sjbenigla

[sjbenigla]

Tapos na

Tapos na ang mga panahong ikaw lamang ang siyang laman ng isipan.

Tapos na ang mga panahong ang iyong mga ngiti lang ang gustong masilayan.

Tapos na rin ang mga panahon na ika’y gusto kong ipaglaban.

Napagod na ang puso

Kailangan ko ng huminto

Ito’y hindi lamang para sa sariling kapakanan

Ngunit ito’y para rin sa isip na lumalaban

Lumalaban na sana siya naman ang sundin

Huwag ng bigyan ang puso ng pagakakataon para mag isip

Tpos na ang laban.

Ikaw ay tumahan.

Walang silbi na ang mga luha

sapagkat ito ay akin nang ipagsawalang bahala,

Pagod na. Pagod na ang puso kong magdamdam

Pagod na ang isip ko na na ikaw ay ipaglaban. 

Nsayang lamang ang mga panahon na aking nilaan

Upang ikaw ay mapasaakin na nang lubusan.

Tapos na.

Tapos na ang laban.

Kailangan mo ng tumahan.

Kailangan mo nang mahalin ang sairli mo ng lubusan.

Tpos na. 

[sjbenigla]

Bitaw

Bugso ng damdamin na pilit na kumakawala

Ngunit ito yong mga panahon na ang mali ay hindi pwedeng gawing tama

Layo. 

Pilit na lumalayo. Ngunit may parang isang lubid na pilit na humihila sa akin papunta sayo. 

Mali.

Napakamali. Ngunit bakit ba natin pinipilit na maging oo ang hindi. Ito lamang ay magiging pighati. Ito lamang ay magiging dahilan kung bakit ang puso mo ay magiging hati. Hating-hati na ikaw mismo ay hindi na maintindihan ang damdamin mong gustong makawala, Makawala sa nakaraan, makawala ba sa kasalukuyan, o tumakas na lang at pumunta sa kawalan. Sa kawalan upang wala ka nang tuluyan pang maramdaman. 

Tahan.

Itigil na ang mga luha, itigil na itong mga luhang gustong gusto makawala, gustong gusto makawala sa sakit na pilit mong pinapadama. 

Bitaw.

Ikaw na ay bumitaw. Bitawan ang kahapon na puno ng mga alaala ng tayo. Bitawan ang mga bagay na nakagisnan ng puso. Bitawan lahat, mali, lahat-lahat upang ang tayo ay magiging ikaw na lamang at ako. 

[sjbenigla]

Sulat

Kabog! kabog! Malakas ang kabog. 

Kabog ng dibdib sa kasiyahang hindi, hindi lubusang maintindihan, hindi lubusang mawari.

Lubos ang galak, lubos ang ligaya, una, ikalawa, pangatlo, ayaw ng huminto.

Apat, lima, siya lamang ang sinisinta. anim, pito, walo, nasaan na ba ako.

Siyam sampu, kailangan na yatang huminto.

Kurap! Kurap! Ako ay kumurap. Nagising sa katotohanang tapos na ang lahat.

Nagising na ito ay alaala lang pala lahat. Alaalang idadaan na lamang sa aking mga sulat.

(more to come)

[sjbenigla]

You lost him. For all you thought, you need a new place to stay, But you did not realize that your home is where his smile is at. You thought someone can make you happier, But you did not realize that his laugh is what makes you the happiest. You thought someone came to be your sun, But you did not realize that he is your moon that lights you up in your darkest night. You thought someone's sweeter than him, But you did not realize that he is the cause of your most painful toothache that's worth suffering for. You thought that just because someone can give you his everything, he's better than him. But you did not realize, he had already given the last piece of him. And you thought that you're already in love with someone else but you... you forgot that you've already given your heart to him. And that's when you realize that he still has it. Yes, you lost him. But then you realized, you also lost yourself. Words by Mayel Tapic Art by Ruth Esther Tejano Lobo

[sjbenigla]

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:)

[sjbenigla]

The Comeback

It's been a year since I posted something on my tumblr. And this is my comeback.

Well, where do I start?

Many things have happened in the span of one year and I guess it really changed me. A LOT.

Right now I don't have much time to elaborate the happenings but  I will try my best to find time for this.

'Til then,

Sammy

[sjbenigla]

[sjbenigla]

This! I've been dying to learn.

[sjbenigla]

Do you? 

[sjbenigla]

Yes, I will :) 

[sjbenigla]

Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

Donald Miller (via annaharo)

[sjbenigla]

Hotness alert! 

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We always have time for pictures. 

[sjbenigla]

:')

[sjbenigla]

hi, samantita...you, okay? halong ka

i miss you nin!! :) I m good.. namiss ta na kamo :( miss ko na ningnang pigtails.. 

[sjbenigla]

Reality

Heavy breathing... unfocused mind... and beginning to be startled when my brother stirs a little. I am in a hospital, waiting for the result of an operation, he, together with his friends met a terrible accident last night and after a complicated operation, there he is, he has not opened his eyes yet, he has not fully recovered, he is in the state of coma, we are beginning to lose our hope.I am beginning to lose hope.

I look around and find nobody. Where are my parents? Where is my other brother and why am I alone in this very tragic moment. Anger fills me, and as I look upon my brother’s face tears fall down from my eyes. He is fighting for his life at this very moment and I am the only one who cares. He is fighting for his life and all of them are busy with their daily routine. That is just so insensitive. So sad that it’s breaking my heart and losing all my senses.

Days passed and no improvements yet, I am beginning to get mad at the hospital. My brother deserves more than what they are currently giving him. I want my brother to be transferred to a more reputable hospital, and he has. I am sitting and can’t help myself think about the situation. I am looking at my brother, reminiscing all the memories before the terrible accident, my hands are shaking, I am offering a silent prayer and again pool of tears run down my face. There are people laughing outside the door and I am thinking that they are so lucky not to experience this. They are so lucky that they are not in a situation such as mine.

I can’t help but recall all the memories we have together, how he smiles, how he sings, how we fight over small things and we joke around as if nothing happened. It  breaks my heart, it tears my soul.

My brother stirs, but he has not opened his eyes yet. I am talking to him, asking him to wake up, asking him to respond, asking him to be alive. Praying, that’s all I can do now, I lay my hands on him and pray, I rebuke all the injuries, hoping God can hear my prayer, hoping God will listen, again I am losing my hope and as if the gravity pulls me down, I woke up.

A smile crosses my lips when I realize that it was only a dream. However, my heart breaks again when reality strikes, my brother is not in that hospital, my brother is not in the state of coma, my brother was long gone. He died two years ago in an accident during his apprenticeship. He was an intern and about to finish the training when the incident happened. They were from Manila and will travel their way to Cebu for some shipments. On their way to Cebu, they met a strong typhoon that caused their ship to sink. They luckily transferred to a raft, but that did not hold them too long, big waves smashed and separated all of them causing the raft to be destroyed. It happened in a very early morning of August 7, 2010. There were 16 crews and 1 captain. After the search that took 3 days because of the unfavorable weather, only 2 survived and they only found 1 body, and unfortunately that was my brother, the rest were missing, until now.

I only knew the horrible accident after 4 days because they kept it from me. That is the point I think, not knowing earlier. There are many what ifs in my mind. What if I knew it earlier, I can beg God to save my brother, and I can ask him to trade my life for my brother instead. I can pray 3 days non-stop to God to show my sincerity, to tell Him that I am not yet ready to lose my brother. What if I had done it? What if He agreed?

There are so many what ifs, but in the present, I am wide awake, it is July 18,2012 ,12:00 noon ,  I am not dreaming, no matter how painful and heartbreaking this is, this is my reality.