sapphiregoggles22

[sapphiregoggles22]

You know, you think you have friends. You live life and you share love with them and special moments and you give your all with them. And the whole time, they’re lying to you. Making shit up. Finessing their way out of conversations. And you wonder why. And you have this awful unsettling feeling that their every move is false. That every word out of their mouth is to save face. They care more about themselves than literally anyone else. It’d be one thing to fuck another one of my best friends and not say anything. I don’t care about that. It’s when you take control and say “my sex like is none of your business” which is fine. If my friend is genuinely concerned about me not knowing their sex life that’s completely fine. Just don’t lie about it.

[sapphiregoggles22]

He apologized, he eased my mind, he told me I was the only one for him. What more do you want Lauren.

I guess just give it time.

I had to get out of that house for a while. We spent all day there.

I’m in my car rn at the whataburger listening to no music and crying a little bit.

All I can think of is how perfect I wanted to make Valentines day for him for weeks. The money I spent, the time it took to figure out what to get him, expecting something from him... idk I guess I thought what we were doing is different than what’s happening. And as I type this I know it’s not true.

[sapphiregoggles22]

Big part of me says I don’t deserve him

But another part of me says I really do.

[sapphiregoggles22]

You have no idea how good it feels to finally get appreciation and reciprocated affection from someone.

I’ve just been affectionately neglected for so long I forget what to do or how to react or what to say

I’m just glad I have it with someone. I feel so incredibly lucky and happy about it.

[sapphiregoggles22]

I was messaging Charles and I guess I was giving off too much interest??? And he asked me “you into me is what you are saying” and idk why but that made me super self conscious about our relationship that we have going currently.

Did I just mess this up?

I think all he wanted was a hookup damnit.

Idk!!!!!

Oh well

I’ll be ghosted today and I already knew I was gonna be hurt by this guy so I was prepared for this

I just didn’t know I was gonna be put on the spot like that?!

Idk I feel so weird now

I think the reason I feel weird is bc he didn’t respond back to my goodnight text

I just have this weird feeling I fucked this up.

Oh well.

I can’t help what I’m feeling OBVIOUSLY bc it happened without me even knowing.

Idk what to do.

I won’t talk to him today. I’ll let him come to me. If he doesn’t want me anymore that’s fine. I’ll just be kinda sad.

He was the nicest partner I met on tinder.

We’ll see what happens.

[sapphiregoggles22]

It’s so weird

Today I was thinking

“Lauren you deserve so much more than this. You should tell Charles that you don’t wanna do this anymore. That you re-evaluated yourself and what you should be investing your time in.”

I was ok with hook ups.

I was ok not having to share feelings.

I was ok being a player.

Charles was the one who wanted a connection before having sex.

I let it happen bc if I’m honest, I didn’t think that he would get this far with me 😂

Consistency and persistency were key components with him winning me over.

If he hadn’t kept talking to me platonically then I would have forgotten all about him.

Sometimes I wonder if he had planned this....???

Was he looking for a new relationship? But bc of the things I said to him made him tell me we could both play? I don’t know. Like at all. I hate not knowing. But do I need to know? I prefer knowing.

Anyways

The day I’m thinking I’m worth more than just a hookup, Charles says

“You got me all about you”

And now I’m like ok are we both headed towards a relationship towards each other?

I don’t wanna ask

Mainly bc I don’t wanna be told no

For once I wanna follow the guy’s lead. I hate that I’ve pursued all the guys I’ve been with.

Yes I’m still pursuing Charles, but I want him to be the one to say he wants me. Too many times I’ve told guys let’s do this. I wanna be chosen this time.

I guess we’ll find out if he will choose me.

[sapphiregoggles22]

It’s crazy how much I cried for attention in the most passive aggressive ways to Chris. I would post on social saying someone called me cute or pretty or beautiful and he would just sit there like ok? And?

:/

Honestly it’s my fault for not speaking up and telling him I needed these affirmations to feel loved. He actually didn’t do much to show that he loved or cared for me. He’d clean one thing and tell me about it and expect me to shower him with love after that? No. Cleaning is every day routine thing that I shouldn’t have to reward you with love for. Yes if you did it on your own, I’d appreciate it but it’s not a huge thing to brag about...??? Idk. He’d make food and expect me to jump for joy about it. I’d make food and I didn’t expect that shit. We as humans have to eat why tf would I expect any kind of reaction from doing a necessary thing that humans need..???? He thought by buying me random shit that I didn’t really care to have would work too. Gifts is not my love language. Yes I love flowers. Yes I’d love it if you’d listen to our conversation to see what things I would like that function for me. Those kinda gifts, yes. Don’t get me makeup I won’t wear or sex toys after we break up like??? Why tf would that be something to bring me back to you. Sex was not the (main) issue.

I’m getting frustrated.

I’m so glad he’s out of my life, really. I feel so free.

[sapphiregoggles22]

I’ve been having appetite and stomach issues for a month and a half now and I’ve been blaming it on the stress and detoxing of my ex but reflecting now, I really don’t think I’m too bent out of shape about it. I think I was just trying to put a name to my issue but the other day I was telling my friend about my appetite and she said “are you in love?”

And I hate to think that’s what’s happening to me bc I don’t realize it. How does my body know wtf is going on in my head before I do?

Believe me, I like this guy. But I barely know him. I know him by sex and surface level generic info that anyone could get just by talking to someone for the amount of time we’ve been talking.

Why am I a serial monogamist?

Why do I crave domestication so bad?

Am I too afraid to venture out myself?

Would I rather spend my time intimately with someone special?

Do I just want someone to experience life with me?

All good questions, but my first initial response to these questions come from logic in my head and those answers would reflect : I don’t want a relationship right now. I don’t.

But why do I find myself smiling at his texts?

Why do I feel compelled to introduce him to my friends?

Why is it that I wanna brag about the way he treats me so bad?

Why do I feel like I want more from him emotionally and intimately?

Again, all good questions but those are the questions I don’t have answers to.

I can say he makes me feel really good. Of course sexually (he’s the best I’ve ever had) but also just in general. The things he says to me each day make me gravitate to him closer. Idk if he knows he’s doing this to me. And i know he doesn’t want me feeling this way towards him.

Safe to say I’ve caught feelings. But it’s how I manage these feelings that will determine what happens. I’m trying to stay cool. Believe me. Every CENTIMETER of my being wants to jump on him and tell him that I want more with him and that we could try a relationship.

But I also just know that idk if I’m ready just yet. I broke up with Chris in JULY. It’s December. 5 months. I haven’t had a moment to reflect enough and attempt to be better at life. That’s not to say I can’t do that still. It’s just that my whole mind and body wants to give everything to Charles.

I need to calm down. I really need to pump the brakes. Instead of acting cool about things I wish I was just cool about this.

Idk why I’m always in a rush to get into relationships. Like what’s the purpose?!

I just hear Charles in my head saying to just enjoy him.

But that’s the thing is like I wanna enjoy him but I also want him to enjoy me the same way. I want us to be together and do dumb stuff together and go out and have fun TOGETHER.

But why!!!!

I still don’t know a lot about him!!! I have so much to learn.

I’ve only known him and talked to him for 3 months.

I just know I’m gonna get hurt from Charles. I know I am. At this point my mind is going wild and for some reason I don’t feel in control especially bc my body is responding and reacting as if I’m in love and idk if that’s what I am and I know Charles is not on that same page. And bc I like him so much and I feel good around him, I know I’m gonna continue talking to him and pursuing him until the day he decides he doesn’t want me anymore.

[sapphiregoggles22]

What did I not like about my last relationship?

I

[sapphiregoggles22]

It’s so crazy to me that someone is ENJOYING me. Like enjoying my body, my company, who I am...

It’s just wild how different the beginning of this year was compared to this moment.

I’m just thinking about how Charles and I were cuddling on the couch and he got up to sit on one of my poufs just so that he could get a better look at my whole body and enjoy it. We were still talking and we were still enjoying each other’s company, but he wanted to look at me.

That’s just so 🤯 to me! I’ve N E V E R had that. I feel like an absolute queen. I love the way this feels.

Chris would always try and encourage me in my weight loss challenges and he would always try and be the voice of reason when I wanted to cheat on my healthy eating habits. Which is good, I needed that at the time. Now that I’m my own girl, I feel like I have a certain level of balance as far as eating goes and I go to the gym AT LEAST once a week lmao. It should be more and I should be going to CG as well. But at least I know what I gotta do.

Idk. I guess I just wished Chris would have loved me for who I was. Just like Charles is showing me love for who I am.

Shits crazy

Again: I’m glad I met Charles.

[sapphiregoggles22]

I’ve never seen

A man with so much dimension

It’s the way you walk

The way you talk

The way you make me feel inside

It’s in your smile

It’s in your eyes

I don’t wanna wait for tonight

So I’m DAYDREAMING

With my chin in the palm of my hands

About you

You

And only you

[sapphiregoggles22]

I find comfort in domestication 🙄

Why can’t I let myself be a hoe

[sapphiregoggles22]

I’ve taken pics on his phone while he goes to the restroom

Multiple times

He leaves his phone out in the open while he uses the restroom

That to me shows 1 of 2 things:

1) he’s careless

2) he trusts me / he doesn’t have other girls talking to him (he also was having issues with his Snapchat once and wanted to see if I could help him so he waited for me to get next to him to open up Snapchat and show that he talks to no one else but me)

3) I’ll add this one too - he might think taking his phone in the bathroom with him is weird lol

I’d like to think it’s #2 tho lol

And he’s mentioned that he’s seen the pics in his phone before and I’ve told him it was when he was in the restroom so he knows I do this and he either forgets, doesnt care, or has the mindset of my #2 option above lol

It’s just interesting to me that he leaves his phone. It’s insteresting bc Chris would NEVER leave his phone with me alone. NEVER. and the times he did and I would be on it, he’d FREAK TF OUT and try and grab his phone as fast as possible. When the shit went down when I found out Chris was talking to all these girls while I was in Florida and he was in SA he changed. He never wanted me to see his phone. Idk why I stayed with him after that honestly.

Charles is just so different and I really like it. Everything about him.

Idk tho today seems like he doesn’t wanna talk to me 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

Which is fine my feelings aren’t hurt at all 😭

Life goes on 🙄🙄🙄

[sapphiregoggles22]

Smell and taste are so important

When you’re meeting someone new, especially a sex partner, something that I’ve noticed that’s really important for me is their natural musk and taste.

Leo was legit nasty af - and that’s why that was a one night stand

Luis was better, but not by much. I kinda didn’t like his smell or taste. But it wasn’t strong enough for me to dip right away. Plus his dick was pretty big and it was pillow soft. It just wasn’t the right taste all the time and that sucked.

But CHARLES 😍😍 I LOVE his smell and taste. Yeah there’s times when he wears cologne and yeah there’s times when he’ll chew gum, but every SINGLE kiss is magical. Every single lick to any other part of his body is so good and his dick tastes good too. The weekend we spent together was amazing. I got to smell him and taste him first thing in the morning and of course his breath wasn’t the best I mean who’s is in the morning? Lol but I kind of love it lmfao

I’m wondering if he thinks the same for me. The bad smell and taste of someone for me can be a complete turn off and I’m wondering if I smell and taste just good enough to keep him around or if he likes what I have just as much as I like his. 🤔🤔🤔

I’ll tell him how I feel about this at the next sleepover lol and see his reaction.

It’s just crazy when I really think about it. I spent 7 years with Chris and after one night of Charles... Chris came over and all I could do was notice his smell and it was bad. I didn’t like his taste anymore either. Chris has told me that’s the first thing he missed is my smell and I can’t say the same. I don’t even remember his smell I just remember the last time he got me in bed I didn’t like what I was smelling and tasting. And at that his dick felt pointy to me too. It’s just weird. I know you’re not supposed to compare lovers, but I can’t help it. Charles has taken really good care of me these past couple months. It’s made me realize the kind of thing I’ve been missing out on for so long while I was with Chris.

Like I would have LOVED to have known Charles 2015 when I was living in the apartment with Chris LITERALLY BEGGING for sex and he refused me. Too many nights I spent crying thinking something was seriously and medically wrong with me. Why do I want sex so much all the time this is really annoying no one has this much sex you’re a slut just look up things to turn your sex drive down maybe it’ll get better and maybe you won’t be so annoying asking for sex every fucking night. I seriously need to pump the brakes.

I was SO WRONG.

Little did I know, there were guys outside of the apartment looking for a girl like me.

I’ll keep saying it: I’m so glad I met Charles. He’s probably the most fun I’ve had with someone, he’s funny, he’s goofy, he lets me be me, and I just keep wanting to learn more about him every day (but sometimes he makes me nervous and idk what to say lol)

Charles is like those crushes you have in high school where you feel like the person is completely untouchable for you like there’s no way a guy like that would like a girl like me or even wanna fuck me at that lol he gives me butterflies and he makes my heart race when he’s around or when he says something really cute or sexy or romantic. I feel like I have a crush on him lmfao it’s just weird cuz we’ve already had sex and I know he likes me lol idk it’s a weird feeling but I definitely like where it’s going.

[sapphiregoggles22]

A hipster sport

This was in my notes and I haven’t read over it but it keeps telling me that my iCloud storage is full so 🤷🏽‍♀️ :

Growing up you may have ventured into the sports realm participating in high intensity team player sports such as football, soccer, baseball/softball, or basketball. It's safe to say that these sports teach the importance of working with a team to achieve a common goal and that sometimes winning isn't everything. Well, I can say I have never played any of those sports and I've learned the same lessons growing up being a baton twirler. Unlike those seasonal sports, baton twirling was a year round sport that involved self motivation and integrity. If I wasn't twirling during half time at football and basketball games, I was in parades, competitions, and random performances. The way I see it, baton twirling is a lot like dance or ice skating. You can have your own solo routine, but there are also opportunities to work in duets, trios, and teams. Yet unlike these similar sports, there are different things to twirl such as flags, hoops, swords. Those are mostly used for parades and carnival performances, but enough to mention. In my experience, I've mostly twirled multiple batons as well as fire baton. During my high school career was when my knowledge of two and three baton blossomed and when I also learned the art of putting on a show. I used to live in Florida and I'm guessing my classmates took my and my teams talent for granted, placing bets on the amount of drops we'd have and booing us when we looked like we were doing something weird. We'd always get an applaud at the end, but none like the cheerleaders did. It never discouraged me, it just made my stomach turn to shreds once I placed foot onstage. Then I moved to Texas, and went to a private school on the west side of San Antonio where the talent was in the cheerleaders (in my opinion). There was barely a dance team and no twirlers. This is where my name was written on a star on the sidewalk because for that whole year of school, my name was shouted over microphones introducing me as if I were an MMA fighter and the students there really helped me feel comfortable doing what I love to do because they appreciated the talent (mainly because more than half of the audience never even heard of baton twirling but that was okay since I was going to show them how it's done). I enjoyed my senior year in San Antonio because of the warm welcome I had for the talent I was sharing with them. I hadn't planned on twirling after my senior year not only because I didn't want to overwhelm myself with practices and performances but mostly because I couldn't (for the life of me) choose a university to go to. Yes, a scholarship would have helped me out tremendously, but it wasn't in my heart to do it so I didn't end up doing it. As of now, I'm still attending Northwest Vista College and I say "still" because I've been here for far too long just trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do in life. My mom begs me to start a business in baton twirling but like the college situation, it's not in my heart to do it. I occasionally share my talent at school events that my dad "volun-tells" me to do but I do enjoy it because after I'm done, the children come up to me and basque in my glow.

[sapphiregoggles22]

Can I just use you to distract myself from all the sadness I’m feeling? Thanks.

[sapphiregoggles22]

Charles

This man is quite similar to me.

We’re same level of intellect (except he has a masters degree 😍)

We’re both kinda dumb

We both have dads named Phillip

We both have way older brothers and sisters from our dads.

We both have Chris Martinez’s in our lives

I feel like he doesn’t compliment me, I feel like he and I are the same in a lot of things.

The only thing is I feel like I’m more of a go-getter than he is. Which is fine. I like to encourage people to do what they want in life. But man do I like this guy. He told me I was the only one he was talking to and that he deleted his tinder a while back. When he told me that, I felt compelled to delete mine too... but I didn’t. Even tho I wasn’t using it.

He started off very sweet and didn’t try anything with me. Ya boy didn’t shoot his shot til way later. I called him my pen pal bc of how friendly our conversations were. He was just really sweet to me. I’d audibly say “aw” to the things he’d say to me. I honestly didn’t think too much of Charles at first. That’s why sometimes when we talk, I wonder if I had already told him bc I was really focused on Dave and Manny and other guys. It really sucks too because Charles has been worth every single second I spend with him. Whether it’s texting or in person. He just makes me feel great. He talks about sex a lot, which is something I’m not used to, but I really like doing with him. I regret ever giving my time and energy to those other guys. Even my ex (after the break up). I really feel like I should have focused on Charles the most bc now I have him (kinda) and really like him.

After time went on and my feelings for Dave, Manny, and Luis diminished I focused on Charles and became more and more interested in what he had to offer. I was still talking to Brian and Luis but shortly cut off Luis bc of how honest to God boring he was. Brian was interesting, and yes I did like talking with him, but when I met him in person, I really didn’t like him at all. He didn’t even let me talk. He talked the WHOLE TIME about himself and flaunted that he came from money and that’s it! It was the worst date. And to top it all off he had a Jesse complex which means he was short and has a tiny frame. I’m a big girl, I need a big guy to feel like I can be cuddled at least lol. I regret ignoring Charles for the 2 hours I spent just listening to this tiny Mexican boy.

After that date, I blocked Luis and Brian. I narrowed it down to only Charles. But what kinda prompted me to do it is that I got uncontrollably high off of weed Charles gave me. I was shaking, the room was spinning, I felt like tie dye, the wackiest feelings, man. I honest to God hated being that high. I don’t like not being in control. It scared the shit out of me. I even told him that. So that part was kinda weird in our story. I had this weird feeling that he had to take care of me but I also didn’t want him to feel obligated to take care of me or make sure I was ok bc bottom line is that I met this guy on Tinder. We met up for a reason (sex). And I’m sure he was just trying to have fun and get a couple more rounds of sex in before he left. Plus Pinto was acting way up. Jumping on Charles and not leaving him alone... it was so bad. I felt so bad for Charles and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so embarrassed. I thought for sure he’d ghost me after that night.

But he kept talking to me... and I wonder why. Does he really like me that much? Or does he really enjoy our sex that much? Either way I feel amazing about it lol.

But I felt so bad about that night that all I wanted to do was give every inch of myself to Charles. I cut off all the other guys and it was kinda convenient that Chris cut himself off from me at that time too. Idk why I did all this. I don’t want a relationship. I’m not good at them. I don’t like who I am in them and I haven’t given myself any time to learn who I am in the time I’ve given myself to be single. Idk why I’m making myself so available for Charles.

Confession: I REALLY like Charles. A lot. The sex he’s shown me is different than I’ve ever had before. He’s very dominant and the sub that I am LOVES IT. He told me that he needs emotional connection to have good sex and that was something I didn’t need. Because I don’t want a relationship, I didn’t want to get close to anyone. But Charles.... he’s wiggling himself into my heart and I’m trying to stop that, and keep an open mind about the fact that Charles may one day lose interest and move on. He has no reason to stay with me at all. At any moment he can ghost me for no reason at all and I’d have to be ok with it. Sometimes I think about that. Underneath all this confidence is a girl who’s insecurity is that this guy will think one bad thing of me and leave me in the dust. I wanna talk to him 24/7 and he just doesn’t and that’s ok. It has to be ok bc we’re just friends. There’s been times when he doesn’t respond to me for a while or says he’s not busy and then says he is busy and needs to give me a “rain check” like idk man. It’s kinda weird and complicated and that’s what I didn’t want. I told myself if things start to get hard or I start trying for someone, I need to back tf up cuz I spent 7 years TRYING with someone and look where that led me? Heartbreak. No ring. No kids. I thought for sure by now I’d be raising my own kids and right now my mind is so far away from wanting to have a family that I don’t even want it. But I always say that and follow up with: I’m a lady, I change my mind sometimes. Life changes and circumstances change. I say that bc maybe one day I’ll find someone who sparks that kind of love in me again. Right now I’m just really focused on myself bc that’s what I need. I’ve been so focused on other people for 10 whole ass years (all the years I’ve been dating) that I forgot about me. I’m innately not a selfish person. I’m always wanting to give myself to others. Whatever they need. And sometimes, in the process I end up hurting myself which SUCKS. but I’m living and learning and trying to find balance as much as possible.

Charles and I made it clear that we both don’t want relationships and we don’t wanna fall in love and that we’re just having fun and all I gotta say is that I’m having a lot of fun with him!!! Every time I see him I feel so invigorated. But I’m for some reason wanting more and I wish I didn’t.

He spent the night with me on Friday night and it was so much fun. I loved my time spent with him. I love how a lot of the first times I’ve done stuff was with him. He has my first strip tease. He has my first reverse cowgirl. He has my first facial. He has my first cum to the eye. He has my first sexual enhancers with a man (not by myself). He has my first watching porn together WHILE having sex. He has a lot of my firsts and I’m a 25 year old lady that has had 5 lovers in my life. One of which was with me for 7 years.

It’s crazy to admit it, but he’s special.

He’s so handsome

Funny

He smells good

He tastes good (THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!)

Holds me

Tells me things I love to hear (my love language)

Smart

Has the best laugh

Thinks I’m funny

Doesn’t take life seriously

Full of life

I just want him for myself and I wish I didn’t.