sankdvl

[sankdvl]

A New pressure

recently my CBSE class 10th result was declared, as i have mentioned in my previous blogs how much i had been dreading this day. my marks would decide the amount of respect and how much value people give to my opinions and views. peopke say marks don't matter but actually they do, they decide your position and worth in the society and in schools. people treat you better if you score better and this can be observed not only in schools but also among friends and relatives. so naturally like everyone i was scared. since i am a very paranoid person, i thought that i messed up my every single exam, i truly did not know how much to expect

I scored between 96% and 97% in my boards (i am not giving my exact percentage because i don't want anyone to discover who i am, i want to stay anonymous) and i was among the toppers. i don't know why i was so shocked at my result because now that i look back i realise that i actually did work hard and i did not write absolute bullshit in my answer script.

no one expected me to score this high, actually no one in my relatives knew how much i was going to score because neither i nor my familly discussed how i was doing in school and how much i scored unlike all my cousins whose marks were discussed and compared and how much of a big shot and genius they were. everyone expected them to be toppers and easily score in more than 95%.

when they found out about my result, some of them were shocked and happy and developed an expectation that i would be rich and successful while some were shocked and threatened and showed their true coluours. when some of my cousins' parents talked to me on phone they congratulated me with a heavy heart and clearly threw some shade at me, they tried belittle my achievement. they were not happy for me unlike me who was happy for my cousins's achievement, they now started seeing me as a potential threat

this is how i was added to the toxic rat race of success and intelligence. now everyone is paying attention at me and now everyone knows what i am capable of achieving and this has put alot of pressure on me because i want to live up to that expectation and show everyone who underestimated me that i am indeed not dumb. i want to maintain my position as someone who is intelligent and can do wonders and show those who thought less of who i really am. i am paranoid if i will ever be able to become rich and successful as class 10th is said to be the first and the easiest step to my future and from now on i.e from class 11th my real journey of struggle will begin and life will get harder as i pursue my higher studies which will ultimately decide wether i am strong and smart enough to make it and actually become something great in the real world

at the end i wish success to me and everyone and even those who don't like my achievements and don't support me. as i want to see my family as a whole, my cousins and all, living their best life, happily and independently in their own separate worlds and not bothering and interfering with each other as this would bring an end to this toxic rat race in my family of 'whose child is better'. which is currently putting a lot of pressure on me and ultimately making my anxiety worse.

bye

[sankdvl]

A little secret

Remember that i told you how i have always been very pationate and ambitious about what i do and how much i want to succeed in life, yeah, that may not be completely accurate.

Since i was a little kid to probably the first semester of tenth grade i had only dreamt about being successful, rich, independent, living in my own luxurious apartment somewhere in new york and working in a fast moving job

and then suddenly i don't know what happened from the second semester of 10th grade. i guess that reality hit me. i wasn't sure what i was doing and why i was doing, i was infact overwhelmed with assignments, exams, tests, pending work etc. i experienced a whole wave of uncertainty and anxiety whether i would be able to score good in my board examinations or not. I, my school, a few friends that i have, my parents, my relatives etc had so much expectations from me. i feared failing to live upto their and most importantly my expectations. suddenly i was being too harsh on myself. i was experiencing emotions that i had never felt before, i was very sad, i forgot eating my meals, sometimes i would go two days without eating anything, waking up seemed so hard suddenly, i felt disappointed, i would wake up crying and go to sleep crying. i don't know what happened, from a happy ambitious kid who knew what she was doing i was transformed into someone who just did not want to live anymore, i did not want to die because i had many responsibilities and many people who lovde me and i did not want to hurt them, but i wished i had never been born or somehow i could disappear from this world. nothing seemed real at that time. my depression lasted from october 2022 to march 2023. those were the most painful six months i had ever gone through

then my board exams were over and i was filled with relief. In the first week after my boards i was trying to adjust back to normal, i was trying to get out of depression, trying to sleep stress free. it was difficult to get out of the phase because i would have nightmares about me failing my exams, i felt guilty for not studying anymore even though my exams were over, i would wake up in the middle of the night thinking that my exams are not over yet and i was hallucinating about my exams getting over, i would suddenly wake up in the morning, panicking that i had to this or that chapter of mathematics etc. it took me around a week to accept the fact that my exams are over and that i can return to the normal lifestyle i had before 10th grade

Then came the honeymoon period. i was happy, i finally started getting back on my normal life, i was sleeping comfortably, eating, watching tv, cooking my favourite dishes, motivated to have a fresh start from grade 11, i felt that i could do anything. and as you would have guessed, thats when i wrote my first blog 'a little context'

But the again i from week three i realised that i was feeling the same emotions that i was feeling in oct 2022, all my friends had taken PCM or PCB and had already started coaching, they were all so busy while i was lying in my bed not understanding commerce, i tried studying commerce but everything seemed so new, foreign and difficult, i started questioning if commerce is right for me. then i started thinking about the things i had thought about doing after boards that i hadn't done, like learning French, learing how to code, and the we cancelled on our plan of getting a dog which really made me very upset, i felt that i had wasted my time. again i started losing interest in things. i was constantly thinking whether i could again become the happy ambitious person that i was before, i was scared about my result. i was going through the same process that led me to get into depression, i started sleeping till noon, lost faith in me, stopped eating because i wasn't getting hungry, i started crying, losing hope etc. But this time luckily i knew where my habits and feelings were headed so i am trying my best to not fall into the trap of depression again, i am making little progress day by day like instead of waking up at noon i am waking up at 10am, i appeciate myself even if i eat one meal a day because it is better than not eating anything at all etc, although i know i am going through a very scary and vulnerable time, i am trying to be easy on myself and assuring myself that there is still hope and at the end everything will be alright and its just a little dark phase that's going to pass soon and that i am not a failure and that can still achieve what little me wanted to achieve

[sankdvl]

A little context

hi! This is my first post, so let me introduce myself, I am Sankdvl (Its not my real name) , you can call me Sank for short. This is my only online presence i.e. i am not on any social media except for tumblr. I am a very private person and have an introverted personality, which explains why i am not on any social media. i live in India and in a capital city which i will not disclose. Although i live in a capital city i am fortunate enough to have a house in a place surrounded with greenery, birds, wildlife and literally no people. i enjoy living here. i am fifteen yrs old, nearly sixteen and i do not have any friends, because i hate interacting with people plus i have alot of animals to keep company with. i love animals, from a house lizard to dogs to snakes, i can keep them as pets. I have a sweet spot especially for indian street dogs, german shepherds, chihuahuas and pitbulls. i just finished my 10th board exams in march this year, it was a very stressful and depressive time for me because even though i have very supportive parents who do not care about my marks and only my wellbeing, i put a lot of pressure on myself to always do my best. i am among the top students of my class and i unfortunately feel that it defines how worthy i am and maybe thats why i put a lot of pressure on myself to maintain that position and have very high expectations from myself. i chose Commerce with maths for class 11th because i find people in finance very cool and love the hustle and bustle of business and finance and also in hollywood movies all the rich people work in finance. Although i sometimes doubt whether commerce is right for me or not because i performed the best in maths and science in board exams but i do not find these subjects that interesting and relatable. After schooling i want to attend Delhi University and get other degrees, maybe do masters from a top university abroad and ultimately settle abroad because i feel that i would only be able pay off my expensive education abroad by working abroad and also there would be more opportunities for me.

So i think you know enough about me to conclude that i love animals more than i love humans, i am very ambitious, an introvert and an anxious person.

with this i complete my introduction, bye!