storiesforhim

[storiesforhim]

Day 18 of Forbidden Love Summer - “Light Wisps” by me

A little green light,

Walks up to the yellow light,

Green’s light flickers in fright,

Green had just laid eyes on yellow,

Yellow is beautiful.

Yellow laughs with their friends,

Yellow looks charismatic,

Fun,

Warm,

Green feels a pull to yellow.

Green says hi,

Green won’t realize until years later,

How that one choice changed,

Everything,

Forever.

Green sits at night dreaming,

The curls that come off of Yellow’s flame,

The charm Yellow radiates when they smooth talk,

The beauty of emotion in Yellow’s eyes,

Yellow’s cute glasses,

Yellow’s laugh,

Yellow’s dances,

Yellow’s jokes,

Yellows’s smile.

When they sit at night and dream of Yellow,

Green’s heart can’t help but take a flutter,

Speaking to Yellow they can’t help but stutter,

For when Yellow gets bold and gives a peck,

Green can’t help but check,

For if lipstick was in their cheek,

For the wished the kiss would stay forever

And Green realized to what they said never,

Green was in love with Yellow.

Green is in love with Yellow,

That’s the difference.

Three years later,

The light soft light,

Shines bright,

It continues to grow,

And glow,

The light of it’s heart,

Radiates brighter each day,

In green.

Green loves Yellow,

Green’s eyes perk up at the sight of Yellow,

Green can’t stop talking about Yellow,

Green keeps thinking about Yellow,

Green adores Yellow,

Green loves Yellow so much Green can’t contain it.

And no one,

Not Yellow’s parents,

Not any fire extinguisher,

Not any roadblock,

Or anyone who said no,

Can ever take the love Green and Yellow share,

Away.

Look at the sky,

If you try,

You’ll see too lights up there,

Yes right there,

One Yellow,

One Green,

They dance,

And take a chance.

Their hearts glow.

Green

And

Yellow.

Yellow

And

Green.

Green will always thank the stars,

for that one choice.

Yellow always did shine brightest in any room.

——

Surprise Ryan, my favorite color is actually green. Light green more specifically.

It’s a part of myself I recently realized. It.. suits me more and I had a feeling you knew.

——

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 17 of Forbidden Love Summer - My Boy’s 17th Birthday!

——

Happy Birthday Ryan! Gosh you’re 17!!! I’m so incredibly proud of you! You made it so far dear, gosh you’re incredible. You have grown, into an incredible person and the growth I was watched you achieve over these past few years is incredible! Watching you become the strong, capable, charismatic, loving, thoughtful, caring, intelligent, talented, silly, gentle, soft, and genuine person you are today is an absolutely incredible gift that I will thank God for everyday. You have been the most incredible boyfriend a guy like me can ask for, I genuinely just having you in my life is a gift in itself.

I’m proud of you Rye, you deserve all the good in the world that could be given, you are worthy of more than what I can give you.

You’re incredible dear, you give me hope every day, you glow a soft and soothing light in the middle of a pitch dark forest.

——

Hello folks, for those who don’t know what’s going on, it’s summer and it is literally forbidden to love my boyfriend because we’re a queer couple. But, today is an amazing achievement because my incredible boy is 17!!!

Usually I share a poem or a story I had with Ryan but, I have no story to share. I have never seen him on his birthday, Ryan’s parents took me off the invite list every year I have known him. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact I had to miss his quinceañera.

So today, I’m just going to write to him. Even if he doesn’t see it ever, he just.. deserves to be celebrated.

——

What I wouldn’t give to be with you today Ryan, to give you what gifts I made and bought, to bake you that cheesecake you love, to squeeze you in a Nolan hug and give you a kiss on the forehead and tell you to your face how proud of you I am and how much I adore you. To sing you happy birthday and watch you blow the candles out. To walk around holding your hand telling everyone in a listening distance that it’s my special person’s birthday.

It’s okay, next year dear. Next year we can. 365 days and it will all be over. We got this. We have been dating longer than we have to wait this out. We’re strong. We’ll make it I know it.

To celebrate today, I got something for you, 17 things that remind me of you. I wish I could do more, but I’m still thinking of you and I’m still loving you dear.

Let’s start my love,

——

17 things that remind me of my Ryan

☀️ - Sunrises, start of a new day, the hope of a new good day and a fresh start. I can’t help as I watch a sunrise think of you, think of its beauty and gentleness, the way it brings warmth and excitement. That’s what you are to me, you bring a good day, you’re beautiful, gentle and you bring me warmth and excitement. When I awake in the morning all I feel is excitement at the prospect of knowing I exist in this world where I am dating you.

🐈‍⬛ - Cats, black ones more specifically. You are a secret softie, you’re snuggly, gentle, loving, caring, and clingy but you refuse to admit it. You knock my things over randomly or mess with my computer or cellular device (don’t remind me when you HID ALL OF MY APPS) just because you can. You’re devious, loving, and a secret softie. You also have slow blinked at me before. If anyone is the human embodiment of a black cat it is you. You act just like my black cat.

🏎️ - The Cars Movies, you’re the Mcqueen to my Mator except they’re gay and Sally ain’t in the picture. Ik we’re Christian and shouldn’t have dressed up at all for Halloween like we did (Still sorry about that Rye 😅) but I’m still think of the cars movies as our things because we dressed up as them. Every time I’m sad I secretly watch one of the movies from the franchise to make me feel better cause it reminds me of you.

🌌 - The celestial, you forever have had this shirt with math details that look like a galaxy. Since I saw it, every time I looked up at the night sky I accosiated the stars I was with you. Because you’re.. you’re my galaxy boy. You shine as bright as the milky way. Then when we started dating you called me my star and yourself my moon and it just solidified the image of you in my mind as someone who loves the galaxy. Do you know that when I was little I freaking loved the planetarium? I loved space and bonus I also love star wars. Finding my galaxy boy only makes me love the night sky more. Whenever my mind stresses sometime I walk outside and look at the night sky to calm down as it reminds me of you. Honestly I’m guilty of this before we even dated.

🩷 - The color pink, as a kid I hated this color. I thought it was “girly” and that if I ever liked it then “it would make me a girly girl” I know I know it sounds ridiculous I fear though I was a dumb kid. You however have always been expressive and free with your feminine side. And I appreciate it so freaking much, pink isn’t bad and feminine isn’t bad. And I love that my trans boyfriend showed me that.

🕹️ - Vintage things, you have an appreciative aesthetic towards what is vintage or looks vintage. And I adore it, you have clothes that appear vintage and sometimes have vintage items. I once gave you a vintage calculator from WESTERN Germany. And I just boy, anytime I see something vintage I can’t help but think of you.

⛈️ - Rainy weather/storms, you’re scared of bad weather, so every time it rains I can’t help but think about where you are, what you’re doing, and if you feel safe. I wish I was with you so I could bundle you up in my arms so you wouldn’t have to be scared. You’re always on my mind but especially when the weather is bad.

🚗 - Road trips. We both have a love for the car and road trips, even though you have been in dangerous situations in the car before. You have told me of the road trips you have had and so everytime am reminded of one or go on one I can’t help but think about you. And how it will be like going on a road trip with you one day, or what it would be like on the trip if you were with me right now.

📝 - Writing/English class, this one is obvious. We fell in love on English class, we got together in English class. But it’s also the writing we’ve shared together, the stories we shared, the poems we wrote, the stories we read together. It all means a lot to me. Writing and English class is a key part of us.

🌻 - Flowers, you’re my precious flower boy. You deserve every pretty flower in the universe and to be treated like the specialist person ever. Flowers are beautiful, nice, smelling, colorful things, just like you. So when I see flowers, I think of you!

👟 - Converse, you own some pairs of them really these shoes are a big part of your aesthetic. You look insanely cool in them and are very stylish. So every time I see a pair I go “Oooooo The Rye shoe!”

🎞️ - The movies, we don’t always have the best memories connected to them but we also have our second date tied to it. I remember getting you whatever you asked. And gosh I love buying you things, I remember the movie we saw and just the fun and peace of the movies always reminds me of you. You’re a movie guy and I just love it because I am a movie ignorant idiot.

🧤- String knit gloves, during the winter when we went on our ice skating date I wore my Nephews string knot gloves, you made fun with me the whole time about them cause they’re too small on me. What I remember is the feeling of your hand in mine when I wore them. You also later on gave them a pair of yours for my ski trip. The softness of them just reminds me of our gentle and soft winter.

⛱️ - The summer and beach (obviously) you’re born on the summer solstice. But they’re to things you like that I didn’t for a very long time until you came along. I just.. summers were gray and beaches were grainy until you joined the picture. With you I began to notice the warmth of the sun, the colors of the flowers, and the busy joy of people being outside made me realize how beautiful all of life truly is. I will always be a winter baby but i can definitely say I love summer now and beaches thanks to you.

🥧 - Baking, I got back into baking because of you. I stopped because I had no one to bake for. But you took my pies and my cheesecake and my cookies with open arms. And I’m grateful for it, I have a job now because of it. So thank you for every chocolate pie you asked for.

⏱️ - Pocket Watches, you have or had this sherlock holmes pocket watch and you’d carry it around a bunch our Junior year. It was so freaking cute. It was a nice callback to a play we had done our freshman year, our old golden years 💛

🏈 - Football games, you already know this one. We spent so many nights together as the sunset went down. Shivering together and huddling together as we joked and quietly chatted with one another. I felt like the luckiest and specialist boy alive.

——

Happy Birthday Rye! Happy 17 years! You’re doing great. I believe in you.

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 16 - “Teenage Fear” By me

——

That feeling in your heart,

When it races,

A beat skips,

The blood rushes in your ears,

Sweat rolls down your palm,

You feel so uneasy it makes you queasy,

As every breath gets shallower,

Suddenly it feels like it’s a life and death,

Between you and being able to breathe.

Most,

Most teenagers feel that because of,

A scary movie,

Where the killer appears in a jump scare,

Ready to kill the blonde teenage girl,

Who ignored every warning signal.

Even when they do feel it,

they are not even as equally scared.

Yet that feeling of terror,

That oxygen stealing,

Terrifying sensation.

Fills through my veins,

Every time I ponder if you’re safe.

I pray to God,

Begging for your safety,

Tears stream down my face,

As I lay in bed,

And I whisper to the lord,

How this young boy,

Is not their parents’ toy,

Despite how much,

This young child,

Is treated like one.

You’re my baby,

Yet the world wants me to act like you aren’t.

Why is,

The sweet 16 year old,

With bright eyes,

A gentle golden heart,

Devotion,

A loving nature,

Soft demeanor,

And unsurpassable strength in adversity,

Being punished?

All we did was a little lovin’

Now I sit every night in terror,

Wondering if this precious loving boy,

Is being hurt,

All because he decided to love.

When all my love deserves,

Is to be held,

Seen,

And loved.

Goodbye teenage fear,

I now am free of you,

For we love,

And his love has a crime in their eyes.

——

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 15 - “The Bakery” by Me

——

Often time with you,

Feels like taking out a pastry from the oven

Fresh steaming chocolate chip cookies,

Out into the warm bakery,

With a fireplace in the corner,

The cookies are added to a display of pastries.

As a winter’s day continues outside,

With soft flurries of snow appearing and disappearing,

With cold customers entering from their town stroll,

Shaking off a little snow,

And asking for a hot chocolate,

Already knowing,

Some milk boils on the stove.

Christmas lights hang above on the ceiling,

A tree sits in the corner full of colorful decor,

The store cat sits by the window still,

Meowing when they want to be pet,

Then the kitty lets out a familiar meow,

I look up from the register,

My person is at the door,

My love.

I jump over the counter and pull you into my arms,

Giving you a big kiss in front of the bustling bakery,

Exciting laughing and smiling with you,

We hug and snuggle into the warmth we share

As the warm bakery pulls us into a cozy feeling,

We feel welcomed and loved and free,

No one around matters anymore

That’s what spending time with you,

Feels like,

It isn’t a simple emotion,

Not joy,

Not contempt,

Not excitement.

Time with you my love,

Is all of that and so much more.

It’s the steam of the cookies,

The warmth of the bakery,

The friendly people walking in,

The Christmas lights and decor,

The kitty in the corner,

And the dash towards you when I see you.

You are excitement,

You are warmth,

You are kindness,

You are the gentle light,

You are beautiful,

And you are joy.

You bring peace,

You bring freedom,

You bring emotion,

You bring feelings as indescribable as that bakery,

For all I feel with you is too strong to ever describe right,

So instead sit tight,

With me.

Let me hold you,

Snuggle into my arms,

Rest your head on my chest,

Listen to my heartbeat,

As I play with your hair,

And caress your cheek.

Nothing could ever equate to how I feel for you,

But the closest sensation I can describe,

Is that bakery.

Free,

Joyful,

Comforting,

Warm,

Peaceful,

Always with you.

——

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 14 - More Poetry “A Story of a Rainforest” by me

——

I remember being told stories of a hidden rainforest,

It’s hidden in the depths of Scotland,

What used to be a grand ecosystem full of life,

Diminished by English exploitation of the land,

For the sake of creating hunting games for sport,

Logging native trees,

Replacing them with grassland for pasture,

Or trees not native to the land,

Collecting ferns because they were seen as “pretty”

Bit by bit of this beautiful ecosystem torn to bits,

And changed to fit the English model of greed.

The rainforest hides in spots you could never predict,

Small scattered bits remaining,

Hiding so it isn’t destroyed too.

It has the ability to recover,

Grow into what it once was maybe even more,

With patience and hard work

But it’ll never return to what it once was.

Several species of fern,

Animals,

And trees

Never to return

All because of the turn

Of a human greed for a coin.

That forest was what we had built my dear,

A beautiful grand lush forest,

They all had known about it,

It had it thorns,

Full of imperfections,

It had its rainbows,

Full of prosperity,

It had it’s diversity,

Full of genuine emotion,

It had trees,

That grew taller with love

It had its beautiful running rivers,

Full of running water,

It truly was God’s creation and gift.

We had built what was so strong,

A beautiful lush ecosystem

Of our love.

Only for it to be torn and taken by human greed.

The human greed for power,

For self righteousness,

For control. 

Pushed as our rainforest is logged,

Poached,

Burned,

And taken away piece by piece by the greed

Up until we’re forced to hide what remains.

Now our rainforest is torn in tiny pieces,

Hiding.

For our love is so wrong the greed for control,

Must tear us apart.

We’ve lost things and gained things.

But we’re not broken or beyond damage.

We continue to exist as we hide,

One day with the opportunity,

To grow what we have unto more,

Back into a nice ecosystem

For what we have created is that rainforest,

We’re here,

And we will continue to persevere and grow.

——

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 13 - “Silence” Poem by me

——

Around you the world often went silent.

It wasn’t actual silence,

It was the silence you felt,

On a empty beach shore,

A empty forest with no one for miles,

A mountaintop with only wind your friend,

On the boat in the middle of lake in solitude,

Crouched next to the river alone.

Only the world isn’t actually silent,

And you aren’t alone.

The crash of the waves hits the shore,

Birds chirp as they fly through the trees,

Wind whistles by your ears,

The sound of deer running to receive a drink of water,

The river runs against its bed and stones.

And you,

You were right there next me,

Just silent as you held my hand,

As I admired the wonders of God’s creation ,

The greatest wonder being the one holding my hand.

The silence wasn’t real

But I convinced myself it was.

Because you were right there,

You made it all warm,

Fuzzy,

Peaceful,

And comforting.

I forget the noise is there,

So the sounds of nature become silence,

For the world around you became small,

Small like a little cottage with a fireplace,

Like I was home,

Because you are home.

So if your hand,

Ripped from mine,

Goes.

Then my world of silence breaks,

The cottage collapses,

And a wild winter storm confronts me.

As the sound of harsh wind,

Snapping trees,

And breaking wood,

Flood my ears.

The world is not longer a silent haven.

As my ears are filled with painful noise,

And my body faces a violent storm.

I’d beg to experience silence again,

To rid my life of this horror of noise.

Only to be thrown into a soundproof room,

I learn it was never silence I loved,

For oh how much I hated the loud volume of silence.

It was you I loved,

You had taken the noise and made it irrelevant

Brightened the world

Shown me how beautiful life could be

By the beauty you radiated

I had never cared for silence or noise

If was been your presence that made the world

Stunning

It was nothing you did,

It hardly mattered the “silence” you brought

Your heart made it possible and beautiful,

It shall always be who you are

Only you can make a sunset shine brighter in my eyes

——

I love you Ryan

-Nolan ❤️

[storiesforhim]

Day 12 of Forbidden Love Summer - Some Things I Love About Ryan Part 1

I know I share stories of moments I have with Ryan but I thought I’d also share things I absolutely adore about my cutie.

❤️ - The curls of his hair and how they brightly shine red in the light. I have adored his hair and his curls for an insanely long time, it’s something that’s uniquely his. Something also unique to him is that he’s been dying his hair Cherry Cock-Cola Red for a long while now, and.. just every time it shines in the light it gives him this radiant glow that can’t help but drop my jaw and stare in absolute wonder of how gorgeous he looks. It’s a reminder of how much he cares and the love we share. He dyed his hair red before we got together and has colored it since. It’s rather a comfort to me. Every time I look in the crowd I look for a shining red, it helps me locate my boy

❤️ - His patience. Oh you have not met a patient person until you meet Ryan. The amount of stuff he can smile through because he doesn’t want to start drama is insane. This angel puts up with my ditziness every single day and is still kind to me every single time.

��️ - The way his eyes light up with his smile. His eyes are a soft dark umber (brown, I’m a painter let me be), they are absolutely gorgeous. Every time I look into his eyes I can trust them to tell me the truth. Everything about his eyes from the beautiful color of them to the genuine emotion I find in them are beautiful. But the way his eyes light up when he smiles.. gosh he just looks so beautiful. He fills my heart with joy and admiration every time I see him smile.

❤️ - His Charisma and Charm, gosh no one could ever compete with Ryan in my eyes. Nor would I want anyone to. He brings such passion, energy, and excitement into the room. He can turn any little messed up situation and bring some light and joy into the room. Even on my worst of days he has found ways to make me laugh and smile. I feel that no matter what, a conversation with him is never hard.

❤️ - His dedication. Ryan is a very motivated and dedicated person when it comes to well.. everything. He does clubs and sport, church events, honors and ap, along other things. He’s an artist, he’s an athlete, he’s decided to his education, he’s an actor, he’s a singer, he’s a dancer, he’s a tech genius, he’s everything. He’s extremely talented and intelligent. But I just love the fact that he tries. He tries even if he doesn’t want to, sometimes he does these things because of his parents’ expectations but I still admire it about him. He tries, and even if he isn’t the best of slips up I am still so incredibly proud of him. He deserves more credit than people give him credit for.

❤️ - His courage. He has done things I’m not sure I’d ever be brave enough to do. He holds together despite everything going on in his life, and keeps on going when he’s scared. He gets scared because everyone does, but he doesn’t let that defeat him.

❤️ - His side eyes and silly expressions. Everyday when he wanted to joke around he’d give me over exaggerated side eyes or expressions. Never failed to make me laugh even once. It always filled up my heart with warmth and joy. The fact he was making humor and jokes but also making them with me.

❤️ - The fact he always needed to take jewelry off his hands and wrists during typing. It’s absolutely adorable, it always convinced me he was going into a “Serious Ryan Mode”. And he TYPED. He is one serious student and he absolutely created masterpieces of writing. If he wanted to be a writer, he’d be one heck of a good one.

❤️- His hopes and dreams. Ryan put a lot of what he hoped for the future aside because people had told him he was unrealistic. But hearing some of the things he’d like for the future or the things he dreams about but let’s fade away are incredible. He has a beautiful mind, a beautiful heart, and beautiful hopes and dreams. I think his actor and artist dreams are absolutely beautiful ones.

❤️ - His kindness, they always notice things before others do. They always observe the room looking for things that others might never actually pick up on. He’s the one to reach out and offer kindness to those who didn’t even reach out. He’s a heck of a lot more observant than I ever will be. Finding him to be so kind and gentle and finding compassion to see other people is beautiful

❤️ - His realism, love for facts, logic, and the truth. Ryan is a very logical person. He always brings facts first to the table and applies logic to the situation. I think it’s really charming, cute and important. He once told me something along the lines of how he thinks first with his mind and I think first with my heart and that is really true. We balance one another out.

❤️- His silly one like jokes. He has a real fun vocabulary that I absolutely adore. It is the sweetest thing I have ever found and some of the stuff he says never fails to send me into a fit of giggles. One of my favorite lines is “so [insert inconvenience here] hate(s) me”. It’s always absolutely silly and adorable.

That’s enough for part one but I’ll probably release more additions when more days come along. I absolutely adore this person and I am so freaking lucky I have him. Even if it’s hard right now, he is worth every climb and every challenge.

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 11 of Forbidden Love Summer - Things I Dream of Doing with Him

With so many limitations there’s a lot I dream of sharing with Ryan. There’s nothing I have believed in more than him and I, so here’s a list of things important to me that I look forward to doing with him one day.

- Clothes shopping. I can’t wait to just go to the store together with him and shop for clothing with him. Try on things we think we like and asking him to give little fashion shows. Maybe we can even dress each other up in things we think are ridiculous for the fun of it. I’d just love to share a cute moment like that together. We could go get some kind of snack after or go eat. It’d be fun! We actually did do this together once on one date, we went thrifting, it’s a story I will share another day.

-Sleepy cuddles in bed or on the couch. I would love for us just to be able to comfortably snuggle with one another and relax and rest. Be together in private and just be able to be soothed by being in one another’s presence and not worried about anyone else.

-Weekly dates, specifically a Roller date. It was something we were planning before it didn’t end up happening because if the separation. I really just want to dress up a bit fun with my Boy and skate around with him on the rink! I could hold hands with him and have the silliest fun and jokes with him! I just can’t wait for when the date ends we can just get excited about the next one coming up.

-Texting him and calling him. I miss opening my text app and being able to text him. And gosh I miss his voice. I miss his voice and face so much. I really look forward to when I can do that again. Just contact him whenever I like and have him able to respond.

-Sitting in the car with him. We’re both people who enjoy car rides. And something about being in a car ride with someone you love just.. brings this genuine glow and excitement and calm to it. Ryan had a incident that got him a bit wary of cars but hopefully he’ll be able to relax from that fear when we can drive around.

-Reading stories together, the thought of getting warm drinks, snuggling up together under a blanket and reading a book out loud together or just together as we both read in silence sounds so calming and perfect

-Dancing. I really want to slow dance with Ryan. It’s just something I really think about and look forward to. We were robbed of this years prom and I just want that stupid dance we were robbed of.

-Movie nights, I want us to be that cringy couple that watches a movie together and snuggles and kisses way frequently throughout it. I also look forward to that day we watch a movie together and he falls asleep on my shoulder

-Going on walks with him, I want to walk around the neighborhood holding his hand

-Kisses good morning and kisses goodnight, I can’t wait for when we are able to do that. I can’t wait to awake with my person by my side and be able to fall asleep with him in my arms. I won’t have to pretend he’s there as I go to sleep

-Relaxing with him. Man we really just need to catch a break and be together while catching it.

-Shopping and having meals together, I want to do living tasks with him to just, well, do everything with him. I want to follow him around the store like an in love penguin, yap to him like a bluejay, and just spend time with him doing normal things together

-Make non private social media accounts and post pictures of us so everyone knows we’re dating!

-Take him to family events and show him off, every time I got to family events I only find myself sad I couldn’t bring my boy with me. So I just can’t wait for the day I can, when I get tired of my family I can just talk to him, and I really just want the people I have grown up with to know the person that I love.

-Late night runs for ice cream or snacks, because it’s oddly romantic to ask your partner when you’re both in pjs if they want to get into the car and go to the drive through with you to get some ice cream or snacks on a little adventure that night

-Seeing his outfit before anyone else does, there’s something really special about that, that I can’t explain. It’s just really sweet being the first one to see my beautiful boy all dressed up

-Late night conversations when we should be sleeping, something is so romantic and sweet about whispering to your partner in bed about something ridiculous as if you guys are about to be caught by a adult

Those are some dreams I have, I definitely have more but that’s some I can think of. I really like this person, and I really believe no matter what is thrown our way, Ryan and I will definitely make it.

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 10 of Forbidden Love Summer - Gay Discovery and Crushing on Ryan

I just wanted to start this off by saying, being queer is not the only part of my identity. I am not defined by queerness, a part of me is not all of me. But I thought it’d be a nice silly part to talk about as pride has started

In the long days before I ever dated my precious boy, and knew he was gay.

There was once upon a time where this twink, thought he was a.. straight man. It would be more of a shocker if you knew me in real life, but. I’m not.. It wouldn’t make sense.. Nothing about me screams liking woman and we should just leave it at that. I was one of those people that like everyone knew was gay but myself, so everyone thought I knew when I.. I didn’t.

So lo and behold I walk into school my first day of freshman year, convinced I fully have myself figured out. “I am a straight man-” I think as I foolishly walk into my English class

The lo and behold my (now not back then) boyfriend is sitting right there in my class.

I fear I could feel the straight illusion breaking right before my eyes. I was now, a gay idiot.

A gay idiot who in fact wanted to immediately ask him out on a date when he saw him even though he claims to be straight and doesn’t know him. But didn’t. Because I am Nolan and I am not smooth and I in fact chicken out sometimes.

So, to keep images up I made up a crush about a girl I did some acting with for a musical outside of school, cause gosh forbid I be gay and like this gorgeous man in my class. No, back then I felt this overwhelming urge to justify my masculinity and a part of that was “I have to like women” so often.. I came up with girls I knew to crush on. Did I actually like them? Absolutely not, they were epic friends and wonderful people and I thought they were so cool but I did not like them.

According to Ryan’s accounts of his side of this, this fake crush I had.. annoyed him so freaking much oh my goodness my poor sweet boy, I was really testing him at the time lol.

So, Ryan used to be.. cishet passing at this time and he wasn’t really out to everyone. So he was involved in some more.. popular circles you can say? At least in my socially outcasted mind Ryan was popular to me in my mind of high school social hierarchy.

So I could not tell why the stars this cool person wanted to be my friend let alone talk to me??

I was so convinced he secretly hated me or took me on as a pity project or something.

MEANWHILE THE SWEETEST BOY ALIVE (RYAN) WAS SENDING ME THE FLIRTIEST AND MOST OBVIOUS SIGNALS.

He would literally declare that he loves me and my response was “love you too buddy <3”

He would FLIRT WITH ME! FULL ON OUR FLIRTING! And I simply took it as him creating fun and silly banter with me. That we were two bros just having fun as he was mulling over every single thing he could possibly do to somehow get me to ask him out.

Ryan listen here babe. I’M STILL SO SORRY I LOVE YOU BABY THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND PATIENCE !

So this went on for months, in the kisses edition of gay summer I menu this but Ryan kissing me on the cheek was my awakening to the fact I like men. This BEAUTIFUL, kind, funny, charismatic, charming, caring, and strong boy just kissed me on the cheek because he likes me but of course I didn’t know that so I spent the next 15 seconds freaking out that the person I was crushing on had kissed me and then froke out more cause I was crushing on a boy?? And then froke out some more BECAUSE IT WAS RYAN THE MAN OF MY DREAMS.

That day I went hope, panicked for hours, and realized I liked men. So I concluded that day that I was bisexual. That was also in fact.. wrong. But it took me even longer to realize that.

I continued to live in cluelessness. Until months later Ryan confessed he liked me but that “he didn’t much anymore” (Ryan you freaking liar) and I admitted I had liked him as well (BUT I SAID I STILL DID)

That.. went nowhere. Because Ryan was talking to someone at a time, and said exboyfriend did not like me to say the least.. he almost beat me up once. BUT HE DIDN’T! (cause I got lucky and was already on the bus)

I remember hanging out with my theater friends the a few days after and telling them about the situation. I was told and I quote “Okay then! Date Ryan!” (Ryan broke up with said person very soon after) Oh boy if I listened to them then.. if only.

Distanced ensued for a long time after because nothing happened.

Until one day practically a year later, Ryan finds me doing some mic work in the mic closet. There’s this.. spark in his eyes and he’s flirty. He gives me a hug from behind me, is super affectionate. All that stuff and I am madly confused. This is the same Ryan who associated with me sometimes. Sure he was still my friend but I doubted my place in if he considered me one.

Then we go out into the hall and we talk, until I am met with a very specific question, “Would you like to kiss me?”

Now that flabbergasted me and caught me off guard. Ryan.. wanted to kiss me? I was so caught off guard because I realized after all this time I still wanted to. My face felt hot and my heart was pounding in my chest and I didn’t know what to do.

I had never kissed anyone before but I wanted to kiss him.

And I then realized something important.

I wasn’t dating him. So I told him something very important “give me a date I’ll give you a kiss”

We went along our ways that day. I thought it was over. Then.. a month later he was back. On the bus, sending me a message to invite me over to sit next to him. With that adorable smile on that face and that look of hope in his eyes. I saw something in him that I hadn’t seen before. Instead of it being “I love you and I’m scared we’ll never have this”, it was.. “I love you please try with me?”.

So.. I agreed and I jumped over.

That’s how Ryan and I started our Story. Which is a whole big thing I will share another day.

And now.. a few months ago after months of dating Ryan. I also finally came out as gay. No one was surprised by this revelation everyone honestly knew it was coming except me.

It took a very long time for me to find myself but.. I am so grateful I did. All it took was Ryan. And I am so grateful for him.

He invited me to take a chance, I took it, and it has gotten us so far.

I will forever be grateful for his love.

Journeys to find yourself can be long and hard and that’s okay, because when you have wonderful a wonderful person in your life. It’s possible to find the way. And gosh Ryan’s self discovery is so much more longer and complex than mine I’m surprised how much change my dear has gone through.

This is too insanely long crushes and gay discoveries.

Happy Pride,

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 9 of Forbidden Love Summer - The Photo Booth and Tears Over a Robot and Duck

This is going to sound like a cliché and make Ryan and I sound very young but I’m okay with that. We’re teenagers and gosh forbid our options be limited. So our second date was.. the mall and movies!

After our library and impromptu ice cream date that we luckily ran into his friends during, we all arranged very soon after to go see a movie together as a group so I could take Rye on the stereotypical teenage date of passage.

We all agreed upon the Wild Robot. It looked cute and seemed like something we might all enjoy, it looked wholesome had it not?

I had arrived first (of course), I am a stickler for arriving early. So I nervously waited around for everyone. I apparently had arrived too early cause it took a while for everyone else. My Rye had arrived next, and I met him at the door, and I was over the moon excited. He looked absolutely adorable, he was in all white looking like the most gorgeous person in absolute existence (BECAUSE HE IS THAT ABSOLUTE CUTIE) I was honestly just stunned, because it doesn’t matter how beautiful I know he is, my heart still stops every time I see him. After he got me to chill out a bit from excitement we then waited together for his two friends. They arrived and the group was together.

We went to get tickets first, for while the showing was later we all wanted to get them right away so we all could have nice seats with one another. I bought Ryan’s ticket as well much to his complaint, but oh stars it’s my beautiful boy I have to treat him.

We then began wandering around the mall, ensuing in shenanigans and goofing off. I followed Ryan around like a happy penguin. During this period of time often when I didn’t know what I was doing I’d sorta just follow my boyfriend around cause I have zero clue what I’m doing sometimes I just know I really love my human.

We went to the hot of topics, and we got matching necklaces and rings! I still love that necklace to this day but Rye stole my ring and never gave it back! (It was a misunderstanding lol we forgot he had it so I thought I lost it, and then he finds it and I dunno he just never gave it back)

We then went around to this foreign goods shop they have in our mall and I bought my precious a drink, and indulge in my Fanta addiction. In the meanwhile in the store I know my adorable cutie decided to take a dramatic picture with a.. superhero backpack? (Spiderman maybe?) it was some kids cartoon backpack and he was posing with it for a photo and it was absolutely adorable lol.

Genuinely I can’t remember if this was before or after the movie but I stop at one of the stores to quickly buy a sweater because my mother told me to buy some clothes while we were there. And while I’m checking out my boyfriend just casually makes small talk with the cashier for me like bro is casually just like “yeah gotta double check what my boyfriend is buying so I can make sure he dresses well” and THE CASHIER AGREES.

And honestly to be fair that was right of Ryan because I used to dress so badly it’s not even finny.

Anyways we realize it’s probably movie time, so we make our way over to the movies and I buy us some snacks. I am very excited as I just get to relax and watch a film with the absolute center of my universe and the person who has my heart for over two hours!

We sit down with light hearted joking, we’re all chatting and stuff and it’s time for the film. During this, I hold his hand, we snuggle for some bits, even sneak a few kisses (we’re teenagers who aren’t allowed in one another’s homes and rarely got to see one another give us a break they were just pecks and the theatre was practically empty)

I remember the feeling of him snuggling against me, holding my arm around his shoulders, and I just..can’t forget that. I was relaxing and snuggling with my boy and gosh that wasn’t an everyday occurrence. And so I savored that moment and let it forever sit in my mind.

Every moment with him was special, every kiss which made my heart flutter, every snuggle that made my face flush and heart rate quicken, and every word exchanged which gave me butterflies.

It was nice. We just relaxed together as we watched the movie and did practically nothing but snuggle, hold hands, exchange pecks, and watch.

Also that movie broke me. Horribly. I cried 3 times I think. I think Ryan realized that day how sensitive I am when it comes to animal movies.

We got out, all agreeing that was the sweetest movie ever.

We continued our adventures around the mall, we discovered Ryan had never been to a specific store and took him there just because we could. And it was pretty funny.

Ryan and I then stopped at a photo booth to do a fun photoshoot. Those pictures mean a lot for me, he didn’t like most of them so I ended up keeping all the copies. One hangs on my wall, a piece is in my wallet and multiple piece of film rotate on the back of my phone case as time goes by. Every picture with Ryan documents every moment. Every picture is invaluable, even the silly ones.

After that me and Ryan went to eat and without knowing one another’s orders accidentally ended up asking for the exact same things. We ate snd sat together alone as his friends got something else.

We joked, we talked, we took pictures it was beautiful.

Then my cutie stopped and bought this cute shirt from a store. They were so excited to buy it I was really happy for them.

Time had come to a close soon after that, I was really sad we all had to part. I gave Ryan a hug and kiss bye, his friends had left before him. And I waited alone for my mom.

Honestly? It was such a stars forsaken beautiful day. I wish I appreciated it some more in the moment. The most beautiful human on this planet was my date to the cheesiest teenage stereotype. And.. it was fun it was genuine, it was loving and it was everything to me.

These moments with Ryan where we relaxed together are everything with me, we saw a movie and we were normal teenagers for a few hours.

I loved that day.

I love him.

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 8 of Forbidden Love Summer - Kisses

So much has happened over these past few years with Ryan and I, but something I suppose we always had were kisses.

Way back when we were 14 during our first year of high school, we were crushing on one another. Yet no one spoke up as Ryan would obviously flirt with me and I would stand there like an idiot, missing signals.

The first time he told me he loved me, me being a absolute idiot responded “Awww, I love you too buddy”.

Sometimes I feel really bad that Ryan chose me, cause OH MY STARS he really did choose a slow ditzy boy.

The first time Ryan had given me a kiss was very early after meeting one another, we had returned from an audition for our school play. We had walked through the hall holding hands and I had convinced myself it was just a lovey bro thing. We chatted as we stopped in front of the front door, and eventually my sister arrived to pick me up. I was sad as I had to go but said goodbye to Ryan.

What did he do in response.

He. Kissed. My. Cheek.

OH MY CELESTIAL THIS FLIRT-

So, I spent a good 15 seconds sitting in pure gay panic at what had occurred to me. THE FINEST MAN I HAD EVER MET JUST KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK AND MY BRAIN JUST STOPPED. IT STOPPED PERIOD.

Rye had me questioning my entire sexuality right then and there cause gosh forbid I used to think I WAS A STRAIGHT MAN-

After that day I realized I like men.

No I don’t want to talk about the hours of pacing and full on crisis I went through while I was home.

Nothing happened after that because I was a horribly clueless idiot, and so the cycle of Ryan flirting with me and me not catching on continued to occur.

Ryan, my angel, you patient and kind and wonderful and amazing human, if you ever see this in the future, my dear.. eh-hem, I AM SO SORRY.

Skipping on to a year later for many kisses in between had not occurred cause of distance because I was a clueless moron.

Ryan and I had reconnected. And we finally had honestly spoke to one another and how we felt.

And, Ryan, had made it his personal mission to get me to kiss him.

The problem with me, is that I’m Nolan. I am awkward. This was the start of a long awaited relationship and I had never had a real relationship before. Had I ever kissed someone before in that kind of way? NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

And here this absolute cutie is trying to get me to kiss him and I am absolutely freaking out because yeah I want to but I don’t know how and I might want a date for and it’s my first kiss and-

“I know you want to kiss me-“

I grabbed his face and pulled him in for the worst kiss ever given in the history of the world. A kiss that he still makes fun of me for to today.

Why did I act so impulsively? I don’t know, I just really think he was right and I wanted to prove him right. Maybe I just didn’t want to hold back anymore cause oh boy did I really want to kiss him, or I needed to wipe that gorgeous smirk off his face.

But, it was my first kiss. And.. I loved it. After he got over his shock, cause boy was he shocked cause I don’t think he actually expected Nolan of all people to pull him in for a kiss. He in turn pulled me in for a kiss. A real kiss. And oh my stars I loved it. We held one another and years of tension had been resolved in one moment.

Everything about me felt warm and fuzzy and whole as we kisses and honestly for the first time in my life I felt like an actual teenage boy living his lovers dream.

All I could do when we broke our kiss was live in the fact of how butterflies were moving in my stomach and I had just had my first kiss with the absolute person of my dreams.

I think he loved it too cause he had this adorable excitement on his face and gosh his beautiful smile that I can dream about for days.

After two freaking years of waiting he got his kiss.

After that kisses became common. It took a while for him to get used to someone who openly loves him but we made it through every second of it.

Every time we’d take a picture together I’d kiss him on the cheek, and now I have a full photo collage as my wallpaper full of simply just kisses with him. There are over 50 on this wallpaper and that’s considering the fact I had to exclude some.

I adore them. To life and back and it has been over a year since our first kiss. And gosh I think about it lots.

I am really lucky to have him.

Thank you for waiting so long for your long awaited kiss Rye, stars I really hope you think it was worth it.

And I am still so sorry that I was so clueless gosh the more I think about it the more I realize how amazing patient and wonderful you are Ryan.

You’re the best,

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 7 of Forbidden Love Summer - A Poem for My Precious

——

“How did we get here?”

By Nolan

——

How did we get here?

I ask myself as I stare at a wall

Full of art,

Your drawings

My paintings

Sticky notes of what you often say

A sticker from a special day

Fly me to the moon hanging to the side

A painting from you of the tide

Photo booth pictures of our second date

I ask why our hearts had to come in so late

I stare and all I can see is story

One of hiding, lies, and poor luck

The same story filled with

Hope, trust, and love

I ask myself once again,

How did we get here?

Over a year ago a chance had been taken

A leap of trust that couldn’t have been mistaken

Blue eyes protected from the sunshine by a loving hand

Showing me you wanted to take a stand

A kiss days after shared in a empty hall

Making me realize you weren’t so tall,

A kiss I think of while staring at the once empty wall.

So much had been created that grew,

Memories flood my mind constantly

Everywhere I go leads back to you

Sunflowers, Dinos, Dragons, The Celestial

Bring thoughts of you that quiet my mind like a forestial

The thought of how bright you shine as you smile

That makes the world feel worthwhile

A memory of the charm you bring to every encounter

The intelligence you bring that none can counter

How gentle you speak as you care

And you always look for what’s fair

How you always stand with faith and morals

Showing me no matter what your always true.

How did we get here?

I remember secret dates,

Kisses that we snuck around,

Whispers and promises shared,

Calls full of chaos, jokes, and giggles,

Hugs that neither of us wanted to let go,

Texts we shared in the middle of the night,

Morning Snuggles on our way to competitions,

Holding each other’s hands everywhere we went,

Building a partnership that made us into the team,

Two young and loving people creating something new.

I look at a once empty light blue wall once again,

I whisper to myself,

Holding a small stuffed animal of a sloth in my arms,

“How did we get here?”

How did two people,

Who were told at every corner that they shouldn’t,

Still try?

People can be wrong,

I know that’s now true.

Because everyone who told us we shouldn’t,

Were wrong.

The moon aligned the same reflection of light,

On the same days we came to life.

Everything I have found in this life to be artificial,

Just an artificial as the phone screen.

In you I didn’t find that,

I found something real,

I found the breeze on top of a mountain in autumn,

The warmth of light from a sunset at the beach,

The sound of the gentle run of a river,

The chirp of mockingbirds as they fly through the sky,

The vibrant color of the rocks in the American west,

The light that shines from the stars in the night sky.

I found something beautiful, real, and genuine,

In you.

How did we get here?

I ask as tears brim the corners of my eyes,

As I continue to examine every inch of the wall,

How did we build something so beautiful and real?

Something that lives in every part of my mind?

Something stronger than most people ever feel?

Something that gives me life and emotion?

How did our world come down to this?

Where a blank wall was given life though memories

The strengthening of a strong bond

And the shining glimmer of hope

We got here.

Because we took a chance,

When everyone told us we shouldn’t.

They laugh at us now in I told you so’s

But we haven’t even lost.

They think they were right in telling us no.

When this wall is full of our beautiful memories and art,

Is only a tiny portion of what there is to cover

How did we get here when the odds said no?

I don’t know fully,

Only that our hearts aligned with the moon

But I do know,

We’re just getting started.

——

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 6 of Forbidden Love Summer - When We Confused the Old People

This one was a day to adore, we were on field trip to see a musical. Once again it was the Christmas season!

(That is in fact was a exaggeration it was only November)

We arrived around school, I apparently dressed too snazzy which is what my cutie complained about when I saw him. I am usually the underdressed/bad fashion sense one so complaints in fact were given.

He gave me too much fashion credit that day we was wearing this adorable flower sweater that looks so freaking cute on them!

Genuinely the details before the trip are now fuzzy cause I likely wasn’t with him but lo and behold we eventually made it to the bus! We snuggled up together and vola we began our voyage to the theater that the show would be preforming at.

We got there buzzing with excitement to be spending leisure time with one another, the Christmas tree was already up so we took pictures together! We chatted with our friends and I proudly held his hand while giving him cheek kisses (that he once again swatted away).

The dilemma was the theatre the show took place in was inside a place where old people go. So.. these people were confused when they saw me holding Ryan’s hand and giving him romantic attention.

Ryan and I are a transgender and gay couple, dilemma is, Ryan can often present feminine and I although very masculine presenting have a very high voice, like I am the highest Soprano 1 in our choir. I’d drop my voice if I could but I physically cannot without damaging it.

So these older people cannot tell what on earth we are. They can’t figure out our genders and if we’re straight or gay or something else. And the looks we’re getting are absolutely hilarious. I don’t even notice cause I’m a bit of a unfocused ditz until Ryan points it out to me and from then on I can’t help but laugh about it with him.

We begin to see the show and it is amazing, Ursula is played by rather a drag queen or a male person who has a insanely high voice and isn’t afraid to present in drag and OH MY GOODNESS SHE WAS AMAZING. Her voice went so high during the songs!

Ryan and I were absolutely impressed. And I rather enjoyed getting to hold Ryans hand the entire time, knowing he’s right next to me and not going anywhere for the moment put me at ease, and my heart filled with joy when I stopped watching to look at him instead and saw how much he was liking it.

We got to intermission and they got themselves some candy, I think we had to dodge some cameras generally it was just pretty calm and lighthearted. Just what we needed for the time. We continued to confuse those in the building who are older which was perfectly fine with us, we never cared about strange looks we were just happy to be with each other.

We got back to finishing the show and it was incredible. It was a absolute masterpiece (and I was happy I got my boyfriend's attention back)

We got onto this fancier bus, we shared earphones and listened to music together but we took a pause when the bus started playing music from my favorite musical that I have memorized the dances to. In which I proceeded to do much to Ryan's chagrin. This turned into a lot of group singing and fun on the bus, it was fun and it was sweet to just let go with Ryan with me. Those moments of fun and freedom for moments are always special to me.

We eventually went back to our own bubble together, snuggling up and enjoying one another's company. It was a sweet day.

No day is ever perfect but every day with Ryan is beautiful. And at the end of the day what others think doesn't matter. We just want to exist and love one another and that's what we did that day.

Thank you for making every day special and beautiful.

I love you Ryan ❤️

-Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 5 of Forbidden Love Summer - Library and Ice Cream

If there’s one thing Ryan loves it’s ice cream so happening to end up at an ice cream parlor on our first date which was supposed to be at the Library was genuinely no shocker.

Me and my precious boy were not allowed on many dates so our first one had to happen months into our relationship. We were really excited! It was the first time we’d be able to see one another outside of a school setting so we were gonna make the most of it. We decided on something unsuspicious, the library.

We went there to work on an English project separately but together but quickly got distracted by one another’s presence. It started with targeted jokes about my hand writing. This was the first time we were able to be with one another and not have our attention divided by some other responsibility. So we took advantage of that. We chatted and joked with one another, snuggled up side by side as I tried to sneak kisses while he swatted me away cause he got shy.

He gave me a little gift, a little blow up lightsaber cause I really like star wars, he had one for himself as well. I still have it to this day. It’s saved in this keepsake box of all the special things and memories we had together.

We spent that time with one another, giggling over ridiculous things and sitting in our bubble together. For a moment we were at absolute peace.

Then we magically discovered his friends happened to be there, it was the most perfect excuse, next thing you know a suggestion that we go to the ice cream parlor comes up and it sounds perfect.

We all walked outside as a group, I hold his hand and we all joke in a group. I think at some point we ended up talking about some ethnicities for some reason? Stars I don’t really remember I just recall being all lala land while looking at the center of my universe. Him.

We arrived at the ice cream place and I ordered and paid for both of our ice creams. We sat down, me right by his side, I goofed off with him. Holding his hand under the table, tapping my foot against his, clearly joking and trying to get more of his attention.

We all exchanged stories having a genuine fun time. Then the I swear to funniest thing happened, across the street, this pair of people were like ARGUING. Full on yelling at one another and this woman decides she’s had enough and drives away but then comes back for more! Leaves again, THEN RETURNS AGAIN. Leaves another time, does some fancy driving to COME BACK AGAIN. And she just does not give up on arguing with this dude, she keeps on leaving just to drive back and say some more just leave again. We all become convinced she’d never leave because girl just kept coming back for me.

Ryan, his friends, and me stare completely dumbfounded by what we’re watching. We just had a front row seat to the most hilarious drama in our town. Next thing we know we are laughing full drawn out laughing. Making jokes about how “girlie just kept needing the last word” and joking about the possibility of her coming back yet once again.

We all could just not give up how funny that was.

And.. it was really nice.

I was there outside next to an ice cream parlor laughing with my love and his friends. We were free for a moment, we didn’t have to worry about looking over our shoulders, dodging cameras, doing an activity, or academics. And for a moment he just.. looked so free a calm and happy. And that meant the world to me.

There’s something special about seeing someone very important to you simply just.. relax and smile. To find them laughing and joking for a moment, just for a moment no longer worried about the anxieties weighing them down. Seeing that joy on their face is just so beautiful.

Ryan had a lot of anxieties on him, so it was.. nice to see him free of responsibilities and worries for a second.

We were still paranoid about his parents, there were still anxieties but it was our first day of freedom together even it was for a little while.

It showed me how amazing things can get. And that one day.. we can have days like these all the time.

This date lead to a few more and I will forever be grateful for that.

Here’s to more dates and freedom, every day I had with Ryan was a very special day, and everyday in the future I will have with him will also be a very special day. It sure was heck of a first date to remember, maybe next time I’ll put ice cream in the plan to just save some steps.

Thank you for a special day hun,

I love you Ryan ❤️

- Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 4 of Forbidden Love Summer- Two Years of Caroling, Different Us

A core memory while crushing on my cutie is when I was crushing on him and when I was caroling with him.

Our town is relatively small, and every Christmas there’s a light show full of Christmas lights at our community center. We’re both in choir, so every light show we’d go carol at the light show.

Caroling is reserved for a specific choir group at our school, and while I was not in the class until next semester, I still had privileges for that class because I was in our more advanced group. So my choir teacher asked me to join them the winter of 2023’ we went to the light show to go caroling.

Me and Ryan had been distanced as friends during this time. He had recloseted himself during this time period and they were keeping their distance because their parents didn’t like me long before this ever happened.

But this was a group of people I didn’t really know much, I was much of an outsider and most ignored me, the only one who didn’t? Ryan. Ryan was the first person there to accept me. He talked to me and oh my sparkles he looked so beautiful as he sung. We later got hot chocolate and when I volunteered to hang up posters he joined me, we walked around joking and hanging them up in ridiculous places. Creating humor out of the situation, the excitement he brought to the atmosphere just made the lights around us shine brighter. He made everything shine so bright. We went back and we got into a conversation with some of his friends, including me into the conversation.

There was one point where he brought up a situation a year ago during our freshman year where we both told one another we liked each other. He had this look in his eyes as he said it, as if he was looking for something. I just laughed and said I was ridiculous but it sat in my mind. Because I still was head over heels for him, watching the way the Christmas lights reflected in his eyes and the beautiful sound that was his laugh. Being around him like that again it lit up my world that day. Being around someone as special and beautiful as Ryan, really can just light up my world, there is no one more gentle, sweet, kind, and beautiful as him.

Which, the year later when we were dating? Made me really excited for caroling.

The Christmas season of 2024 was beautiful and full of romance and it’s a whole story for another day.

The lights were up and I swear they were even more beautiful this time. I had arrived first and I mingled with my friends, I had a competition earlier that day and had to leave it early to make it but it was worth it because lo and behold. There he was. My boyfriend. His parents were there so I had to keep my cool but genuinely I was really excited to see him. I hadn’t seen him much in the past few days because of him feeling ill, so my excitement was through the roof. I had missed him.

He looked just as beautiful as he did the Christmas before. His curls were beautiful, he was wearing his hexagon glasses, and they were wearing a silly Christmas light up necklace. And unintentionally we had matched. I was wearing a goofy light up red Christmas sweater, he wore red, and we were both decked out in black jackets and I was wearing a Santa hat. We all sung together did a silly dance circle. Ate some chips, took pictures, we adventured the lights and took photos and videos.

He’s such a beautiful guy, there are no words in any language to possibly describe how gorgeous and pretty this precious human is. Every time I look at this pictures, watch how the light reflects off him, how he’s a radiant beam of beauty and light. I can only lose my breath. He’s a person with a beautiful soul, and it just makes him shine so bright.

Even though his parents were wandering around we even took our risks and hid behind our really tall friend and snuck some kisses, my heart fluttered every time.

We caroled, hung out with our friend, make some jokes. This lady did this Rudolph story reading for little children and we listened together acting overly invested.

At one point my parents shockingly came and he got to meet my parents, they liked him. He also got to meet my dog!

Things calmed down after we caroled. We got our hot chocolates and I was simply thrilled to be with him again for Christmas. That year we had done so much more than the last, and a hint, a question he asked without vocalizing it the year before was answered.

Yes Ryan I’m still in love with you, I have been this whole time and I always will be whether you continue to have me or not.

Doesn’t matter when where or how, my heart will always be with you. Thank you for accepting me that one Christmas, it lead to a lot of things changing for the better.

I know we can’t carol together again but.. I will hold what we have made together strongly with my heart and we will create new things together.

Thanks for caroling with me Darling,

I love you Ryan ❤️

- Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 3 of Forbidden Love Summer - A Rough but Beautiful Day

A day I often think about, is one of few last days with Ryan. It was such a beautiful day, it still constantly sits in my mind.

In our attempts to see each other more, we both joined a competitive team in our school that traveled every weekend. These competitions were the longest periods of time I’d be able to see my boy. But I had only gone on three with him, due to his parents’ bipolar behavior and his hefty schedule not letting him go to most.

It was the last day of the season, we had entered the school very early, before sunrise at 6 AM, it was February and still cold outside. We were excited, it was the first time in a while we went to one together and the joy we had for that day was strong.

We got the bus sitting together, I have him the blanket I brought, we call this blanket “Blanki”. He immediately stole it and snuggled up to me, we bundled up together on the bus. We were full of excitement, joy, and energy for the day.

He was absolutely adorable, snuggling up to me and making jokes with me. We took each of one of my earphones and listened to a playlist he made together, singing and acting them out together. Gosh he had me blushing, it was so cute. Being blessed with such a free time with him again was so gentle. And it filled my heart making me ready for the day ahead of us.

After a hour of snuggles, giggles, whispers and silly conversations we arrived to our competition.

We both were nervous, it was the last day of the season. We got settled and prepared. We checked our schedules and got ready and shared some more love.

Our first rounds had started and we were in different events so we parted, once we exited we immediately parted and I was super excited to see him, we had time gaps together during our rounds and gosh he always looked so cute in his little suit.

He ran into a dilemma, he was wearing boots and the carpet of the school didn’t let him do his moves right. So.. we ended up swapping shoes, thankfully he’s the same shoe size as me. (Benefits of dating someone of the same gender)

We went to our second rounds, personally I wasn’t doing great performance wise but it was one of the toughest competitions we had been to. I wasn’t fretting much, just focused on having fun. For my boy it was another story.

He could tell there was rougher competition and I could clearly tell he was getting anxious, some of his anxieties were settling in and his parents were not making it any easier with their texts. We sat for a while before his round and I tried to help him deescalate. It was time for his third round (mine was later) and I went to go see him perform.

The round was horrible. The jokes people made in their performances were horrendous we were doing our absolute best to keep it together and not cringe. I squeezed his hand every time I was trying not to drop my jaw in shock. When it was his turn he did so much better than everyone in the room, in that moment I simply could not understand what he was worried about. He was the most talented person in the room and the person in the room with the best humor and joke. His silly lines and characters in his voice couldn’t help but make me smile and laugh. I left that room so proud of him. If there’s anyone in this world I believe in it’s him. And to me it didn’t matter if he brought home a medal that day, just that he tried his best, because his best is AMAZING.

He did well but was still anxious, things his parents said that stuck on his mind. I bought us snacks and lunch in the meantime, I gave him Blanki, kisses and reassurance, I brought this journal I kept on hand for him to draw and write in while I was gone for my final round. It was a nice finish to the season for me. I felt complete with it and that’s what matters.

I came down found my beautiful boy, to spend some time together we walked around the school together, exploring what we hadn’t seen earlier, we chatted and walked around holding hands, we even got goof around a bit.

He got more anxious so we found respite in a corner together, he expressed his anxieties and I sat with him. The final rounds were posted and we both in fact did not get in. Relatively I was fine, it was some hard rounds and I could have done better. My boy was scared though.

Your heart never truly breaks until you see the strongest person you know terrified.

He was scared to go home because it’s the first time he hadn’t gotten into final rounds and his parents are.. very expecting.

I still sat with him on the ground, I let him lay his head in my lap and we talked. He trusted me and that was what mattered, I gave him the love I was happy to give.

The coach made me go watch a final round so I had to give my dear some space. But when I got back he was doing better and seeing him calmer made me happy. Awards happened and I sat with him the whole time, then he proceeded to steal my jacket (jacket stealer!)

We proceeded to fall into some jokes and shannanagins as we headed back to the bus. That’s when he got scared again.

I held him the whole way back, just holding my person in my arms felt so healing. I hope it did for him as well. My heart broke as he was scared but having him trust me so strongly and holding someone so precious and so dear to me in my arms meant the world to me. My love was struggling but it was a say where I could sit there and hold him in my arms as he was struggling and actually being able to be there for him meant the world to me.

There have been so many nights I couldn’t come and help them because their parents would never allow it. So many nights worrying about my precious baby but not able to do a thing.

So having a day with him, one like that, a full day, where we laughed, giggled, snuggled, goofed off, cried, ate, talked, whispered to one another, listened to music together, and cherished one another. That was special. It wasn’t perfect but it was beautiful. And that’s what mattered to me.

Knowing days together don’t have to be perfect they just have to be together. We’re a team as long as we go through them together, everyday will be special.

Here’s to more gentle hard but healing special days my dear. We got this hun, every day together will be special as long as it’s together.

I love you Ryan ❤️

- Nolan

[storiesforhim]

Day 2 of Forbidden Love Summer - Our Silliest Date

Personally I cannot choose a “favorite date” out of the few ones I had with my boy but I can definitely label this one as the one I think about lots.

Our silliest date, our ice skating date during our magical winter together.

Our magical winter is for another day but this date always sticks with me.

We were able to go ice skating together through a school event, we were so excited. When I got there he was already there, sitting a table on his phone. We were worried his parents weren’t going to see me go in but thankfully they weren’t.

I was really excited to see him, so I did my usual silly show of expressing that. Portraying my genuine excitement and not being satisfied until I got a hug when in return I got the iconic Ryan eyebrow raise to tell me to chill.

We went to go get our skates, he told me how “wouldn’t it be really cool if you got hockey skates?” And because I always listen to my cute boyfriend. When I went to ask for and pay for our skates I got the hockey ones whole he got the normal ice skates. Which was a moment of confusion cause although I am the pants wearing boy in this relationship I am also the one who can get lost and confused when socially interacting with other people, I am AWKWARD. Which is why I ask myself everyday how I, ME, the awkward boy who sometimes makes a fool of himself, got such a beautiful and incredible boyfriend.

We got our skates and I laced his, he was asking about and teasing me for the gloves I brought. They in fact were gloves that belonged to my very little nephew. He was making jokes about them and seeing that light in his eyes a he joked about my gloves and he kept trying to hurry me as I laced his skates was adorable. There’s nothing I love more than his smile.

I was then (unkindly) rushed to lace mine after I finished his, in which, how dare I really? I should have magically laced mine as I was lacing Ryan’s.

We got onto the ice and oh my gosh. I realized that I didn’t have front breaks until I was on the ice. But thankfully my ski skills came in handy and I understand side breaking and momentum. Me and Ryan caught on rather quickly before everyone else. So while mostly everyone else was clinging to the wall me and him were skating around the center holding hands.

Chaos ensued then, we’d joke about who was better, low key race a little bit. At one point Ryan fell and I helped him up mildly worried he was gonna pull me down with him (he didn’t thank stars). Whenever he’d stop by the wall I’d skate up to him put my hand against the wall and tell him he’s really cute and handsome and asking if he has a boyfriend. And if he said yes I’d ask how I can compete.

Even though he pretended he didn’t like it, he did. The sound of his laugh filled my ears and I was faced with his beautiful smile, and he just made my world light up like that. Not only does he look so beautiful, but just watching my precious, sweet, and gentle universe smiling or giggling with me over something I said made me feel so warm and fuzzy and make my heart race some more.

They’d play pop on the radio and I’d skate around dramatically reenact them for him. Got him absolutely flustered I swear my flirting techniques were on par! I’d make a show of showing off my “skating skills” and making these ridiculous gestures to try to make him fall in love with me again. I am such a good flirt he can vouch I swear!

When we got tired we’d skate around together holding hands, we talked about the little things and the big things. We talked about the future, about how one day we’d want to go skating together every winter. And how much fun we’re having. We’d share stories and hopes. And just holding his hand in mine made the world feel so small yet so special.

After a while, a teacher that was there asked to take a picture of us, and I was about to adamantly insist that it’s not okay but, Ryan surprised me and said one was okay.

That day we were so caught in the moment we weren’t worried about preserving it in a picture. So I have no picture of that day. One day I’m going to ask that teacher to see if he has it still. It was such a special day and if I ever get to find a picture that holds record of that day I’m gonna print it out and hang it on my wall.

Our time eventually came to a close but not after giggles, smiles, love, and silliness was shared. Being so bright and carefree that day reminded me of how beautiful things can be when we let our guard down and simply be together.

After we got out I untied his skates and took them off and then did the same with him. More shenanigans ensued when I got the wrong thing from a vending machine.

Then he left, then I went too.

I never talked to him that much about how exciting and important that day is to me. It’s going to be a core memory for the rest of my life. The freeness, the silliness, the laughs the smiles the joy, that’s what mattered to me and we found it together that day and so many others.

It was the day I actually got to call you Ryan to your face for the first time. You had finally settled on your name that day, the process of choosing your name had always been a long and complicated story. When I finally got to look and you and say Ryan I knew it felt right, it’s you.

So much has happened since that day but it will stick with me forever. It’ll forever be a core memory for me. Thank you Ryan. This to so many more silly dates we’ll have in the future.

You’re always worth it Ryan I swear dear. The beautiful smile I find on your face when I see you happy and free makes it all worth it.

I love you Ryan ❤️

- Nolan