sshithhead

[sshithhead]

it's crazy i think

to miss you so much

to want to touch you so badly

to need to kiss you

it's crazy

we haven't met yet

we talk a good amount

we flirt a lot

it's crazy

how endearing i find you

how cute you are to me

how much i want you to know

i think i'm in love

with all i know about you

with all i'll grow to know of you

with what'll come with us

it's a little scary

i want it so bad

the tender, the rough and everything in between

it's also exciting

the wait never ending

i want it so bad

[sshithhead]

"i heart you" i say

because actually saying it might be too serious

because you might reject me

because i'm scared you'd think im moving too fast

"my LOVEly" i sneak in

attempting to get out as many "loves" as i can

attempting to get you used to it so when i actually say the three long awaited words maybe it won't shock you as much

attempting to act casual as if i'm not bursting at the seams with immense adoration

"sleep well" is exchanged

hoping it maybe holds the place of the other

hoping that maybe it makes the absence less noticeable

hoping and pretending our sleep will actually be better with the phrase alone

"kiss kiss" i type

pretending it's as good as the real thing

pretending i can actually do it through the screen

pretending u can feel the effect of it

i may not be able to directly see your face but i can

imagine the smile my little stupid words bring you

picture you sleeping sound

imagine you here with me or me there with you enjoying one another's company

picture us, together

[sshithhead]

i could stare at your back all day

tracing small circles watching ur goosebumps rise

i'd slide my fingers through as if ur spine was a skate ramp

i could stare at ur back all day

writing u secrets im too afraid to say out loud

expressing everything without words to say

i could stare at ur back all day

[sshithhead]

it's weird

thinking about you from wake to sleep

impatient of the next text

having u constantly on my mind

it's weird

how ur the first person i want to tell news to

knowing you'll be supportive

feeling the positivity through the screen

it's weird

missing you all of the time

even when we're both asleep

i miss you

it's weird

[sshithhead]

i steal glances of u any time i can

your beauty enthralls me

i can hear you talk about anything for hours

your passion for your job is alluring

i struggle to maintain eye contact

your beauty intimidates me

i can't think when you're around

your presence drags me in

everything i've done so far has led me to this

to you

every decision to be in the position i am

close to you

but i know ill never be anything

to you

i'll try all i can to be

but in the end i know it'll get nowhere

[sshithhead]

i've been thinking about you more lately

about us

about what we've could've been

unfortunately my spotify wrapped is a reflection of u

of us

of what we could've been

i am so pathetically not over u

not over us

not over how good things could've been

[sshithhead]

i miss hugging u

and that it feels like i don't hold the place to do so anymore

i miss ur warmth

and the tender touches that accompanied it

i miss your kisses

and the way they lingered and burned in my skin

i miss your arms

and the safety it brought me

i miss being around you

and feeling time stop with you

i miss you so bad

and i wish you felt the same.

[sshithhead]

i deleted that playlist.

shortly after we broke up.

i deleted the pictures.

shortly after we broke up.

i was so impulsive, wanted everything that was tainted in uou out of my life, out of my line of sight

i threw that hoodie you gave me away.

i wish i hadn't.

i cherish everything you give me now.

even if it isn't with the same sentiment as before.

i know you only see me as a friend but

i miss you.

i miss your smell. the smell that got on my clothes after staying over. the smell i teased u about. i loved it so much. you smelled like home. if i reach far enough in my mind i can smell it, smell you.

i miss your warmth, your warm hoodies and warm hugs, your warm kisses. winters get colder and colder without you. i love watching the rain but without you to dance in it its less fun.

waking up together was our dream. our dreams full of dream apartments and dream rooms, dream decor. we were never gonna move in together. we both knew it. not with our parents in the way. not with your fear of the world. not with my impulsiveness.

i miss us

and i miss not having to think twice about kissing you

about reaching out to hold your hand

abt looking at your lips

or looking down at your chest.

i miss laying on you. and hugging you.

you say you care the same for me

but it'll never be the same

too many things changed.

and we're trying to keep everything the "same"

we know we can't

why are we still trying

why do we have a gravitational pull towards eachother

we know we don't work. we can't work. we didn't make it work after time and time again of trying.

i wish i had more traces of you left behind.

[sshithhead]

indie music reminds me of you

harry styles and conan too

mitski especially

they're all in that playlist i made for you actually

all the songs i can't listen to anymore

all the songs i used to adore

because they reminded me of you

and i'm sure they make you think of me too

it was july thirteenth at four twenty nine a.m.

at our immature age it felt like heaven

i shouldn't care anymore, not when it's been five years

still though, it brings me to tears

you're over it, over me

and i just can't seem to flee

this feeling, even with confirmation that you don't care

i'm pathetic, so pathetic i can hardly bare

you'll never love me again, not like before

i need to get it through my head and into my core

i need to let you go

you've let me go, yet i still tiptoe

around you, how am i supposed to act

when every time i see you my stomach contracts

[sshithhead]

i think about it more than you think.

your face when i asked for another hug.

i was dropping you off at your bus.

you needed to get on.

i wanted one last hug before letting you go.

you were annoyed. you groaned. you still hugged me.

i felt it, your disingenuous act towards me.

you hated it.

i pulled away. i noticed then you didn't want me.

you had been slowly moving away.

i wanted it too bad to notice.

you make me act a fool.

[sshithhead]

we went to a concert together.

i didn't hug u when u asked

i didn't hold ur hand when i wanted to

i wish u knew how much i missed u

we talked a lot, about nothing

i feel like i don't know u

i should've let u talk more

i hope i didn't make u feel left out

we aren't as close as we used to be

i'm not sure i hold the same place in ur life anymore

i don't think i have the space to hug or hold ur hand

i always feel like im intruding

we keep up with eachother but never intervine

i see what ur doing from a distance

i get notifications when u like my story

i am always in a state of mourning, of missing u, us

we don't text everyday like we used to

i'll never be over u

i'll never forget ur name or the things we did

i'll always keep u close to my heart and regret it

what are we

we're nothing really

not anymore

not since u got tired of me and i got annoying

not since our parents got us in trouble

not since u started talking to other people

i miss u, always it seems

my friends don't like u

ur friends don't like me either

i miss touching u

but ur untouchable to me

i can't get u off that stupid pedestal

i'll never be half as pretty or cool as u

i'll never know an ounce of popularity

why did we run into eachother

i can't get u out of my head

i miss ur caresses and ur voice

i miss falling asleep in ur arms or on ur lap

how were u so gentle with me

just to let me off so hard

i hate u all the while missing u like crazy

why do i still love u

[sshithhead]

unrequited love, but not really

hopeless romantics, but not really

we were consuming eachother, we couldn't get enough

yet still u left me on the curb

yearning for more, reaching desperately for any lose strand

you asked me out, but not really

we talked everyday and sent eachother shit posts

u stopped replying as much and i hugged u too much

u broke up with me, but not really

i started distancing myself from u

i wasn't a priority anymore after so long of being so

maybe in another life

[sshithhead]

i hate seeing things you repost and thinking that

maybe they're meant for me

in reality they're about some guy

not close to me at all, the complete opposite of me

looking forward and hoping maybe u think

of me the same way, just for u to be hooked on some GUY.

vacancy fills my soul for u

everything pours out of me how could i be so stupid

i hate you. i hate wanting u. i hate longing for u. i hate loving u. i hate looking for something that isn't there, stretching and bending over backwards in hopes something is there to reach for, when in reality it's not bc of course it isn't. i'm js a dumb fucking idiot still hooked on you when you've moved on long ago and are hooked on a GUY.

i wish u wanted me. i wish u loved me. i wish i wasn't js some experiment. i wish u could feel how i'm feeling. feel what u do to me, what you've done to me. i wish i didn't care so much and overanalyze every interaction when clearly. u don't FUCKING care not even a bit. FUCK