roomtempmess

[roomtempmess]

i'm never sure what to do with the fact that you still visit my dreams from time to time so many years later. i know i can't reach out in a way that you would actually see, so this otherwise abandoned space makes the most sense. here goes:

i hope you're doing well. i hope you know i didn't stop messaging because i didn't want to talk. i just needed more effort than what you were able to put in at the time, and i at the very least am at peace with where things ended. i think i'm happier now, and i harbour no hard feelings towards you.

the first time i saw your brother, he was far enough away that i thought you had come back. i had a panic attack imagining having to introduce you to my partner because god, it's obvious that i have a type. another soft, tall nerd with long, curly hair. whoops. it wasn't intentional that i started talking to him immediately after i stopped reaching out to you, it was just some... convenient? inconvenient?... i'm not quite sure what kind, but it was just some... timing.

i swore i wouldn't reach out again until you were the one to start a conversation for once. it sounds silly now to just do that without communicating more clearly, but i really wasn't okay back then and that was as close as i could get to doing the right thing. for a few months there, i purposely let my own boundaries get trampled in a desperate hope that i would end up somewhere where i could be happy. in some senses, i did get there, though i've learned since then that happiness can't be the goal in life. discomfort is necessary and inevitable, and the pursuit of pure happiness only breeds misery. it's odd that i was so willing to actively make myself miserable to be 'happy', and it's probably odder still that i've realized that the happiest i can be involves letting myself be miserable when i need to be.

there are some things you should really never know about how i was doing then, so i won't even hazard to mention them here.

i will say that i tried to read that book series, the one you wished you could discuss with more people. fantasy novels aren't really my speed, and university made my poor adhd brain feel illiterate, so i didn't make it very far, but i tried. i know you followed that one band i told you about on spotify, though we never talked about them again, so i'll assume that we were in similar boats on that one.

i'm much more self-assured now. i'm not so terrified that everyone hates me, and that has largely come out of some more stable relationships that have developed since we knew each other. some of those relationships have been with a couple folks we used to play d&d with together. you still come up in conversation with them every once in a while. sprocket, pmug, and theobold would probably still happily come back to life if any of us had the time. i never know whether i should correct them on how they're referring to you. i never know whether or not i'm supposed to know how best to refer to you.

i'm thinking of trying to get to know your brother more. he seems like a good kid, and he's only recently started talking to me like i'm a normal person. i know he's an awkward dude and that's probably all that was happening, but i couldn't help but feel, for a while, like there was something he knew that i didn't. he's pretty close with my partner and a lot of my close friends, and my partner and i tried to invite him over along with a big group of folks for a thanksgiving thing, but it looks like that won't happen until january now. when i said you weren't the only one who struggled with time management, i really wasn't lying.

again, i really do hope you're doing well (you looked so good in green, etc., etc.). if you wanted to catch up at some point, i'd be happy to chat. unfortunately, some poor 20-year-old kid made a promise to themselves about reaching out, so i can't start that conversation, but you're still more than welcome to shoot me a text. my number hasn't changed.

[roomtempmess]

i've definitely heard of people having the demisexual experience of thinking they were ace until they experienced sexual attraction, but has anyone else thought that they were allosexual until they experienced sexual attraction? because i was certain that the romantic attraction i had experienced for people was, to some degree, also sexual attraction until i met my current partner and realized that it Very Much Was Not because for him i definitely feel Different

[roomtempmess]

sorry i’m bisexual and easily distracted

[roomtempmess]

i'm a bit of a diy gender haver, myself. a patchwork genderer, if you will. a veritable gender magpie.

[roomtempmess]

sometimes taking care of yourself is really just getting to a point of "yeah okay, good enough" and not forcing yourself to do more than that.

like, did i take a shower? yes. did i wash my hair in said shower? no. i didn't have the mental energy required to turn the water to cold to protect my coloured hair, and i felt bad about washing it in warm and fading the colour faster, but i still showered, so that's okay.

did i walk to the grocery store? yes. did i buy only things i need? no. did i walk back? also no. i have a few extra dollars to buy snacks, so i'm allowed to do that, and i was too mentally and physically tired to walk the half hour back with a full bag, so i took the bus. i still moved my body some, i still spent time outside, and i still got what i needed, so that's okay.

did i do some dishes? yes. are there still a ton of dirty dishes on my kitchen table? also yes. i have clean cutlery, cups, and plates now though which is not something i could've said yesterday, so that's okay.

have i made myself food? yes. has literally every meal i've made in the last two days been a breakfast sandwich? yes. breakfast sandwiches, fruit, and rice cakes are basically all i want to eat right now, so they're all i'm eating, but i'm still eating so that's okay.

have i gotten to doing the reading for my summer course today? no, not yet. are both the idea of doing it and the impending doom that will come next week if i don't do it stressing me out? yes. am i going to keep trying to find the energy and motivation to read? yes, but i am not going to beat myself up if i don't get "enough" of it done.

yes it would be nice if i could do more, but i need to, for my own sake, not get upset about what i haven't done. i'm doing what i can, i'm honestly giving it my best shot, and i need to allow myself grace about it.

on top of that, i actually can't let myself be a perfectionist about my wellbeing because otherwise i get stuck in a trap of thinking that if i'm not going to finish a task, there's no point in starting it, but there is a point! i'm eating and cleaning myself and cleaning my space and spending time in the sun and moving my body and taking care of myself. that's what the point is, but if i never let myself start my half-finished self care tasks, i'll never do anything that's good for me.

[roomtempmess]

my brain just smashed together 'monumental' and 'momentous' into 'monumentous' so that's a free new word to annoy your awful English teachers and delight your wonderful English teachers with

[roomtempmess]

yes

jelly jeans

[roomtempmess]

i swear 99% of the things that i read online don't make me laugh, but if a friend of mine were to text me those exact same words i would entirely lose my shit

[roomtempmess]

i only crave two things: romance and death

[roomtempmess]

to clarify, this is because when i find a bug in my house or when one comes flying at my face, i will often say "excuse me sir/ma'am, i'm going to have to ask you to leave"

it's entirely possible that the only context that i'll ever use "ma'am" or "sir" ever again is regarding insects

[roomtempmess]

it's entirely possible that the only context that i'll ever use "ma'am" or "sir" ever again is regarding insects

[roomtempmess]

tumblr ads are wild, but this youtube ad is trying to get me to change my pronouns. idk man, neopronouns just aren't for me, you don't have to insist so hard

[roomtempmess]

jelly jeans

[roomtempmess]

forget hand-to-hand COMBAT, it's time for hand-to-hand CONTACT

[roomtempmess]

new personality test: which line of no children do you want to scream a bit louder than the rest?

[roomtempmess]

like this

concept: booty shorts that have "i flexed and the legs fell off" written across the back

[roomtempmess]

concept: booty shorts that have "i flexed and the legs fell off" written across the back