recoveringinfinity-blog

[recoveringinfinity-blog]

Remember to stay strong and KICK THE SHIT OUT OF GODDAMN EATING DISORDERS

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Hello lovelies ! I've missed you all quite terribly, because I haven't had any internet access for a little over a week now. The past week has been... ridiculously emotional and overwhelming. My therapist, psychiatrist, and parents all decided together to put me into inpatient. So.. that's where I've been. I was stabilized there and I'm supposed to be in residential right now. But, insurance doesn't want to pay for that, so I don't know where I'm going next. I'm both relieved and mad about insurance... I just don't know which emotion I want to trust right now. Actually, I feel like that with a majority of my emotions lately. Anyway, I'm going to write a really long post about inpatient later on today with more details. I'm just short on time right now, but I wanted to update while I had the chance. I hope everyone has been doing alright, and you're all well and safe. Have a good day dears, and I'll fill in more later tonight. <3

*I think I'm going to post a picture of myself with the post about inpatient. I might delete the picture after a little bit, but I still have to decide. 

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theloveyourselfchallenge:

This is a picture of Anna. The picture on the left is when she was happy, healthy and living life and the picture on the right was taken shortly before anorexia stole her life from her. At age 15 Anna went on a harmless diet after Christmas to lose a few pounds but her dieting quickly manifested into a full blown eating disorder. Anna became consumed by a ruthless disease and found herself caught in the manipulation of her disease. She started to hide the truth of her pain and suffering from her family and friends. She faked smiles and pretended that she had it all together.  She thought that she was finally in control but on her death bed she realized that she was out of control and anorexia was in control. Anna’s organs started to shut down from lack of nutrition and from her excessive excersizing. She needed an opperation to fix an ulcer but her body was too weak and could not heal itself. Just over a year of struggling with anorexia, Anna passed away at age 16. She died too young from something which was and still is violent and ruthless. 

Anna only struggled with this disease for a little over a year. As you can see, eating disorders do a lot of damage over short periods of time. Twenty percent of women struggling with an eating disorder will die from complications. Do not think that you are an exception to this. Eating disorders do not discriminate between race, age, gender, sexuality or ability. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other phyciatrict illness. Eating disorders kill, thats just what they do. Your eating disorder is not your friend, it is a disease and it wants to take your life. Stand up, know that you are strong enough to reach for recovery, realize that you are worthy of this place that you have in the world, and start fighting for your life; kill your eating disorder before it kills you.

How many wonderful, beautiful and talented people are we going to lose to this disease? Something needs to change, and that change must first start with you and me.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1315734/Anna-Wood-15-went-post-Christmas-diet-dies-anorexia-year.html

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recoveryisbeautiful:

pretty sure i will ALWAYS reblog this

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Happy fucking birthday to me.

Tomorrow's my birthday.

Tomorrow is the day my parents are putting me in inpatient.

I don't even know how I feel about this.

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Trying not to think about the cupcake sitting inside of me, along with the noodles, cheese, oil, and other things they made me eat at IOP tonight. That damn cupcake. With icing. And sprinkles. My fear food.. sprinkles.. And now I sit here, and I can't get these stupid pictures out of my head of it sitting in my stomach, rotting away. Never digesting, making me bigger and bigger and bigger until I explode.

But like I said, I'm trying my best not to think about those things. Because this is my fucking mind and I think what I want. Not what Ed wants. So, for tonight, can you just fuck off, Ed? Can I have my brain to myself for once?

No. Because it's not that easy. I wish...

Tonight was scary. My therapist is, once again, mad at me. I'm not losing weight, but I'm not gaining weight. And according to her, I need to gain weight. And I know I do too, I just don't want to accept that right now. My brain is in complete denial of the fact that I do. But if I don't, it's off to the hospital with me. And I have a time limit. So. I don't know my current weight, I don't know how much weight I need to gain, I don't know the amount of time I have to gain the weight, and I don't know what they're considering a healthy weight for me to be out of a hospital at. All I know is that I need to gain, gain, gain.

My mood is just skjngvkjsznd;lkfjmksdjngvloskdfn.

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anabites:

You took away years of my life.

took away my friends.

You took away my family.

You took away my freedom.

You took away my sense of humour.

You took away my personality.

You tell me I’m not good enough.

You lie to me.

You make me obsessive.

You scare me.

You make me depressed.

You make...

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I'm going to try my best to be positive throughout the day. Not that I have much to look forward to, but..still.. So, now it's lunch. Going to make myself something healthy, nutritious, and good for me. Healthy, nutritious, and good for me. I'm going to keep repeating that in my head while I'm eating.

[recoveringinfinity-blog]

Morning. Today, I'm feeling quite miserable and tired. I think part of the reason for this is the fact that I have IOP later on tonight and it's a parent night and my mom is taking me. Parent nights are hard enough, but it's easier if my dad is there. Whatever. I know my weight has gone down and Kate is going to be pissed at me, but I don't really care today. I don't think I care about anything today. It's all just so blaah.

You know what would help this mood? If I could bake something. If I could cook, I guarantee you my mood would shoot up in an instant.

Speaking of stupid things IOP has take away from me, I am so damn thirsty right now and I can't drink anything. They did drug urine test things and apparently both of mine came back diluted. I didn't dilute them, but they think I did, and so now I can't drink like, anything. Because my fucking pee isn't good enough. Screw this, I'm thirrrsstttyyyy.

I'm not in a very good mood right now, as you can probably tell. So just, like.. ignore my posts I guess. They don't matter.

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Look what I just crocheted! It's Prozac Jak.

He's going to be a keychain for my school bag. Yay c: (Jak looks a lot better in real life than in this phone-camera picture.)

Other than that, today has been okay. I don't have IOP, thank God, so I've just been sitting here crocheting all day. I love Wednesdays now, because they're the only weekday I have to myself. Hope everyone else is doing okay<3

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I really don't want to go to IOP tonight.. but I have to. Tonight should be fine, because it's kids only so it's more laid back. I'm a little worried about the meal and what they'll be cooking, but, I'm trying to use coping methods and just be mindful right now. My head is always so over crowded, but right now I am forcing myself to be mindful. I want to be okay tonight. 

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recoverylife:

b-bones:

You can feel her sadness

I don’t know why this picture is so mesmerizing…

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*Could possibly be triggering

Dear therapist,

When you tell me I gained weight over the weekend, do you really think I am going to want to jump up and down with you and give you a high-five? Do you really think I am going to appreciate your good job? "Good job at getting fat, Colette!" That's the only thing running through my head when you do that. When you smile and say you're proud of me. 

Love, Colette

I'm sorry dears, I'm just in a really bad mood tonight. Someone graduated out of IOP and they brought in cookies for everyone. The therapists said we had to eat one as part of our meal. So now a cookie is sitting inside of me, and I do not like it at all. Ed is louder than he's been in weeks and I just want to crawl into a corner and rip my insides out. I know I should be distracting myself with something or using my "skills" but I'm not. I feel like I can't do anything. Like, if I actually were to go and do something, it wouldn't make a difference and it wouldn't matter. I feel as though my mind and body have separated. My body is just going through the motions of life, while my mind is jailed somewhere else. Yeah. And the fact that my body dysmorphia is going insane right now. To the point where it feels like my skin is literally stretching and I'm just getting bigger and smaller and bigger and bigger and bigger. And my whole body and mind is just out of whack.

I feel so crazy. So mental and insane right now.

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I have tyrants in my head.

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ambivalentmusings:

not-small-enough:

It’s not like a fucking snitch you guys.

^^

Some of you fucking shitheads talk about eating disorders like you can catch them or find them or something..

[recoveringinfinity-blog]

a vow of silence?

No, there's a disorder where the person won't speak. It has to do with anxiety, I think. I don't know.

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Does anyone know what it's called when a person can't/won't speak for extended periods of time?