reryanblogs

[reryanblogs]

I Am Not Fine

I'm writing this at three in the morning. Prior to this, I listened to a just-released bonus content of my favorite audio drama podcast called "The Bright Sessions."—It’s a series of therapy sessions for the strange and unusual (*whispers* It’s fucking awesome).

 I was having a bad headache and my stomach was acting funny so I decided to treat myself to a warm black tea. Teas are fucking magical! It eased the pain, and I guess I'd say a hangover from listening to the podcast made me sit at my bed and meditate. I used to meditate back then, but for some reasons, I've forgot the skill and now I'm relearning how to actually do it through guided meditation. After that, also practiced abdominal breathing. Damn, this brought so much peace of mind. And then, I almost had a panic attack.

 It’s nothing new. These are the times of the day where it’s so eerily silent that I feel sooo fucking alone with my thoughts, it scares the heck out of me. But why? I did a thing that I really enjoy, I meditated, practiced breathing exercises, I even cleaned my room, so why?!

 The greatest take-away I can say from the guided meditation I’ve just done was that “Meditation isn’t about getting rid of your thoughts. It’s about learning how to be at ease with them.” This! This fucking blew my mind. I was frantically and desperately wanting to push away and to “clear” my thoughts thinking I should be empty in order to acquire peace where in fact, these thoughts are fucking mine, these make me who I am. I should learn how to accept that rather than forcing myself to get rid of it.

 So yeah, here I am, at my most chill and vulnerable state... writing. Letting my thoughts go and flow and letting it be the way it is.

 These past months has been so hard for me. Right before the first day of this semester, I know I wasn’t fine. And I thought, since I’m aware of those feelings, I’ll be “fine”. I even started this 30-day poster design challenge on my Facebook page to get out all the creative juices out of my body, and keep stimulating my brain. And you guess it, it’s a fucking distraction. It’s an excuse to say that “Yeah, I know I’m not doing well, but at least I’m doing something about it.” Am I? Do I really think that way?

 Weeks passed, and suddenly, posts here and there of my block mates getting accepted from various media companies for internship flooded my timeline. And here I am. Refusing to do what should have been done. I’m not doing anything about my CV, my resume, and all the “responsible things” that should be done. Am I jealous for them getting accepted early? Maybe? But I guess it’s more of, I feel pressured. Everyone was doing their thing and then there’s me doing all the escapism crappy bullshits. Of course, I’m not judging these people, first of all, no one told me to be there, to be at all these apps that consume our most valuable resource—time, it’s just how it is. I was overwhelmed.

 Unfortunately, I also had to quit my org. It’s such a great, loving community where I can just be myself; but I quit. Being with them was so much fun, I always get to laugh and to just be me without getting judged. Their stories are so inspirational and moving; but I quit. As someone who gets energy from being alone, it was quite draining in my part. Maybe quitting was not the best thing to do but it surely helped me lighten the burden I’m carrying. And they were so fucking understanding, and just so nice about it. Best people in the world, I don’t deserve them hahaha.

 A month has passed, and I still don’t feel quite right. I even stopped posting to the poster design challenge I started. I had declined requests from friends to meetup. It was such a hard thing to do. Especially when you wanted to scream for help but you don’t even have the energy to get up, wash, dress up, and pretend everything’s fine. I feel so bad for rejecting people. I mean there’s only few who’d really go their way just to meet this potato but I still turned them down.

 And then there’s this particular subject for this semester, Publication Design. It’s a subject where one of the requirements is to produce and release a volume of a magazine. Magazine, layouting, yay fun! Almost everyone was counting on me. I never felt so useful in my entire life. You don’t know how much I appreciate that level of trust. It’s so nice and warm to hear people say that my designs look fantastic and how much they admire them... and then I refused to do it. I know I’m not mentally and emotionally stable and capable enough to accept this big project that puts sooooo much pressure on me. I know I wouldn’t be able to pull this thing off.

 Why does the things that I used to enjoy made me suddenly feel so lethargic? Why do I need to feel this way? I... I don’t have the time for this.

 I did horrible things to myself.

   I’m not really sure how and when I feel “less shitty” about myself, I mean, I don’t know why I felt those detrimental sentiments in the first place either, but I could say I’m on that “pick-up myself” phase right now. And it’s so difficult to maintain especially with all the overwhelming tasks here and there. But I guess whether it’s dropping everything at once to take a rest, or just breathing (which I found really really helpful), or talking to someone, it starts with taking that frightening first step and reaaally appreciating and applauding yourself for conquering that tiny yet critical first step. Pat yourself at the back, or hug yourself if that’ll make you feel better. Seriously, I got a lot of weird looks trying to have a pep talk and reassuring myself that I did a great job and everything’s fine at the middle of the streets.

 And yeah, I’m trying to meet people at my own pace. I realized that there’s nothing bad with wanting to feel “okay” but there’s no need to rush either. I’ve talked to friends, and tried my best to be honest with my feelings at that time. I didn’t find the point of saying that everything’s good and responding to people’s “How are you?” with “I am fine,” which I found, became so engraved to me, it turned into a habit. So I decided to stop saying “I am fine” for the sake of small chitchat, but don’t necessarily need to tell the whole story of why I am not fine. It just put everything to perspective. It’s a proof that I’m not denying my own feelings and it might not be fine as of the moment but the most important thing is I’m trying to do something about it. For example, writing it down, yay! Didn’t realize that I’ve written more than a thousand of words.

 Oh, I’ve also decided to be the head layout artist of our magazine. It’s a thing I really wanted to do and something I really wanted to be involved with. Very much aware of the stress and pressure this project is inducing, but so far, I’m enjoying creating beautiful stuffs.

 Also, I’ll be continuing the poster design challenge on my page, hopefully, by next week. Go to facebook.com/reryanpage if you want to check my previous designs. I really hope that I can continue this self-project amidst the other uni stuffs I need to accomplish plus the internship. Yup, I’m hired yaaay!

 Have you read all of these? I’m guessing it’s either you can relate or you have a big crush on me, probably the latter hahaha. These are just some of my thoughts and experiences, but I hope you pick up something from it, but if you don’t, still, thank you for sharing your most valuable resource—your time. I believe that talking about this kind of matters really help lift the stigma on mental health and mental illness. And I encourage you, to talk about stuffs that’s going on your mind whether on social media or with someone.

 Let’s continue to make magic, shall we?

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I’m also on Tumblr, but it’s still on the process of curating: tumblr.com/reryanblogs

 iCommunicate XIV: Cirque SNS

Facebook: facebook.com/icomm.xiv

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 The Market Monitor (I was hired, can you believe it??? Hahaha!):

facebook.com/themarketmonitor

[reryanblogs]

peripera Airy Ink Velvet Product Review . ▪️Shades: #3 Sold Out Red, #5 Elf Light Rose ▪️Color Payoff / Pigmentation: 🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧 Five penguin emojis! You’ll wonder what kind of sorcery (or technology, for boring people) they use to make the colors pop and sooo pigmented. ▪️Adherance: 🐧🐧🐧🐧 Depends on your lips’ condition but most of the time, stains it. Does it transfer? Yes, it does, especially for shades closer to both deep and bright reds, but for the other shades, it’s not that noticeable. It can be solved by blotting with a ply of tissue. ▪️Longevity: 🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧 Probably longer than your relationship 😂 . Mixed both shades in a 1:3 ratio for my previous post. #5 is already a pretty semi-nude, semi-coral shade so I only added the tiniest amount of #3 just to make it suit my base and eye makeup. . Don’t forget to swipe left to really see the product. Hahaha, if you are watching my stories, you knew that I needed to think of a way on how to make this fit into my feed despite of having this bright red color to it, so there, problem solved using its caps hahaha. Please tell me this is creative and not a stupid idea 😂 . #페리페라 #peripera #periperaairyinkvelvet #클리오 #clio #makeup #makeupreview #koreanmakeup #photography #productphotography #phonephotography #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral

[reryanblogs]

. That wall! I painted that 💁🏻‍♂️✨ . Spent two nights and three days on my dorm since Monday night amidst the scorching heat in Manila 😭, to get creative 😂 What I’m saying is, having a separate creative space (I prefer somewhere I’m alone) can spark good, and sometimes great ideas to help you become more creative in your own craft. . Didn’t crossed out all ideas in my shot list but I took few that I really liked and had fun with the process. . Tap photo once for the products. For now would just tag the brands, I’ll list down all the products I used on a future post (lie lol). For the meantime, APPRECIATE THAT WALL 😂 Painted only half of my room because it’s effin’ exhausting doing it alone, but hey I’m proud of it 😊 . #셀카 #selca #selfie #creativity #eyemakeup #makeup #photography #selfportrait #phonephotography #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral #monochrome #achromatic

[reryanblogs]

. “If we decide to create more, and consume less, the world around us will transform through a tidal wave of purpose.” — @theminimalists . Indeed. That’s why I’m considering to do a 30-day poster design challenge to further improve my skills and hopefully try to explore newer styles. Hope would not regret this kind of announcement here on the internet since I still lowkey don’t know if I can take responsibility on this kind of commitment lol 😅 . #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral #monochrome #achromatic #photography #phonephotography #snapseed #facetune (at Mall of Asia)

[reryanblogs]

Posted this as an Instagram story and received such lovely responses 😊😊😊

[reryanblogs]

. Was searching for blank makeup charts but who needs that when namchin already has pretty eyes ㅋㅋㅋ ♥️ . I’ve been using Etude House’s Drawing Show Brush Eyeliner for years and decided to finally switch it out with THEFACESHOP’s Ink Graffi Brush Pen Liner. They are both brush-type pens, but the one from Etude House tends to dry faster. I think l’d already bought at least five of it 😑 works like magic for the first month, but formula gets drier and drier over time. . This one thou, has first better brush bristles (easily bleeds with the lightest pressure thou, not necessarily a bad thing since it still depends on how you wear your liner), 0.05mm thin, which I really love since I wear my liner winged down and really thin. The better color payoff thou goes to the one from Etude, it’s quite blacker than this one. I think it’s because of the polymer coating and sheen formula but it doesn’t really bother me at all. . And if remeber correctly, this one is cheaper so 👍🏻 . #thefaceshop #thefaceshopinkgraffibrushpenliner #makeup #makeupreview #productreview #photography #productphotography #phonephotography #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral #monochrome #achromatic #snapseed #april

[reryanblogs]

. Yes, yes, I took a photo of it, because it's black and white, and has a minimal aesthetic vibe to it. @cosrx had a new product design for the patches (not sure about their other products) and it's beautifuuul, right?! I just love how sleek it looks. . But, hey, I'm back! 🎉 . Anyway, I don't think I need to review this product. Besides the fact, that the Clear Fit Master Patch has only one size, the verdict would still be a penguin emoji with a heart... the one with sparkles on it lol. . #cosrx #cosrxclearfitmasterpatch #skincare #productreview #photography #productphotography #flatlay #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral #monochrome #achromatic

[reryanblogs]

『 h o l l o w 』  a tanka

Feeling everything, Thoughts and emotions; they wring Every bits of me. Might be better to just fall 'Coz I feel nothing at all.

[reryanblogs]

BE YOURSELF.

How?

When you don’t even know who you truly are?

[reryanblogs]

sincerely wants to die

[reryanblogs]

Words and text are sounds and shapes that bear souls.

[reryanblogs]

It took me sooo many years to muster up the courage and finally opened up, but I guess I’m back at square one.

[reryanblogs]

. 🌸Some things are better left unsaid🌸 . #flowers #flowersofinstagram #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral #monochrome #achromatic #april #snapseed (at Bigman resorts and pavillon)

[reryanblogs]

re:ryan

Hello my fellow adventurers! I’ve been occupied by tons of side quests that I’m coming back only now. Anyway, if you haven’t noticed, I’m going to reboot and rebrand this blog, babam! This was actually formerly known as elachrophant.tumblr.com but decided to kinda change it into a more honest and more “me” self-brand.

I’ve been putting writing this on hold for such a long time. Hmmm, I don’t know why but I want to time it when my mood and emotions are rather neutral. I’m not sure if I’m neutral enough right now thou, considering I just had my third cup of coffee ㅋㅋㅋ.

It’s been years but I’m trying to REALLY do something about my inner conflicts only now. Looking back, they were really just facades and faking, after all; to convince myself and create the illusion that I manage my shit quite well. Well, maybe even right now might still be an act, but at the moment… I don’t care, I guess? Hahaha. I don’t know what sparked inside that I suddenly got all these motivations and inspirations. Maybe a muse finally entranced me. I hope it live inside me forever until I can be a muse to others.

In the lieu of all of these, I established three pillars I can always go back to if I find myself off track.

r e w r i t e | r e v a m p | r e c r e a t e

○rewrite

•I’m actually taking AB Journalism but you don’t know how much I hate writing, hahaha. Well, to be precise, it’s not hate on writing but on physically writing with a pen or typing on a keyboard itself. What a drag, right? Lololol. I want to get back on not just writing, but also reading. I shit you not, I can devour five and more books in just a day back then. The bookworm me died long ago for some unknown reasons. I really miss that ecstatic feeling of travelling to various places, dungeons, dimensions, parallel universe, and just being engrossed to a story through books. I also really want to turn the notes I jotted down: those pieces of ideas, epiphanies, what ifs, and fragments of story concepts, into something that can make people feel the same addicting feeling I felt reading others’ worlds. I only told few about this, but one of my dreams is actually to be a storyboard writer for games. I enjoy playing games, and I played a lot where I felt so involve because of the story line it served. Persona 3, Dragon Nest, these are only few that inspired and amazed me. I want to write more. That’s also one of the reasons why I pushed myself into blogging. With this I can practice not just writing but also letting the chaos inside out of my system. Journaling, too! I had more than ten unused notebooks for journaling but I never really touched them. I used to keep a diary back in elementary, but someone read a rather personal content from it aloud, and it caused a lot of fuss on our section. Woah, I guess that backstory wraps it up why I hated writing, hahaha, we’ve got some introspection going on here right now.

○revamp

•I’m not really good at Math and Sciences. I think that’s why I tend to fall on the artistic spectrum type of person. You know what, I’m gonna claim it! I’M AN ARTIST! I’m still on search for my own style, thou, that’s why I included “revamp”. I know sooooo many artistic and inspiring people both on the internet and “real world” if you may. I’m always wowed and awed by their artworks, and it has this tingling effect inside that screams “I wanna do that, that, and that too.” And since I’m still on search for my own style, I’m incorporating a part of their crafts into mine. Don’t get me wrong thou, it’s not to copy someone else’s work but to get an inspiration from it and turn it into something I can call myself mine. This applies, not just to me but to everyone. Don’t steal someone else’s hard work. If you’re going to use their art, ask their permission, credit them and help them gather the prominence they need and deserve, or if you can afford, buy and support their crafts 😁 Finding my own style… uniqueness is one of the things that always traps me in a rabbit hole of thinking. Brushing your teeth, going to school, sleeping, waking up, and repeating all these boring courses and routines, how can we say that we are unique from one another when at the end of the day, our existence doesn’t really matter and insignificant on a greater scale? I guess this stems from that unreasonable desire of wanting to make a name for myself and leaving a mark on the world. I want to, if not be, at least create something that can inspire and resonate to others ❤

○recreate

•Speaking of creating, I used to think that creating art was just a hobby of mine. But now, I create in order to survive. Therapy? Escape? Salvation? Call it whatever you want. Creating made me able to breathe again. I want to keep creating. I want to put my everything into all of my crafts. They serve as the materialization of my joy, rage, pleasure, sins, punishment, glee, vanity, of every emotion and thoughts I have. They are my desire, insecurities, hostility, and vengeance. My art is both me and not me. They are fragments of myself, for either something that completes me or something that would make me lose myself. No matter what the canvas is, I’d strive to forge something. Stories, design and layout, photographs, makeup, coffee—I want to explore all of them and get the first-hand experience of doing it.

The idea is to “re:ryan” meaning to “ryan again”, to claim my old self back. As much as I hate and cringe over past me, I would say I’m much more happier and bolder back then.

The whole brand also revolves around self-love and self-empowerment and embracing the darkness within one’s self. I want to tell everyone that monsters indeed live within us. It’s embedded to us. It’s what make us humans after all. And it is okay. It’s okay to feel insecure to that rich and pretty girl in your class, it is okay to feel jealous on someone else’s life, it’s okay to feel unreasonably mad about something. The important thing is, being aware of it, and what you do after realizing and accepting the reason of why you’re feeling a certain way. Embrace your darkness, it what makes you who you are. It’s the negative space that makes your passion and personality stand out ❤😁

Yeah… talking about that… I’m admitting something. The first pillar, rewrite… is actually meant for something else. It’s to keep rewriting that letter. I call it the “Letter of No Return”. For years, a temporary logout doesn’t work anymore, more than a reset button, I want to completely terminate my account and delete my character from this crappy game called “Life”. If you ask me, nowadays, I still want to end it all, actually, I don’t really mind if a sudden “Game Over” came flashing to me. But, for some whatever reason it may be, I want to finish this game without regrets, I keep wondering, how strong the “Last Boss” would be, how many shitty and fun side quests would I receive, on what “level” would I reach, how many “EXP points” would I cringe and be proud of. I keep wondering. That’s why I want to keep rewriting that letter. Rewrite and rewrite until I can proudly tear it off and not rely on it as a cheat code to “Esc”.

[reryanblogs]

. Blogger shot loljk 😂 Don’t touch me, I’m famous *insert screenshots here* ㅋㅋㅋ . How are you these days? Have you eaten yet? Have you even taken a bath in this cold weather ❄️ . I know I can be the biggest hypocrite on not taking a bath lol but I hope you take even just a sec on asking yourself, if you are really taking care of yourself. . ☕️Go for a walk, sip a cup of tea, talk to a friend, sing at the bathroom! . No matter who you are, no matter what you hate about yourself, I hope you’re taking steps on accepting those “flaws” that you labeled, and try to do something about it which maybe you can improve or just assess without bias. . Hope you guys have a great year ahead! 🎆 . #selflove #selfempowerment #mentalhealth #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral #monochrome #achromatic

[reryanblogs]

. 👻Back again with another product review. I should make this a thing lol. . The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1% is the very first product I tried from Deciem. And this brand gained so much hype and rave in the beauty industry. The rave wasn’t a joke! It took me quite some time before I got my hands on this. They are always out-of-stock and you need to pre-order it which always takes forever. In fact, you’ll see that they are always running out of stocks in their factories (?) on their IG stories. . 👩🏻‍🔬I’ve heard about this product from my beloved skin care guru @aboutliahyoo 😍😍😍 Go stalk her and binge-watch all her YouTube videos, you’ll thank me (and her) later. I’ve learned so many educational stuffs from her and watching her videos not just changed most of my perspectives in the beauty industry but also empower myself with self-love. . Lol, sorry, I got carried away and almost forgot the review. Niacinamide, also known as Vitamin B3 is supposed to reduce the appearance of skin blemishes and congestion and an active ingredient that must be in your regimen. I haven’t seen my blemishes fading yet but it did kinda lighten up my skin, I guess. It’s not that it toned up my skin tone but more like it made my face less dull.

. 1️⃣The first time I used it, I woke up with such a divine aura surrounding my face. I was taken aback. I think it’s the first time in centuries that I waked up with those nice vibes 🤩 . ✨It has a bit of tingling feeling but I guess it’s because of the open wounds I got from my past breakouts. . But rather than the results, I’ve noticed a drastic change on the application of the subsequent products I use. Especially with moisturizers. It just glides and absorb on my skin, which is nice 👍🏻 . 🌙Oh, I also just incorporate this on my routine at night because apparently, it peels like crazy, haven’t encountered it yet thou, but I just avoid it to cut down on the skin care products I apply before makeup to avoid caking 🎂 . Liah Yoo makes high-quality content on skin care, subscribe to her 💖 . #theordinary #theordinaryniacinamide #skincare #skincarediet #minimalism #minimal #black #grey #white #neutral #monochrome #achromatic

[reryanblogs]

seasons