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Everything just feels like it's pulling me down.

I feel like a huge waste of space.

Nothing is enough. The world is against me always.

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I need to vent and I don’t know where else to do it... so I’m gonna scream into this void.

In Feb 2018 I moved out of state to be with the love of my life and best friend. I figured since my family doesn’t really care about me it wouldn’t be to hard to just move. The only immediate family I have left is my sister. And she’s had it rough for many years, but any time I offered her help she didn’t want to do what I said.... She’s a single mother and our other family members (our aunts and uncle and cousins on my mothers side) wouldn’t help her when she lived with them and kicked her out of the house before our mother died. Her kid went to stay with the Dad until my sister could find a place to live on her own. But this hasn’t exactly panned out. She lived with a friend for a couple months but didn’t have a car and since it was a tiny town she couldn’t find work, so the friend kicked her out. She found another place to go, but the guy wanted to basically sleep with her or she had to go, and my sister wasn’t down for that so he kicked her out. She found a couple jobs while living with that guy so atleast she was working and had gotten herself a car.... and so she was living in her car. Her kids Dad won’t let her see her kid until she gets her own place.... and I guess the courts are just okay with that. Her car was a piece of crap and kept having problems with the battery, so one day she couldn’t get to work. So they fired her. Then last week she had found a new job...but then let some friend drive her car and they got into an accident and totaled her car. She didn’t have any broken bones, but she was beat up really bad. Her insurance isn’t helping replace her car. So now she’s completely homeless and couldn’t start her new job since she lost her transportation.

Our family doesn’t care at all. Her “friends” don’t care at all. And I can’t do much to help her. I haven’t been able to find much work since I moved, so I can’t really help much with money. And even thou I have a place she could come live, she can’t move out of state because if she does the kids Dad will say she left and take away her kid for good. She has gone to all the shelters, and tried to get assistants from state funds, but they aren’t very helpful. They put her on wait list for housing for years with nothing coming up. No one wants to drive her around or let her stay with them. I live too far to just go get her and take her anywhere.... plus since I haven’t had the money my car isn’t working now and my phone broke so I can’t even talk to her on the phone.

I don’t know what to do for her. I don’t get that with how much extended family we have that none of them will help her out, yet I get to watch them all on Facebook help out complete strangers. My sister is the type of person to pretty much give someone everything she has to help them out and yet when she really needs something no one is there for her. She has given tons of money to people and even gave her first car away for free to a cousin, she has let people live with her for free, given clothes away, just name it.... and now she’s homeless with nothing and no one seems to care.

It breaks my heart.

And I know everyone is having a hard time right now. The world is a fucked up place right now. Families are losing their homes, their jobs, getting sick and some dying. Everyone has their own personal problems. But how can you watch someone in your family fall so hard and just say it’s all their fault? I could understand if she did drugs or something, but she doesn’t even like to drink.

I wish I had a fuck ton of money so I could help everyone I love out of their hardships..... but I’ve never been lucky like that.

Sorry for the long, boring crap post.... but I just needed to get it out somewhere.

I set up a gofundme for her to try to help get her a new car. That way she can get working again. If you can help, please do. Any amount will help alot!

https://www.gofundme.com/f/kaytlin039s-new-car

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My mom’s bday was yesterday. She would’ve been 60.

But she got cancer and died 2 years ago.

I had a hard relationship with my mom. She wasn’t caring. She didn’t teach me things or make me feel like I was wanted in this world.

Not to say she was all bad. I did learn some cool stuff from her. But it’s strange to miss someone when you didn’t even have that good of a relationship with them to begin with. so...... we have about the same relationship now as we did when she was alive.

She never cared about my life really. Only that if I wasn’t doing super bad that must mean she did a great job.

I do feel really sad that she isn’t here anymore, but it’s all fucked up. ::/

It’s strange to miss people that were just super toxic to you and your life.....

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I hate that I'm a piece of shit. You think I don't know. But I do.

I do.

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I just finished this painting. I still need to varnish it.

I love Twin Peaks.

Lucas and I adore David Lynch. So I made it to keep. Then someone asked to buy it. And changed their minds due to my price.

I'll still sell it if I can, but it'll probably just stay on my wall/sit in a pile.

I'm still pretty proud of it, even if the girls eyes look funny.

I'm still depressed I'm not making more art for myself and instead let people drag me down and not want to make anything because of it.

I have so much I want to do and no money to make it happen. Such is life.

But I usually use this site to really talk about how I'm feeling and most people I know for real don't read it, so I don't feel super judged.

I've not been doing the best, mental health wise. I'm so stressed and just sinking.

Like someone sunk all my battle ships on the board. I'm on a raft of spare parts and the storm is still here. I can't catch my breath, I can't see shit.

I just want to stop... but I keep trying.

Idk.... just blah.

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Haven’t updated in a long time.... So I thought, why not?

Not much has been going on since lock down happened. We are lucky enough that Lucas gets to work from home, and I pretty much only go out if we need food and for walks. We are in no hurry for me to look for work since we’d both rather me not get sick. For the most part, people are wearing mask. But there are still a TON of people who don’t think they should. In the last week 7 places ended up closing back down because workers were getting sick. It makes me really upset that people just don’t care about the well being of others. How they think this is made up. How they want to send kids/teachers back to school but let people in jail out because it’s too dangerous to let them stay because of Covid-19. How people just sit around and complain about having to wear a mask and make it seem like they are being oppressed when they have no idea what that even means. It’s not very hard to cover your face for the time you go into a public space. And making up reasons not to just blows my mind.

I have been depressed (not much new there)... mostly about the same old things... not selling art work much. Which leads to me not really making much. Every time I go to make something I get it into my head that it won’t sell so I just shouldn’t make anything.... and I’m really upset at myself for letting it stop me so much. I used to just draw and not give a fuck as much if no one cared about it. But that has seemed to get to me more and more over the years. I’m also worried about “wasting” art supplies and then not being able to get more since I don’t make any money to do so. And I’ve tried getting a normal job to make up for it. But that just never pans out. Last year I had 3 interviews for this one place just for the lady to hire someone else every time I had an interview. I also had 4 other interviews that never went anywhere. I filled out hundreds of applications to get instantly rejected or never replied to. It really got to me. I feel as if nothing I do is ever enough, that I’m not trying hard enough (even thou I know I am), and that I’m not smart enough even for the easiest of jobs in the world. I won’t give up, but right now I’m not in a rush to work in this pandemic and even if things are a little tight, we are making it okay.

I do wish I was selling more art work, but that’s just how it goes. I do think I’ll have an upcoming commission to do for a friend, so that’ll help out alot.

I’m really worried about the world right now.... and how our government doesn’t seem to ever care about us- the people who live here. They are not doing the best at taking care of its people. Other places are paying people to stay home and they have health care. But not here. Our government has always put money over people. And there are so many people that seem to be okay with that. They are so selfish that they don’t want everyone as a whole to do well. No one wants it to be good for everyone because it was hard for them, so why should others have it better? That seems to be a fucked way of thinking. So it’s very stressful to be on-line for even a short time. Everyone is so busy fighting each other that they aren’t paying close attention to the ones they really should be mad at. I know that the world has been like that for a long time, but I don’t understand how people want it to just stay that way. I guess it’s easier to just yell at the people who want change than to actually do any work to try and change things....

I hope people can become better, but I don’t think that’ll happen any time soon.

I guess that’s all for now.... hope you can all stay safe!

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Pretty much how I feel about this week.

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Guys, for people worried about the abortion bill that’s just been passed, this could prove to be useful and helpful information.

Please reblog!

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*takes a fat sip of my tea* what a great day to remember that you cannot “detox” your body, nor do you need to!!! your liver works very hard to do that for you (your liver, coincidentally, does not need to be “detoxed” either).

also a fantastic time to remember that detox/weight loss teas are diuretics and are designed to shit yourself to a certain weight, activated charcoal is useless unless administered as poison control by a medical professional, and please get yourself vaccinated!!!

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so i guess activated charcoal lattes are the newest latte trend? for why? i hate to break it to y’all but unless you’ve ingested poison recently, activated charcoal has no real benefits. just stick to matcha [polyphenols/ antioxidants] and chai [antioxidants+anti-inflammatory]

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In the Netherlands, abortion is freely available on demand. Yet the Netherlands boasts the lowest abortion rate in the world, about 6 abortions per 1000 women per year, and the complication and death rates for abortion are miniscule. How do they do it? First of all, contraception is widely available and free — it’s covered by the national health insurance plan. Holland also carries out extensive public education on contraception, family planning, and sexuality. An ethic of personal responsibility for one’s sexual activity is strongly promoted. Of course, some people say that teaching kids about sex and contraception will only encourage them to have lots of sex. But Dutch teenagers tend to have less frequent sex, starting at an older age, than American teenagers, and the Dutch teenage pregnancy rate is 9 times lower than in the U.S.

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I'm so sick of seeing this type of shit set free on the world and be told women are the problem. And watch our rights be stripped away more and more every year.

I don't want to live in this world, let alone ever have children growing up here. This is horrible.

Repeated Rapist and Former Baylor frat president Jacob Anderson indicted for sexual assault will serve no jail time, not be registered as sex offender and only has to pay $400 fine

Anderson was accused of raping a 19-year-old woman at a 2016 off-campus party his fraternity, Phi Delta Theta, threw under his leadership as frat president. During the party, 

Anderson took the woman, who was intoxicated after receiving a drugged drink from him, outside to a “secluded part of the grounds” where he then sexually assaulted as while she was gagged and choked. The victim lost consciousness during the attack, at which point Anderson left the scene, leaving her nearly choking to death on her own vomit.

Anderson was initially brought up on for these alleged crimes, and charged him with “unlawful restraint” instead, for which the office recommended three years of probation, a $400 fine, and counseling.

This is the 3rd case in which this same judge has been lenient towards sexual offenders.

HERES HOW YOU CAN HELP

Sign the Petition 

CALL THE JUDGE: Ralph Strother

Phone: (254)-757-5081  Fax: (254)-759-5683 

CALL ATTORNEY WHO OFFERED PLEA DEAL: Hilary Stokes LaBorde 

Phone: (254) 757-5084

DEMAND JUSTICE!!!

#StayWoke

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Does necromancy only work on animals? What do you do if you accidentally necromancy a fence and then it starts growing branches?

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There have been some situations lately that I've found myself in where I'm left with more questions then I came with....

Like...

*I asked to be paid for art I had already done. I'm owed this money. I really need it for bills and I've been more than cool about waiting for it. Got told that it's "Not in the budget." - What do you mean it's not in the budget? You know you owe me this amount.... I gave you like 8 months extra to pay it....

This is like the 4th person to do this to me in the past 2 years and I'm just done with it.... If you can afford to drink every other night or pay $100's of dollars to smoke down a week, while I can't pay my phone bill because you owe me $100 or even $50..... I'm fucking done.

Being an artist is a job for me. And I don't like having to be a dick about it.

*I had asked for help about something. Got a few hits. Asked for more info about it.... then no replies. Completely ignored messages.

Why offer and then not follow thru?

*People asked for help. I offered and asked for more info or tried giving my info.... No replies. Completely ignored messages...... why???

Is this really just waste everyone's time 2019? Am I the only one or is this going on other places?

That's my rant of the day.

Lol

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I was sad that the church burned but they have the money already to rebuild. All these companies or rich fucks that are donating are only doing so for tax write offs and to look good by other rich fucks.

Fuck these guys.

what a fucking hypocrisy

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I always see friends reposting this stuff.... then never hear from them. It upsets me a bit, since i live with depression. And I've tried reaching out to people I know - to check up on them and they don't seem to care much. So I stopped doing that.

I try not to take it too hard and just end up telling myself I guess I wasn't that important to these people as I though. But that can sometimes make the depression worse when it comes around real bad and I have no one to talk to about it or even just to get my mind off topic for awhile.

So check on your friends. Even more so if you know they live with depression on the daily.

a lot of us will reblog this and think “wow i need to check on people” or “i need to make people feel loved” but 99% of us will end up not doing it because we are not used to doing it and it’ll be weird for us to start doing it out of nowhere

BUT everyone needs support, love and understanding. not because a person looks happy does it mean they no longer need help. lets all reach out to our loved ones by at least calling them hi or checking up on them. its not too late to make a good change. sure it might be weird in the beginning but trust me, they will see that you care and it will make not only their day but possibly also their life

and it can even change others to start checking on their loved ones 

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Awww