readmydairy

[readmydairy]

yes I love you. yes I love you. yes I love you. yes I love you. take my soul, my heart is on a platter. serve it to you. please I love you. I love you.

[readmydairy]

im losing my mind!!!! >///<

[readmydairy]

838PM

We can't be mad sometimes. I just don't see the point in asking me what I wanna do? and when I say we go to dinner to eat at 7 but you wanna sleep. This is my fault, I should have said something but being petty and dramatic and staying mad and even finding a reason to be mad is easier than waking him up and going. I like to be upset and I enjoy being petty but I only wanted to go to dinner, I hate when pans are made and hate when they aren't followed through. It is probably my least favorite thing. My mom used to do that shit and I would get my hopes up and just give me a half asses apology which is probably gonna happen.

[readmydairy]

741AM

I think you are just being mean and having these thoughts about the Pisces. I hope I am not self-sabotaging myself like he's always good to me. So what's the deal? Why can't I just let go? I just don't think I am ready or if I'll ever be ready to commit. It's just way easier not to and to stay single.

[readmydairy]

728AM

I don't know. It's not that I am unhappy but it just feels like I don't know. He proclaims his love for me and says this isn't just sex but you can't ignore that it is the foundation of whatever this is. I say we only fuck and all you wanna do is fuck because of how horny you are because you haven't gotten your load out in a while. It just seems a little two-face, like you are in denial about what is really going on. Maybe we are each other place holders. Theres nothing wrong with that.

[readmydairy]

1106PM

I really hope I'm not pregnant, that would leave me with a Scorpio at my doorstep. This is leaving me with a lot of feelings right now. Two omens yesterday. My lucky strike is over. Don't wanna jinx myself, so many luck bells. I think I actually am about to start my period soon. Is it not so odd how the world works. I also just started breaking bad and I really hope to go to Miami this spring break. Let's get slutty! It's Pisces season soon. I really want to be happy and thrive.

[readmydairy]

554

It's a Monday and I think I am okay. I am at a very odd time in my life, but I know I will be okay. I will be happy with myself soon. I think things will move my way soon and even more so towards my birthday. I am being so cruel to this boy. I warned him plenty of times. Enough for me to no longer hold the blame so tightly to me. I will give him the opportunity to step away from me, at any time. I still think I will be alone. Nice romances are okay, they give life meaning and purpose. Don't be too much okay? Just a friend, ya know? Like a best friend who fucks, a lot. I wanna stay in this boy's mind. An illicit affair.

[readmydairy]

159

I just think I am overdramatic, I did get drunk last entry to stop myself from smoking weed. I guess it helped. I am on top of my school work, it is so hard to get a true handle on things. I am getting better, I still do think about being dead though, less strain on my own heart. I am just going through a lot due to the weather, once it's nicer out, I'll be okay.

[readmydairy]

Marguerite Duras, from The Lover

Text ID: She weeps for the disaster of her life,

[readmydairy]

433

I am drunk and I am crying. profusely and I am drunk. I wish the feeling struck in my chest and would just go away. I think if I went to Barnes & noble and just looked through the isles I would feel better. Being surrounded by words of other worlds who could comfort me. The shot I poured is fucking huge and I just wanna read about books. I wish I was a kid in the store, I just wish I was a kid again.

[readmydairy]

249

Profound. I am profoundly sad. I wanna scream until my lungs give out, I wanna cry. I don't wanna feel sad anymore. I want to die with a broken heart in my ribcage.

[readmydairy]

145

I feel weighted, like my thoughts and concerns aren't truly taken into account by those I call my friends, it's not a bad thing so to speak but it's like I'm so isolated by these people and yet I feel so alone. It's a very odd almost suffocated feeling, it's not because my friends are bad people, I'm just not as high on their list. Sometimes I wish I was alone, no one knew me, no one checked on me, and no one kept tabs on me. Sometimes I am jealous that my mom has all these friends, I wish I had my own friends, even just one. Maybe one, we can be dependent on each other. I want to be someone's friend, oh to be so lonely in a city so full of people of my age, who probably feel the same way I do. It's okay. I think I should just focus on my own life actually, I could get so much done if I didn't have people who I care about so deeply. Can I talk about my nightmares? What calls for a therapist? When is too much feel that I should just sit down and spill every word that plagues my heart. So they can just tell me what's wrong with me so that I can work through it. Maybe I should be medicated, so that I am not really thinking. Why are my nightmares, filled with me being attacked by men. Or about to be ambushed by men. I have got to stop sleeping. I think I want to be alone forever. I think it is the only option. I'm too flawed and too selfish to care about anyone else. Oh. The Pisces? I am scared he's gonna ask me to be his girlfriend. It's gonna ruin what we have. The sex is good, but I can't sleep with him high, it loses his edge. I feel like this thing we have going on is gonna fade soon. Maybe he'll find a girlfriend soon. Maybe he'll sleep with someone else, feel guilty, and tell me. Then I'll pretend to be angry and jealous and then finally break it off. Maybe he'll confess his love for me and I have to bring him back to reality. Maybe he's just playing me and doesn't really give a fuck what I do and won't say anything and ruin our unspoken rule about what this rendezvous is. I'll make a pros and cons list later about it.

[readmydairy]

928

I have had a lot of boy talk but here is whats up. I started school, I'm actually in the schools library, not as great as the public library but still enjoyable. I'm only taking two classes math, english. Which, I haven't been in school in a hot minute so I am okay with this. My job? still sucks, I sometimes wanna cry because I know i'm on the outside. I want things correct and orderly and I will always feel repremanded no matter how I feel. I'm branching out with more friends too. I'm really tired feeling lonely, I have no real outlet. Actually, I have stacy, haha love that girl. She seriously is so funny and I think is a good girl. I miss Coco though and I hope she knows that I miss her. I feel iffy between the two boys im dancing around. No pisces talk today. Wait actually I will just say I can't get him off my mind. I need him to say "I need you to be mine" while fucking me, on my period no less. Why do I want him to say I love you so bad? When I know I just wanna reject him. I want so deeply to be loved, the way he adores me, wordships me, I feel like theres too many factors into why I can't be with him. Just hooking up, that's all. I need to do better, please.

[readmydairy]

eye makeup

[readmydairy]

[readmydairy]

1242

Happy New Year! Okay so maybe it's a few days but I've been busy. I finally signed up for school, only two classes then I can get a real taste for it again. work is fine, nothing [new]. I need to really chill out with elliot, maybe just tell yourself you need to take it slow with your heart, you are still a lover girl, he can have my body but not my heart. I cannot lose my heart, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just horny speaking, maybe it's just the heat of the moment. I do like talking to him, but I think there's more.

[readmydairy]

me when my wife was under the sea