swedishfich

[swedishfich]

i crave human interaction but fear it all at the same time. i want your hand in mine, fingers laced together. i want late nights of talking about random things. i want to notice small things about you that no one else pays attention to. i want to not even be able to kiss you properly because i'm too busy smiling. i want to look at you and feel confident in us. i want to feel a sense of comfort when you are around because i want this to be so much more than just weeks or even months. i want to be able to go to you whenever i'm excited over something small and i can't stop ranting and i also want to be able to go to you when reality has taken its toll on me and i can no longer handle it because no matter how much i try to act like nothing bothers me i promise you that is why i cannot sleep at night. i'm scared to have your hand in my own and your lips close because even the thought makes him come back and the memories of how i wasn't good enough. how i gave my all to him and i was nothing but another body. i cared for the careless boy and it's changed some part of me. problem is, i'm not positive if that part of me is my heart or mind. i know i have changed, though. i feel it with every passing day. anytime i feel myself smiling over your text or thinking about what we could be a feeling of anxiety sets in my chest and spreads throughout my body, slowly suffocating me. i feel myself starting to crave your attention like i did his and i'm terrified. i'm terrified to even show you my face or body because deep down i will always think that's why i wasn't enough to keep him around. he made me feel like i was on top of the world, but he also showed me what it's like to be dropped from that height. it's hard to let others in anymore. it's hard for me to care anymore. it's hard for me to be happy without a memory of him flooding in my mind. he's corrupted every inch of my mind and i have no idea how to get him out because each time i think he's gone he comes back with a shaper knife to cut me with. he's taken over my dreams and i should have known when he was smiling in them that they were truly nightmares but he looked so beautiful it blinded me from deciphering good from evil. please be patient with me. if i ever recover, it will take time. but that does not mean i won't try my hardest to give you what you deserve. because though i've had some bad experiences i know that you have had worse and i know you're still healing from every wound your past has caused. you say you're past it but i know that is not true because that is exactly what i say about him. you are selfless and you hold the ones you care for above everything. you are so caring and you don't hide your emotions and it's so refreshing because that is rare to find. no one shows raw emotion anymore, not even myself. you're everything i could ask for and more, please stay. i cannot bear another loss. we will take time, trust me. but when we learn that the pain was worth it, we will turn into something beautiful.

d.f.