rectandeffects

[rectandeffects]

June 2020

This one hit different because the layers are special.

It's now been almost 3 weeks since you've been gone.

All love, light, and strength to Amy, Zoe, Bob, Patsy and the entire Zollars family.

Danny Zollars was 1 of 1.

—

We were introduced in early 2003 when I first started working for the Coyotes. People thought we looked like brothers. We didn’t see it. But we didn’t NOT see it either. With our Midwest roots, we quickly bonded though our love for the Vikings, tacos, and Dr. Dre beats along with some new rapper he was producing for named 50 Cent.

As our friendship grew, there were countless times with either something we said or did that was in unison or identical. We would both just give an MJ like shrug, say “brother style”, laugh and move on.

Careers progressed and we both moved from AZ to different places geographiclly but we got closer. Personally and professionally our lives remained inexplicably intertwined. From the Bay, to Portland, DC, Seattle, & LA. Memories made that never stopped.

Dinners, Bachelor parties, drinks, weddings, and a myriad of sporting events - each time bringing a new unique story, catchphrase, or often times both that solidified each of these experiences forever. Brother style.

In June of 2013 it was an email, telling a small group that you had been diagnosed with rectal cancer. Evelyn and I were living in Chicago at the time - the city ironically, where you primarily grew up. Needless to say, it was a wild note to receive, and of course had no clue as how to process it.

We saw each other a month later in LA and talked about it as much as we could. There was a plan formulated. And as crazy as the odds stacked against you, the journey to beating it would begin. Relentlessly, methodically, and humbly. Under the radar.

There wasn’t a day that went by I didn’t think about how you were feeling or what you were going through. This was cancer. In your 30's?!? Life was so good. Ass cancer of all things?!? How does one even begin to cope or deal with that?

Yet, it in no way defined you. A stigma associated with something that at one time was comical and certainly unimaginable. But with your battle continuing and with each day passing, the idea of what fighting cancer looked like evolved.

Unless you knew otherwise, no one would be any the wiser as to what you had going on behind the scenes.

Fast forward to 2016, 2 weeks and 2 days after West and Leo were born, when a diagnosis of rectal cancer of my very own came. Not as advanced as yours, with it being stage III. However, with more time passing before being tested, easily could have been.

You were the first non-nuclear family person I called. You couldn't believe it. What were the odds of this even happening to 2 friends, in their mid-30's?!? One in five hundred billion is I believe what we settled on. We joked that it must have been something we drank together back in our AZ days?

Thing is, I could joke and was at relative ease with such life altering news because the trail was already blazed with where you were with your fight. And although I know it wasn't easy, the grace with which you were executing it was staggering.

You and Amy immediately empowered me and Ev with an encyclopedia of information. Those red hot cancer tips. You started a blog becuase it helped. So I started a blog - and it did. There were books. Meal plans. Tons of texts. And lots of wet wipes.

Based on your own experiences, we were able to pivot and leverage a supieror shift in my own care. We always got 2nd & 3rd opinions. We got on a track. Fighting this now together. For us. Our families. Together. Brother style.

One of the first things you told me was that in 5 years that this would all just feel like a bad dream. Tons of bumps with otherworldly experiences at times.

But ultimately, it’ll all be in the rear view. No pun intended. A footnote of sorts. At some point, it will feel like it wasn't real - that it all never happened.

We fantasized about the cancer free brother trip we would take to celebrate. Starting to loosely build cases to our wives as to how responsible we would be - no matter how exotic the destinations on the short list.

It’ll be 4 years this August since my OG diagnosis and thankfully so far, 3 years in remission. Still not to what we thought would be an amenisa filled 5 year mark.

Now that you are no longer here, you called it brother. A bad dream indeed. The pain with the loss of you - undeniably real.

With your profession you entertained millions of people - anonymously.

Your relentless fight throughout this ravenous disease, already to thousands - energizing.

The essence of you to the hundreds of your family and friends - unforgettable.

The endless depth of your love to Amy and Zoe - forever.

Your singular enhancing of my life with our freindship and ulimately saving it with the cards you were dealt - cosmic.

There won't be a day that goes by I won't think of you in some way - a story, a song, a team, a word. Which really isn't all that different than most from the day we first met 17+ years ago.

Your burden of the fight is over but it will continue in earnest with the inspriation of you as the fuel.

Rest easy and in peace brother. I will always miss you. I love you.

And oh yeah, fuck cancer.

[rectandeffects]

Velocity.

What is it about an airplane ride that clears the head?  Altitude? Packed in humanity?  Mini seats?  Recycled air?

These last few months in transitioning back up to Seattle has been a whirlwind.  From extended hotel stays, finding a home with 3 flights of stairs, new job(s) acclimation, mom stays, Zoo Tunes, Portland trips, a much needed Palm Springs vacation, nanny hires, the Special Olympics, etc. etc. etc.  All things told, amazing memories made with so many exciting ones ahead.  It has not been the easiest of times though either.  Moving is hard. The boyz in their first 2 years of life have done it 3-ish times. They have been incredibly resilient and flexible though. Certainly near the top for the list of qualities I’d love for these little guys to have, is malleability.  Be comfortable and strong in a diverse amount of situations.  Mini James Bonds - lower cased double o 7′s. Ev and I have been solid overall. A wide range of experiences have brought a wide range of emotions.  And we are getting through it.  Laughing when we can, as much as possible.  Sprinkling in some non-“Wheels on the Bus” music, some wine, and rooftop chats during these beautiful, darkness evading Pacific Northwest summer nights.  My wife is the best.  This whole thing called life would be impossible without her.

Health-wise I feel really strong. In late June I ran the Seattle Rock N’ Roll Half Marathon with Ev and Claudia.  It was great time and a nice little nod to the fact that my health is definitely on the up and up. So, I need to keep it up.  Ev, of course, cruised through the race.  And Claudia and I actually did too.  Albeit 20 minutes slower or so than Ev.  Now the only issue, sitting just a bit over a month out from the race, is that I haven’t gotten even 1 run since.  Without really any excuses.  Need to re-calibrate now again and focus back to something physical. Runs are fun and all, but I am looking to do more.  I’ll start with some Denver hotel room workouts and see where that leads me…  I have my annual colonoscopy coming up and looking forward to that.  No real reasons for any heightened concerns…  It just feels good to have the health of my ass validated.  Literally.  No news will continue to be good news on that front. 

Just earlier this week I was able to hook up with my brother from way back and partner in cancer crime (along with I’m sure others that will remain unmentioned) – Danny Zollars.  He has been fighting the good fight of this disease for the past 5 years.  And while things aren’t perfect with him at this point with some more battles to fight, he was only given a 12% chance to still be alive now 5 years ago.  The convos, laughs, story re-hashes from all over our lives, Vikes talk, Dre beats, and overall perspectives shared. Including a dance party with the boyz and a night cap from Roberto Lez.  DZ has the OG blog on Tumblr – Rectal Talk.  @dannyzollars   Give him a follow if you so choose.  He, like me, is writing for him.  His daughter Zoe is well on her way to being famous as she is highlighted (rightly so) a lot. And for the price you’re paying (FREE!) for this hot, late 30’s white guy, from the Midwest literary content – it just doesn’t stop delivering.  His story is wild and one that is inspiring all the  while there for a quick perspective check when needed.  Not to mention some pretty incredible things coming up that are going to be done medically to physically eliminating it all. Amazing research for everyone! The bond he and I have has been strangely special from Day 1 and I am looking forward to it continuing for many years to come.  

Lots of great new music out there – from Cardi B and the new Drake album.  The GOOD music 5 week album drop with Pusha T leading the pack there. Childish Gambino.  Kendrick remains incredibly re-listenable.  Migos, Future, Big Boi, and Black Thought.  The Robin Williams documentary was incredible. Anthony Bourdain is gone.  The genius mind is impossible to predict. Lebron is a Laker.  Hot Ones keeps delivering as a show.  John Mulaney’s special and all of the other 3949058 comedy specials on Netflix.  We are in a very comedic rich time.  In addition to it being the truth of what is happening out there through various lenses, it is really therapeutic to laugh.  I was fortunate to see Bill Burr (on my comedy Mt. Rushmore) perform in Portland.  And our boyz just keep getting bigger, better, and more hilarious. Their exploits are well documented (and will continue to be) on my IG account with their hashtag #westandleo.  

I have missed the writing. Which is a good sign I suppose.  But one I should listen to.  Much like the physical aspect of health…make time for it. It’s healthy.  And good for you.  And what’s good for you is the good for the world.  

What again about the airplane ride makes your head so clear?  I think it’s the velocity.  The raw speed necessary to fly is remarkable.  A modern miracle as a classic Louie CK bit illustrates…  There is a lot happening all the time to get us all to where we need to go.  We are all moving really fast.  But not so fast that we don’t have the ability to look around and appreciate it. I need to do a better job of it for sure.  When we pause for the views, the awe of it all is breathtaking.      

[rectandeffects]

Quick thoughts jotted as our time in Portland winds down. Didn’t feel like typing it on glass. The physical of the pen and paper adds an even deeper layer of therapy. So excited to get back to Seattle. For the 3rd(!?!) time. This time is the charm, right? Actually, now realizing all the charm had been achieved long ago. Now recognizing and relishing in it is just that much more clear. An impossible thing to see or experience without a crazy mix of fortune, misfortune, love and time.

[rectandeffects]

Some Changes.

First things first, I had my first official post chemo/radiation CT scan and the results just came back great!  There is still some swelling currently apparently in my lower rectum area which is inconclusive, but according to Dr. Deasai, it is consistent with the healing process and not anything else.  That fact along with the blood tests I have had done since have revealed no tumor markers and the fact I generally speaking feel really good indicates all remains clear.  I’ll just have my next routine blood work done in the next 4 months  

Which will now actually be done back at SCCA where this whole show began.  The family and I are moving BACK to Seattle for a job a I took and we are all really excited!  Obviously there are lots of plusses and minusses - but the plusses win and far outweigh the negatives.  We are certainly going to miss the family and support we’ve had here in Portland over the last 9 months.  Our love for this city is well documented.  But it’s pretty incredible to think about all that we missed and are now going back to in Seattle.  It just all feels full circle and right.  It certainly won’t be a super easy transition, but one we’ve done before - now with a different and more focused lens. If we are anything, as the Pacific Northwest Christiansen’s, its resilient.  Not to mention we’ve had plenty of practice moving over the years and like before we will be just 3 hours away from here. In a yet to be determined Emerald City cabin up north.  Once we’re in and settled, which looks to be May or so, our doors are and will always be wide open to one and all for visits.

These guys are already pretty great hosts and they love to entertain…

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Too busy l-i-v-i-n to even realize we have lived a year and half now. #westandleo #18months (at Portland, Oregon)

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Harder than it had to be, but got it done. Still on track for the 10k in Feb. & a half on St. Pat’s Day.

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Follow-up eye appointments for the boyz this past week. All progression, no regression. Which at this point continues to be the best news. Still impossible to predict, but prognosis for minimal future vision impairment (even Leo with his nystagmus) remains very strong. Obviously they both loved the chair and instruments.

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Quick shots from a day of dadding. Not pictured, any issues whatsoever.

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Ramen lunch to celebrate a successful 6 month Post Chemo Follow-Up appointment. All is checking out as perfectly as possible from a health standpoint. Next appointment is in 3 months which is the quarterly surveillance cadence that is standard for the first 2 years after treatment.

The rest are just a miniscule sampling of the love and experiences so far this holiday season.

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December 1st. First run since back in February before my first surgery. It felt great. Time to officially get back on the workout horse. We are signing up for a half marathon to run around Valentines Day. Ev’s favorite holiday. 13.1. It’ll be my 2nd one - I’m excited to get it booked and train for it. Speaking of the holidays, we officially got our tree now and we’ve just continued to celebrate and be grateful for all of the blessings - needless to say, the smiles are genuine. Finally, a quick update on Ev’s colonoscopy -it ended up revealing 5 large-ish growths and they were removed and sent to pathology. There was not a chance they were cancerous but the theme from the doctors was “we’re really glad you came and got this done.” Aka, if this all continued unchecked, it most likely would have turned into cancer - which puts us all right back into it again. So although we didn’t know it at the time, the pictures below pre-colonoscopy are exactly what cancer prevention looks like. Unceremonious, but crucial. Next steps are another colonoscopy in 6 months to be sure they got everything and a meeting with a genetic counselor to see where this is all coming from. More answers ahead - both for our family and for everyone. Proactivity is the best prevention.

[rectandeffects]

No reason currently at all for concern, but here is Ev today before her first colonoscopy. Things haven’t been perfect with her digestive system lately, so we pushed to get it done. We are all own health advocates. We always have to be. She also participated in a study to help find genetic markers through stool and saliva samples rather than something as invasive as a colonoscopy - which as a procedure isn’t that big of deal but is still viewed as such from the insurance industry. We all have to keep walking the walk and doing all we can to keep the science and progress moving forward toward optimum healthcare.

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These guys.

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UD.

A week ago this past Saturday, on September 30th 2017, my Uncle Dan (my dad’s brother) died from liver cancer.  He was 63.    

This news came in just a few short days before receiving the news I was in full remission. Certainly an Ebb to the current Flow.  While the end was not surprising, how quickly it came, after official diagnosis in late summer was just another reminder how serious this cancer shit is.  Unfortunately, although he had many symptoms over the last few years, he simply did not get any answers that gave him any chance of beating it until it was far too late.  We are, and always have been the primary champions of our own health.  If something feels off, and continues to, we all need to keep pressing and digging until we have an answer.  There is always an answer.  Many times unfortunately that answer is cancer - but with early detection you give yourself a fighting shot.  Your body gives you signs.  Listen to it.  Ok…  Enough about that…

My Uncle Danny, (what I called him when I was really young) Uncle Dan (thru the high school years) and UD (a nickname that stuck during the beer fueled young adult years through the end) was quite a remarkable guy.  A forever “bachelor farmer” without any significant other or kids, simply loved the outdoors.  As an avid hunter and fisherman he reaped what he sowed.  Always enjoying the deer or other wild game he bagged - including the sunfish he tricked into taking his bait in one of his hot fishing holes.  Living off the lake and land in his humble abode on Rock Lake just outside McGregor Minnesota.  

He was one of the first guys I ever knew that started brewing his own beer.  We are talking late 80′s early 90′s.  He had no idea how much of a killing he could have made up here in the Pacific Northwest with his perpetual hoppiest possible brew with the IBU’s and an Alcohol By Volume (ABV) level (if they were to be measured) maximized to match.  Pair that with all of his unforgettable catchphrases (that when he said them, were uniquely UD) from “You Betcha”, ���For Sure”, “Think About It”, “F It - Smoke It”, and many, many more - the man was a human branding machine.

He was a man of extremes.  Either all the way in, or all the way out.  There was no middle ground with UD.  He did what he wanted, and if you didn’t like it, too bad.  This translated both into some of most delicious smoked fish and homemade maple syrup I’ve ever eaten to the some of the most awestruckingly myopic and ignorant political/social belief conversations I have ever been a part of.  That was UD.  Meticulously freezing frame as a freelance photographer on the wing of a hummingbird sipping a sugary solution just outside his window to just not showing up somewhere because he “couldn’t find it” - so simple and complex all at the same time.

I will forever cherish the times we shared together - from it being the first time I ever played Super Mario Bros. (he was an early original Nintendo adopter - a major bachelor benefit in 1985), listening to his sing along baritone over his favorite Merle Haggard song, getting a metaphorical nose bleed from one of his room clearing farts that were derived from a diet of venison (venny!) and home brews - or just listening to him, while we were both 197 sheets to the wind, laughing until my stomach hurt, tell stories from his past exploits (fishing, hunting, motorcycles, girls, etc.) with a confidence and swagger so off the charts, that it would make Kanye West blush.  What a guy with a style all his own.  He will be really missed.  Certainly gone too soon.  Love you UD.  Rest in peace.

- Photo from December 2016.  

[rectandeffects]

Remission.

After my doctor’s appointment today, it’s official - I’m in remission.  All pre-surgery tests I had done along with the labs they took today all support the fact that I am currently cancer free.  Generally speaking, if there is going to be any reoccurrence, the chances are highest that it’ll happen in the first 2 years.  After that, it drops off dramatically until year 5 - which is when they really start to consider throwing the “c’ word around. To be clear, the “c” word I speak of is cured.   We are a long way from that.  But like most of this I am not even sure what the really means anyway - this isn’t like I had pneumonia or the chicken pox.  All said though, all positive news!  In terms of next steps, I do have a scan scheduled as a part of my now diligent monitoring regimen in late December/Early January.  

This also happened to be a really good appointment from the conversation I was able to have with Dr. Desai. So much of the focus is (obviously) put on the physical removal of the cancer and to eradicate it’s chance of spreading - but now that we are past that piece currently, no one lives in a vacuum.  There are all kinds of outside elements that continue to influence and affect us as human beings.  Now, how do we go about fully assimilating back into normal every day life with those factors involved?  And that’s not to say that I have felt unassimilated.  More so however, with what is it going to take for one to operate in a healthy fashion within the new normal that will be continuing  dealing/thinking about things that people never having cancer, fortunately don’t have to experience?  These new realities aren’t as, he said, easy things to flip a switch to.  Instead, to think of this total recovery as a dimmer switch with a gradual turn up of light rather than the simple light switch of OFF then ON.  

My physical recovery is still something that is still very active - albeit for the most part internal.  As he again reminded me, we are just 3+ months since my last chemo treatment and just a month outside of this last surgery - the body, biologically, takes time to recover.  Much like training for a marathon, slow builds week over week over week is the key.  What’s funny is that as the doctor telling me this, I’ve heard this all before - from many places in life.  From personally in family & friends, to professionally from bosses and all the way back to baseball coaches…basics of the road to success.  Incremental gains.  One brick at a time.  I suppose it is human to lose sight of this now and again.  What I realized however was, that in this rush to get to and feel 100%, I ended up losing sight of the gains that truly have been made.  That this, as he again reminded me, has only all just been slightly over a year.  A blip in the radar of life. 

Once the all the physical is restored over the course of the next 6-18 months, the perpetual psychological journey continues.  Dr. Desai also gave me some really good tips today about the continued slow ramp up of exercise, diet, meditation, and certain acupuncture treatments to help in complete holistic health.  The challenge of finding the right alchemy and balance of it all only fuels my passion while continuing to make small little gains every day… 

[rectandeffects]

I was feeling really good on Friday. 30+ days of sobriety and if I do say so myself, a remarkable job of avoiding foods that can easily make things more difficult from a digestive standpoint. To celebrate a great yet challenging week on Friday night, I made pork chops marinated with the above pictured Mango Chipotle BBQ sauce for Ev and her parents.  I also chased it with a Racer 5 IPA. All delicious although it was a little spicier than I’ve delved into since surgery.  And an IPA, right off the bat after 30+ days of booze free with a still sensitive system was certainly a suspect choice. That night though, life was good!

Fast forward to Saturday where we had a great walk with the boyz in the morning…but after that the day was a complete throwaway for me. I was either in bed or the bathroom. Physical burning pain down below that certainly registered in the top 5 most uncomfortable physical moments throughout this entire process. We had plans to go out on Saturday night as well with some friends, of which I knew by noon, didn’t have a chance in hell of happening. 

Another crazy harsh lesson…..learned. Wow. How stubborn can one (read: me) be? A rhetorical question of course - however, if I were to try and ballpark qualify it, I am quite sure we land somewhere between infinity and beyond. Shout out to Buzz Lightyear.

[rectandeffects]

Movements.  Bowel and Others.

It’s just about a month now out of surgery and I am feeling quite solid. I do wish the same could be said for my bowel output over that same time period. However, I was told/warned that having your full digestion system work in concert flawlessly after 5 months off would be no easy task. That said, a lot of these problems can be/have been temporarily managed with Imodium and at times Depends.  My whole perspective on the adult diaper industry has changed - for the positive.  What some kind of godsend this product is.  And just like everything else, I am sure there are lot more people wearing them everyday that can even be imagined.  I will also admit it has been pretty fun during those times when they have been needed to be worn, asking Ev what’s it like to be living in a house with 3 different men in diapers.  “Lucky” is often her reply.  A perfect answer that is both fully honest but with just that bit of sarcasm that ultimately is the literal shitty reality of 75% of a household without the full means to control what’s coming out of them.  I guess it’s also funny too in that what has often gotten me in trouble in the past is not controlling what comes out of the other end, my mouth.  Oh how things have changed - but again at the same time, not too much.  They still don’t have Depends for the mouth.  I’ve been looking…  

I will say though that the last week or so it’s been a lot better and certainly have no problems going out and about with my day in a normal fashion. I am still very much on a low fiber diet which doesn’t exactly help everything currently either - but it’s still too early to shock my system with all the things they say are good for you if you have a normally operating system. My best guess is another few weeks for 90%+ run rate (sitting at about 75% right now) - but at the same time it’s entirely possible that my system never returns to its full pre-cancer operation. So my new 100% may be 90%. I’ll take it.  Better than most of the alternatives last time I checked.  I have first post everything scan on Monday the 25th, to really see if all the chemo/radiation/surgery fully worked in eradicating all of the cancer.  I feel really good about what the result will be but we don’t know until we know…  

In other news, we have found and are moving into a place of own here in Portland after about 5 months of living with Elvis, my brother-in-law.  To say the time spent there will be memorable is an understatement.  What an experience it was into deeper learnings regarding family dynamics, cultures, and general human behavior - all throughout the entire spectrum of good, bad, ugly with everything in between.  The greatest takeaway however, and one that has been constantly reinforced is the amazing support that we’ve received.  This process has in no way been easy, but without the help we got, it’s unimaginable.  Like most things that are difficult, I am so glad that we went through it.  Not only for that always easy answer of perspective, but also for an understanding and appreciation of the good times that were had that only crazy situations can bring.  A family synergy that can be felt, in those certain times, unbreakable.  Fast forward to now however where we will be getting into a place of our own again, in the city where Ev and I met, and now with the boyz over 1…it’s just really NOW starting to get good.  We found a great little house right in between the Eastmoreland & Woodstock neighborhoods in SE Portland.  A great little mix of high end and hippie…all the while 100% true to the essence of Portland.

Finally, in all things movement, the boyz have not started walking yet.  But they are moving around a whole lot more and with great speed.  Starting in October we are going to be having them in day care for a couple days a week.  Once there, I feel, in addition to our own space, it is going to really send them on a rocket ship of development.  There is that old adage, that for the first year of a baby’s life all you want them to walk and talk - and from then on, all you want them to do is sit down and be quiet.  Who knows…  What I do know is that they are the best.

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Checked Out.

Bye hospital. Thanks for everything. You were great. But it’s time to be home now. I’m out!