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listening to the beatles and cooking dinner one element at a time, and then eating the previous one while the next cooks

as part of my effort to enjoy the small moments and make the most of my life i’ve decided to start a list of moments that feel like moments aka moments i feel fully involved in or im just like wow this is my life and im living it

doing my produce/meal prep for the week at like 9pm in an empty apartment while listening to music

biting into a whole cucumber while listening to billy joel’s piano man play at the pool while it rains gently (bathing suit, towel, and baseball hat)

eating chocolate cake in bed while listening to jazz music and reading fanfiction

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as part of my effort to enjoy the small moments and make the most of my life i’ve decided to start a list of moments that feel like moments aka moments i feel fully involved in or im just like wow this is my life and im living it

doing my produce/meal prep for the week at like 9pm in an empty apartment while listening to music

biting into a whole cucumber while listening to billy joel’s piano man play at the pool while it rains gently (bathing suit, towel, and baseball hat)

eating chocolate cake in bed while listening to jazz music and reading fanfiction

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i will forever be grateful for the bath that i took that caused me to realize that i could listen to jazz music to get that same content happy nostalgia happy vibes that listening to christmas music gives

because in winter christmas music is a great way to help when feeling low but listening to it during the summer or like in february would make me more depressed,,,,,

i also like it because it’s a slower mood so it feels more real and lasting than just like playing pop music because most of that time going from a depression nap/crying to straight pop feels too artificial and somehow ends with more crying

especially because i used to get stuck in these loops of watching cottage core or like choose your own adventure tiktok’s and just listening to the soft whimsy jazz music in the background but like in a depressing way because i would romanticize the lives on the screen but now i put some jazz on and all of a sudden being by myself for the third day in a row and having to make dinner and wash dishes makes me feel content and warm inside

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i need someone to tell me i’m being stupid because i keep seeing all this running advice stuff and its talking about how good runners run like 40-50 miles a week and im like wow im not even running 10 a week rn and its like yeah you just started running consistently a month ago and you never ran long distance in like high school or whatever of course youre not running 40+ miles a week

on an alternate note i am very proud that i had my longest run today both time and distance i wasn’t even aiming for a 5k but i did it and i need to remember to be happy about that and not stress about how it took me almost an hour compared to other people’s 5k times and more focus on the fact that i can freaking run for almost and hour straight without stopping because thats so cool???

i am trying to figure out diet too though at the same time because i’m trying to be healthier about food which means yes maybe smaller portion sizes and less snacking but it also means that i want to eat food that’s good and is going to fuel my body and also not cut anything out of my diet, it’s just kind of hard because the last two days i’ve had my longest runs but ive also had my hardest eating days, im also trying not to spend ten million dollars on groceries so ive been trying to find good cheap recipes, im definitely looking for more way to get fiber and high satiety foods in my diet as well as high volume, i might start a little recipe post of stuff that i want to eat more and then what i make with it

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like he just hangs out in her room while she’s at classes,…,

how long before i’m legally allowed to get annoyed that my roommate boyfriend is here

the thing is she does usually ask or like she asked the first couple time but now i feel he’s been here for a while or he just keeps showing up, like he was here last night when i got back from work and ig he stayed the night because he’s still here and like he was here the previous night because of a concert which i was fine with and like she pays the same amount that i do and ill have friends stay the night at some point so it evens out, and like its fine that he’s here and he seems nice enough i thinks it’s mostly just the fact that i don’t know him and he’s here,,,,,,,..because when i actually add up the time he’s been here is not a ton it just feels like a ton :/

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how long before i’m legally allowed to get annoyed that my roommate boyfriend is here

the thing is she does usually ask or like she asked the first couple time but now i feel he’s been here for a while or he just keeps showing up, like he was here last night when i got back from work and ig he stayed the night because he’s still here and like he was here the previous night because of a concert which i was fine with and like she pays the same amount that i do and ill have friends stay the night at some point so it evens out, and like its fine that he’s here and he seems nice enough i thinks it’s mostly just the fact that i don’t know him and he’s here,,,,,,,..because when i actually add up the time he’s been here is not a ton it just feels like a ton :/

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out of body experience at work today with the lines all the way to the aisles and wrapping around while my heart will go on by celine dion plays over the speakers

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being on your period in the summer sucks because all i want to do right now is curl up in bed under a mountain of blankets with heating pad a hot drink and hot soup but realistically it is so gross outside that it would make me feel worse and not better

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one thing that’s exciting about my running now that i’ve been doing it for a couple weeks is that even though i’m still feeling tired and challenged during the actual run, i feel like im recovering faster, like i remember my first couple runs i would be super winded and had to like sit down and drink water and eat before being able to move and now i drink a bit of water and jump into the shower and feel fine, my face redness last for a while but i feel recovered faster than i used to

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i kind of want to start journaling but actually writing in a journal can be hard to start so we’re going to try this

today i am grateful for the run i went on this morning, it was a really good run and i feel like it’s starting to get a little easier and im able to run longer now than i was a couple weeks ago which is really exciting, im looking forward to seeing how much faster i’ll hopefully get and maybe start to lose some weight, im not actively trying to lose weight but i am trying to be healthier if that makes sense, like ive been trying to be more conscious of what im eating and even though im trying to not cut foods out ive been trying to do smaller portion sizes and also adding food so like if i really want pasta ill also have a protein and high fiber veggies with it too ya know, the past two days ive also woken up earlyish and im hoping to keep that streak going, also shout out to the old lady doing pottery on her porch this morning that i ran by twice you are an icon

while the second half of my unplanned shift at work today sucked to get through i did in fact work over six hours and i will be getting paid, i think my goal is to make at least 2 a week to definitely cover monthly payments and also still have some for fun stuff,

i have a lot of expenses coming up this summer between comic con and everything i got for that but also gas money and stuff i want to buy at the con, oooh maybe ill make a list of potential stuff to spend my money on or like make a budget

i did enjoy dinner even if my onigiri kind of fell apart, i did like the rice seasoning so i might do that again even if im just doing a rice bowl, i feel like the onigiri was a bit too much effort, my egg was so freaking good though, apparently 4 minutes boiling on hi is the perfect time for this stove, the everything bagel seasoning also slapped ive really been enjoying that recently

i didn’t want to spend money at the grocery store today but it was such a good price for those cherries and i will enjoy the cheese and rolls, they’ll make good snack and i want to try making little sandwiches with the dinner rolls, i need to put them in the freezer tho, also side note i need to double check tuna price because damn all the people talking about how canned tuna is great for you were kidding but if i can get 6 portions of chicken for 5 bucks but only 3-4 portions of tuna for the same cost idk how often ill buy it, i did like that i didnt have to cook it tho i did end up using a tsp of mayo in addition to greek yogurt which isn’t bad at all, it helped make it creamier and also added so fat which helps you feel satiated

finally i’ve really enjoyed watching temptation island with one of my roommates and i think another might join us tomorrow so that’s exciting especially since i don’t know either of them super well yet

i think i’m doing a good job keeping my room clean so far and im really happy with how it’s come out, i think it’s pretty much done, maybe just some final touches but i literally feel so happy when i just walk in and see everything, i do think i want to get a string of pearls plant or wandering sailor tho

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while i don’t regret getting high tonight it is still kind of early with the new roommates for me to feel comfortable stumbling around the kitchen to cook something for my munchies when two or them are talking at the table with one of their boyfriends that i literally met today

i’m so excited for it to be fall now that i have my own apartment because i think the high movie night vibes will be even better when im all cuddled up with a hot drink and immaculate vibes instead of me not wanting to use my laptop to watch my show because it makes me warm and i’m already lightly sweating even with a fan pointing at me

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i’m so excited for it to be fall now that i have my own apartment because i think the high movie night vibes will be even better when im all cuddled up with a hot drink and immaculate vibes instead of me not wanting to use my laptop to watch my show because it makes me warm and i’m already lightly sweating even with a fan pointing at me

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i cracked the code to getting getting and staying in shape, if you start your weight loss stuff in summer you get to start eating healthier and dieting when it’s warm and decently easy to eat healthy because salads fruits and grilling are all popular so it’s easier to eat smaller and lighter meals, there’s lots of healthier burger options and if you’re craving ice cream it’s easy to make healthy popsicles or sorbet to satisfy something cold and sweet

and then in fall heading into holiday season, you’re eating less in your regular and eating healthier in general so you can have what you want but still have a healthier diet, and then also because you have been working out and lifting weights you have a lot more muscle know which needs a lot more calories to maintain or even still continue to reduce as well as used to just working off extra calories in general

and then spring roles around and you just continue it and the whole thing continues

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even after being out of the house for the most part for four years im still only just now coming to terms/realizing that my family isn’t like other families and that it’s not normal or okay some of the ways my parents behave and it’s so confusing to me because sometimes they do act normal and everything seems fine but other times everyone just seems so miserable and i feel bad for my brother because he doesn’t have any healthy models of behavior for how to act when you are upset and angry because they yell when they’re angry and sometimes they throw stuff or punch the wall so that’s what he does and they just make each other worse and i feel over dramatic when im typing this but im literally laying in bed on the verge of tears even hours afterwards and i didnt even here the argument just saw and heard about the aftermath and i just feel scared because i dont feel safe because i cant predict what someone will do just because they’re upset and if i dont feel safe then how can my brother feel safe but also i cant do anything for him and he is also miserable to be around and oh my god my dad and my brother need therapy so fucking bad and my mom goes but she can’t fix everything by herself and she also has her own moments because what was that in the car but the i feel bad because she is so miserable and gets treated bad and i get it but you can’t treat me that way either and being home is just so complicated because i love them and i want them to be how they are sometimes/pretend to be all the time or like not as bad as they are

either way this is a good reminder and i’m putting it in writing so i can’t ignore it but i should get therapy for this too, it feels like im betraying them by talking to someone about it but when they fight i just feel so bad and scared and sad and anxious even though most of the time im just there and im not the center of anyone’s focus and im scared because how am i going to be in my future relationships and friendships because i have been lucky enough that i haven’t had any big or even small fights as far as i can tell with my friends so i dont know how im going to react and like part of me is scared to date someone i think too and have to to introduce someone to my family and have them be stuck with them

i think i’ve just been scared a lot lately, especially for my future and all aspects of it, anyways therapy is a good idea and i should get one and talk to them about my family because holy shit this is complicated

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it is once again that time of the not month, i perhaps should have noticed it was coming when i took two hour long naps today and generally just didn’t get anything done but in my defense it was late and also i got to pet my cat a lot which was great

i swear sometimes just realizing makes things worse because shorty after i did the back pain started as the the general body aches?? right now my right shoulder hands?? and legs are aching specifically but i just feel really shitty all the way around

i also feel gross and disgusting and like nothing fits which isn’t great when i’m trying to finish going through my closet and the only thing i can think of it wow i look awful, not my face tho for some reason, my face card was actually kind of giving in the mirror which was impressive considering my acne rn

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update days later, i did in fact eat the cheezits and they were very good even though they were not ranch flavored

i have the munchies but i can’t do anything about because it late and if i get up then the dog will get up which will wake my parents up, i do technically have cheezits in my room but i also have my retainer in and brushed my teeth and i want tortilla chips with ranch and guacamole that would be so fucking good this is why i don’t like getting high at home because i always end up doing it late and then like i can’t do anything

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if the fact that i’ll never have the physique of a teenage boy makes me vaguely want to cry it’s nobody’s business, least of all mine