systemicstupidity

[systemicstupidity]

Why.

Why did she do all those things to me.

She was my sister. She was supposed to protect me.

Why.

I’m so tired.

And no one ever believes me

[systemicstupidity]

you aren't insane you just live with your parents

you aren't insane you just live with your parents

you aren't insane you just live with your parents

you aren't insane you just live with your parents

you aren't insane you just live with your parents

[systemicstupidity]

[systemicstupidity]

Well, we achieved a few of these things, holy shit.

We have a house and a room of our own. We’re working on making it ocean themed. We have colored LEDs in there so when we get upset we can turn it to aqua and vibe like a fish in an aquarium.

We graduated college and have a job. We still don’t make a ton of money but a hell of a lot more than we used to. And we don’t have to quit this job anytime soon for shit like school! We’re DONE!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!

The rest can be seen to later. Because there will be a later

One day we will have an entire room dedicated just to us. A room for us as a system, a bedroom where we can be comfortable and decorate it as we please. It will be in a home, a real house, not an apartment.

One day we will have makeup and accessories and colored contacts so we can fully make the body look like us, or as much like us as we can. No one will judge us. We will have the money to afford these luxuries.

One day we will be out of school and have a job. We will be able to afford things. We will make more than a few hundred a month. We could donate to fundraisers.

One day we won’t have to wear a binder. We will have beautiful scars and a flat chest. The dysphoria won’t be so debilitating.

I hope we live to see that.

[systemicstupidity]

I am a pile of neuroses accumulated into a vaguely humanoid shape that is forced to perform personhood again and again every day and rebuild what poor facsimile of humanity I’ve managed over and over like a child building sand castles during high tide

[systemicstupidity]

Somewhat related, but the idea that all experiences of [symptom] are somehow the same regardless of frequency lowkey peeves me off.

“You have anxiety? Ugh I get it I get so stressed out before an exam :(“ yeah I once had an anxiety attack because I opened a door to a stairwell and was startled when there were stairs. In high school I averaged 4 anxiety attacks a day convinced I was going to be shot and die. So like. Not saying you don’t experience anxiety, but just because you experience a normal thing a normal amount doesn’t mean you can fully understand how a disordered person experiences it

"everyone experiences [symptom]" how many times does it have to be explained that it's often about the frequency of the symptom, not the symptom itself

[systemicstupidity]

In bed. Straight up losing it. And by "it," well. Haha. Let's just say. My memories

[systemicstupidity]

[systemicstupidity]

“Omg you’re a horrible person how could you think that?” Listen pal I think I a lot of weird shit that I absolutely do not endorse or believe. Sometimes I think that I’ve been dead for years and I’m actually a ghost. Me thinking something and that thought having any relation to the real world are not always compatible. It isn’t that deep.

[systemicstupidity]

*watch alarm goes off* aw man wait a second. I’m about to be tortured by visions of doom and disaster. ah. Ah. AH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! alrightie. glad that’s over with.

[systemicstupidity]

fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says "actually works" does actually work.

hate exercising and realizing i've let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i've overturned my fight-or-flight response.

hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i'm less anxious and i have more energy

hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i've actually started healing about something once i'm able to externalize it

hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently

hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love

horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i'm gonna do it tho

[systemicstupidity]

Every time one of my friends explains something about Plurality to me I have to fight the urge to ask if they're "More people per people" cause of this fuck ass post

[systemicstupidity]

fucking insane to me that people can be mean to kids. this thing is four to five shoe boxes tall and youre shouting at it ?? ? what is your damage the mf just got here.

[systemicstupidity]

[systemicstupidity]

I don’t want to keep fighting but I literally cannot afford to lie down and die either. Fiscally, I mean that literally. My family can’t afford a funeral right now.

What a hell we live in. Almost none of us can afford to live, nor can we afford to be sick, nor can we afford to die.

Maybe if I hurl my body into a lake or something and I’m never found it’ll be easier.

[systemicstupidity]

We’ve regressed so goddamn far.

We can’t tell anyone anything. Our boyfriends won’t listen to us. They just tell us everything is fine. They tell us we’re overreacting and everything is fine and we will be okay and that what we feel isn’t real. They tell us to just go back to therapy and it’ll be fine.

They can’t know how we actually fucking feel. They can’t know how what we feel and think. Fuck’s sake, we don’t even bother telling them who’s fronting anymore. We just all pretend to be the host. Because they don’t fucking care who we are and we don’t care for them to tell us what we feel and fear isn’t fucking real.

It wasn’t always like this. They used to listen. But they stopped listening so we stopped telling

[systemicstupidity]

HI I HAVE ANGER ISSUES LEMME THROW OUT SOME SUGGESTIONS!

-throw ice cubes. Just fucking throw them as hard as you can into the shower. The cold on your hands is a little painful but causes no damage, which on its own can be a good release for anger, plus the sound of them shattering is so satisfying when you just wanna break shit.

-make art and destroy it. Cover your fists in paint and just wail on a canvas or piece of paper. Crumple it, cut it up, puncture holes in it. It doesn’t matter if it looks like shit, just throw all of your ire into that bitch.

-scream. Preferably into a pillow or in your car (especially on the highway. Literally there’s 0 chance anyone else will hear you). If you’re gonna scream into a pillow, do warn those around you you’re okay, just in need of a good scream.

-listen to music REALLY LOUD. If you’re alone, just blast that shit. If you don’t want others to hear, use headphones (earbuds can cause hearing damage).

-channel your inner dinosaur and stomp. Idk why it works, but sometimes if I’m pissed off, especially about things that I recognize don’t really matter, it feels nice to just go STOMP STOMP STOMP or jump up and down and see how loud a noise I can make

Hope this helps someone out there lol

what are you even supposed to do when youre angry.  cant scream at anyone cos im not a dick. cant break anything cos i paid money for that. cant rip my hair out cos i need it on my head. literally what now