ravens-edge

[ravens-edge]

A Thought on Life

On quite a morose not, 2 days ago marks the anniversary of my mother's death. strangely enough I did not know until I got a message from the funeral home while I was at work. I went upon the day like it was any other. woke up, showered, got dressed, and went to work. I had completed some tasks and went to check my phone only to notice that I had a notification on my phone telling me that my family was in their prayers. I did not know what they were talking about at first. I was quite puzzled. and then the pieces snapped right together. the connections were made, and I looked at the date again only to realize that it was the first ever year anniversary date of my mother's parting into the afterlife.

grief is such a strange thing to me. I must admit I do not know how to process it properly. the day I found out that she had been in the accident and passed away at the hospital I was shaken. I did not know what to think. I had gotten a strange message from an account that had followed me a few weeks prior. the message read something along the lines of "[Raven], your mother is dead. she died in a car accident. here is the number for the funeral home. call them as soon as you can." Imagine the way someone feels hearing that. all of the thoughts running through my head. It had to be a prank. Who even is this person? how did they find out? how did they get my account? is this really the way I found out my mother was dead, if she was really dead?

and then i got a message on messanger. A text from my grandmother on my fathers side reading have you gotten the message from your father? my father is not a good person. I had cut contact with him when i was 14 because of a series of unspeakable things he did. i do not wish to go into any further detail about it. but yeah. my father lived in a different state so it was easy to forget about him. somehow he always popped up at the worst times though. like a period.

an off analogy but an accurate one i would say, at least for me. you go about your time as normal, enjoy a few weeks where your body is not angry with you. you have things planned. like a trip to a really cool place. maybe somewhere deep in the mountains mushroom hunting or something more modern such as going on vacation somewhere with a pool. you enjoy the time so much, so you forget about the impending thing that always seems to make its way around. and all of a sudden, since it came unexpectedly you feel the felling. if you are someone with periods, you know what i am talking about. you are not prepared whatsoever. no pads, no tampons, not even a cup. there is nothing. so instead of having a fun time swimming or hiking, you are having to worry about the giant stain that is going to be left over. my father is like that.

my mother and him had been divorced almost as long as i have been alive. why was he the first person to find out and not someone my mother actually knew? why was he following me on a hidden account and why out of all people was he the one, easily my least favorite person in the world, the person to have to tell me that my mom died?

today had me thinking about that. it had me thinking about how i had to be the person to tell the family who actually mattered that my mom died. that i was the next of kin, and that it was so close to christmas. i had never been a huge fan of it. but it was a year i really wanted to celebrate. a year where i wanted to spend time with my family. but now, each christmas that i have, i will be reminded that i found out my mom died 3 days before christmas and that she died 4 days before. just a month after my birthday i have to remember that my mom is dead. i have to deal with that for the rest of my life. why was she taken away the moment she was trying to get better?

death is an odd thing. something that everyone of us will have happen eventually. Maybe calmly in our sleep, sudden like my mother's car accident, or violently. all we can wish for is that it is not the latter 2. all the more reason to live your life as authentically as you can is, is it not? either way I suppose I am done rambling about this. it only took me 3 days to write. thank you if you were able to read this far! I realize it was quite a bit to take in.

[ravens-edge]

My Introduction or Whatever

I suppose this is as any good as any other intro out there. I'm not particularly good at introductions or communication in general. For the sake of anonymity, I'm just gonna go by Raven on here. it's not a much of a unique name for a goth person to use online so I figure it won't allow any sort of marker for whom I might be. I figured I should start a blog so that I can vent out some of my emotions and thoughts. I don't really talk to a lot of people about many ideas, questions, and such that come to mind and thought that maybe making a blog would be a good idea.

I got the idea from going to a meow wolf attraction with a friend and one of the characters in it did the same thing. My friend took me there for my birthday and I thought the whole experience was surreal. I had wanted to go there for a decent amount of time. At least a few years or so, I would say. and it was everything I could have wished for and more. I did not know that there was a mystery thing behind it. I was just under the impression that it was just a sort of fun house for teenagers and adults. from the pictures and videos that I saw I was just in awe. when I got there it was even more awe striking than I had imagined.

I think it is weird that such things like that can inspire someone to write and post thoughts online. I do not get out much. I just work and go home on a regular basis. Some stuff happened that kinda made me just want to isolate from everyone. I have been trying to get out more, but it seems that, as mentioned above, my poor communication skills and lack of ability to give a proper introduction can put quite the hinderance on such things. but anyways, being locked in the house, or just stuck at work prevents people from being able to get the life experience that shapes them so. I am only 21 and yet I feel somewhere suck between 45 and 16. I lack so many important life skills I feel that it makes me seem young and naive, yet with different life events I feel they have aged me in other ways as well.

I think that is another reason why I wanted to make a blog. so that I could get different perspectives on such things and get advice maybe, if anyone bothers to read such things. I know a lot of things I may talk about could come off as monotonous but not having many people to talk to this seems like the best idea for an outlet. I don't want to just talk about depressing boring things though I also want to just get different people's perspectives on life and different events that are going on. maybe someone will read what I have to say and find it interesting. who knows really?

this is a really long intro; I apologize but um yeah haha. I hope that this reaches the right people. it doesn't actually have to reach anyone but if it does, I hope that it's the right audience! if you do end up keeping up with whatever the hell this'll turn out to be, apologies for the audhd ramblings. it's going to be very jumbled, long, and everywhere.