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Just me??

is it just me that craves the blood? the sight, the colour. The feeling.

When its in my mind its so hard to distract myself from.

May aswell. Its gonna happen sooner or later

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p.s

im so thankful for my friends. the family i chose and i was so lucky that chose me . my literal lifelines, life would be nothing without you . d4d for absolute life. the sisters ive always always wanted, accepted me for me always, put up with so much. patience of angels, to put up with me for so long. no greater love than this sisterhood i promise. 

and for you mum, my absolute everything. i hope ive told/explained just how much you mean to me already. if ever im not here to tell you, read the cards, remember the words, every second i love you mamadogg

for you all i am eternally grateful , i hope i made it worth it for you

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wait

For now im smiling with my friends, enjoying the moment

but wait til youre alone

For now im planning a future , bright ambitions

but wait til youre alone

For now im making my mum proud, no better feeling

but wait til youre alone 

For now im getting merry, forever young

but wait til youre alone

For now im convincing family, living my best life

but wait til youre alone

For now im living for the day, dont ever look back

but wait til youre alone

For now i can push aside the thoughts, take another shot!

but wait til youre alone

For now its not a problem, its a lifestyle!

but wait til youre alone 

For now its just a thought, i promise

but wait til youre alone

But now i feel alone, surrounded by people or just close friends

Im finally alone. 

Alone, the worst place to be on your own.

Alone, but my head is so loud.

Alone, dont need nobody else. ever

Alone, better off

alone.

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shit man

so tired of this loife.

 i know i can do more. i know i can. i need to believe in myself. im fucking strong and smart. ive been through so muc. felt much worse before. so so much worse.i need to remember that.

but these old times haunt me. make me feel like less of a human. less than everyone. i do feel old feelings and habits haunt me. its hard for anyone to understand or realise, even for myself. but somehow i know what it is bugging me . the person i used to be/ act like . the way people made me feel.

i wish i could believe in myself even 10% of what others do, because they dont even know what i can do. if i could remember this shit when i wake up everyday that would be great, instead i wake up, without a care in the world about my future, myself or anyone else. 

one day i will prove myself wrong! fingers crossed

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i should be ok by now

i dont know where to start. i feel

i feel my mind go 150mph.

i feel my throat start to tense up.

i feel my hands fidgeting while you talk to me 

i cant speak when you ask me questions, or ill give a response asking more about yourself.

wish i could ask someone for help.

I love my friends and family atm so much. i am the only burden and i don't see that changing soon, but the thought of doing that to my mother. The person that has given me everythingggggg

i am forever grateful

and i know there are so many things going on in the world to earthquakes in turkey/syria, to the war in Ukraine, womens rights in middle east, to FGM and corrupt/racist police in many countries/continents  and so so much more.

I know i have a lot to be grateful for and i do try to remember that in my hardest times

They say no matter what youre going through, someone has got it worse. But pain is pain. in any way. thats why we gotta stay grateful and generous cause life can change in a hot sec

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idkk

ahhh, wtf to say?

times are fucking tough. im struggling to find my place, my time and my purpose. I know ive felt like this before but yeah i don't know how to get out. Do i follow a new path to get a new distraction or carry on with a job that i really do enjoy? idk. i don't want to give up but my interest is not here anymore. if i try a new job and hate it then what? I've changed jobs before thinking that it will make me happy but that is never guaranteed?? if i try to learn a new course and a new dream, what if i fuck up? honestly i need to stop being such a fucking pussy. Whats the harm if i fail? what have i lost? I am wasting my own worth every day, settling for a life that doesn't challenge me or show my abilities . My only enemy is me. The only person stopping me is myself. 

Every person has told me i can do great. Why can i not believe that myself? i Know know that all my self doubt is all in my head and i am doing this to myself nut if this negativity is all ive know then what else am i to think? i really really need to work on myself before i ruin myself. everyday with my thoughts and behaviours makes me worse. The more days of work i miss, the less i believe in myself. noone else does so why should i ?

 the amount of times ive thought about it in the last couple years. been several years since ive tried but the plans/idealisations keep coming stronger.

im scared that i cant do it. i wont be able to live a normal life. All ive ever wanted was a simple life with a family that loves eachother. What me and my mum have, but for everyone involved. but maybe im not deserving of that, How can i ever look after a whole family when i cant keep a job? i want a football team of kids yet im the most unrealiable human on earth, except my dad, imagine ive im him. Every week "ill come see you soon" i said i know you wont. im too used to the disappointment by now. I do think that maybe thats another tough struggle within myself. I love and admire my mum soo much, i could only hope i have our relationship but with myself and my children. Even though we can argue and disagree shes always done the most for us. no matter what! She is always my example of what an ambitious loving mum can do on her own like imagine being that strong!! to provide for two children their whole lives, on youre own, being mum and dad, good cop and bad cop, tooth fairy and santa claus. that is my goal. thats a real fucking hero.

Pretty pls i pray to god i am lucky enough to have as much love with my children and grandchildren that i do with my mum. My only Wish!!! that type of love is life changing and i think thats my goal in life, bring joy. mum and nanny c would be proud of that xx

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he deserves better than me

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A gentleman knows when to hold his lady's hand, and when to pull her hair.

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*cries under the mistletoe with a bottle of vodka*

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