randominnerthoughts

[randominnerthoughts]

Wrong

Sorry this is long. I tried to break where you take a breath as you read.

Oh come on

There's nothing wron- There isn't?

Oh good

So you must feel it too

Tell me

Tell me what must I do?

What do you do

To escape this mind of yours

When you feel it batter against your shores

Do you freeze

Do you flee

Do you .

Until you bleed

Do you run until you

Die

Trying to

Fly

Away

From this horror in your mind

Do you also scream

Or Cry

Out

Into your night

Into your darkness

Saying that you're fine

It's so nice to see

That you're just like me

Because surely that's what you mean

When you say everything's alright.

Oh?

It's not?

So you lied

It's not alright

It's wrong

Everything is so

So

Wrong

[randominnerthoughts]

Writing Drabbles

Start your story with this: The frantic dogs… charged toward her with a vengeance. She tensed and lowered her stance, prepared to attempt to fight off the three dogs coming at her. “Get away from me whore! I won’t let you have my stuff!” the strange man shouted, his anger turning the frantic dogs feral. This was just a misunderstanding, but there was no way to communicate that to the man, not with the way her mouth was sewn shut. All she had on her was a sharpened stick that she had picked up from the ground a few minutes before, still completely naked from her recent escape. It would not be enough to get out of this unscathed.

The barren lands she was traveling through had few buildings left after the solar flares that seared the planet ten years ago. Scientists had kept tabs on a large meteorite that managed to crash into the sun. They had suspected that a large amount of magnetic energy resulted in several solar flares on an unprecedented level. The resulting heatwaves had created a domino effect leading to the downfall of the comforting society she loved to hate.

First came the worldwide power outages. The resulting anarchy from every electrical grid going dark led to riots in every city. People didn’t know how to function without electricity, and others took advantage of that. Next came the full brunt of the heatwave that scorched the crops, leading to food shortages. Along with the crops dying, there was also the rapid desertification of the world's forests. It was just a worldwide clusterfuck that created that post-apocalyptic hell that so many conspiracy theorists feared. All of that happened within a year. There was no way the governments could manage their countries when they couldn’t even govern themselves and could barely find a way to survive.

She was one of the lucky ones. The skills she learned from avoiding her abusive mother helped her survive after the world’s fall. Militia groups formed quickly, claiming territories in the cities and suburbs, forcing those who lived there to pay them for their protection or die in the harsh conditions of their new world. As soon as she realized what would happen, she packed a go-bag and got out of the little suburb town she lived in and aimed for the desert. There were fewer people and more scaleable resources for herself.

Of course, by this point, she hadn’t perfected the art of being light on her feet and was caught rather quickly on her way out. The local militia grabbed her as she was on her way out and held her at their home base for just over two months. They claimed that everyone under their protection had to pay a tax and because she was trying to run, she was running away from her tax. As punishment, her tax became her body. Every time one of the men felt the urge, they took it out on her. They raped her several times a day, ignoring her screams and pleas to stop. After two months, the “boss” got annoyed with her cries and ordered the men to find him a needle and thread. He had them hold her down and force her jaw together as they sewed her lips together.

That night she managed to escape and run into the desert with nothing but a stick she picked up off the ground and struck against a rock to bring to a point. What she didn’t realize was that there was a hermit not far out of the suburbs that had trained his three dogs to attack anyone that came near him, leading her to where she is now. The hermit didn’t seem in his right mind even if she could communicate with him.

[randominnerthoughts]

Maybe it Was Me

Hey.

What I’ve realized is I think I’ve been gaslighting myself. “No. you’re fine. You’re just being dramatic. Why would you think like that? That’s ridiculous.” I find ways to make my feelings seem invalid. “Other people have it way worse than you and they can pull through, they find ways to be happy. How can you say you feel this way when you have nothing to feel this way over?” I don’t even know how it got to this point. How did I get here? I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly emotionally aware person, thought I could understand my own emotions well enough. 

Maybe… maybe it's the people around me? Could it be that because normally, when I’m being a normal person, I seem very happy? I act very upbeat, easily excited, always have a smile on my face. Maybe I feel like, because I act in this way, others around me expect it? Is it that I think to myself “What is wrong with you? Why aren’t you acting normal? They expect you to be normal!” Is that the reason? Why I feel like if I show how I’m really feeling, I’m wrong?

I’m watching my friends right now, how they act and react to my presence. I’ve realized, they are all texting in a new group chat, one without me in it. I told them before that if I don’t feel like my normal self I will pull away so I don’t bring the mood of the group down. I always get my mood swings and hormone spikes the week before my period, and last week I started pulling away again because I knew if I told them how I was feeling then I’d bring the others down. I didn’t want that. I never want someone to be upset when they were happy just because I’m there. I guess that they’ve had enough of me and how I act. Going out to breakfast together, hanging out as a group without me. Without me knowing. Without any warning or notification. 

Though to be fair, I did say that there was a new member in the group that I no longer liked. Maybe that was my mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything. Should have just kept silent. Maybe it is my fault that I don’t reach out first. Maybe I should be putting more effort in if I want to be their friend still. But… they also don’t reach out to me. I sat with a few of them for a meal the other day, it was quiet. It felt awkward, like… I wasn’t a part of the group the same way anymore. I’m sure they talk about me. I wonder what they say? Probably nothing that I want to hear. I know that just because I was there first doesn’t mean I’m going to be one of the bigger priorities but… maybe any priority? I didn’t think that just because I said that I didn’t like the newer member meant that I wouldn’t be one anymore. Maybe that was my own fault. Maybe it was me. 

[randominnerthoughts]

I’ll Always be Okay

Hey.

Ever feel like everyone around you just looks the other way when you need them most? I do. Watching as you feel the need to pull away and those around you just watch. They watch as you are pulled away by a riptide and do nothing about it. Screaming inside. Drowning. Suffocating. You can’t even call out. Can’t tell them what you are really thinking; really feeling. Can’t tell them that all you want is someone to listen because if you bring it up to them then how do you know if they are listening because they actually care? Actually want to? How do you know if they are only listening out of guilt or pity? 

You are screaming inside. All the silence you speak day-to-day translates to this scream of pain and frustration trapped inside. How can they expect you to ask for help when you can’t even hear yourself think over this overwhelming scream inside your head? 

You are drowning. If you open your mouth to scream out for help the water is going to rush in. How can they expect you to ask for help when the second you do, you just damn yourself by drowning faster? 

You are suffocating. Every. Single. Day. More and more gets added to the weight on your chest. Your lungs can’t take in as much air as they used to. How can they expect you to ask for help when all of the air you barely have is being used to keep you moving. 

I can push it away most days though. I can say “this doesn’t actually bother me. It's fine. I’m fine.” but some days… are harder than others. Every day that I push it away is another marble added to the pile sitting on my chest. Every time I say “I’m fine.” and think I believe myself, another marble. Every “I’ll get over it,” another marble. “I’m just being dramatic,” another marble. “It’s just my period hormones, I don’t actually feel this way; don’t actually think like this” or “You are being ridiculous, they don’t think like that, they are your friends.” Marble after marble gets added to the pile until eventually, I can’t breathe. But it’s ok! I’m ok! I’ll always be ok… right?