silentkindness2018-blog

[silentkindness2018-blog]

In my head

They say that the mind is a very powerful thing. In this ever changing world, Satan knows just how to get into our minds when we are at a low and use our thoughts to make us believe lies. You pray for something for so long, then when you think you've found it, it's too good to be true. That saying is so cliché, but it never fails to be true. The only other individual that knows our weaknesses other than God is Satan. He will do whatever he can to use those weaknesses against us to bring us to our knees where we can't get back up again. I experienced this last night. Something I had been praying for for a while I thought had finally been answered. Then when the time came it didn't come to fruition and I let my guard down. This is when Satan attacked. My mind went to dark places and I cried myself to sleep. Too many times I have done this and it never gets easier. I am confused as to what lies ahead in my future. What I want and what God ultimately is going to do may be 2 different avenues. To say it's easy to keep Satan out is a lie. After waking up this morning, I'm trying to push the thoughts out and away so that I don't go back to them. I just need to keep trusting that God will lead me where He wants me and to not let Satan win. So yall keep praying for me. I've been happy and relaxed these past 2 weeks and last night was a relapse. This is what mental illness does to someone. I can't wait for the day when it's not a struggle and I can just live me life without worries of the devil lurking in the shadows.

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Excuses

Most of my life I've been tired. My tiredness is not from being lazy or not exercising. It's from the various health issues I've been dealing with most of my life. Don't get me wrong, I've been in a gym to work out a decent amount of time over my life lol but I always got bored with it because I worked out alone. However, I'm tired of making excuses for why I can't get back into decent shape. I have a free gym membership and indoor pool access through my job. So, I've decided to take back my life and kick those excuses to the curb. Today I pulled about 20-25 minutes in the pool doing laps, lunges, and leg lifts. I'm starting out small and working up to more, but I'm starting somewhere and that's better than nowhere. So here's to feeling better about myself and kicking my fibromyalgia in the teeth!

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Some days I feel like the penguin lol but the pic on the right speaks volumes and it is sad that people work like this smh

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Let's be honest

Sometimes it feels like changes in your life are ripping your heart out and you try so hard to put up a front. You keep telling yourself that you're fine and you're dealing with it. Honestly anyone who says that is lying. Change sucks. Period. You would think going through so many changes in my life and dealing with tough obstacles would make me stronger. It only helps during certain times. At this point I've learned to just not care anymore if someone says they're my friend but never show it. Or if people act one way around you and totally different elsewhere. I don't have time to worry about that stuff. At this present moment I'm trying to let God take my worry and anxiety about the future because it honestly feels like my heart is being torn from my chest and being stomped into the ground. It's not a good feeling. All I can do is deal with change and silently cry behind closed doors. Ya'll just pray for me please.

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Good news!

Hey everyone. So I wanted to let yall know that I'm still alive lol I have been very busy at my new job and thanking God everyday over this past week and a half that I have stayed mentally and emotionally stable. So, I feel that it is a good time to let yall know what my new job! I am a teacher's assistant to one of 2 classes of 4 year olds at Strelitz early childhood education center 😁 It is a private Jewish school. I am excited because this year the Lord has blessed me with a WONDERFUL group of 4 year olds!! I am also learning a lot of Hebrew and the customs of Judaism. I am so blessed and excited to be taking this journey at strelitz at this stage in my life. My stress level has been super super low and I've been legit chill. I'm also gearing up to take part in the women's ministry at my new church and become more active there. God is really working in my life. Now I'm not going to lie, I was pretty stressed today. My financial situation hasn't been the greatest this summer and it has affected areas of my life. However, God came through and showed me that He is still in charge. Just got to keep trusting even when I want to curl up in bed and hide under the covers. Also, my new meds for my fibromyalgia are working so my pain hasn't nearly been as bad as it could be. So overall I would say that things are going really well at the moment. Praise and glory to God.

**This I declare about the Lord : He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.

Psalms 91:2 NLT

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Been a while

So it's been a little while since my last blog post. I have been busy getting myself back into a routine of getting up early and working. Let's just say that God has been faithful this past week and my stress level has been way down. I feel more level headed! I just started to attend a new church close to my house called River Oak. I put out a post on Facebook about trying to find a ladies bible study and I got an overwhelming response. Long story short I got invited to attend River Oak and have loved it ever since. I am looking forward to getting more involved with the women's ministry there and letting God work through me. I started a new job Monday which I will give details about in a later blog. But I just wanted to say that all is well and I can't WAIT to see what God has for me next 😁

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Psalms 16:11 NLT

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One of those days

Has anybody ever felt so discombobulated that you wished the day was over with? Just felt like hiding out in your bedroom all day away from everyone? I'm having one of those days today. These sleeping meds have got my body so tired I hate it. One thing I didn't mention was that I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia back in late may early june. So it's been a struggle trying to find meds that take the edge off of the pain. Meds to help me sleep. I am so TIRED of being drugged up feeling. Like all I want to do is sleep. It makes me more sensitive, makes me overthink more, even makes me a little paranoid that I'm messing things up. Lord I just need to start this new job so I can be back on a regular schedule. Not working these last 2 weeks has about killed me. Just gotta keep going.

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The topic that nobody wants to mention

Let me just tell yall. I tried 3 separate times to post this blog yesterday, and it either wouldn't upload or it got erased. The devil was working HARD yesterday because he simply doesn't want me to help people and give God the glory. He was trying his hardest yesterday to deter me but he didn't win. So here it goes for a 4th try.

Last may, I felt like a new person. I had never liked being on so many different types of meds for my different illnesses. So when I was able to get off all of them (antidepressants included) I felt like a normal person. I had a clear mind, I was more assertive, I didnt let things get to me as much, it was awesome. Those 4 months didn't last long, because at the start of month 5 I started to turn back in the wrong direction. I was in denial that my anxiety was getting bad again. I was in denial that I needed to go back on my antidepressants because I felt like nothing was wrong and I also didn't want to have to be on meds to help regulate my moods. Over those next 4 months I became a monster. I was lashing out at one of the only people that had had my back lately. I went through a nasty separation from the school I had been working at at that time. I was made to feel that things that were happening to me were my fault and it was all in my head. I lost friends, long time relationships were severed, and I felt alone. All the while I knew that God was with me every step of the way. I was told that my anxiety was getting bad again and I played it off, but in reality my attitude was coming off very defensively. I finally realized that maybe it was time to get back on some meds, so I went to my doctor. I was put back on antidepressants and I started to feel like myself again. This lasted a very short while before depression, anxiety, and rage entered back into my life. The smallest things would trigger me and I would get this terrible attitude. The anger escalated into rage and I would throw things or have this overwhelming desire to destroy every thing around me. It got so bad one night that I contemplated suicide. I knew that it was time to get some real help. The next morning I voluntarily committed myself to virginia beach psychiatric center. For the next 4 days, I was constantly monitored, questioned, participated in group therapy, and made friends without having the outside world to distract me. Once I got out I felt better. Like I was going to be okay. Again, that was short lived and I started to cut myself in late February early March. Cutting is something I told myself I would never do. This act alone, compounded with my careless attitude and my idea that cutting was going to make me feel better, pushed away one of the closest people to me. Not only did this person get terribly upset over me being in the hospital, but they were frustrated that it had even got that far and nobody noticed or cared to help. I never want to put anyone else's mental or physical health in turmoil and this is what I was doing to them. I had to walk away and let God heal me before I did any more permanent harm to this relationship. Walking away was about the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. But by God's grace, the relationship was restored with both Him and this person. God helped me to realize that suicide wasn't the answer. Taking my anger and frustration out on someone trying to be there for me wasn't the answer. Letting satan get inside of my head wasn't the answer. My faith in God that He would pull me through was the answer. Thos past 4.5 months have been as stable as the past 15 years. Sure, I have my days and moments, but honestly who doesn't. I've had to change thinking and actions of the past 20 years of my life. I wasn't going to let satan win anymore. Today is a new day. Today is the day to shout it out that God is my healer, protector, my father, and so much more. Here's to the first day of the rest of my life.

*I prayed to the Lord , and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.

Psalms 34:4 NLT

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Getting on track

As I've said before in my previous blogs, I had experienced death of loved ones more times than I care to think of. It seemed like every time I turned around someone else would die. My grandfather passing was huge for me because i was around him everyday. A couple of years later I experienced the death of one of my great aunts who had been in my life since I was little. Seeing everything she went through up until she passed was something I never forgot. I mean it's pretty bad when the staff at the funeral home knows your family because you're always up there for a funeral. Since the passing of my grandfather, I have dealt with the passing of 2 very close friends (both from pancreatic cancer) within about 6 months of each other, numerous friends and extended family members, my grandfather (maternal), my aunt (from cancer), and my dad. My dad passed in 2015 from a freak work incident. That was one of the harder deaths to get over, as well as the passing of my aunt and 2 close friends. All of this death hitting so close to home, it didn't help much with the depression and anxiety, while still dealing with my "mother". So naturally, I turned to the things that I thought would help ease the pain of the depression and anxiety in my life. I started drinking, lost my virginity, and didn't make the wisest choices. There again I was trying to fix things my way instead of letting God work through me. I was teaching my problems how to swim instead of facing them with the power of God. He has kept me out of harm's way when I could've easily been dead so many times driving home while I was intoxicated. Looking back now I just shake my head and think of how dumb I was to do all of that when I had people who loved me and cared about me when I didnt love or care about myself. That is one thing depression, anxiety, PTSD, or any other mental illness can do. It can make you feel like you can't function without putting substances in your body or doing crazy things that ultimately get us nowhere. That's the kind of hold it can have over your body, soul, heart, and mind. But God's grace is and has been sufficient for me all of these years. He hasn't ever given up when others have or when I had given up on myself. Up until January of this year, I thought I had gotten a pretty good handle on my mental health, but boy was I in for an awakening.

**But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

Isaiah 43:1-2 NLT

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Lasting effects

Before I go any further with my story, I want to give yall an idea of what the lasting/lingering effects I'm dealing with concerning the abuse I got from my "mother." I had a younger sister growing up. I happened to look like my father (thank goodness) and my younger sister looked exactly like my "mother." Well, I heard on a regular basis that my sister was the prettier one. That she had the looks and I just had the brains. That right there was a real self esteem booster (insert sarcasm). I felt like no matter how hard I tried to get on her good side, I couldn't. I tried to give her a bible and even highlighted some scripture in there to help her better understand. Mind you she asked for a bible and was wanting to get back into church. From what I now understand, she told my sister and who knows who else that I was forcing my "religion" down her throat. She also made the remark to me one night that "she could've had an abortion with me but I got lucky." I don't know about yall but after hearing that, I really felt small. A couple years later when I was about 19 or 20 she tried to "commit" suicide. I phrased it that way because she had been drinking and said she popped some pills so she was just kinda being stupid. Either way you look at it she called me and told me that it was mostly my fault that she was trying to kill herself because I didn't love her anymore. I'm pretty sure that your 19 year old daughter doesn't really want to hear that. Those instances are just times I can really remember. So during my teenage years up until even now I have been struggling with low self esteem, attachment issues, depression, and anxiety. I have never felt pretty enough. If something happens in one of my friendships I felt as if it was my fault because I was always told it was my fault. I'm afraid that if I get too close to people they will leave because I've lost so many friends to death or moving. I was even diagnosed with PTSD because of how traumatic the environment was that I grew up in with her. My brain has blocked out a lot of my childhood, teens, and I have a hard time remembering stuff now sometimes. Depression, anxiety, low self esteem, attachment problems, they have all stemmed from my "mother". By the GRACE of God I don't have any super serious health issues because while she was pregnant with me she was still drinking and doing drugs. She was still drinking and smoking pot the entire 20 years that I was around her growing up. So yes, mental health issues are REAL. It's not in our heads where we can just not think about it or change our thought process that easily. It's a learned behavior as a product of our environment. Some people have just a chemical imbalance whereas a lot of people were scarred from their environmental situation. It's taken years for me to change my ways of thinking and try to dig myself out of the dark place inside of my head, all the while trying to still function normal enough so that people won't think I'm super crazy. 15 years of probably a dozen doctors, at least a dozen different antidepressants, relearning coping skills, losing friends and family, broken relationships and friendships. My mental illness is all too real. So if you're reading this and feel like nobody understands you or you think that if you talk to someone they will just think you're crazy, then reach out to me. I have been BLESSED beyond words this year with God sending me an angel into my life. Honestly, these past 4 months have been about the most stable in my life and I'm 28 years old. So don't ever feel like you can't talk to someone. Keeping it in is the worst thing that can be done. Believe me I know. I hope today's blog has given everyone some insight to the root issue of my mental health problems and that it can reach someone who may need to read it.

**Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.**

1 Peter 5:7 NLT

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Earlier years

I experienced my first major death experience at 11 years old. 10 days shy of my 12 birthday, a very close friend unexpectedly passed away. The cause...suicide. People often wonder why suicide is ever committed. What they fail to see is the deep hurt inside of that individual. The longing to be free from the demons that torment their mind. With nobody to talk to, they decide that death is the only reprieve. This is what happened to my friend. My 8th grade year wasn't any better. I had another friend who survived a suicide attempt, by the grace of God alone. However, from that ordeal stemmed more complications. I was blamed for giving out confidential information that I never told a soul about. That hurt...deeply. It only got worse from there. My freshman year of high school was my breaking point. By then I was on Zoloft (mind you a 13 year old should never be put on Zoloft). I had been to several different therapists to try and find the right cocktail of meds. I remember very distinctly the time I snapped. I was standing on my church parking lot, surrounded by friends. I told them that I had had enough and couldn't take it anymore. I then proceeded to run straight for battlefield blvd in hopes that a car would hit me and end the torment. I heard people screaming behind me, threatening to call 911. I just stood there, frozen to that curb. The only thing saving me at that very moment was I believe one of God's angels. I turned and walked back to my friends and fell out on the ground. That was the only time I contemplated suicide at that time. I lost friends every year of high school due to some random illness. I stayed depressed and hung out with the "gothic" group. All the while dealing with the abuse from my "mother." Having to deal with her moving every so often because the child support people would catch up to her. Getting used to one stepdad, just to have to get used to another a few years later. There was no stability. Of course I attended church regularly, but deep down I hurt. I felt like I was alone, all the well knowing that God had always been there. Going to numerous psychologists and doctors for mental health and physical health started to take a toll. It all came to a catastrophic blow up when my grandfather passed away a week into my senior year. My grandparents had raised me since I was a couple of years old. So when my grandfather unexpectedly passed during our church service from a massive heart attack, I didn't know how to handle it very well. I kept it bottled up inside for a very long time. This would eventually become a problem into my early twenties.

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The beginning

Many of us suffer silently with mental illness. My hope is that I can raise awareness of mental health through telling my story, sharing my day-to-day struggles, and lend a listening ear to others.

I grew up around an abusive "mother." I use the term mother loosely because she was far from one. As a matter of fact, I don't consider her a "mother" but more of an egg donor. She verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused me my whole childhood. The abuse I dealt with hurt more than if she would've just beat me. Her words in turn made me feel as small and untrustworthy as dirt on the ground. She chose drugs and alcohol over being a decent human being to her children. As I grew older and voiced my own opinions, the abuse got worse. I was severely depressed from not only the abuse, but from my parents being divorced and having to go back and forth from one house to another. Both of those issues compounded on the fact that I had lost a very close friend at a young age to suicide and several friends after that. Honestly, back 17 years ago when everything started, not much was known about depression and suicide. My only saving grace was the Lord himself and learning coping skills as best I could. It's still sometimes a struggle (more times than not) dealing with this depression and anxiety, but God has never left my side. He's also blessed me with a few people that I don't consider to be my friends, but my family. So hopefully you will follow me in my journey as I share my thoughts, daily struggles, and scripture to help bring social awareness to mental health.