soidontbreak

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hot take --- if you call yourself PRO-LIFE, but you do not fully support: 

free and easy access to birth control

full and comprehensive sex education 

extended parental leave with pay

abolishing the death penalty all together 

free access to healthcare, both during the pregnancy and after 

movements for equality like Pride and BLM

a living minimum wage 

you are not  PRO-LIFE... you are pro-forced birth and then tossing ‘em aside.  if you’re pro-life, then you better support quality of life for everyone. you can’t just FORCE a woman carry to term and deliver only to leave her on her own.

also, side note:  unless you are planning on raising those babies yourself, then you have no right to tell a woman what to do with her own body and the fetus inside it... you have no right to tell her she can’t get an abortion just because you don’t like the idea of it. That’s not how this works. 

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c-ptsd / ptsd isn’t cute. it’s not uwu angsty. 

it’s anger that hits out of nowhere 

it’s difficulty with physical intimacy 

its a sense of feeling unsafe around people 

it’s second guessing every choice you make 

it’s being unable to ask for help when you need it

it’s having trouble remembering even simple things

it’s tensing anytime someone gets mad around you 

it’s desperately trying to please everyone around you

its nightmares so vivid you wake up crying / screaming 

it’s not talking about things you enjoy for fear of judgement 

it’s flinching whenever someone touches you unexpectedly 

it’s panic attacks that leave you shaking / crying / throwing up 

it’s chronic pain that doesn’t go away, bc your body remembers 

it’s having trouble focusing, even on activities you genuinely enjoy 

it’s being triggered by benign things and you don’t understand why  

it’s having trouble accepting gifts bc you don’t think you deserve them

it’s a sense of being miles away from your own body, completely numb

it’s a feeling of guilt and shame bc  ‘ you’re bad and that’s why it happened ‘

it’s the desire to self-harm or self-sabotage, and neglecting your own needs 

it’s flashbacks that come at any time, making you feel like you’re back in that moment

it makes your whole goddamn life harder to live 

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things my  ‘ family ‘  had no right to do to me: 

touching me / grabbing me inappropriately 

beating me up so badly i coughed up blood

slapping me across the face repeatedly 

beating me awake with a wooden rod 

pouring boiling water over my hands

neglecting to give me medical care 

telling me i was unlovable 

making fun of my appearance / body 

telling me i was cutting for attention 

throwing me into a bookcase

threatening / trying to break my arm 

reading my journals aloud to laugh at 

telling me i was insane when i had a mental breakdown

getting mad at me when i would cry 

telling me i was being dramatic when i tried to speak up

using me as a maid and working me into the ER 

slamming a door in my face when i tried to talk 

letting me take the blame for messes, despite them  being the ones to make them 

force-feeding me medication that made me sick 

laughing when i told them i wanted to die 

making me too scared to tell them i had been assaulted by  my first bf bc of fear they would make it out to be my fault 

telling me to my face that i dont have PTSD from all they’ve done to me, even though it’s been professionally diagnosed  and verified that their treatment of me is, in fact, what caused  a good chunk of it

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while i appreciate the advice offered here, the fact is there’s --- as with most things in life --- far more nuance than i put in the posts.   this is a venting blog, meaning you’re only reading the worst of the things. there’s more to the story that you’re not seeing.    that’s not to excuse the actions of my bf.  yeah, he’s been doing some things that are not, shall we say, great.  but, remember, this is where i come, in the spur of the moment, to get the worst things off my chest.  

i dont talk about the way he helps me when im having a severe panic attack or chronic pain flare up, wakes me up when i’m having nightmares, buys me things he knows i like to make me happy, or the fact that generally we’re very happy and are actually seriously discussing getting married. the things mentioned here are things he’s working on. and he’s not perfect. and there’s times i wanna yell at him.  but he’s working on changing his behavior and becoming more aware of it.    again, i appreciate the fact you care enough to comment and offer advice, it’s kind of you, but it’s not needed here. this is solely a venting blog for getting things off my chest. 

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somebody:   how are you doing?

me: i had 7 panic attacks and dissociative episodes this month. 

somebody: oh, so you’re... 

me: yeah, i’m doing real fine, don’tcha know, it’s usually closer to 15

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skills you learn growing up in an abusive home: 

being able to figure out where all the creaky or noisy parts of the floor are... and getting cirque du soleil levels of grace and athletic ability in order to avoid them

learning how to be quiet in ways others wouldn’t understand. even down to your breaths, because even breathing too loud could get you in trouble. 

crying silently... because, see above. 

picking up on subtle changes in people’s moods. even in the way they set something down or open a door 

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to the tune of walking on sunshine:  

                    ♪ ~   i’m walking on  e g g s h e l l s   whooooOOAAAOoa   ~ ♪

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im fucking tired.  the bf keeps acting like he’s perfect and can do no wrong, and i’m the only one ever making mistakes. he’s blows things out of proportion, overreacts to minor things, and turns things back on me. 

just yesterday, he got mad at me for the fact that he, once again, got me worked up and left me hanging... while im recovering from covid and on my period at the same time, mind you. meaning i already felt like shit...  and then i got mad at him.  he said i was throwing it in his face. because i wasnt talking to him. he said he would stop being so nice to me if i kept doing that. 

and today i was joking with him while he was working on homework and he just... snapped at me. i made a joke about putting my cold hands on him and he said he would get up and go sit away from me if i did that, that i shouldnt be that mean, that im annoying and bothering him while he’s trying to work, followed up with the statement that he’s apparently never bothering me when i’m trying to work on stuff which is patently false. all over a little joke about me touching him once with cold hands. 

he thinks he’s a fucking saint. he thinks he can do no wrong. 

and you know the fucked up part of this?  that he will get all upset and offended with me over minor things... but god above forbid that i bring up actual issues with him. like i said above, i got mad at him for TRIGGERING MY PTSD IN A WAY THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY ASKED HIM NOT TO DO. and he makes it my fault, turns it back on me, acts like i’m the issue, makes me out to be the bad guy for the crime of  being quietly upset with him for giving me a mental breakdown

[soidontbreak]

the  date someone who’s actually healthy for you  challenge 

i nominate myself 

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he fucking did it, again, last night.  worked me up, left me hanging. what’s worse, he told me he was planning to take care of it for me........ until i crossed some arbitrary line in the sand that he’d just put there, and suddenly nope, he doesn’t feel like it anymore, and it’s my fault.   so guess who had a breakdown in the bathroom last night, bawling her eyes out, trying not to wake him or the kittens up, not being able to sleep until after 3am. then got woken up at 8. and now has to function for the day taking care of the kittens, getting prepped for his grandma to move in for the week and helping her get settled, getting things ready to make a big supper, even possibly going to the gym bc he really wants to go.... all while still in the last stages of a fullblown ptsd breakdown, feeling numb, and upset, and frustrated, and angry, and exhausted mentally and physically, and can’t fucking focus on anything, while also having chronic pain flare up bc haha turns out having a mental health crash can affect your physical health, who knew?     and what’s worse is he noticed i was off this morning and had the fucking balls to ask what was wrong and what he could do to help, as though i haven’t told him multiple times that what he was doing was severely bad for my mental health.     y’know what? NOT FUCKING ACTIVELY AND KNOWINGLY TRIGGERING ME IS A GOOD PLACE TO START. 

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officially day 4 since got worked up... been getting progressively worse since. even mentioned it to the bf today that, hey, btw, here’s the reason my brain’s so funky bc u asked so???     and he just said sorry and went off to play video games...  i want to cry. i feel stupid. and im getting hit with guilt too bc it feels like im forcing him to have sex, or that it’ll become a chore for him. neither of which i want.  but also, he is the one who purposely got me feeling like this and left me... when he knew what it does to me.   i dont know what to do. i dont know how much clearer i can make it for him. and i dont know how much longer i can hold out bc at the gym yesterday --- just trying to work some of this off --- i straight up almost started crying and i spent yesterday and the day before feeling so disconnected and weird and numb. i’ve tried so much over the past couple days to relieve this, like housework, writing, video games, cooking. things that usually help get me out of a bad brain space. nothing helped. and i cant just  ‘ handle it ‘  myself, ‘cause that doesn’t help more than it makes it feel worse afterward, bc, the fact that i had to do it myself brings those thoughts that he doesnt want to touch me, doesnt want me, and it only marginally helps with the actual problem... feels like im gonna have another breakdown. and i dont have any fucking idea how to get it across to him without sounding pushy or mean or like im coercing him into sex bc with my history that’s something i would never wish on anyone. i feel goddamn stuck and frustrated and in pain and hurt and i wanna fucking scream and punch my hand through the wall bc i dont know what else to do 

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so i mentioned in a previous post that im hypersexual, and i get turned on easy, and then after im worked up i need to get off otherwise i can’t think straight, cant focus, brain goes to a dark bad trauma-related place, and the longer it goes on for, the progressively worse it gets...     and i’ve told the bf this. i have told him a couple times that he cant leave me hanging because otherwise i have a pretty bad mental health crash. 

so, what did he do yesterday?  purposely got me worked up in the morning. then told me  ‘ well, we have to run errands so lets do that then i’ll get you off when we get home ‘.   so i spent a couple hours forcing myself to try to focus, getting errands done, trying to remember everything we need while also trying to hold conversations... just holding out til we got home, ‘cause i needed the release, ‘cause my brain was starting to veer into the unfun, and i was starting to physically hurt from it.        and when we get home, what happens?  

    ‘ not right now, i have coursework. ‘     i even had to help profread a paper for him. made him supper. took care of the kittens. all while feeling like my brain was actively disconnecting from the present and continuously making the windows shut down and start up noises. what do i get for it?  nothing.   ‘cause when he was done, he decided to play video games. until midnight. i had a full breakdown in bed by myself, sobbing, wanting to scream, punching my pillow, all because he thought it was a-okay to get me into that state and leave me, knowing full well the effect it has on me. barely slept.. feels like i didnt sleep at all.    he’s out watching tv in the living room, now.  i’m in bed, trying to make myself eat a small bowl of cereal because, hey, a side effect of getting into this state is body image issues popping back up with wonderful, delightful thoughts like  ‘ yeah, of course he doesn’t want to touch you, look at you. ‘   and   ‘ fucking beached whale over here wondering why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. ‘   even despite the fact i am, in fact, very much underweight. 

what makes him think its okay to do this to me?  i mean, he gets me into this state, where i start disaasociating from trauma and surroundings, basically go numb, get that 1000 yard stare, get really quiet and distant,    and he gets all worried about me and asks me what’s wrong. but??  he’s kinda what’s wrong???    i dont know how to make it clearer to him that he needs to stop this. i have flat out told him twice. if he gets me worked up, he has to get me off, ‘cause if i don’t get that release my brain starts equating it to the times i was assaulted / molested, and i’m starting to catch myself being scared and angry around him, and resentful, ‘cause my brain’s making these connections without my permission, and i don’t want that.  i don’t want to think of him that way.  i love him. we’re talking about getting engaged for fuck’s sake. i don’t want my brain equating him with some of the most traumatic parts of my childhood... but, if he doesn’t realize just how bad it’s getting and stops doing this, i don’t know if i can stop my brain from doing that.   anyway, day 2 of being worked up, and not doing great. probably not getting release today either. so yay. most likely another couple days of this funtastic disconnected / angry / upset / gross feeling.  ptsd is a wild ride and i’d like to get off, now, please.  take that however you like 

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i need to get this out of me somehow.  tw’s for rape, sexual assault, csa, and general nsfw

so, i was molested as a child... by my own brother. from the time i was 8 clear up to almost 15, he would grab my crotch, have me show him my boobs, ect.  when i was 15-16, i had a boyfriend who was a real piece of shit. he was the type who wouldn’t take no for an answer and would keep pushing, guilting to get what he wants... and he wanted my body. didn’t give a fuck about my comfort level, he kept pushing. over and over again. when i was 18, i was assualted again, by a different man.      

yeah, i have a bit of sexual related trauma. and because of that, i have veered heavily into the hyper-hyper-sexual...   simple fact is, when i get  ‘ worked up ‘  i  NEED  the release. if i don’t get it, my brain takes a hard left turn into the dark, equating it to my traumas, making it hard to focus on anything else.... my body gets really sensitive and gets turned on to the point of it being painful if prolonged and the long it lasts, the worse it gets. 

the 1st was the bf’s and my 1year  anniversary. naturally, we started getting it on... but right as we were getting started, our cat went into labor and we had to stop and deliver kittens and make sure mama was okay, ect. which i am fine with, obviously, i love kittens and im not upset about that.  it’s the fact that was 3 days ago. and i’ve been in a heightened state since then.  i can hardly think straight, i’m in pain, traumas are flaring up so badly because my brain is going  ‘ oh, okay, this is just like those other traumatic times when you got worked up and didn’t get release, so how about we remind you of them? ‘.      the worst part of it?  i havent even had a chance to try taking care of it, myself, to see if that helps at all.  and i’ve brought it up to the bf as politely and patiently as i could  ( ‘cause he knows the history and these effects on me )  both yesterday and the day before, reminding him that leaving me hanging does real bad things to me... but, he’s been busy. 

so, day 3 of feeling frustrated to the point of tears, headachey, abdomen so tight it hurts when i move, one traumatic memory after another hitting, unable to focus, swinging wildly between numb and feeling everything at once, waves of feeling guilty and stressed because i keep wanting to bring it up to the bf but i also dont want sex or getting me off to feel like a chore so he learns to hate it or resent me for it so can’t even talk about it to anyone here...... and i still have to somehow function. have to help take care of the kittens. have to run errands. have to smile, and act like everything’s okay, and laugh, and joke around, and pretend im feeling a-okay when all i wanna do is punch something so hard my hand breaks or scream at the top of my lungs or curl up and cry for the next 3 days.       but, instead, i’m guessing its gonna be another couple days, at least, of this... with this getting progressively worse until i lock myself in the bathroom and privately have a full breakdown. again. 

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honestly, dealing with trauma, for me, is half hoping i get the chance to confront them and they face what they did to me, and half hoping i never have to see them, again

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just thinking how fucked up it is that i was sexual assaulted multiple times, by my own brother, raped, forced into sexual contact without consent...   and yet i have never, in the over a decade since it first happened, been able to tell my parents, because i know for a fact the first things they’ll ask won’t be   ‘ are you okay ? ‘   or any equivalent. it will be   ‘ well, what did you do to deserve it? ‘   

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the fact that i’m 24 and still terrified of saying / doing anything  ‘ wrong ‘  around my parents really says something about their parenting.... and not something good. 

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i just recently admitted to someone for the first time ever, that my brother --- the brother i had to live with for a year and a half, the brother who forced me to clean up after him, the brother who once beat me so bad i coughed up blood, the brother who told me i don’t  ‘ appreciate all he does for me ‘  to try to guilt me to stay when i told him i was moving out --- also sexually touched me multiple times when i was younger. 

and i feel guilty for it. i feel like i shouldn’t have said anything, that i’ll get him in trouble, that i’m in the wrong for saying it.    even though it still makes me feel gross inside. even though, even just typing this, i’m getting struck with the urge to shower and scrub my skin raw o i feel clean again. 

and i’ve been assaulted since then. i’ve been grabbed, groped, forced to do things i didn’t want to do, guilted into sexual contact. honestly, my life has been a series of people doing things to me without my consent.  but he was the first.   and i think that’s what hurts the most... that the first person to ever touch me in that way, to violate me like that, was someone who was supposed to protect me. 

and it just makes everything else he’s done to me hurt worse, too. because it goes to show he didn’t think much of me from the beginning, so of course treating me like shit was easy.