stormcloudedmind

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My life in pictures recently.

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Me: sometimes I just feel like I want a life where no one expects anything from me. The problem is, I wouldn't exist.

My best friend: lol.

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So, many of you know I have a stupid kidney defect that causes me to produce stones. I'll probably always produce stones and have kidney issues because of it, but I'm on medications and a diet to help lessen the build up, and in all positive intentions, hopefully be a healthier human being anyway. I have no problem going on diets, really. My issue is coming from getting different lists of foods for a low oxalate diet from different doctors saying different things. Three times now, I've either been given or have found something that contradicts what I was lead to believe. I've tried searching for diet plans or certified lists online but everything seems uncredible or contradictory. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to eat anything anymore (this is obviously an exaggeration. Just put chips and salsa in front of me). It's just frustrating trying to do well for yourself, but have no clue if you're even doing it right. Plus, through all this trying, I'm still GAINING weight. The fuck.

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Anxiety

For me, it hits you all at once and it’s paralyzing. With anxiety, it's kind of like breathing normally, but feeling like you're drowning. You can't put thoughts together, your heart races, you panic. it's like that feeling when you lean back in your chair too far, and almost fall - but it's not a second long - it can last for hours. 

It is the realization that you cannot control with 100% certainty of what happens to you or anyone else. It’s worrying and caring so much for the people you love that you neglect yourself the most.  Neglecting yourself to the point where you don’t know when the last time you took a bite of anything was, or when was the last time you stopped to enjoy or think about something that makes you happy? It makes self care seem selfish and the guilt hits you like a hurricane until you’re on the track of putting someone else first again. 

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Works in progress.

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Another plant painting!

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Finished watercolor

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Finally feeling like my normal self. At least physically. Here's my face. I clean up nice sometimes.

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My beautiful little one gets fixed on Monday. I've been giving her all the cuddles.

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Sick at home with pneumonia. Yay.

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Life isn't fair. Merry Christmas.

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Finished.

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Almost done!

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Okay, 2017, please stop now. My grandma passing away is the icing on the cake.

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Some watercolors I've been working on.

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I think I’m ready for this year to be over.

Today I went to the OB for my annual check up like I do every year to get refills on my birth control. As the doctor and I were talking, she asked when my last period was. I told her I haven’t had one for two years since being on birth control. I swear, when I started on this birth control, they told me that my periods could possibly stop. Since mine did, I didn’t really think anything of it. Unfortunately this should have been a red flag a long time ago. Now they are worried that there’s either something wrong with my thyroid, or I have polycystic ovary syndrome. Okay, no big deal. I just take another medicine to regulate my hormones and give my periods back (yay…). But they said depending on the outcome, it could be very difficult for me to get pregnant, if at all. I have never really wanted kids, and my husband and I have discussed having children many times. We agreed we didn’t want them (genetics on both of our sides really suck, and we would hate to pass that literal shit pot on), and if we ever decided we did, that we would adopt.

By that logic, the thought of probably never being able to have kids shouldn’t bother me, right? But no, I feel like a part of me died. I guess I never was faced with the reality that I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.

I’m not sure how to feel, but it doesn’t feel good. In fact, I feel sick and empty.