runawaysoda

[runawaysoda]

Finding your way in life is so hard.

I am sitting here so close to the precipice of change, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I’m so afraid.

For the last two years, my life has been hectic. I fell in love with a kind and quiet person. I developed a strange sickness. I lost job after job because I couldn’t get through a few hours without having a seizure. I couldn’t find stable work for months. I got into therapy just to be told I couldn’t talk about my trauma because I was so unstable. It could only make the seizures worse, not better…

The person I fell in love with came out to me. She was my girlfriend now. I took it well, and I knew I would still love her the same. We signed a 15 month lease. It wasn’t until the reality of all the changes hit that I realized I was unhappy.

So much of my life was changing, falling into itself over and over like a black hole. Nothing was stable, nothing was the same.

I had a breakthrough with a job, and a free schooling opportunity. I can finally turn my life around again

Slowly she and I grew apart. Less sex, less kisses, less hugs, less talking. More arguing, more jealousy, more isolation. So much loneliness. Blaming it on external factors. Sitting down with her week after week trying to talk away the issues. So many promises of change. I’m sorry, I will, I didn’t mean to. So many broken promises over and over and over.

Nothing we discussed and nothing we did made any difference. I was unhappy. I was struggling and I needed things to be different.

Another lease is signed against better judgement. Another 15 months of this. Another 15 months… of this?

The final conversation was today. I am unhappy again. I’m unsatisfied still. Nothing has really changed. She and I are friends. We have been only that for the past 6 months. She cried and I am calm. But she agrees with the issues. But still it hurts her.

I will come to terms with the changes. The subtle leftovers of the relationship we shared will fade out more and more over time. I’m almost hoping I will be more upset.

It’s so hard to let go of something I’ve worked so hard for, but the relief of letting go of the pain of failure after failure is exhilarating.

I can focus on myself and my improvement. The only hindrance will be myself, and I can’t allow that any further. Two years of chaos is two too many.

After this final conversation, there is so much to resolve. We won’t be the same. We share a bed, a home, a life. We will need to split it. But it’s so difficult when I can tell she’s taking it so hard.

Change is so scary. Change is so so good and insanely difficult to swallow. The other shoe has slammed itself down now. And it was my doing. And I’m glad.