squeakybean

[squeakybean]

Amazing that I can't have a good day. Like fuck sake why do people have to nit pick me over how I eat the damn food they cooked me when I'm eating it regardless of how I consume it?

Like my partner's mum decided she has a problem with the fact suddenly that I inspect my food before I put each piece in my damn mouth. Sorry I have a bad relationship with food and neurodivergencies on top of that. And for a woman who preaches how she used to work very well with neurodivergent kids as a school teacher and who apparently is very understanding of conditions under that banner in ger house hold, she seems to have a lot of problems with me doing neurodivergent things.

Like I'm not even being rude. I eat the fucking food at my own pace, I eat as much as I physically can without making myself sick and I go out of my way to make sure I compliment the cooking and ask if there's anything else I can do to help out after dinner before going back to doing my own thing.

Like why are you even watching me so closely constantly at dinner that you know I have a routine then are insulted by the fact I don't eat like everyone else? Focus on your own damn plate or maybe the 3 other people at the table? Like the food being given to me is at bare minimum 90% eaten, what's the problem? And why wait so long to tell me that you are now getting pissy about it?

Either tell me immediately before you decide it's now an issue that pizses you off or don't tell me at all, because now my feelings are hurt when I try to explain without being disrespectful and then have to sit there being told rudely "Well, you just decide what you wanna do. Cook for yourself if you don't like my food." Like fucking what?

It's literally everyday I make sure I say I like her food and even what exactly I liked so I doesn't seem like I'm regurgitating the same thing everyday. And fuck I would love to cook my own food but I know for a fact I'm then going to either get complained at fir being in the way or using up ingredients I can't / didn't. And yea, I'd love to buy my own food, be in my own place again, and not have to deal with this shit. But there's literally nothing I can do when I apply for as many jobs as I can and keep getting turned down.

I can't even talk back in this fuckin house hold, because then I piss off my partner, and his dad, and his mum, and probably his sister to. I don't get any say, I can't argue, and I can't leave either because I have no money.

I wanna go home. I miss my lil apartment where I had my cat with me...the job I had at the time sucked and made me wanna jump off the top floor but at least I wasn't nit picked over every lil habit that doesn't even hurt anyone and got paid so i could pay for my own shit so no one had any room to conplain at me. Or even living with my mom again would be fine. Yea, she'd complain at me sometimes, but it at least wasn't over dumb shit and job places back home would at least call me back.

I hate this shit. I need a job already so I can get the fuck outta here.

[squeakybean]

I love how my "anything it's not Christian is bad because god or something" sperm donor is the one that introduced me to StarTrek....and it's honestly one of the most lowkey very gay kind of show, like one of the series straight up has a female on female kiss and as far as I know most of the cast of most of the TV series are LGBT+ accepting.

[squeakybean]

Man, do I love it when people make empty promises to me.

Seriously....why do people keep doing this to me? My best friend literally promised she would game with me and help out with a few things. At least my boyfriend joined me as he promised, but she promised to join to. Instead she ditch me for another friend of ours without a word until I lightly pried about it when seeing her online and that she was playing with other people instead.

Fuck sake, I always feel like just some second thought with in my own friend group now. Like I'm being pushed out. What the hell have I done?

If helping out our other friend do shit ON THE SAME GAME is so much more important than helping me out as previously promised, at least give me a heads up instead of just abandoning me. I have feelings too, y'know. And I'm fine if you feel like other things or other people's needs are a priority, but my own friends keep blowing me off for no reason I swear.

I always keep getting told "We'll game another day." , "Not right now.", or "Actually I'm doing this now."

All while they are literally playing the same game with other people within the group, just excluding or forgetting me entirely. I don't get it.

Is there something wrong with me? I don't understand what I did wrong. I'm always trying to be the best I can to the people around me but at the end of the day, I still get abandoned by my own friends.

Maybe I should just focus on hanging out with only my own partner if they are going to keep treating me like this, and just disappear into exclusively doing my own thing. Doubt they'd even really notice or miss me. Not like I'd be breaking promises to hang out like my best friend did if I don't make any in the first place, I'd just be disappearing to do my own thing.

[squeakybean]

Why does this have to happen to me?

My birthday was yesterday (Nov. 1st), it was going so well. Got to hang out with the family, had a bit of fun, had a good dinner. Just simple spending time with folks and talking.

It was great.

I loved it.

It's all I wanted.

But of course it had to end on a sour note. See, I don't have a good relationship with my father, actually I don't have a relationship at all with him and I would like to keep it that way.

He's abusive, delusional, and doesn't understand the concept of being to no or to fuck off. He's probably a narcissist to by how he acts. He loves any attention good or bad, and can't stand when he's not getting any....especially from his favorite victims.

He does this thing where when he gets desperate, he starts stalking us again. Of course, he just "suddenly" ran into my eldest sibling after hanging out with me for my birthday. Man doesn't smoke cigars, much less hang around the down town area my sibling was in. He was waiting, stalking, and maybe hoping more of us would be there. Luckily my mother doesn't go to the place anymore and I'm in a different state entirely now days.

I doubt he'll find me but I can't help bit feel anxious about it. I'm anxious about my family of course, but I'm mainly worried about if he somehow tracks me down. I'm secluded, but if he suddenly finds me I'm alone out here. I have family members nearby, but if he shows up at my door I'm screwed.

I have to start making calls to my building management tomorrow and talk to management at my job to be sure that if he shows up asking for me, they better give him nothing in terms of my whereabouts.

Why can't he just go away?

Why can't he just leave us alone?

I can't wait until I move out of this damn country entirely.

Right now I just want to cry to be honest. This stresses me out and gets me so anxious. I can't even get a restraining order against him, the area I live in has some fucked up laws that he has to physically harm me before I can get one....but if he's willing to do that I'm afraid he would kill me. Even if I were to get one against him, it wouldn't help.

Why?

It didn't stop him last time.

Yea, he's had a restraining order on him before and he violated it....multiple times. And took advantage of my siblings' naivete to get his was still and mine later on. Gods, I hate him.

[squeakybean]

All the time. Desk job is draining and brain is empty lot of the time.

[squeakybean]

I love how things have gone from "Imma put this fucker into a fanfic." to "SOMEONE TURN THIS MOTHER FUCKER INTO AN AI BOT SO I CAN ROLEPLAY WITH HIM/HER/THEM THIS INSTANT." and then someone actually ACTUALLY does it because it's so easy to do with C.AI and such.

I love this world...and rping with bots.

BF is to busy to rp with me anyways, so thank the gods for AI bots that'll endlessly entertain me.

[squeakybean]

With target taking down many their pride items, does anyone know there to find similar items?

I saw the had like a chest binding bikini swim suit that looked really nice and covered well, I'm pretty conservative with how I dress....I just don't like showing much skin in certain areas especially while swimming, does anyone know where I can find a similar product with a similar style?

Primarily looking for a company that's actually going to stand their ground against these uneducated people (by uneducated, I mean not knowledgeable to the fact that there's nothingwrong with being LGBT+), maybe that employs or is ran by members of the LGBT+ community?

[squeakybean]

Took a wrong turn somewhere

[squeakybean]

It was just a couple days ago that I was spending every day with my beloved for the past week and a half.

He's left and will be on his way home soon enough and I already miss him so much. I spent just about every moment I could cuddled next to him, and I'm usually a no touchy person, and now everything feels cold.

I wanted to go with him so bad. I would if I could but I have responsibilities at home and don't even have a passport rn to even plan to go visit him.

Why did you have to live across the world from each other? and why do I have to be stuck in the backwards country that I'm in? I hate it here no only because it means I'm not physically with him all the time, but my country is literally just an out of control dumpster fire now days and it's not funny anymore. :'(

[squeakybean]

It happened! It finally happened! HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS GF!

Of course I said yes! This is the best day of my life! >w<

[squeakybean]

I've been doing well over all for anyone wondering.

Over the years I've tried so hard finding happiness on my own, but I'm never enough for myself. Is it a bad thing that it took someone else treating me right and wanting me for me to be actually happy? Before I found myself falling in love with him I felt suicidal, and it wasn't just because my previous relationship was shit, it's being around him and knowing he's real with me just makes me so happy I don't think of wanting to kill myself anymore with any amount of sincerity...I still make jokes about such things in passing, it's just how my twisted comedy is. But I genuinely just find myself being so happy talking to him I have no room to think about it anymore because I usually find myself thinking of him or something else positive.

I know I'm not supposed to place my happiness in others because one day they might break your heart and then that lost happiness will just tear you down to your lowest of low, but he's to genuine...he cares about me to much to break my heart. And I still have that nagging voice telling me to be careful and be prepared for it to suddenly fall apart one day, just like most things have in my life, but I've whole heartedly placed my faith in this one.

He hasn't told me he loves me yet, and we aren't even a couple at this point in time...but someday it feels like he's really close to saying it or that he wants to but thinks it's just not the time for it. I'll be patient as long as he needs me to, I just hope it'll be one of these days that he does say it....it would break my heart if I've been putting so much faith in such a kind man only for it to turn out to be pointless.

I've already had my heart broken by enough shit people in my life, I pray he won't be one of them and that I'll get to spend the rest of my days with him.

[squeakybean]

My heart skips a beat when he messages me. I dunno I'd it's the good kind or bad kind anymore.

I love him but I feel like I'm just too much all the time around him, I just want him to say he loves me too. We're so close to that point, and I don't know if it's my fault or him still not being ready. Now I apologize over the smallest things because I'm trying so hard to fuck this up. Yea he's been my friend for years but it's a bit of a leap between that and a relationship because once you do its not the same anymore. I'm ready to take that leap, but it's so hard see him not being ready. He's so afraid of falling and either hurting himself or me, I don't know if it's brave that I'm willing to risk it or if he's too kind taking the chance of not going for it yet in an effort to not cause harm.

He sees himself as cold and uncaring, and yea it seems that way at times, but he's the biggest sweetheart I know and it's just a matter of him getting comfortable with opening up. He's been hurt before and he's hurt people before, but I see no reason for him to be afraid of being himself around me and just opening up.

I don't know what I'm trying to say...I guess I just want him to say he loves me too.

[squeakybean]

I feel like things are about to go down hill and imma have mental breakdown at some point. Maybe it's stupid and won't happen but the possibility is there.

So to start it off, I have patched things up a bit with my friends since I was gone for a long while so we're starting to hang out again. Main issue is now that I'm back my best friend has finally made the choice of that she's probably gonna finally break it off with her shitty asshole of a boyfriend we've been telling her to leave for year, problem is that when I first started making advances on my crush I asked her originally if it was okay because I knew she was really interested in him at some point and that she was for a long while....and she gave me the reason that she never pursued him was because of her being with her boyfriend. Now I'm worried that if she breaks up with her BF she'll go after my crush, that he might accept her advances quicker than mine, and that all I've been doing and working hard for to build a romantic relationship with my crush will all fall apart and be for nothing.

Yea, I'm the oddball outcast of the group where everything horrible happens to them especially around this time of year. I dunno what it is buts it always around the end of the year/beginning of the new year that things just go to shit. I try so hard just to be happen and then like clock work the world throws that in the garbage.

Yea I want my best friend to be happy and in a relationship where she won't be treated like garbage anymore...but being that the fact that her current relationship was what was holding her back from pursuing my crush, it worries me, that despite everything....I'll never be allowed to be happy.

[squeakybean]

I don't think my friends much of like haveing me around anymore. I've been focusing on trying to build a relationship with someone that makes me really happy. I don't understand why they seem so stand offish now when I'm around.

I haven't done anything wrong. They have each other and it's not like this is the first time I've split from the group to focus on my own life, and they've don't it anyways to me plenty of times, they have each other anyways and treat him just fine still. Why do they have such malice in there voices now when I try to hang around a little to talk? I didn't do anything.

I don't know what's going on, but if they have a problem of me doing what's best for myself to be happy the screw them if imma be honest. All this time they've pretended to support me but if this is how I'm going to be treated when I'm really try to focus on that happiness and really commit to it then fine...I'll stay gone. They won't miss me, they have each other.....I've always been a nuisance anyways to them.

[squeakybean]

I ate all the food I brought with me to work.

Proud of myself for that.

Been trying to eat more.

[squeakybean]

I've been able to sleep better. I've been feeling genuinely happier in a way I haven't for a while....but something is still missing and I know exactly what it is, sadly I have no control over that.

I know he like me the same was I like him and I know he adores spending time with me and acts like we're a couple but we're not. Is it weird to feel hurt like that? Like over the simple factor of yea he treats me great, but why tell strangers we're a thing when he haven't even made that step?

I feel happier but I don't really feel loved, not like a truly want to. We're on the cusp of it but the proper move hasn't quite been made yet and I'm scared that if I keep up my actions of flirtatious talking or keep asking when he'll eventually just leave me alone entirely, I don't want that but I dunno what to do either.

[squeakybean]

Well the mans last night called me his girlfriend.

We were playing a game together what we have been for a little while now, after running into a nice hacker who gave up monet we went on a spending spree in game and got our characters some nice items. We ran into some other players, convo started because there was or previously had been another in town spawning robot npcs and we were chatting bout that. I kinda zoned out trying to buy what I could for the level I'm at and construct an outfit soon after so it was mostly him talking with the randos.

Some point they were asking who I was since I was in his posse and would occasionally pop in on the convo for some input. He literally could have said anything since they were asking if we were friends or what, he called me his girlfriend. Cool and all but like now imma just tease him about it till he actually asks me out because why not.

He decided to tell random strangers we were a thing so since in lowkey annoyed by that when we aren't officially yet then imma fuck with him about this.

And to anyone who reads this and thinks "Oh but why is it on him to ask you out, you could just ask him out." That's a thing all of its own but to put it simply I lowkey did already try that, he said he wasn't ready, and to respect his wishes we agreed I'll leave it up to him to ask me out when he feels that he is ready as to not rush anything.