rili-trying-blog

[rili-trying-blog]

just a little jumpstart

Hi! I should really be writing a paper right now. But I can’t seem to start. So to jumpstart my thoughts, I shall write right now. Because I have a lot of things in my mind! So for this year.

I want to lose at least 20 lbs.

I need to study for ACET. My life finally has some sort of direction now! I’m really glad. Will write more about this soon.

I want to read more.

I need to do this paper. Fuck.

I have to pass my drafts. ALL OF THEM.

I have a lot of things to do.

But for now, I really have to write this paper. So I should go down. Probably. Have a change of scenery. Breathe. Get some coffee. and then work, work, work.

I gotta write more on this site. Damn it. I keep forgetting.

Anyway, I shall bid you, reader and empty universe of tumblr, adieu.

Talk to you later

-Rili trying. Now with a purpose.

[rili-trying-blog]

[rili-trying-blog]

haha, holy shit, that was amazing.

When I was back in 7th grade, my Language Arts teacher must have figured out that sitting me next to the rowdy kids got them to quiet down a little or something. At various times I sat near each of them. So, we’re getting towards the end of the year, and I’m getting tired of self righteous attention seeking boys who’d rather have the whole class stare at them than learn, when I find myself next to this boy who seems to physically not know how to shut up. This wouldn’t be a problem, if he kept his volume at a reasonable level, but no, he had to be the only thing I could hear. Like, our teacher was less than 5 feet away from me, one day, on the other side from him, explaining something I really wanted to know, and I could not hear that she was speaking. I could see it, I just couldn’t hear her freaking voice. From 5 feet. Now, I was tired that day, and being around loud people can be quite draining, so I asked him, in the politest way I knew how, to please quiet down for a few minutes. He… didn’t. A few minutes later, I asked him to please stop talking so I could hear our teach. No such luck. Things progressed like that for, oh, ten minutes or so, as I got progressively more direct in telling him that I wanted him quiet. Eventually I told him “Shut up or I will kick you.” Now, I’m small, scrawny, and known for nonviolence. He laughed me off. Something like a minute later, I followed through, because I’ve always been taught that honesty is the best policy. He, of course, tried to turn this into him getting attention. “SHE KICKED ME!” I was mortified, I was sure I was going to get in trouble for making it physical. Forget that I was the teachers pet, I had just lashed out at another student! Our teacher, utterly sick of being unable to teach effectively bc of him, leaned back against the bookshelf counter, crossed her arms over her chest and said “Well, then, you probably deserved it.” I gaped. He looked utterly offended. Everyone else laughed, and dawning horror spread across her face. “Did I say that out-loud?” She asked. I nodded, still unsure if I was in trouble, as he made offended noises, looking around at our ecstatic classmates. “Oh god, I could get fired for that!”

He was quieter after that, even though I had to sit next to him for the last few remaining weeks of the year. I don’t know if my teacher did or didn’t get fired, but she stayed at least until the end of the year.

[rili-trying-blog]

June 26, 2018 - things

Today I accomplished: Nothing. Went to one class. Cut the other. What’s the point in all this Feeling: Scared. One hour until tomorrow. I should sleep. Good night. Talk to you tomorrow, I guess. I hope you’re feeling okay. Inbox is open as always. - Rili, trying.

[rili-trying-blog]

June 26, 2018

Today was not a productive day. I went to one class, cut the other. I had dinner with a friend. We talked a lot about DnD. I talked to my cousin. That... I found out a lot. We haven’t talked in months since snapchat wasn’t really a great app for us to talk anymore. So I made an instagram just to be able to message him because I missed him. He’s one of the sweetest people I know. And he told me stories like we usually do. He was mad in love. I’m proud of him and yet I felt so sad at the end of his story. Then...I found out he was suicidal. Way before the relationship. He felt worthless and insecure and it just hit me. I cried over this. I cried for him and his broken heart. I cry for him and his thoughts. I cry because no one can ever know that you are, that you think that way. And it scares me. It scares me to think that my friends could be suicidal but I’m not reaching out enough. My friends could be thinking of taking their life and I could have passed their message because I’m taking a break from social media or I’m out having fun or I’m doing schoolwork. The thought scared me. But he now has great support from old and new friends who listen to his rants and thoughts and listens, just listens. So please, to whoever is reading this, please, listen to everyone, it may be a cry for help, it may be just something they need to get out of their system, but please, listen.

[rili-trying-blog]

To myself,

You are a strong person. Everyone thinks so. So you should think so too. You are a strong person. Cute. Capable. Happy. You can do everything you put your mind into. You’ve seen yourself do it. You know you can. You can do it. You should start. You should change your clothes. Reduce those tabs. You can do it. I’ll talk to you soon. Get off of Tumblr. And Twitter. I’m trying my best to love you. I love you. - Rili, trying her best.

[rili-trying-blog]

I don’t know.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. There are so many tabs open in my browser. Yet finishing everything is nowhere near close. I haven’t done any papers. No productivity is done, should have gone to class, should have done my tasks. I know. I know that forgiving oneself is important. I know I should start. I know these things. All the tips, all the advice. Because I gave them away. I supported people with the same words I scream at myself. Yet I don’t do anything. I want to do it, trust me. But I don’t. I feel terribly overwhelmed. My writing is a mess. My hands try to type this paper and yet my thoughts are filled with these. These words I type now are the words that go through my head. In and out yet constantly about. If I don’t distract myself with twitter and games and menial tasks, the overwhelming feeling comes back. I know. I know the key is to start. I know that I need to start and I need to finish tasks to feel fulfilled, to feel alright, to not feel overwhelmed, to feel relaxed and calmed for the night. I know all these things. I have repeated them over and over. I have watched videos over and over. Yet I don’t start. I don’t finish. Please send help. I don’t know anymore. I guess it’s time to start. I have no choice.

[rili-trying-blog]

It infuriated me that he knew me by heart.

Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes From Underground (via notesfromtheundergroundman)

[rili-trying-blog]

[rili-trying-blog]

June 25, 2018: To productivity

I want to list out the things I have accomplished this month and things I want to accomplish as half of the year approaches, as 2018 quickly ends. Things I have accomplished this month: 1. I have picked up Welcome to Nightvale once again. Currently finished the first four episodes. It’s nice to hear Cecil’s voice again, gushing over Carlos’ perfect hair. 2. I have picked up Dungeons and Dragons! We’re going through Storm King’s Thunder(?). I’m playing as a winged tiefling warlock named Rain. So far, I’m having the best time with the best people. Though it has wrecked my sleeping schedule. 3. I have picked up Stardew Valley. I played for a few hours, feeling utterly lost on what to do. I have now consulted the internet and will start over again this week. 4. I have picked up Doki Doki Literature Club and have been streaming with dnd friends. So far, uhm, I think I’m enjoying it. Let’s see. 5. I have started a journal, putting in movie tickets, schedules, to-do lists. Tasks that I’d rather not put in here in detail. 6. I have started using some of my stickers and the washi tape I bought. Finally got the courage to do it. I hope I don’t get too scared to use it in my journal. I bought them for sticking it, not for them to lie around the cabinet. 7. I picked up astrology with a friend. We’re slowly educating ourselves through twitter. Currently writing a paper on it for class. I only have a Virgo in Mars, please. The list is me trying to be organized, not me being organized. If that makes any sense. 8. I have watched six movies this month! Four in cinemas, two movies worthy of listing on my laptop. I might post my thoughts on them soon. Maybe I’ll do it after the movie we’re going to watch on Thursday. 9. I have unfollowed everyone on Facebook, except art accounts, local cinemas, Rappler, and Ted Talks. So far, so good. I also deleted my Twitter app, but I found a loophole. I’ll try reducing more time on that soon. 10. I bought a desk lamp and a watch. Expensive. But I used my own money and have been using both of them diligently. Things I want to accomplish before the month ends: 1. Watch a 7th movie. 2. Build a silo in Stardew Valley. 3. Reach ep. 10 for wtnv. 4. Finish Every Soul a Star. 5. Finish inquiry paper draft by tomorrow. Or at least have an outline. 6. Wake up at 6. Sleep by 11-12. Have 6-8 hours of sleep. 7. Clear out 1 hour for studying. 15 minutes of working out. Eat on time. 15 mins. of decluttering every day. 8. Focus more. One thing at a time. 9. Do a “notes for July” and movie reviews. 10. Sweep the room. That’s it! 10 each. Hopefully, I won’t feel too overwhelmed. Again, inbox? Open. I’m here to talk. :) Talk to you soon.  - Rili, trying her best.

[rili-trying-blog]

June 25, 2018

I have a certain paranoia in writing things down on paper. The thought of my mother going through my room, looking for things and accidentally bringing out makes me feel anxious. She once borrowed my phone, looking through pictures, maybe checking if I was making any good memories, I’m not really sure. But I’m pretty sure she saw one of my screenshots of a chat I had with a random stranger on a site that, well, lets you talk to strangers. It was a chat on a now past love and best friend and now, hopefully, a good friend once again. A different story for a different day. I’m sure she saw that because she started not asking, not probing, not mentioning his name. But that felt nerve-wracking, so I learned my lesson and started decluttering my phone and photos, every once in a while, making sure nothing on it could be used against me or could change my relationships with others. I can’t write on paper now. How easy would it be to accidentally find a transcript of your thoughts that are supposedly for yourself and for the void of the paper as your audience? I would feel pretty naked if someone found it. So we don’t want that. I thought of using twitter and I do, but mostly for shitposting and exploring my hobbies and interests. Hence, tumblr. Creating this blog. I’d want to write down my feelings, my thoughts. Things I could not tell other people. Things that I have said repeatedly and would like to jot down. A chance to write. A log on my productivity. A summary of my day-to-day experiences. A diary. A journal. Another void to scream and express my feelings into. So, to whoever is reading this. Welcome, I hope you find a more productive way of spending your time soon. Because I can’t imagine reading about my thoughts and feelings as a productive way to spend your time. But hey, I hope you do enjoy yourself, maybe relate a little. My inbox is open if you want to talk. Talk to you soon.  - Rili, trying her best.