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Day 35

So today was a great day I got my scholarship today and snagged another $1900 for my school. which was amazing it dropped my monthly bill from $389 a month to a whopping $195 a month. I could not be any more ecstatic about this. I am so done with my current job. I completely loathe every moment of that place. I keep telling myself 9 more months and I will never have to go back. I will be making real money and taking steps towards my dreams and goals. All while my happiness has been overwhelming lately I am starting to see real gains on my body which is intoxicating I love it. I no longer rely on another person to make me happy which is a great thing I have forgotten how to be happy on my own. Let me tell you it's a great feeling not having to rely on another person for happiness. It's day 35 and the days just blur together because I am no longer waiting for the day to be over because I'm so depressed ridden with fear and anxiety. I am truly starting to see my life change before my eyes and I am so happy about this. Thank you for everyone that kicked my ass in gear and held out for me. You are some amazing people and I love you and at the same time, I'm so sorry it took me this long. 

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Day 26

So today was a weird day for sure. I lost my wallet I chipped a tooth. I attended merge and felt uncomfortable. It's 4 am and I just got home, and I can't stop smiling. It has been so long since I have talked to someone about Him. I can't remember the last time I told someone my testimony. I forgot what it felt like I chose to forget and I chose to walk away. Listening to the book of Romans now, feeling Him again I forgot what it was like. Like He never left. I don't know what I'm trying to say any more just I want more of you.

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Day 22

So I did a thing today. Something out of the norm for myself. I have all ways been super afraid of committing to anything or any one.  SO I went to school and signed myself up. I have another meeting with finical aid on Monday. Honestly, I couldn't be happier, I am so excited for school. I  got a tour of the school and I just loved every minute of it. The smell of melting metal OMG sooooo good. and just seeing every student just a great feeling. I could not be more excited about this upcoming year and to see where it takes me I am finally getting closer to my dream. Nothing is going to stop me.

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Day 20

ANKLE IS FEELING GREAT. Thank god I honestly thought it would not get better. Found my way to church this morning? I don't know how I felt about it. It was good to see old friends and people that care about me. Just keep reminding of two people in general. But Its a good thing there is something that I am supposed to learn from them even from that entire situation. Some things are out of are out of control I just had to be a better person during the situation and be more understanding. You know I think so much about I I I I. This is something I am working on not being so selfish. This goes hand in hand with being a better person. You know coming from a place of love. Not coming from a place in how will this better me and what can I get out of this. Just writing this makes me sick because I know me. That has been me for so long now. It's disgusting, I have hurt so many people and taken advantage of people that never deserved it. To those that I have done this too. I truly am sorry, one person def come's to mind. Rose, She was so young so nice so sweet. I did her so dirty and I wasted so much of her time. Rose, you have every right to hate me and never speak to me again. Just I truly am sorry. If wasn't for you I would have never kicked myself in the ass to get help and to figure my own shit out. So thank you for everything and I am so sorry.

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Day 15

You know every time I come back to this I just smile and just think about how much happier I am now compared to last time I checked in. I've been a little spottier I know just been super busy. A good friend of mine Dave came up from North Carlina over the last week. It was so nice to see him again and honestly to just see everyone that I have not seen in awhile I guess I do have some friends and people that do miss hanging out with me. They all had such nice things to say to me it was really refreshing. It made me feel great honestly, after reconnecting everyone the next I had set out for Bigalow hollow park. My ankle hurts just thinking about it.  It was great something I needed and longed for. I got 23 miles and the forest kicked my ass. so about 5 miles into this hike my boots were digging into my heels so bad I had raw skin showing so I lost the boots and mandulls it for the following 18 miles. Needless to say, my ankle had zero support and its rocked now but I loved it and I can't wait to go back out. I'm planning on Monday again can't wait.

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Day 12

I had fun last night and I am in a great mood today. It is crazy how much better you feel about your self when putting just a little time and effort into improving your life and the people around you. I forgot how much I missed people. I have been very distant with everyone friends, family, co-workers everyone. Only over the last 2 weeks have I really been putting myself out there to meet new people and rekindle past positive relationships I ounce had. I just stopped carrying and stopped trying to have relationships with. Regardless if it's a romantic relationship or not you need to put effort into. Time and energy, it's great super busy all the time but its great. I truly can not wait for the future and to see what it brings me. Let's keep this train moving on

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Day 11

Yesterday, sucked kinda my car had snapped another belt so hopefully, now we should be good for some time now. I let go of some baggage today while I was at the gym. You know just deep thinking and really wondering what this stuff was or people were doing for me. I guess holding on to ideas that really never interested me, I guess I was just being nice. Well doing what normal people would do any ways. Well, that's what I tell myself any ways. NOrmal what is that? who is that? I wonder this a good amount of time. Then I stop myself again getting side tracked from what my goals are and what will really help me get there.

Does anyone remember the person that gave up?

Because I don't

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Day 8

It has been a few day things have gotten a normal sense of life lately. My mind is not running all over which is nice. Seeing the therapist working out a ton staying active and keeping busy. Keeping my goals in sight is key right now for me. I constantly have to remind myself every day why I'm doing this. What got me to this point, I don't ever want to fall back into where I have been for long. It's funny when I think about it how you let so many small things build up over time, these small things tend to be much heavier than originally thought. More so when you think about what you have done to other people because of your selfishness. I'm not trying to guilt anyone or myself, I know I have fucked up and I sorry I am trying now, thank you for everything.

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Day 3/4

So I just got home from the gym/bar I know I know. This is the first time I have ever gone to the bar and can say I only had 2 beers. I feel myself becoming something different, I have not played any video games in days. That alone is never done unless I was in jail. I'm wicked excited to go the gym tomorrow again. I am so beat and tired right now but I love it. I am wicked pumped so I made plans with a friend of mine we are going on a night ride bike ride head lamps and all. It has been so refreshing doing other types of things that I have not done in a long while and not doing things that I normally do every day. The more I think about what types of hobbies I have had. All they were was something so complicated that I had zero time to think about anything else and realizing that I was a zombie. I might be going too far but too much of anything can be a bad thing is more the point I am trying to make I guess.

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Day 3

Woke up this morning and I could barely move today. It feels great pushing my body like this again, training hard every day getting outside and being active loving it. Only thing is I'm still having a hard time falling asleep I am not sure if I am just not used to sleeping early but I'm so tired every night and I just lay their 0_0.  On my hike yesterday I started getting some wild thoughts like I normally do. It was good to turn to a familiar face again and ask for help. He came through like he normally does. After that it had me thinking that it's probably time to own up. Stop blaming Him for my mistakes, and stop being mad at people that only tried to guide me in doing the right thing know one could of know what was happening or what did happen for that matter. Feels good to say that out loud, I am not one to hold grudges but for some reason, i have with this, far too long honestly it's hindered relationships I once had some that were with great people. I let my pride and ego get in the way stupid I know. I think tonight when I get out of work I will go to the gym instead of going before maybe it will put me right to sleep I hope so I need to get more rest.

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DAY 1

So this is finally day one. It has been a long time coming and I have been stuck in a spot for many of years now. It's a list of things self-worth, personal image, being a bad person. The list goes on what I have done to so many people and how it just never truly goes away. You think you are at peace with it and I drink I smoke I hoe around. I do what ever it takes for me to not think about what I have done. My list just keeps getting longer and I'm really tired of looking in the mirror every day and hating the person that I see. SO this entire thing started a couple of weeks ago. I met a person a few months back now and we hade a relationship and it ended badly. I was never truly there I was all ways stuck in my own head hating myself not getting over things that had happened years ago or even decades ago. Yes, I am old as fuck now. (coff coff 25) getting to the point this person was the only person in god know how long that called me out on my bullshit. For me, that was kinda a big deal normally I am the one doing that to people and telling people HEY GET OVER IT. so it kinda blew my mind when this happened and that moment is what has started this.  The day was longish I started my intermediate fasting so basically, i am only able to eat for 6 hours out of the day and the other 18 I drink water . The reasoning I hate self-image honestly I think I am disgusting grose I don't know why anyone would ever want to be with me but they do. So that alone has hindered so many relationships of mine. Oh we have all bin told you are beautiful and you look fine but that doesn't cut it for me if I don't feel that way it really doesn't matter. I have to feel that I can't just tell myself that and think everything will be ok, it won't, not to me any ways. Any who I have picked out a diet and gym schedule that I will follow for 90 days and hopefully a full life change after is the plan. But this is just one step of many that I will take on this journey. This journey is total life style change. If you recall the whole hating myself. Well, its more than just how I look, Its what I do on a daily basis what I haven't done yet that I should. Living situation school so many things. That will be discussed over this 90-day journey. So Today we got back in the gym started running again, We have not smoked weed days cigarettes all most 2 weeks, the hard part now is not drinking. The reason for stopping all of these varies but over all just I have been doing these things for years now and they have not helped me get to where I want to go so maybe it's time to stop? That's what I tell myself anyway. Well, its midnight and I have vented enough for this for today. getting a good night sleep and not staying up to 5 am will be nice as well.

Hope to see you again =)

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I Am Sorry

So waking up late is all ways a great way to start the day. I could not stay at Rick's house last night. Just that is now what I am about it. All day today I thought Rose, thinking how much I hurt her and how I was unfair to her. I wondered if she would ever talk to me again. I miss her I think about her alot. Work was so dead that was fantastic Lue keeps saying he is going to quit but we know how that goes lolz. I'm kinda feeling happy writing every day and just be honest with my self every day. I have a lot to work on and so much more to go just feels good to kinda be happy.

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Guilty Plessure

So today started like a normal broke Monday. waking up at 9.am rushing to take a shower and head out to Springfield. Meeting my boss at la"florentia, drinking some expresso that I know will totally fuck up my stomach. so I am friendly like all ways smile and pretend I'm happy, deep down im not deep down knowing I hate this man, he takes advantage of everyone around him. not caring for anyone but himself. all while knowing in the same way. I fucking hate it I hate myself. I will change I will be something better. I know im better than that. I will become better than that. So after dealing with that ordeal, I made my way to the bank cashing and depositing money into my checking and saving accounts you know trying to be a normal person and doing the rite thing and saving. Some times it's real because I am so out up in my own shit I can't see whats the best for me I loose sight of what I set out to do and become and I get cut up in everyday stuff and just loose I don't want to do that this time I want to see this out I want to weld I want a future I want a wife and family. I miss more than anything being a dad and I didn't realize what I had when I had it. I'm sooooo good at doing things like that. this must be the 5th time I have done something like this where I kick myself in the ass. Maybe just maybe this will be the last time i feel old I'm 25 how much longer do I have. at this point, I need to really commit to this school and going to see this through I need to get better I have not been ok for some time now.

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You are rite

Well, where should I start? I guess with why I push people away. Honestly, I hate myself. I don't like the person I am I feel as if I'm worthless. I have done so many hurtful things to people. I have the hardest time ever admitting I am wrong. After the other night, you really got me thinking about choices I've made who I am as a person. I have been wrong so many times. I don't know as much as I claim to do clearly. I'm scared of committing to a person living in fear of what happened with my last relationship. I know things were good with us and I got scared. I couldn't understand why you liked me when I didn't even like myself. Rose, I'm sorry, you are the sweetest, kindest, person I've ever met and I hurt you. I made you feel un wanted and I'm sorry that was never my intentions. I just have days when I'm so cot up in my head and I isolate myself. I keep telling people to just get over the problems when I clearly can't do it for myself. I'm a fool and I have a long way to go to becoming the person I want to be. You called me out and I've never had that happen to me.  You asked what makes you different. I've never done anything like this. openly admitting I am wrong and so far from where I want to be.  You have made me look at my future made me look at myself. I want to be the best me I can be. The only way that will ever happen is admitting I am wrong and maybe the way Michael does things is not the best way. maybe just maybe someone else might no more and I should listen and learn. I should stop being a fool. Also, my relationship with Lucy is not ok. I realize that I am never truly committing to anyone or anything. It's time to change, Its time to grow up and do something.

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I said you were my first, but your not evan close. Your just one of many.

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crazy dubstep

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I Blind Fire Across Ct

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