues with suicidality related to his disability.

4x03, 97 Seconds, is only four episodes after 3x22 Resignation, in which House discovers Wilson has been taking antidepressants and it's implied Wilson has been struggling with his depression and simultaneously refuses to tell House anything about it, no matter how House pries. House makes his own inferences, that this is either a new thing or a change in prescription because of worsening depression, but Wilson deflects when he tries to ask. It's one of Wilson's sensitive points. We learn (and House explicitly observes later) that Wilson shuts down particularly painful topics, mostly relating to loss, and this is one that he shuts down hard and fast by accusing House of not caring about him.

House, true to character when it comes to all things Wilson, assumes the worst. We don't know what Wilson is actually going through, that's left to be guessed at by the audience, but we do know that House has been effectively shut out while continuing to be concerned.

And then, only a few episodes later, we get two different patients: a man who experienced cardiac arrest and replicates it in front of House for the thrill, and a physically disabled man who discusses being free of his mortal body. We see House and Wilson have exchanges about both of these patients. First, about the knife in the outlet patient:

House repeatedly tries to draw Wilson back to the topic of suicidality, why? how? what was the plan? and Wilson repeatedly avoids the topic until he gives up and leaves the scene sooner than have the conversation. My read: The implication is that Wilson at some point in the past (whether or not this is recent past or long past, we don't know) dealt intimately with suicidal ideation that makes him uncomfortable, either personally or with a family member (maybe his brother). House takes this as confirmation.

So then, this scene is followed up later in the episode, where Wilson and House together are with the disabled strongyloides patient, who is telling them he does not want cancer treatment. The patient says death will be a relief--in front of Wilson, House looks at him before he addresses the patient. It triggers a knee-jerk reaction, anger.

House recognizes he oversteps and leaves the patient, but the argument continues between him and Wilson in the hallway. It goes much deeper than trying to talk a terminally ill man into living a few months longer, because the argument isn't really about him; he's just a narrative vessel for this conversation between these two characters.

The most popular read for this exchange is that House is arguing for himself, that he thinks misery isn't a good enough reason to take his life and he is telling himself that death isn't a worthy escape (which is definitely a valid read of the scene). But given the recent context of Wilson's depression, his utter refusal to share anything with House and therefore the audience, his complete discomfort with the suggestion of suicidal ideation and all the big questions like why and how and what for... I don't think House's actions after this scene are for House.

We have this argument where Wilson is arguing in defense of a man who is passively suicidal. "You don't know death isn't better, you can't know, death could be better. There could be a solace after all of this, you don't know." If this conversation is framed in context of Wilson being depressed and having potentially been suicidal, he's not defending the patient--he's defending himself, for having had those thoughts. And House is arguing with him, against those thoughts. Wilson's conclusion is you can't go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.

Of course House's conclusion is to go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.

This is the song playing while House contemplates what he needs to do.

Starting over anew without a partner, not knowing how to make sense of things, becoming a new terrified person in lieu of someone who is supposed to be there--that's where his mind is. He goes to look at the electrical outlet patient, just staring in silence. What could be so good that it needs to be revisited? He must be wrong. (Note that at no point does House ever share with Wilson that the electrical outlet patient's claim that death was the best 97 seconds of his life--he asks Wilson why but never follows up with the answer.)

So House pages Amber and tries to try to kill himself, as convoluted as it sounds, so he can know the afterlife isn't good. So he can have proof. So he'll have evidence. He'll know it sucks, even worse than Detroit, they can't have this argument again.

House says it explicitly. "You insisted that I needed to see for myself." He had to know.

House wants to talk about what he experienced. He deliberately seeks out someone who will understand, asks for that person specifically, he wants to share. But with Wilson, he digs in his heels. Entrenched. We see that Wilson is generally the person House shares personal things with, such as the suspected identity of his biological father, he goes directly to Wilson after Dominika leaves in S8, he seeks him out throughout the Stacy arc in S2, pesters him while the fellows are fleeing in S3 even after the Tritter arc, his soft place to land during and after rehab in S6--Wilson is House's number one confidant.

Not on this subject. He refuses to say anything, except, "I love you." He doesn't respond to Wilson's criticism that he's already had near-death experiences before; he doesn't bite at any of the bait. Not talking about it. The person he wants to share with isn't there, so he doesn't share, not even with Wilson. The only thing we get as the audience is his dialogue to the corpse at the end of the episode.

This is also not something he shares with Wilson. Too much of a sensitive spot, too tender.

But all leading to my conclusion that... House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket for himself. As Wilson points out, House has had multiple near-death experiences. He doesn't need to almost die to find out what happens. He's already seen it. He already knows.

The character who has most recently displayed new depressive tendencies in this context isn't House. Wilson is the one refusing to discuss his mental health, ostensibly taking new psych drugs or minimally increasing the dosages, becoming uncomfortable with conversations about the difficult questions of suicide, and verbally defending a man's desire to die to end the mortal coil.

House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket to fight release for himself. He's been in chronic pain for a decade at this point, it hasn't changed, he has treated patients with self-destructive tendencies in the interim with no impact to his own mental health. This event didn't strike at a vulnerable time for House; it struck at a time when House knows Wilson is struggling, specifically when he has already tried to offer help and Wilson accused him of not caring. He had to do something.

House put the knife in the outlet to fight for Wilson. To have evidence, to talk him down. "See? I proved it. There's nothing. Now you know for sure. Now you have to stay with me."

That would be too saccharine. But he says, "I love you," and that's what he means.

[rainyrainbow999]

this is my agenda ❤️

[rainyrainbow999]

progressive americans claim to hate america & yet there's something uncomfortably patriotic in their unshakeable belief that the entire world revolves around their country

[rainyrainbow999]

fucking wild when the show just. goes out and says the thing out loud

[rainyrainbow999]

patient dying in the name of toxic yaoi as it should be

[rainyrainbow999]

“Your pet would eat you if you died near it” yeah well so would a lot of people. My pet isn’t special. I give them food meal & never let them outside. Are they gonna open wet food themselves when I’m gone? Are you stupid? If I have to be the wet food to buy a little guy some time so be it. Fuck off

[rainyrainbow999]

wow okay so he's just wearing panties now

[rainyrainbow999]

[rainyrainbow999]

Your medium looks and your plain hair have captivated me mademoiselle

[rainyrainbow999]

do you ever see a “hot take” and you’re like ohhhhhhhhhhhhh critical thinking is a learned skill and op has not put in the practice

[rainyrainbow999]

it's like i am literally never going to own a house or find authentic love or escape the clutches of late stage capitalism so really what am i living for

[rainyrainbow999]

its always some fucking day in some fucking month in some fucking year isnt it

[rainyrainbow999]

the trick to a good insult is sort of talking around it and making them think so that it hits harder when they realize what you’re talking about